Marrying for love or money?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Truth
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

Truth

Guest
Since the beginning of marriage, men have often married because they were physically attracted to a woman and women have been put in arranged marriages for financial reasons. So, other than just the warm and fuzzies, is there any reason why a woman (or man for that matter) marry primarily or secondarily for money?
 
I think your premise that most men married because of attraction while women were put into arranged marriages is a bit off. Arranged marriages had nothing to do with attraction by either party. They were made for many reasons: status, family connections, financial gain, etc. And none of these are bad reasons to contract a marriage. Attraction isn’t a bad reason, either, but feelings can be deceiving. The modern woman marrying for love and getting a bad husband has become a cliché. The Church doesn’t say “love” has to be a primary reason for marrying. As long as both are free to marry and consent to it, that is all that is required.
 
Della said:
I think your premise that most men married because of attraction while women were put into arranged marriages is a bit off. Arranged marriages had nothing to do with attraction by either party. They were made for many reasons: status, family connections, financial gain, etc. And none of these are bad reasons to contract a marriage. Attraction isn’t a bad reason, either, but feelings can be deceiving. The modern woman marrying for love and getting a bad husband has become a cliché. The Church doesn’t say “love” has to be a primary reason for marrying. As long as both are free to marry and consent to it, that is all that is required.
Click to expand...
Sorry Della, I didn’t mean to simplify it that much! But I was interested in acceptable reasons for marriage. Also, there’s no question that for most of our Christian heritage, marriage had little to do with love. Most often parents made the arrangements because it suited both parities. I think that “love” is more of a recent thing and you’re correct that feelings are usually unreliable in determining a good partner. Ideally, a couple would love (or at least grow to love) one another and also have their needs met. Ironically, my understanding is that in culture’s that do practice arranged marriages, they tend to be more successful than when people chose their partners.
 
It’s not true that women marry for money. They aren’t attracted to money, either. They are visually attracted, too, by the way.
 
Truth said:
Since the beginning of marriage, men have often married because they were physically attracted to a woman and women have been put in arranged marriages for financial reasons. So, other than just the warm and fuzzies, is there any reason why a woman (or man for that matter) marry primarily or secondarily for money?
Click to expand...
I don’t understand your question. Different people have different motivations for marriage.

Historically women have not had good jobs, or been independently wealthy, so such women had to rely on their husbands to provide for them and their children. That would be reason for a woman to care about how much money a man has. Similarly, men haven’t had as much opportunity to marry for money because until relatively recently women would only be wealthy if they came into an inheritance.

I recall reading about some studies that show that power/status is the biggest turn on to people. Money usually means power. Even physical appearance relates to status. For example right now extremely thin women are considered attractive, but in the past it wasn’t so (Marilyn Monroe would be considered fat today). There is a biological component to physical attraction (health, strength) but also a status component (today very thin women are considered to have high status). /shrug
 
Your premise is kind of off, if you think about it. You can’t have a society where women are placed in arranged marriages and men choose women on the basis of attraction… either marriages are arranged, or they aren’t, right?

As for the success of arranged marriages, be careful about confusing correlation with causation… Assuming that you’re defining “success” as “not getting divorced”, it stands to reason that people who submitted to arranged marriages in the first place are less likely to see divorce as an option even if the marriage is a disaster by any other standard.
 
Many years ago after my first year of college my then new girlfriend’s mother said “if he’s not rich then at least he went to the seminary”. This woman allowed us to date for almost 4 years knowing they’d try ti end the relationship after we discussed marriage. Ultimately we broke up because she dumped me for a guy 2 years younger than her, better looking too. So I think she got a pretty good deal, sucking my best years away from me…so it would seem. about 5 years later I married a woman 6 years younger than me, younger than him and she is far more beautiful than the other girlfriend. Only I did not marry this woman for looks or money. I didn’t realize how beautiful she was because of her funky dated style. I married her only becuase I heard God tell me it’s okay. I cared about her but “Love”? Not sure it was that deep yet. I chose to marry her. I chose to love her. Now I’m crazy about her. She went from dating a private to a West Pointer to me, a sergeant, working class so it seemed. My family used to be quite well off. But somewhere in the liniage, and I won’t elaborate who and where, we gave much of our wealth away in the family. My father squandered his inheritance and left us basically nothing. My mother did far worse. She literally wrote me and my older brother out of her Will. I loathe gold diggers. They do exist. But they’re not always women. There are many male gold diggers too you know.

But once you get past the beauty, it takes real llove, sacrificial love, to get through the more difficult times. Marriage isn’t about feelings. Feelings are a wonderful thing when they’re positive, but when they hurt, they are very difficult. “Love is the Will”, I always say. You Will to love someone like God Wills to love us. Agape. The other forms of love follow if you have the first one right, which is the foundation of a lasting relationship, not the others…
 
As a woman, let me tell you, we do get visually stimulated as well. I can be, but for me, the “Women fall in love with their ears” statement is true…especially because I’m bilingual (going on trilingual), haha…

But that’s not all there is. The guys I’ve been attracted to have always been either best friends or, if I didn’t know him that well yet, at least someone I really hit it off with. I think for me, it’s because I know love is a choice and I’ve already chosen to love them as a friend.

Some of them probably would not be considered cute and as for money, well my family’s not rich and most of them aren’t either. Also, college is the great equalizer…NONE of us have money!! Though the guys I know, even just friends, pay for all girls…I’ve tried telling them it’s no big deal for me to buy coffee or a sandwich, but they insist…I’ve liked guys of all different looks, ethnicities, types, whatever. All that really matters is that he’s a good Catholic (and agrees with the teachings!!), a gentleman, a good friend already, he values service and social justice, and he’s someone I feel comfortable talking to.

I notice I do tend to go for older ones, but that’s because most of my friends are a few years older than I am. As a young child, I was the oldest in my family and among the neighborhood kids and spent most of my time with adults, so I’ve always valued that conversation. I also was one of the oddballs in my class, but my teachers and the older kids accepted me, even when kids my age did not. Even in high school, my mom found it perfectly normal for me to come home in friends’ cars (provided she met them first and that they didn’t just get their license the day before) and was OK with me going to junior prom…my freshman year! But that’s because I’ve always been able to handle myself well with older people. Until college, it was actually difficult for me to hang out with people my own age…It has nothing to do with financial security at all, some of them are still in college, one is in Peace Corps, and a bunch are in grad school/med school…and most of us have career aspirations in the non-profit sector…So money could not be less of a concern for me…As long as we have a roof over our heads in a safe neighborhood (for the babies), food in our bellies, and a bit to put aside, I really don’t care…
 
*Marrying for money runs in my family, and most of the women left their spouses by now. Money isn’t everything, and while there’s nothing wrong with owning/buying nice things, you’re not going to reach ‘happily ever after’ if that was your goal for marrying a guy. Same with men who marry strictly based on a woman’s looks (or money for that matter, we are in 2009 now, and many younger men are marrying older women with money) the marriage will be short lived. I think that true love comes from first having a relationship with God, and asking HIM what His will is in all things, marriage included. I think it’s important to find a responsible person to live our lives with, but to me, what I fell in love with for lack of a better phrase, in my husband–was his relationship with Christ. How we both had that in common, first, and then everything else sort of blossomed from there.

I think that attraction is important, but it’s not going to be the glue that keeps a marriage going. When we leave God out of the equation, a marriage has a harder time coping with the difficult times, etc. This is my opinion, I have relatives who don’t have God in their lives, are self proclaimed atheists, and they have been married a while–not sure how happy they are, but in terms of number of years, they have been together a while.

I think that marriage is about three…the wife, husband AND God. Keeping God at the forefront of our marriages, wont mean that we never face tough times, but we will be better able to cope, as God’s grace is sufficient in all things, for each of us.

If we have God at the forefront of our lives, a woman isn’t going to marry a man solely because of the size of his paycheck, and a man isn’t going to only marry a woman based on superficial attraction. Just my thoughts. :)*
 
whatevergirl said:
Marrying for money runs in my family, and most of the women left their spouses by now. Money isn’t everything, and while there’s nothing wrong with owning/buying nice things, you’re not going to reach ‘happily ever after’ if that was your goal for marrying a guy. Same with men who marry strictly based on a woman’s looks (or money for that matter, we are in 2009 now, and many younger men are marrying older women with money) the marriage will be short lived. I think that true love comes from first having a relationship with God, and asking HIM what His will is in all things, marriage included. I think it’s important to find a responsible person to live our lives with, but to me, what I fell in love with for lack of a better phrase, in my husband–was his relationship with Christ. How we both had that in common, first, and then everything else sort of blossomed from there.

I think that attraction is important, but it’s not going to be the glue that keeps a marriage going. When we leave God out of the equation, a marriage has a harder time coping with the difficult times, etc. This is my opinion, I have relatives who don’t have God in their lives, are self proclaimed atheists, and they have been married a while–not sure how happy they are, but in terms of number of years, they have been together a while.

I think that marriage is about three…the wife, husband AND God. Keeping God at the forefront of our marriages, wont mean that we never face tough times, but we will be better able to cope, as God’s grace is sufficient in all things, for each of us.

If we have God at the forefront of our lives, a woman isn’t going to marry a man solely because of the size of his paycheck, and a man isn’t going to only marry a woman based on superficial attraction. Just my thoughts. 🙂
Click to expand...
Funny you should mention atheists. According to statistics, they have one of the lowest divorce rates. Evangelical Christians have the highest and Catholics are lower. I think the relationship with God is important but not necessary for a happy, successful marriage. Too bad, huh?
 
organdy said:
Your premise is kind of off, if you think about it. You can’t have a society where women are placed in arranged marriages and men choose women on the basis of attraction… either marriages are arranged, or they aren’t, right?

As for the success of arranged marriages, be careful about confusing correlation with causation… Assuming that you’re defining “success” as “not getting divorced”, it stands to reason that people who submitted to arranged marriages in the first place are less likely to see divorce as an option even if the marriage is a disaster by any other standard.
Click to expand...
I really didn’t have a “premise”, per se. I was just making observations. Ultimately, Della answered my question as I was wondering what formed the basis of legitimate reasons for marriage.
 
sanctamaria17 said:
As a woman, let me tell you, we do get visually stimulated as well. I can be, but for me, the “Women fall in love with their ears” statement is true…especially because I’m bilingual (going on trilingual), haha…

But that’s not all there is. The guys I’ve been attracted to have always been either best friends or, if I didn’t know him that well yet, at least someone I really hit it off with. I think for me, it’s because I know love is a choice and I’ve already chosen to love them as a friend.

Some of them probably would not be considered cute and as for money, well my family’s not rich and most of them aren’t either. Also, college is the great equalizer…NONE of us have money!! Though the guys I know, even just friends, pay for all girls…I’ve tried telling them it’s no big deal for me to buy coffee or a sandwich, but they insist…I’ve liked guys of all different looks, ethnicities, types, whatever. All that really matters is that he’s a good Catholic (and agrees with the teachings!!), a gentleman, a good friend already, he values service and social justice, and he’s someone I feel comfortable talking to.

I notice I do tend to go for older ones, but that’s because most of my friends are a few years older than I am. As a young child, I was the oldest in my family and among the neighborhood kids and spent most of my time with adults, so I’ve always valued that conversation. I also was one of the oddballs in my class, but my teachers and the older kids accepted me, even when kids my age did not. Even in high school, my mom found it perfectly normal for me to come home in friends’ cars (provided she met them first and that they didn’t just get their license the day before) and was OK with me going to junior prom…my freshman year! But that’s because I’ve always been able to handle myself well with older people. Until college, it was actually difficult for me to hang out with people my own age…It has nothing to do with financial security at all, some of them are still in college, one is in Peace Corps, and a bunch are in grad school/med school…and most of us have career aspirations in the non-profit sector…So money could not be less of a concern for me…As long as we have a roof over our heads in a safe neighborhood (for the babies), food in our bellies, and a bit to put aside, I really don’t care…
Click to expand...
I don’t disagree that women are visual and that they consider attraction. One thing to keep in mind though is that what you think of as attractive physically are actually cues to the potential of future financial success. This has been proven over and over. There’s so much biology behind what we’re attracted to that we don’t even realize it!

Interestingly, males are more attracted to females when they are ovulating. Now, they don’t know they’re ovulating, but there are various clues that the male brain is hard-wired to recognize on a subconscience level. By the same token, females that aren’t ovulating are deemed less attractive…even if it’s the same woman…just different time of the month. That’s why birth control pills have been found to cause men and women to make bad decisions regarding mates. It throws off nature!
 
Truth said:
Sorry, but women DO marry for money. It happens all the time!
Click to expand...
Well, here’s one that didn’t–that’s for sure! My dh and I have a very small house and one basic income–his, which isn’t grand. I married him because he was right for me and I for him. He makes me feel secure, not by having bags of money but by caring for me and loving me even when I’m at my lowest, meanest, stupidest (and yes, he is sometimes all those things too). A mature marriage is one based on giving of oneself not what one can get out of it. It’s the only kind of relationship that works between God and man, as well.
 
Except all the men I’m attracted to are doing work in non-profits!! Not exactly a money-making profession!!

Also, college is the great equalizer…International Development majors with student loans plus rent plus groceries, yeah, we don’t make much now, nor will we be making much in the future. We’ll be making just enough to live comfortably and that’s it…

If I were really attracted to money prospects, I think my social circle would not include a bunch of ID/Social Work/English/Philosophy/Linguistics majors who want to work in non-profits and spend all day going on about the necessity of Fair Trade or about the beauty of rock music or lamenting how amazing our President would be if he was only pro-life…

What would you say about Protestant women who marry ministers? I mean, ministry is not exactly known for financial success…

Of course, my mom teases me about joining the Franciscans…I tend to get turned off by the guys who are into making money or who want to go into politics or business…Nothing against being friends with them, but their mindset is so different from mine…I like those who want to improve our society for little or no reward, for just enough to live on, because the point of this life is NOT financial success…I like the crazy liberal optimists, but then again, I am one 😃
 
Truth said:
Funny you should mention atheists. According to statistics, they have one of the lowest divorce rates. Evangelical Christians have the highest and Catholics are lower. I think the relationship with God is important but not necessary for a happy, successful marriage. Too bad, huh?
Click to expand...
The reason the divorce rate among atheist is so low is because they typically cohabitate instead on the grounds that marriage is for religios nuts who made it up.

Not based on real statistics…just makes sense according to atheists I know.
 
eucharisteo said:
The reason the divorce rate among atheist is so low is because they typically cohabitate instead on the grounds that marriage is for religios nuts who made it up.

Not based on real statistics…just makes sense according to atheists I know.
Click to expand...
Not a good argument, given that many Catholics on this site argue that cohabitating before marriage is supposed to increase the chances of divorce.
 
Just_Lurking said:
Not a good argument, given that many Catholics on this site argue that cohabitating before marriage is supposed to increase the chances of divorce.
Click to expand...
I believe eucharisteo means they just don’t bother to get married. Marriage is a commitment that puts different kinds of emphasis on a relationship, thus different stresses as well as different benefits. Over all, though, marriage is better for people who understand what commitment means and who can be honest with themselves–about their expectations as well as their own failings.
 
Della said:
I believe eucharisteo means they just don’t bother to get married.
Click to expand...
I’m not sure how that would affect the statistics at all. The atheist divorce rate is based on the number of atheist marriages, not the total number of atheists who live together but never get married. Just as the Catholic divorce rate is based on the number of Catholic marriages, not the total number of Catholics who choose a celibate lifestyle.
 
Just_Lurking said:
I’m not sure how that would affect the statistics at all. The atheist divorce rate is based on the number of atheist marriages, not the total number of atheists who live together but never get married. Just as the Catholic divorce rate is based on the number of Catholic marriages, not the total number of Catholics who choose a celibate lifestyle.
Click to expand...
Well, if few atheists get married, then those who do would be particularly committed to it, you see. OTOH, many people of faith do get married, which means there’s a greater chance for divorces among a greater population.

IAC, as I wrote, it takes commitment, no matter what one’s religious beliefs. Those atheists who believe they should work on their marriages are just as likely to stay married as people of faith who do the same.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top