Marrying non Catholic

[Tkj421]

So I’ve been dating a Christian non-Catholic girl for some time now. Her mother was raised Catholic but she was raised in a nondenominational family. When it comes to life issues, she’s pro-life and believes that the sanctity of life begins at conception. I’ve invited her to church many times and she participates and we’ve even gone to adoration together. However she says she’s not really sure if she wants to become Catholic, but would agree to however raise our kids Catholic if we got married. She said she’s very tolerable (and even agrees) for what the Catholic Church teaches and respects my beliefs, and would even continue to go to mass and adoration with me. When it comes to beliefs, there is nothing really conflicting, other than the fact that I’ve been consistently told by my Catholic parents that you must only marry a Catholic. However, I’m starting to find that while that may be a good basic guideline, I feel that since contraception issues and raising the kids Catholic issue isn’t a problem I don’t see why there would be a problem if I married a non Catholic Christian. Can someone tell me if my head is in the right place?

 

[Casilda]

As a cradle Catholic who married a devout Christian and lived for almost 30yrs in his protestant world, I advise you to give this girl time for a serious look at Catholicism.

My parents left the Catholic faith when I was young, so it was not planted in me to marry a Catholic. Yet all that i knew was in the Bible and it said do not be unequally yoked, so I married a believer.

God was merciful, I did have a rollercoaster life but even rollercosters stop for you to get off. My husband is now more Catholic than most Catholics I know and he played a huge part in getting me back into full communion. But I do not wish my difficult journey on anyone. So give the girl time to learn more about the Catholic faith and start a proper life together.

 

[ClearWater]

So I’ve been dating a Christian non-Catholic girl for some time now. Her mother was raised Catholic but she was raised in a nondenominational family. When it comes to life issues, she’s pro-life and believes that the sanctity of life begins at conception. I’ve invited her to church many times and she participates and we’ve even gone to adoration together. However she says she’s not really sure if she wants to become Catholic, but would agree to however raise our kids Catholic if we got married. She said she’s very tolerable (and even agrees) for what the Catholic Church teaches and respects my beliefs, and would even continue to go to mass and adoration with me. When it comes to beliefs, there is nothing really conflicting, other than the fact that I’ve been consistently told by my Catholic parents that you must only marry a Catholic. However, I’m starting to find that while that may be a good basic guideline, I feel that since contraception issues and raising the kids Catholic issue isn’t a problem I don’t see why there would be a problem if I married a non Catholic Christian. Can someone tell me if my head is in the right place?

There are a lot of issues to Catholicism that don’t necessarily come to the surface while dating. Many come by the time children are on the scene.

Would she go to a Catholic Church with you after you marry? Would she go with you and the children?

If she won’t, it will be that you and your children go to one church, and she goes to another, giving a mixed message.

What will happen if they prefer to go with their mother to her church, since it’s natural for children to want to be with their mothers, especially when they are small.

Also, does she believe in contraception? Our church doesn’t. Further, if the time came, would she be willing to use Natural Family Planning?

Would she be okay with having, and displaying in your future home together, crosses, crucifixes, statues, rosaries, etc.?

An excellent step to see if you both might be ready for a step like this would be to go to Precana marriage preparation. That will bring up issues you both may had never even considered.

Good luck!

 

[mountee]

Here’s an honest reply from someone who is married almost 42 years to a non-Catholic. Do I wish, and do I pray, that my husband was Catholic? Absolutely. Raising two children Catholic alone, but with his support, was not easy. Both of them are married Catholic and raising our 5 grandchildren Catholic but there has always been this secret sadness that my husband does not worship or pray or love our faith. If I could offer you some advice I would like to suggest that you continue to try to bring her to the Church prior to a marriage, that you continue to catechize yourself as best you can and that you discuss all of the doctrine that makes you Catholic as it is much more than simply raising the children Catholic and contraception. A shared Catholic faith would probably be my advice to you also even though I know personally that is not the only way to have a Christian marriage.

 

[phil19034]

I would suggest that you either (a) see if she will attend RCIA (just to learn more about the Catholic Faith) or (b) purchase the Symbolon series and watch them with her.

Symbolon can be purchased here: symbolonrcia.org/

As someone who is married to a non-Catholic, I can tell you this honestly. Things often change after kids are born. When one parent is raising the child in their religion, sometimes the other feels left out. Also, sometimes once children are in the picture, the non-Catholic spouse will begin to learn more about Catholic beliefs, morals, values… and if there is something they disagree with, then they could change their mind.

Another example, years ago, my Aunt married a Methodist. They had agreed to raise the children Catholic before they were married. Once the kids were born; he refused to allow them to be raised Catholic (I don’t remember if they were Baptized Catholic or Methodist). Anyway, he had a change of heart for whatever reason and the children are not Catholic.

So I would suggest, using RCIA or Symbolon to primarily teach her about the Faith you would raise your children in. They way, she can make an educated decision regarding whether she would still allow it and perhaps (God willing) come into Communion with the Church herself.

May The Holy Spirit guide you during this process. Amen.

 

[pianistclare]

My gut feeling is that she is probably a wonderful girl who is quite in love with you.
She’s going to say what will please you. Not lying…but willing to bend on this.
However, as some have said, once she has a children…her own feelings about faith will come to the surface and they might not be in line with yours.
If she doesn’t convert (on her OWN) before you marry, I’d say that it’s not worth the risk.
I was married to a non-Catholic for 25 years. My life was a living hell. Not because he refused to participate in our prayer lives or church (he did refuse) but because his values were just all out of whack. He thought nothing of doing things that we just could not square with any brand of Christianity. He promised to raise the kids Catholic. So I did. He did nothing. He ran down the church on many occasions. It made the girls cry.
Now, I’ve been married to a cradle Catholic for almost 5 years. The difference is obvious. Wonderful. A great blessing. And the girls are happy to discuss anything with him. No fights. No pronouncements of “knowing better”.
Do yourself a favor, take it slow, see if she’s truly interested in converting, or be great friends.
Marriage is for a lifetime. You need an assurance that you will be on the same page for so many reasons.
I hope it all works out for you in a way that brings you great joy.
Peace.

 

[signit]

As I’ve said before, I was a mixed marriage child. My Catholic mother was my primary religion teacher, and my father’s non-participation was not a problem.

And as I’ve also said before, one big factor is whether the non-Catholic spouse is a really committed member of another church or whether that person is a “go-along-to-get-along” type (like my father) who has no church membership of his own and was just glad his kid was getting a religious upbringing. If that’s the case, in my opinion, the religious difference is less likely to be an issue.

If the non-Catholic spouse were an active member of some church that believed all Catholics were going to hell; if that person said “my kids are not going to a Catholic church”; there might be trouble; fortunately in your situation that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Just my opinion; good luck.

 

[Tkj421]

All of this information has valid points and experiences so thank you all. However, if the time came, where my girlfriend did not become Catholic by the end of this year, but still agreed to respect my faith and raise kids Catholic and agreed with everything the church teaches, should I let this relationship go? It would be so difficult, and I wouldn’t know how to put it in to words if it came to that. I do recognize marriage is for a lifetime, and in the past I’ve dated a very devout Catholic girl and when things ended so abruptly, it really left a bad taste in my mouth for Catholic girls. I see alot of couples who are very happily married who aren’t necessarily Catholic. And I feel like the majority of women I meet aren’t going to be Catholic. My older brother was very fortunate to have his wife be so open to conversion while they were dating. I feel like that’s a very rare case to successfully convert someone.

 

[pianistclare]

Obviously we can’t read her, or your heart in this matter. I feel for you.
I would pray, and leave it to God to reveal His will for you.
There’s no rush to marry. You may not realize, there may be quite a few Catholic women in your area. Continue in your relationship, but always stress how important raising any children in the faith is to you. Don’t give her any deadlines. It has to be HER idea, or you set yourselves up for resentments later. Let the Holy Spirit work in His time. Offer your Holy Communions for a clear answer. You’re in my prayers.
Peace.

 

[Emily2014]

All of this information has valid points and experiences so thank you all. However, if the time came, where my girlfriend did not become Catholic by the end of this year, but still agreed to respect my faith and raise kids Catholic and agreed with everything the church teaches, should I let this relationship go? It would be so difficult, and I wouldn’t know how to put it in to words if it came to that. I do recognize marriage is for a lifetime, and in the past I’ve dated a very devout Catholic girl and when things ended so abruptly, it really left a bad taste in my mouth for Catholic girls. I see alot of couples who are very happily married who aren’t necessarily Catholic. And I feel like the majority of women I meet aren’t going to be Catholic. My older brother was very fortunate to have his wife be so open to conversion while they were dating. I feel like that’s a very rare case to successfully convert someone.

Forgive me, but are you truly in love with her?

 

[phil19034]

All of this information has valid points and experiences so thank you all. However, if the time came, where my girlfriend did not become Catholic by the end of this year, but still agreed to respect my faith and raise kids Catholic and agreed with everything the church teaches, should I let this relationship go? It would be so difficult, and I wouldn’t know how to put it in to words if it came to that. I do recognize marriage is for a lifetime, and in the past I’ve dated a very devout Catholic girl and when things ended so abruptly, it really left a bad taste in my mouth for Catholic girls. I see alot of couples who are very happily married who aren’t necessarily Catholic. And I feel like the majority of women I meet aren’t going to be Catholic. My older brother was very fortunate to have his wife be so open to conversion while they were dating. I feel like that’s a very rare case to successfully convert someone.

You have to follow the Holy Spirit. If He is telling you to marry her, then marry her. I just think that most of us are trying to tell you to make sure you both have all the info now. If she is well educated on the Catholic faith before hand, whether she converts or not, she will be more willing to keep her word. But if she doesn’t know everything, she could get spooked.

May not, but it’s good to take this seriously. Religious/moral/ethical differences are one of the prime sources of no fault divorce, the other two being money issues and differences regarding how to raise kids.

However IF things don’t work out, there are always Catholic dating sites like catholicsingles.com, avemariasingles.com, catholicmatch.com, catholicmingle.com, etc

NOTE: I am not saying that mixed marriages can’t work or cannot be happy. I’m just saying that they often are not as easy once the kids arrive.

May The Lord send The Holy Spirit to guide you and your girlfriend. Amen.

 

[Shin]

See the chapter on ‘Mixed Marriages’.

The purpose of marriage is to raise children in the Lord for their salvation, and for mutual help of each other to gain salvation. You can’t mutually help each other to salvation when you’re not of the same Faith. You can’t raise children in the Lord when one parent is leading one way, and the other, the other.

Consider how difficult it is for two faithful Christian parents to raise a child properly in these times. Then consider the difficulty with the added hitch of there being only one. An absent or contrary partner is no partner at all.

Before marriage much is apparent sweetness and light that after becomes sturm and drang. People behave differently. The devil pushes two people together, and then when the knot is tied permanently, he pulls them swiftly apart into ruin. Two people tied together, unable to part, unable to live as they choose can become like devils to one another.

People put the cart before the horse in regards to their feelings for others before marriage. You have to have reserve, because emotions let loose are no guide as to whether your married life will be happy or not despite the message otherwise.

 

[MacQ]

So I’ve been dating a Christian non-Catholic girl for some time now. Her mother was raised Catholic but she was raised in a nondenominational family. When it comes to life issues, she’s pro-life and believes that the sanctity of life begins at conception. I’ve invited her to church many times and she participates and we’ve even gone to adoration together. However she says she’s not really sure if she wants to become Catholic, but would agree to however raise our kids Catholic if we got married. She said she’s very tolerable (and even agrees) for what the Catholic Church teaches and respects my beliefs, and would even continue to go to mass and adoration with me. When it comes to beliefs, there is nothing really conflicting, other than the fact that I’ve been consistently told by my Catholic parents that you must only marry a Catholic. However, I’m starting to find that while that may be a good basic guideline, I feel that since contraception issues and raising the kids Catholic issue isn’t a problem I don’t see why there would be a problem if I married a non Catholic Christian. Can someone tell me if my head is in the right place?

I can tell you that RCIA is FULL of people who have married Catholics and eventually decided to come into the church. I am one of them. And my spouses mother felt the way your parents do (thought it would surely end in divorce). 40 years later, here we are.

I would only be alarmed if she didn’t respect your beliefs or if she refused to raise kids catholic, or if your basic values didn’t match.

 

[MacQ]

See the chapter on ‘Mixed Marriages’.

The purpose of marriage is to raise children in the Lord for their salvation, and for mutual help of each other to gain salvation. You can’t mutually help each other to salvation when you’re not of the same Faith. You can’t raise children in the Lord when one parent is leading one way, and the other, the other.

Consider how difficult it is for two faithful Christian parents to raise a child properly in these times. Then consider the difficulty with the added hitch of there being only one. An absent or contrary partner is no partner at all.

Before marriage much is apparent sweetness and light that after becomes sturm and drang. People behave differently. The devil pushes two people together, and then when the knot is tied permanently, he pulls them swiftly apart into ruin. Two people tied together, unable to part, unable to live as they choose can become like devils to one another.

People put the cart before the horse in regards to their feelings for others before marriage. You have to have reserve, because emotions let loose are no guide as to whether your married life will be happy or not despite the message otherwise.

I beg to differ.
Especially since his fiance is NOT “leading in the other direction” but is willing to let the kids be raised catholic.
I have many many examples right in my own parish that refute your notion.

 

[MacQ]

All of this information has valid points and experiences so thank you all. However, if the time came, where my girlfriend did not become Catholic by the end of this year, but still agreed to respect my faith and raise kids Catholic and agreed with everything the church teaches, should I let this relationship go? It would be so difficult, and I wouldn’t know how to put it in to words if it came to that. I do recognize marriage is for a lifetime, and in the past I’ve dated a very devout Catholic girl and when things ended so abruptly, it really left a bad taste in my mouth for Catholic girls. I see alot of couples who are very happily married who aren’t necessarily Catholic. And I feel like the majority of women I meet aren’t going to be Catholic. My older brother was very fortunate to have his wife be so open to conversion while they were dating. I feel like that’s a very rare case to successfully convert someone.

She doesn’t have to become catholic by the end of the year.
It took me 32 years after being married.
She doesn’t EVER have to become catholic, for that matter, as long as she respects your faith and agrees for the kids to be raised in it.

 

[Catholic1954]

So I’ve been dating a Christian non-Catholic girl for some time now. Her mother was raised Catholic but she was raised in a nondenominational family. When it comes to life issues, she’s pro-life and believes that the sanctity of life begins at conception. I’ve invited her to church many times and she participates and we’ve even gone to adoration together. However she says she’s not really sure if she wants to become Catholic, but would agree to however raise our kids Catholic if we got married. She said she’s very tolerable (and even agrees) for what the Catholic Church teaches and respects my beliefs, and would even continue to go to mass and adoration with me. When it comes to beliefs, there is nothing really conflicting, other than the fact that I’ve been consistently told by my Catholic parents that you must only marry a Catholic. However, I’m starting to find that while that may be a good basic guideline, I feel that since contraception issues and raising the kids Catholic issue isn’t a problem I don’t see why there would be a problem if I married a non Catholic Christian. Can someone tell me if my head is in the right place?

It sounds like your head and heart are in the right place! Your parents want what is best for you, but this young lady has a more positive attitude toward the Church than some life-long, parochial school graduates I have seen. I married a non-Catholic and he converted (20 years later!) with a lot less desire to know about the Church, than this girl. If you are ever convinced that she is The One, go for it; your parents will come around later.