Marrying non-Catholics

  • Thread starter Thread starter mercuriel
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

mercuriel

Guest
Hi there,

I’m currently considering Catholicism but there are a few things I need to know first…

I’m in a relationship with an Anglican. I love her; she’s amazing and loves God. But she doesn’t seem interested in becoming a Catholic too (at least for now). This is probably because, amongst other things, it would mean a change of profession for her (she’s a Children and Families worker for a church).

Can anyone speak, ideally from personal experience, on whether a Catholic can realistically have a good marriage with a non-Catholic whilst simultaneously being faithful to the Faith/Church?

Could you also shed any light on some of the most likely issues we would have to resolve and be willing to share how they personally solved these issues?

Thanks so much!
 
mercuriel said:
Can anyone speak, ideally from personal experience, on whether a Catholic can realistically have a good marriage with a non-Catholic whilst simultaneously being faithful to the Faith/Church?
Click to expand...
You will get many perspectives.

The thing to remember is while “it can work” you need to define what “it works” means for you.

I will also point out that those who most frequently say “it can work” have one or the other spouse in the marriage being “non practicing” and therefore completely “OK” with the dominantly practicing person raising the children in that faith-- the non practicing person either has no involvement in religion or “goes along” with the dominant one and goes to their church.

I would suggest it is most difficult to find a way to “work” when BOTH spouses are devout and committed to the practice of their own faith and involved in their faith community. Can it work? Yes. Is it very difficult? Yes.
mercuriel said:
Could you also shed any light on some of the most likely issues we would have to resolve and be willing to share how they personally solved these issues?
Click to expand...
#1 children. Catholics must promise to raise their children Catholic.

#2 sexual/moral issues. Not sure exactly what “type” of Anglican your girl is-- that could be anything from evangelical to high church, from female bishops, abortion, and gay marriage to “none of those is acceptable” and anything in between.

You should particularly discuss contraception, sexuality in marriage, expectations regarding raising children, expectations around attending church, religious education (particularly if she works at a church and may have expectations on her own attendance there and that of her children) and what you each REALLY believe regarding doctrine and practice of the faith.

Can it ‘work’? Yes. Can it also be a big disaster? Yes. I would say on the whole, more people come on here lamenting their mixed marriage choice than praising it.

Yes, you can look for common ground. And there may be much of that. But the gaps can be quite wide-- and can turn into chasms over time.

Ultimately, how much of yourself do you have to comprise away in order to make it work? How much does she have to compromise away of herself to make it work? And, where does that leave you? Is that something you can both accept and commit to? What happens if one or the other changes their mind after marriage regarding allowing children to be raised in one or the other faith traditions?
 
1ke - thanks for the thoughtful response! You’ve given me much to think on
 
Yes it could work. Our parish priest in the Ordinariate was an Episcopal priest for forty years.
About four to five years ago he converted to Catholicism. Not long after, with the Pope’s permission, he because a Catholic priest in the Ordinariate.

His wife remained Episcopalian. They do have a very good marriage.
 
Well, religious issues would need to be discussed in advance. Would you pray together? Would she go her church, and you go to yours? When children come, would they go with you to your church or with her, to hers?
 
1ke said:
#1 children. Catholics must promise to raise their children Catholic.
Click to expand...
This is not precisely correct. The Catholic party must promise to do all in their power to see that their children are raised Catholic. The non-catholic party is also made aware of this requirement.
Can. 1125 The local ordinary can grant a permission of this kind if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:
Click to expand...
1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;
Click to expand...
2/ the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;
Click to expand...
3/ both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage which neither of the contracting parties is to exclude.
Click to expand...
 
I married a non-Catholic who is now Catholic. He was someone who loved the Lord with all his heart, soul and mind. Been married 30+ years. Ups and downs and vice versa. Marrying a Christian or a Catholic is no guarantee for a good marriage. My cousins who married Catholics were all divorced within a few years. My mother and two maternal aunts were abandoned by their Catholic spouses. Left to raise their children alone at a time when a divorced woman was looked down upon.
 
A couple of thoughts from the Anglican side…

I have known many couples who are Anglican/Roman and they all seem to be doing fine. There is a spectrum, however, in how active in the faith they are. They mostly tend to share each other’s traditions and parishes with ease.

I would ask you to consider one thing. If your intended is on staff of an Anglican parish, working in ministry, perhaps she is discerning a call to the priesthood. If that is the case, even if not now but in the future, would you be comfortable with having a wife who is a priest? Perhaps Contarini might be of counsel here. His wife is a priest.
 
Not wanting to give too much detail online, I’ll share a bit…

She’s probably a middle-of-the-road Anglican. She believes in sacraments, liturgy, deacons-priest-bishops etc.

She does believes in traditional marriage and most of the orthodox stuff.

She’s a Protestant in her outlook though and believes in women-priests and contraception.

We’ve spoken about contraception - she’s happy using NFP.

The biggest issue for her is what we would raise the kids as.
 
1ke said:
Not sure exactly what “type” of Anglican your girl is…
Click to expand...
My Catholic wife is married to a non-Catholic. I have always thought that we had a great marriage. But now I realize that I have to go back and figure out what “type” of Catholic she is.
 
mercuriel said:
Not wanting to give too much detail online, I’ll share a bit…

She’s probably a middle-of-the-road Anglican. She believes in sacraments, liturgy, deacons-priest-bishops etc.

She does believes in traditional marriage and most of the orthodox stuff.

She’s a Protestant in her outlook though and believes in women-priests and contraception.

We’ve spoken about contraception - she’s happy using NFP.

The biggest issue for her is what we would raise the kids as.
Click to expand...
That’s probably going to be the issue in your marriage then. As a Catholic you are expected to raise your kids Catholic. You would also have to have a Catholic Marriage Ceremony in which you promise to raise your kids Catholic.

I’ll be honest, I don’t think mixed marriages are a good idea. The Church doesn’t really encourage them. I have some experience with this as my own father is a Muslim. My brother also married a Protestant lady. She’s a lovely woman but she wouldn’t be too happy with the kids learning stuff about Mary etc.

My attitude is that I would encourage my kids to basically rule out anyone who isn’t a practicing Catholic.
 
mercuriel said:
We’ve spoken about contraception - she’s happy using NFP.
Click to expand...
That’s good.

Although that can change, judging by many of the threads on this forum regarding mixed marriage and NFP/contraceptive use. Practicing NFP at times can become very difficult; and if one of the spouses doesn’t have a moral problem with contraceptives, they may very well decide to throw in the towel on NFP if it becomes too hard, or if they decide against more children and don’t sufficiently trust NFP.
mercuriel said:
The biggest issue for her is what we would raise the kids as.
Click to expand...
This would likely be an issue if you decided to get married, then. If a person’s faith tradition is important to him and if they wish to pass on that faith to their children, it is better to find someone who shares that faith.
 
mercuriel said:
She’s a Protestant in her outlook though and believes in women-priests and contraception.

.
Click to expand...
I wouldn’t say that makes her a ‘Protestant’ by any means. There are many Anglo-Catholics who are women priests or don’t think twice about women priests in their parishes. And contraception? That’s not really a denominational categorization. For most Christians, it’s just a health decision.
 
I am married to a non Catholic. I feel that I am better of with a devout Christian man rather than a lukewarm Catholic and I know several other mixed marriages. I think the other party has to understand the expectations of a Catholic, eg a lot of my non Catholic friends don’t feel the need to go to church weekly.

I would talk to her about how she would want to raise any children.
 
WilliamE said:
My Catholic wife is married to a non-Catholic. I have always thought that we had a great marriage. But now I realize that I have to go back and figure out what “type” of Catholic she is.
Click to expand...
Seems you may not be familiar with Anglicanism.
 
Yes, the raising of the kids is a really important issue. As a mother, I can tell you that after they are born, this issue will probably be even more important to her than now, when they are only hypothetical.
Another thing to think about is: Do you want to spend your life with someone, who will cherish and appreciate your Catholic faith, or will you be happy with someone who merely tolerates it?
 
I am married to a non Catholic who is now very supportive of everything regarding my faith and is also on a road to conversion. But it wasn’t always so. I would never advise Catholics to marry outside of their faith. It is one thing to have a spouse who is supportive, but a completely different to actually sharing it with that person. I know couples where they both practice the faith and it is a completely different story. I hope to have that one day.

Please discern carefully. Discuss everything.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top