Marrying someone who finds me physically unattractive

[1ke]

I think one of the things that is really over-emphasised in Catholic culture and circles

You need new circles. That isn’t emphasized in ANY Catholic circles I’ve been a part of.

Because the message I’ve received has been: ‘Men are visual and they are silently and casually assessing your appearance at all times.

Again: new circle.

You need to get some wider perspective because most people don’t behave that way or think that way.

 

[1ke]

I never realised that attraction grows for men. I just thought it was instant or not. You’re his ‘type’ or not. Well, maybe it’s that way for men under 30.

Someone has done a real number on you. One of your frienemies i suspect.

 

[Mi_Rose]

My goodness. Of course my husband think I’m attractive. He does not however love me for my looks. He loves my looks because he loves me.
He is attracted to me because of love. I am no great beauty.
Oh my. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and love makes the beloved gorgeous.

 

[Irishmom2]

Well, that’s the plan. But unless he’s blind, I don’t imagine that appearances won’t factor in somehow.

You know, I think you are putting too much emphasis on looks. And I know you said your sister is beautiful, but so what? You don’t want someone that just loves you for your looks, and you are not going to get to the point that someone doesn’t find you attractive but asks you to marry him. Because even if you are average looking, someone will fall in love with you for the total you, your looks, your intelligence, sense of humor, your faith, whatever it is that they feel drawn to.

There are plenty of average looking people married to average looking people. There are beautiful women married to average looking guys, and handsome guys married to average looking women. Why? It has to do with their personalities and the fact that their relationship is not based on how they look.

 

[Xantippe]

And I know you said your sister is beautiful, but so what?

Your sister can’t marry ALL the guys.

 

[Joe_5859]

but from what I’ve seen, a man loves a woman because she’s attractive. Or because he thinks she is. This is ‘hating on’ men. It’s just what I’ve seen.

You need to meet better men.

Certainly I would agree that men (in general) are more tied to the visual than are women (in general). But that does not mean that looks are therefore the only important thing nor even the most important thing.

In my pre-married days, there are plenty of girls that I liked who were not as physically attractive as other girls I did not like. Looks are not the most important thing, even for guys. At least, not for the type of guy you’d actually want to marry.

 

[Sarcelle]

Option number 4 would be a good candidate for friend zone.

You are not being silly for wanting to be considered desirable by your husband. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder does there may be more men than you think who will likely find you more attractive than your sister.

 

[1ke]

I totally forgot about this until now, but I want to tell you about two guys I knew in college. We will call them Charles and Brad. They were not brothers, but they were best friends, roommates, and as close as brothers. Charles is what you would call “classically handsome“. He got lots of girls, and had lots of sex, and was always being chased by girls. Brad was not “handsome“ in the same way that Charles was. I got to know them through mutual friends, and we became friends and hung out a lot. From the very beginning I never found Charles attractive. He really wasn’t my type. I love him like a brother, but not attracted to him at all even though I could tell that objectively he was quite attractive. I found Brad very attractive to me, he was funny as hell, and we had a great time together. But his jealousy of Charles, his inability to believe that someone would find him attractive over Charles, because of past hurts, actually poisoned our budding relationship. I thought he was cute, he was smart, he was funny, I really found him to be the whole package as far as what was attractive to me. But he had been turned down by some of the girls that Charles had gone on to date. And it made him feel like he was not attractive. This was all in his head. I really encourage you to get counseling, because he poisoned his own well. And I think you do it too.