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GF_Girl
Guest
What should you do if a person you don’t like sys they love you and want to marry you? Is it wrong to say no? What if they say they will fit up finding someone who will love them?
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Cloisters
Well-known member
No, it’s not wrong to say no. You’d be under duress, in a way, if you did.
When you and your spouse meet, you both will know you’ve met your life partner.
Some persons will say what this person has said just to try to exploit you – if you know what I mean.
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chasingcars
Guest
It’s completely ok to say no if you don’t want to marry someone.
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Reepicheep
Guest
Why would it be wrong? You have the right to choose. If you don’t wish to marry this person then don’t marry them.
If they threaten to do something harmful unless you consent, that’s on them. You are not obligated to try to prevent them from harming themselves, and you are not obligated to give in to threats.
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Cynical_Realist
Guest
I cannot emphasize this enough: NEVER EVER MARRY SOMEONE that you are NOT attracted to! I don’t care how much it hurts the other person, trust me when I tell you that you that the moment you settle for somebody that you really don’t want, you are cheating FOUR people: you’re cheating yourself; you’re cheating you’re mate who will never be attractive to you; you’re cheating the person who actually would have been right for your mate; and you’re cheating the person who would have been right for YOU!
One more piece of advice: I don’t know how old you are, but you sound young. When this fellow tells you that he loves you, please do not tell him that you like him as a friend. Most guys can see through this, and those that don’t are being given false hope by you because they think that if they spend enough time with you, that one day you’ll realize that he is “the one.” This is nonsense from pop culture, but too many people fall for it! If he asks to be your friend, then gently let him know that you realize that that is NOT what he truly wants, and you are NOT going to change your mind despite what he might erroneously believe.
Do I sound harsh? Well, perhaps I do, but it’s not nearly as harsh as the rude awakening this young fellow would get when midway through your engagement (or worse yet, your marriage) he realizes that you never were in love with him to begin with.
Move on gently.
Peace of the Risen Lord Be upon You.
One more piece of advice: I don’t know how old you are, but you sound young. When this fellow tells you that he loves you, please do not tell him that you like him as a friend. Most guys can see through this, and those that don’t are being given false hope by you because they think that if they spend enough time with you, that one day you’ll realize that he is “the one.” This is nonsense from pop culture, but too many people fall for it! If he asks to be your friend, then gently let him know that you realize that that is NOT what he truly wants, and you are NOT going to change your mind despite what he might erroneously believe.
Do I sound harsh? Well, perhaps I do, but it’s not nearly as harsh as the rude awakening this young fellow would get when midway through your engagement (or worse yet, your marriage) he realizes that you never were in love with him to begin with.
Move on gently.
Peace of the Risen Lord Be upon You.
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pianistclare
Guest
^^^^This. It’s emotional abuse. RUN.
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truetofaith
Guest
Marry him or her…if you want to be miserable the rest of your life! 
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on_the_hill
Guest
“I never really liked my wife, but it was easier to marry her than break up with her.”
This could be a plot line for a dystopian existential story about people who are genetically selected to marry one another and produce children. Like some kind of eugenics. The bureaucrat at the government marriage arranging bureau tells you, “Whether or not you like the person is irrelevant. We will provide you with drugs that will help you overcome any emotional distress you may feel.”
Then something happens to the drug supply and thousands of couples start fighting each other, then they form a revolution, and during the whole saga they begin meeting the people they actually want to marry and everyone lives happily ever after.
This could be a plot line for a dystopian existential story about people who are genetically selected to marry one another and produce children. Like some kind of eugenics. The bureaucrat at the government marriage arranging bureau tells you, “Whether or not you like the person is irrelevant. We will provide you with drugs that will help you overcome any emotional distress you may feel.”
Then something happens to the drug supply and thousands of couples start fighting each other, then they form a revolution, and during the whole saga they begin meeting the people they actually want to marry and everyone lives happily ever after.
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57classic
Guest
I married a man I loved (was infatuated with) but didn’t like. I was too immature to analyze the deeper aspects of it all, thinking as we matured, he would grow up and I would come to like that person. I was wrong. He is now 60 and hasn’t grown up yet, he liked 17 and stayed there. I divorced him when I was 27 after figuring out that I could only change myself and that he liked himself that way and saw no reason to change.
What I have learned is that “like” generally is linked to respect. If one does not respect a person, it is impossible to like them and it eventually destroys any spark of love. There is the hope that the person will “change” because they have so much “potential”. I’ve heard this described as buying a dress in the wrong color, or style and hanging it in the closet hoping the dress will change into something you like.
In the movie Shenandoah, Jimmy Stewart’s character asks the dashing young Confederate Calvary officer if he likes his daughter who’s hand he is asking in marriage. When Doug McLure ( in all his cuteness) answers that he LOVES her, Stewart says ‘no, I asked if you like her. When I married her mother, I didn’t love her but I liked her and I knew she was someone I could live with. We grew to love each other over the years but it was because we liked each other first.’
What I have learned is that “like” generally is linked to respect. If one does not respect a person, it is impossible to like them and it eventually destroys any spark of love. There is the hope that the person will “change” because they have so much “potential”. I’ve heard this described as buying a dress in the wrong color, or style and hanging it in the closet hoping the dress will change into something you like.
In the movie Shenandoah, Jimmy Stewart’s character asks the dashing young Confederate Calvary officer if he likes his daughter who’s hand he is asking in marriage. When Doug McLure ( in all his cuteness) answers that he LOVES her, Stewart says ‘no, I asked if you like her. When I married her mother, I didn’t love her but I liked her and I knew she was someone I could live with. We grew to love each other over the years but it was because we liked each other first.’
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ctb95
Guest
Do not marry someone you dislike. That’s a recipe for disaster.
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Cynical_Realist
Guest
I’m not understanding what you mean by this. Are you commenting on my comment or are
You referring to the young suitor’s potential threat to harm himself if this young lady rejects his advances?
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Lou2U
Guest
Yes. No-one has any obligation to ever marry anyone, and if someone is trying to force you into marrying them, it’s a pretty good indicator of why you should run and never look back.
Lou
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CountrySteve
Guest
This is succinct but excellent advice. Due heed this.
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ToeInTheWater
Guest
I find it odd that anyone would think it is “wrong to say no”. I am not sure what you mean by the last question of “they will fit up finding someone who will love them”.
I do know that some people do “settle” for spouses they don’t find that attractive and there has been much debate on CAF and I’m sure elsewhere as to whether this is prudent, fair to the other spouse, etc. But even in those cases there is usually at least “like” and respect between the spouses.
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GF_Girl
Guest
I met this guy who is a relative of a long time (former) friend through choir. He seemed nice, quiet would say hi, suddenly he stopped, thought he disliked me (most people in my parish look down on me because I am Mexican, has happened to everyone in my family as well). He later friended me on Facebook where he started messaging me. Told me he liked me…as a friend. Suddenly he told me he loved me and wanted to date, I told him I only believed in courting (he thought it was the same thing). He than told me he loved me, he never felt that way about anyone before and I had to marry him or at least date him or he would give up on finding love. I am not that young, I am in my mid 20s the guy is roughly 10 years older than me. I am both a singer and instrumentalist, so never even stood next to the guy unless we were praying and it wasn’t always depending on the number of people. When I told him how i felt he would say I was mean and made him cry. He said if I did not love him back I was a bad person. To complicate matters I was trying to decide if I wanted to enter the sisterhood at that point, through several signs (I have a thick skull) from God, I don’t think the sisterhood is right for me. Thank you for all your replies, you all have made me sure I made the right decision despite losing all my “friends”.
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ToeInTheWater
Guest
If you are quoting what this man said to you, then that makes me wonder if he has some kind of mental disability or disorder. Even if he isn’t, his words are very manipulative and borderline abusive. You are NOT a bad person for not liking someone like that.
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ConfusedLucy
Guest
You are not responsible for this man. He sounds either mentally ill or maybe he has been brought up to think he is owed a wife. Either way its not your burden to bear and you can’t marry someone just because you feel sorry for them.
If you don’t like the person then it’d be very bad to say yes. Not doing either of ye a favour. I’m sure they’ll get over it.
That doesn’t sound very Christian.
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GF_Girl
Guest
@AdamPeter, no it is not, but unless you are not the majority race you are considered less. There are a few people who will treat you decently, but most will look down on you. Even priests are subject to their disapproval! Sadly, rumors were started about priests, scandals, police being called. It was a sad sight. Even priests who have been more traditional have had to be removed after what the priests would refer to as “complaints” against them. I feel ostracized sometimes in this community, but most surrounding parishes are similar. Luckily different races are slowly trickling in. Please keep this community in your prayers. 
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