Marrying young?

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catybug

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So I’ve been dating a guy for a number of months now, though we’ve known each other for several years. We met in my junior year of Highschool in the confession line at a Catholic Youth Conference ( what place better to meet a Catholic guy? :P) He lives about an hour and a half away currently. He is very devoutly Catholic, as am I. We encourage each other in growing in faith ( currently we’ve been having ling discussions on Mariology), and he’s led me closer to Christ in so many ways, and he says I’ve done the same for him.We go to great ;lengths to keep our relationship Christ centered. We go to mass together almost every time we see each other, we pray together, go to adoration, and I pile him with books and books of things like The Desert Fathers, Scot Hahn, G.K Chesterton ect. and he helps me to be more organized and think things through, and also encourages me to go to confession more often, because that is something I struggle with still. This isn’t just all love-dovey romance though there is plenty of that too. We’ve had our fights, big ones. I’m a very social person, he isn’t so much. He’s a very logical person, and I’m not so much. He thinks things through, I often say the first thing that pops into my head. I can be a whirlwind of energy, and he’s allot more calm. He likes math /science, and I like Literature, Philosophy and History He likes robots, I like pets. We’re different in so many ways, but we balance each other out in so many ways. We both want a big family. He’s an amazing man of God, and I’m amazed at God’s grace working through our relationship with each other.

We’re both almost 20, He just finished his first year of college, and could be possibly entering the Military, and I just finished my second year of college and am about to go away on a year long missionary trip. Obviously with these two things in mind, we aren’t getting engaged right now, and in fact we’re taking a break and taking a few steps back towards friendship while I’m gone, because there is the realization that allot of things discernment wise could change in a year. There is talk of the possibility of something after.

Originally, I was all for waiting until after college even for engagement, but the way things are going, I probably wont finish college in the normal amount of time. And through the course of the relationship, the idea of marrying young has grown on me. I’ve come to the conclusion you aren’t ever going to be “ready” for marriage, though obviously marriage is a big commitment that takes allot of maturity. One thing I know though, is a do love him dearly, and ultimately I want him to get to heaven, and he constantly expresses the same wish for me. As mentioned before, a year of mission work, and then afterwards I plan on probably taking up a full time job to help offset the cost of college. I do eventually want to get a Masters in Theology though. He’s working towards a degree in Engineering, and also as I said before, is considering entering the Military. With all this mine, if this were to happen, I would probably be married by the time I was 22. There is no Church teaching of “marrying too young” so I defer to the wisdom of those older and wiser than me. Thoughts? Again obviously, this wont be happening for a very long time, but it is something I often wonder about, and its something we talk about, and I’d like to hear other opinions.

Sorry if this is all kind of jumbled, I just kind of typed it off the top of my head. Also its very long, I just realized.
 
I don’t think 22 is too young, especially if by that time both of you have had the experience of living independently and supporting yourselves. You don’t want to have to “housebreak” a guy who has never done his own laundry and thinks that food spontaneously materializes in the fridge, and he doesn’t want to marry a girl who thinks that having checks means she still has money and who makes dinner by picking up the phone and dialing Pizza Hut. If both of you have experience living independently by then, why not?

I guess I’d be most concerned about how your plans for schooling will interact with your plans for marriage. The mission plus year working plus getting married idea sounds like you might not make it through your BA before having kids. You may need to prioritize either the mission year or getting married–I’m not sure it will work to do both. We got married when I was almost 23 and I was 27 and had my MA before we had our first baby, but lots of people have babies right away. Ideally, you would have your BA or almost have your BA before getting married, because it’s really HARD to be a mom (either expectant or new) and a student at the same time. Also, think hard about whether or not you should saddle your family with MA debt if you are planning on staying home with your kids.

I’d also encourage you two to do a personal finance class together (perhaps Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University) together soon.
 
Really sorry, no advice from me. Just hear to say that your story is super cute and made me squeal:blush:

Best of luck wherever you go!
 
I married at 18, husband was 21. We’ve been married 15 years. He’s in the military. I would do it all again in the exact way we did it, and I would not be upset if my children followed the same path. Of course if they do things differently I wouldn’t be upset either
 
There are difficulties and benefits to marrying young. But as others pointed out that wouldn’t be your greatest difficulty. I’m 22 and already feel I’m kind of old, LOL.
 
hopeful3542 said:
I think questions you should be asking instead of “how young is too young to marry?” are “Are we prepared to become parents?” and “Do we have a means of supporting ourselves?”
Even if you and your future-husband were planning on using NFP to avoid children during the early part of your marriage, there is the possibility that you could be unexpectedly blessed with a child. Is one of you (and it would most likely be you) prepared to put your education on hold in order to care for a child? I’m not going to say it’s impossible, but going to school while being pregnant/caring for an infant/young child is definitely a challenge. Would you two be capable of supporting a family of three?
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Xantippe said:
I don’t think 22 is too young, especially if by that time both of you have had the experience of living independently and supporting yourselves. You don’t want to have to “housebreak” a guy who has never done his own laundry and thinks that food spontaneously materializes in the fridge, and he doesn’t want to marry a girl who thinks that having checks means she still has money and who makes dinner by picking up the phone and dialing Pizza Hut. If both of you have experience living independently by then, why not?

I guess I’d be most concerned about how your plans for schooling will interact with your plans for marriage. The mission plus year working plus getting married idea sounds like you might not make it through your BA before having kids. You may need to prioritize either the mission year or getting married–I’m not sure it will work to do both. We got married when I was almost 23 and I was 27 and had my MA before we had our first baby, but lots of people have babies right away. Ideally, you would have your BA or almost have your BA before getting married, because it’s really HARD to be a mom (either expectant or new) and a student at the same time. Also, think hard about whether or not you should saddle your family with MA debt if you are planning on staying home with your kids.

I’d also encourage you two to do a personal finance class together (perhaps Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University) together soon.
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Both of you raise similar and very good points on this, and these are somethings we discussed and probably will discuss more when I get back. If he does go in the military, financial stability wouldn’t be as much of a problem. If he didn’t, it would pose a bit more of a problem, and that would probably give us reason to consider waiting a bit longer. With the military though, it would mean long stretches of time not being together, but I think this year could help prepare for that as well. A personal finance class sounds like a great idea that hasn’t come up yet.

As for the missionary year, I’m pretty much already committed to it. My planes to training is booked, and I leave in less than a month, and I honestly believe its what God wants me too do. My boyfriend is also rather convinced, and has been 100% supportive the entire time. ( He’s the one who convinced me to go ahead and start applying for organizations, because before I was mostly just talking about it, and not actually making many actions towards it ) and any time I’ve expressed doubts about it ( mostly about how much I’ll miss home, I’ve lived in the same house my entire life and have never been away for more than a week and a half) he’ll encouraged me to pray about it, and too trust in God and remind me the He’ll never give me anything I cant handle.

I wouldn’t mind holding off too getting a degree until I was older, and after two years of struggling( I love the scholarly aspect of college, reading and stuff, but I’m not so good at the practical, and at the moment, I don’t have a major), I’m questioning whether or not college is for me after all, and if it is, it seems not at this moment… Thats part of the reason I feel called to do this year of missionary work, to help further discern what Gods plan is for me is as far as undergrad goes, as I don’t want to go into my 3rd year of college still undecided. If I were to go back, it would probably be in a local college, and then I’d see from there as far as going for an MA. And the idea of debt is something that troubles me greatly.I know what its like to live in a household laden down with debt, and its not something I’ve ever wished to have in mine. Both of us want a large family though, and for that it is generally better to marry early, isn’t it? This is going to sound silly, but one of my big worries is also the stigma of marrying young, especially since we’re both so active in our parish communities. Just like there is a stigma that you /have/ to get a college degree to be successful in anything, which again as I said, i’m starting to wonder if its for me.But as far as marrying young. hearing all your little testimonies is helping out allot with that.
 
catybug said:
Both of you raise similar and very good points on this, and this is something we discussed. If he does go in the military, financial stability wouldn’t be as much of a problem. If he didn’t, it would pose a bit more of a problem, and that would probably give us reason to consider waiting a bit longer. With the military though, it would mean long stretches of time not being together, but I think this year could help prepare for that as well.

As for the missionary year, I’m pretty much already committed to it. My planes to training is booked, and I leave in less than a month, and I honestly believe its what God wants me too do. My boyfriend is also rather convinced, and has been 100% supportive the entire time. ( He’s the one who convinced me to go ahead and start applying for organizations, because before I was mostly just talking about it, and not actually making many actions towards it ) and any time I’ve expressed doubts about it ( mostly about how much I’ll miss home, I’ve lived in the same house my entire life and have never been away for more than a week and a half) he’ll encouraged me to pray about it, and too trust in God and remind me the He’ll never give me anything I cant handle.

I wouldn’t mind holding off too getting a degree until I was older, and after two years of struggling( I love the scholarly aspect of college, reading and stuff, but I’m not so good at the practical, and at the moment, I don’t have a major), I’m questioning whether or not college is for me after all, and if it is, it seems not at this moment… Thats part of the reason I feel called to do this year of missionary work, to help further discern what Gods plan is for me is as far as undergrad goes, as I don’t want to go into my 3rd year of college still undecided. If I were to go back, it would probably be in a local college, and then I’d see from there as far as going for an MA. And the idea of debt is something that troubles me greatly.I know what its like to live in a household laden down with debt, and its not something I’ve ever wished to have in mine. Both of us want a large family though, and for that it is generally better to marry early, isn’t it?
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My mom married at 25 and had 11 kids, but yes generally speaking it is more likely to have a large family if you marry young. If he does join the military, it is easier in many ways to have and raise a large family. My husband and I have 8 and are expecting twins. There is no way that we could afford even half of them if he wasn’t Active Duty. I know because he was reserves and had a civilian job for quite a few years. With him being an enlisted, not officer, I am able to be a housewife and still pay all our bills. We do not have debt or receive govt assistance. We do have to be very choosey, but we do manage. I went to tech school and became a pharmacy tech but I only work occasionally. My husband has some community college and is now working on his bachelors degree on line.

Military life is very difficult in many ways. It is not for the faint of heart. It involves tons of sacrifice and hardships. But for our family the benefits far outweigh the troubles. Many marriages don’t survive though. Unfortunately I cannot tell you if the military is a good fit for your situation. That is something only you will be able to decide. I can assure you, though, that many of the families that don’t function well in the military would function just as badly or even worse outside of the military. Most of the marriages are deeply flawed and the causes would have caused the home to crumble even quicker in the civilian world where finances are tougher and support resources aren’t as plentiful. But you mention living in the same house all your life. Moving every few years may be a hard thing for you to accept and that could cause major issues in your life. We have moved every two years and have lived in several countries as well as multiple states. We haven’t seen my family in over a year, and we haven’t seen his in 6+ years. It’s just too far to travel and it’s expensive as well. We live the closest to my family we ever have, and that is about 800 miles from them. His are in a completely different country. These are things to consider and pray about before you marry into the military, or even someone who may join up. He may decide years from now to join up even if he initially chooses not to. Could you accept possibly not seeing family for a year or more at a time? What about moving overseas? Or what about your kids never having a real hometown like you do? What about moving to a new country, 14 hour flight from closest US airport, pregnant with your third baby, and husband deploys for a year? These are just more common things that happen. Depending on his job is what other types of things that could go on. It works terrific for my family, but would it work for yours?
 
bitterhope said:
My mom married at 25 and had 11 kids, but yes generally speaking it is more likely to have a large family if you marry young. If he does join the military, it is easier in many ways to have and raise a large family. My husband and I have 8 and are expecting twins. There is no way that we could afford even half of them if he wasn’t Active Duty. I know because he was reserves and had a civilian job for quite a few years. With him being an enlisted, not officer, I am able to be a housewife and still pay all our bills. We do not have debt or receive govt assistance. We do have to be very choosey, but we do manage. I went to tech school and became a pharmacy tech but I only work occasionally. My husband has some community college and is now working on his bachelors degree on line.

Military life is very difficult in many ways. It is not for the faint of heart. It involves tons of sacrifice and hardships. But for our family the benefits far outweigh the troubles. Many marriages don’t survive though. Unfortunately I cannot tell you if the military is a good fit for your situation. That is something only you will be able to decide. I can assure you, though, that many of the families that don’t function well in the military would function just as badly or even worse outside of the military. Most of the marriages are deeply flawed and the causes would have caused the home to crumble even quicker in the civilian world where finances are tougher and support resources aren’t as plentiful. But you mention living in the same house all your life. Moving every few years may be a hard thing for you to accept and that could cause major issues in your life. We have moved every two years and have lived in several countries as well as multiple states. We haven’t seen my family in over a year, and we haven’t seen his in 6+ years. It’s just too far to travel and it’s expensive as well. We live the closest to my family we ever have, and that is about 800 miles from them. His are in a completely different country. These are things to consider and pray about before you marry into the military, or even someone who may join up. He may decide years from now to join up even if he initially chooses not to. Could you accept possibly not seeing family for a year or more at a time? What about moving overseas? Or what about your kids never having a real hometown like you do? What about moving to a new country, 14 hour flight from closest US airport, pregnant with your third baby, and husband deploys for a year? These are just more common things that happen. Depending on his job is what other types of things that could go on. It works terrific for my family, but would it work for yours?
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While I have lived in the same house my whole life, my Dad grew up in a military family, and me and him live with my grandparents ( My grandpa having been a medic in the air force in Vietnam) And I grew up on all their stories of their experiences, both good and bad. Up until my Senior year of High School, I was extremely convinced I was supposed to join the military, but something in me just changed, like God was pushing me towards another path ( still trying to figure out what that is).

In any case, I feel I wouldn’t have much of a problem with the life style, my fears currently with the year of mission are just the fact I haven’t ever been away from home for so long ,but I will probably come to terms with it. The idea of military life has never really daunted me, and I honestly feel as if I had missed out on some thing having stayed in the exact same place entire life ( though I also realize all the blessings that have come with that) I do worry about the effects of moving around allot can have on a larger family though. Thank you so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut!
 
You sound like a very sensible young woman who’s thinking things through carefully, before making big decisions. I hope that it all works out for you both. 🙂
 
Quill_and_Sword said:
Really sorry, no advice from me. Just hear to say that your story is super cute and made me squeal:blush:

Best of luck wherever you go!
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I was just about to write the same! I do love a cute love story such as this! 🙂

The one thing I would say to the OP is don’t worry about the differences, everyone has differences.
 
as long as you can live with yourselves every other thing counts for less. if you are certain that you are emotionally and economically stable enough to live together for at least 10 more years, I think you should start looking up the price for a wedding gown.
 
It seems that you and your boyfriend have your heads squared on your shoulders at such a young age.
I have two daugthers and would have zero issues with them marrying young (under the age of 25 in my book) if they were responsible and going about it the right way…Catholic marriage to a Catholic young man and a good understanding of what they are getting themselves into.
I got married at 28 but I want to stress that we didn’t wait to get married until we felt “established.” I’d like to think I’d have gotten married younger if I had met my husband earlier. We didn’t wait until we were finished with college, in a house, with careers and no debt.
In fact, both my husband and I are only now finishing our degrees after spending the entirety of our twenties working voch jobs.

A couple of points to make…
  1. Debt is not fun. Stay out of it at all costs. The only reason hubby and I are finishing our degrees is because the military is footing the bill for us. I’d never consider finishing a degree if I had to take out a loan to do it. It’s too risky IMHO. Hubby and I have both been in debt and it’s scary and overwhelming.
  2. If you’re ready to accept children then you are ready for marriage.
  3. That being said, children won’t halt your life entirely. I have two very young children and I’m working on my degree. It’s challenging but definitely doable if you have a good support system and you are motivated to finish. I’m going for a BS, I’m halfway done and I have a 3.8 average.
  4. Military life is especially challenging, even more so for young couples. Bitterhope makes some excellent points…
bitterhope said:
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Military life is very difficult in many ways. It is not for the faint of heart. It involves tons of sacrifice and hardships. But for our family the benefits far outweigh the troubles. Many marriages don’t survive though. Unfortunately I cannot tell you if the military is a good fit for your situation. That is something only you will be able to decide. I can assure you, though, that many of the families that don’t function well in the military would function just as badly or even worse outside of the military. Most of the marriages are deeply flawed and the causes would have caused the home to crumble even quicker in the civilian world where finances are tougher and support resources aren’t as plentiful. But you mention living in the same house all your life. Moving every few years may be a hard thing for you to accept and that could cause major issues in your life. We have moved every two years and have lived in several countries as well as multiple states. We haven’t seen my family in over a year, and we haven’t seen his in 6+ years. It’s just too far to travel and it’s expensive as well. We live the closest to my family we ever have, and that is about 800 miles from them. His are in a completely different country. These are things to consider and pray about before you marry into the military, or even someone who may join up. He may decide years from now to join up even if he initially chooses not to. Could you accept possibly not seeing family for a year or more at a time? What about moving overseas? Or what about your kids never having a real hometown like you do? What about moving to a new country, 14 hour flight from closest US airport, pregnant with your third baby, and husband deploys for a year? These are just more common things that happen. Depending on his job is what other types of things that could go on. It works terrific for my family, but would it work for yours?
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Keep in mind that many times military couple divorce it’s because the couple has met each other in their respective training schools and fall in “love” with each other within months of meeting.
When I was in Tech School for the Air Force, I saw three girls meet guys and marry them less then 3-4 months later. All three marriage have since ended and it was only within the time span of a couple of years.

If your boyfriend is looking to go active duty, then bitterhope’s post is something you should really take to heart.

My husband and I are Air Guard and that is only part time but we still make our own sacrifices. Weekends are a huge challenge of us because of conflicting drill schedules and there is always 2 week training deployments each year for the two of us.

Military life isn’t easy. I’m really looking forward to my contract being up so at least we won’t both be in the military. This is a big thing you and your boyfriend need to talk about and figure out.
 
What a refreshing story to start my day. You’ve already received excellent advice so I just want to encourage you both. The path you are on is very admirable and I will pray for God to protect your relationship and guide you forward.
 
In many ways your story sounds a little like my wife’s and mine. She is certainly much more social where I tend to be the quiet reserved type. I’d rather be reading then talk to the neighbors any day. 😃

Despite our differences we’ve been married almost 20 years. I was 21 and she had just turned 19, so by most people’s standards we were “way too young” when we got married.

As another poster said, the real question to ask is weather you both are ready to be parents. If you have a laundry list of things to do before having kids then marriage might not make sense right now. As one of our priest said, it used to be most people had kids in the first year or two after marriage, now it’s something people pencil in after they’ve done X, Y, Z. He just shakes his head when kids are at the end of the list, not something to be expected early on.

My wife and I teach NFP and marriage prep and we often talk to couples in their early to mid 20s that say they want to put off children for 5+ years. We often throw a bit of cold water on them when we give them the reality that using NFP to avoid children is not always easy especially for a young couple. Not because it doesn’t work, but simply because passions can easily override what their chart says. As one couple we know says, every one of their children were planned… at least 5 minutes in advance. 😃 If there is not strong motivation then they need to be prepared that all their plans will change if they unexpectedly become pregnant (leaving aside how a couple that is engaged in sexual congress can be surprised I don’t quite get, but I digress).

Long and short is there is nothing wrong with marrying young. Just ask yourself what dreams and goals are you not willing to give you (or at least delay). If you have a list of things that will make you resent your spouse if you can’t complete them then hold off on marriage.
 
catybug said:
So I’ve been dating a guy for a number of months now, though we’ve known each other for several years. We met in my junior year of Highschool in the confession line at a Catholic Youth Conference ( what place better to meet a Catholic guy? :P) He lives about an hour and a half away currently. He is very devoutly Catholic, as am I. We encourage each other in growing in faith ( currently we’ve been having ling discussions on Mariology), and he’s led me closer to Christ in so many ways, and he says I’ve done the same for him.We go to great ;lengths to keep our relationship Christ centered. We go to mass together almost every time we see each other, we pray together, go to adoration, and I pile him with books and books of things like The Desert Fathers, Scot Hahn, G.K Chesterton ect. and he helps me to be more organized and think things through, and also encourages me to go to confession more often, because that is something I struggle with still. This isn’t just all love-dovey romance though there is plenty of that too. We’ve had our fights, big ones. I’m a very social person, he isn’t so much. He’s a very logical person, and I’m not so much. He thinks things through, I often say the first thing that pops into my head. I can be a whirlwind of energy, and he’s allot more calm. He likes math /science, and I like Literature, Philosophy and History He likes robots, I like pets. We’re different in so many ways, but we balance each other out in so many ways. We both want a big family. He’s an amazing man of God, and I’m amazed at God’s grace working through our relationship with each other.

We’re both almost 20, He just finished his first year of college, and could be possibly entering the Military, and I just finished my second year of college and am about to go away on a year long missionary trip. Obviously with these two things in mind, we aren’t getting engaged right now, and in fact we’re taking a break and taking a few steps back towards friendship while I’m gone, because there is the realization that allot of things discernment wise could change in a year.

Originally, I was all for waiting until after college even for engagement, but the way things are going, I probably wont finish college in the normal amount of time. And through the course of the relationship, the idea of marrying young has grown on me. I’ve come to the conclusion you aren’t ever going to be “ready” for marriage, though obviously marriage is a big commitment that takes allot of maturity. One thing I know though, is a do love him dearly, and ultimately I want him to get to heaven, and he constantly expresses the same wish for me. As mentioned before, a year of mission work, and then afterwards I plan on probably taking up a full time job to help offset the cost of college. I do eventually want to get a Masters in Theology though. He’s working towards a degree in Engineering, and also as I said before, is considering entering the Military. With all this mine, if this were to happen, I would probably be married by the time I was 22. There is no Church teaching of “marrying too young” so I defer to the wisdom of those older and wiser than me. Thoughts? Again obviously, this wont be happening for a very long time, but it is something I often wonder about, and its something we talk about, and I’d like to hear other opinions.

Sorry if this is all kind of jumbled, I just kind of typed it off the top of my head. Also its very long, I just realized.
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One thing you didn’t mention is how the young man feels about changing your plans and marrying earlier than previously planned? Also, usually the parish requires a couple planning to marry to go to pre-Cana (wedding) classes for several month before allowing them to be married in the church. If he joins the military, you should check and see if your parish would permit you each to take them in separate places.

To me, 22 is certainly NOT too young to get married. You are both adults. Can you two afford to be married in the forseeable future–and even if you plan on using NFP at first to postpone a baby, remember that it doesn’t work 100% of the time. HOWEVER, if he’s in the military and thus being stationed in various places where a spouse can’t go, you’ve got the best birth control ever going right there. LOL!

I was married when I was 17 and my husband was 20—46 years ago–so not all young marriages are doomed to fail. We chose to marry because he was facing a second trip to Vietnam–we’d planned to wait until I graduated, as I was a high school senior. When he got his orders, we decided to change our plans. The main thing is not how many things you completely agree on, but how much you truly love each other. My husband and I are exact opposites as you described your relationship. I am a talker and very social, my husband is naturally more reserved. I’m a college grad–my husband finished high school and works construction. I love to read–my husband’s attitude is if it doesn’t come out in a movie, then he’s not interested. Yet, we’ve been married almost half a century and have raised 5 kids! The secret is love. Do you love him with your whole heart next only to God and does he love you the same way? A good question to ask yourselves–each separately–is whether you can imagine spending the rest of your lives without the other as your life partner? You need to each answer that question honestly and if the answer is that you both agree that each of you is the one person that the other can’t imagine life without–then get married. The thing is, there are no guarantees in life or marriage. If you waited until you were both 30 to get married, you still have no guarantee of perfect happiness or marital success. Love is something that only your hearts can define! So, I suggest that you worry less about your differences than what your hearts are telling each of you!
 
You seem genuine, and I am excited that you have found someone so good for your soul and for your heart. My husband and I married at 20, and it has only been 3 years for us but my heart is so full.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.
 
catybug said:
So I’ve been dating a guy for a number of months now, though we’ve known each other for several years. We met in my junior year of Highschool in the confession line at a Catholic Youth Conference ( what place better to meet a Catholic guy? :P) He lives about an hour and a half away currently. He is very devoutly Catholic, as am I. We encourage each other in growing in faith ( currently we’ve been having ling discussions on Mariology), and he’s led me closer to Christ in so many ways, and he says I’ve done the same for him.We go to great ;lengths to keep our relationship Christ centered. We go to mass together almost every time we see each other, we pray together, go to adoration, and I pile him with books and books of things like The Desert Fathers, Scot Hahn, G.K Chesterton ect. and he helps me to be more organized and think things through, and also encourages me to go to confession more often, because that is something I struggle with still. This isn’t just all love-dovey romance though there is plenty of that too. We’ve had our fights, big ones. I’m a very social person, he isn’t so much. He’s a very logical person, and I’m not so much. He thinks things through, I often say the first thing that pops into my head. I can be a whirlwind of energy, and he’s allot more calm. He likes math /science, and I like Literature, Philosophy and History He likes robots, I like pets. We’re different in so many ways, but we balance each other out in so many ways. We both want a big family. He’s an amazing man of God, and I’m amazed at God’s grace working through our relationship with each other.

We’re both almost 20, He just finished his first year of college, and could be possibly entering the Military, and I just finished my second year of college and am about to go away on a year long missionary trip. Obviously with these two things in mind, we aren’t getting engaged right now, and in fact we’re taking a break and taking a few steps back towards friendship while I’m gone, because there is the realization that allot of things discernment wise could change in a year. There is talk of the possibility of something after.

Originally, I was all for waiting until after college even for engagement, but the way things are going, I probably wont finish college in the normal amount of time. And through the course of the relationship, the idea of marrying young has grown on me. I’ve come to the conclusion you aren’t ever going to be “ready” for marriage, though obviously marriage is a big commitment that takes allot of maturity. One thing I know though, is a do love him dearly, and ultimately I want him to get to heaven, and he constantly expresses the same wish for me. As mentioned before, a year of mission work, and then afterwards I plan on probably taking up a full time job to help offset the cost of college. I do eventually want to get a Masters in Theology though. He’s working towards a degree in Engineering, and also as I said before, is considering entering the Military. With all this mine, if this were to happen, I would probably be married by the time I was 22. There is no Church teaching of “marrying too young” so I defer to the wisdom of those older and wiser than me. Thoughts? Again obviously, this wont be happening for a very long time, but it is something I often wonder about, and its something we talk about, and I’d like to hear other opinions.

Sorry if this is all kind of jumbled, I just kind of typed it off the top of my head. Also its very long, I just realized.
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Based on what you have said about yourself and about this young man, it sounds to me like you are both more mature and more ready for marriage than most people your age. I see no problem with you marrying at 22, or even at 21, or 20. But I think you just have to ask yourself the same questions as you would before entering marriage at any age. This is nowhere near a complete list, but some of those questions would be:
  • Am I ready to make my potential spouse the most important person in my life?
  • Am I ready to sacrifice my personal goals if necessary, for the good of our marriage?
  • Do we agree on religion? (It sounds like this is definitely yes.)
  • Do we agree on bearing and raising children? (For example: Do we agree on potential family size and openness to life? Do we agree on public school vs. private school vs. home school? Do we agree on things like attachment parenting, discipline, etc.?)
  • Do we agree on money – including questions like spending vs. saving, whether to do a monthly budget, how big and nice a house we want to buy, whether we are OK with taking on debt for a car or house or college (I would caution against debt, by the way), what are our long-term financial goals, etc.?
  • Do we agree on sex and sexual morality? For example, do we both oppose contraception? Do we both oppose sexual practices that are not open to life?
There are many more questions you could and should ask, but these are some examples. And of course he needs to ask himself the same questions.

You said that the two of you are reading a lot of books about the Catholic faith. I would recommend that you try reading some Catholic books about marriage, and discussing the subject together. You can try “For Better Forever” by Greg and Lisa Popcak, and I think I have heard good things about a marriage book by Archbishop Fulton Sheen. I am sure there are many other good books as well.

Also, see what your parents think (both of you). They may have some good advice for you.

Again, just based on what you posted, I see no reason you should not get married at 22 or even sooner. But of course, there is much more information that goes into that decision that I don’t have, so proceed with caution, but don’t feel like you must wait just for the sake of waiting.
 
catybug said:
Both of you raise similar and very good points on this, and these are somethings we discussed and probably will discuss more when I get back. If he does go in the military, financial stability wouldn’t be as much of a problem. If he didn’t, it would pose a bit more of a problem, and that would probably give us reason to consider waiting a bit longer. With the military though, it would mean long stretches of time not being together, but I think this year could help prepare for that as well. A personal finance class sounds like a great idea that hasn’t come up yet.

As for the missionary year, I’m pretty much already committed to it. My planes to training is booked, and I leave in less than a month, and I honestly believe its what God wants me too do. My boyfriend is also rather convinced, and has been 100% supportive the entire time. ( He’s the one who convinced me to go ahead and start applying for organizations, because before I was mostly just talking about it, and not actually making many actions towards it ) and any time I’ve expressed doubts about it ( mostly about how much I’ll miss home, I’ve lived in the same house my entire life and have never been away for more than a week and a half) he’ll encouraged me to pray about it, and too trust in God and remind me the He’ll never give me anything I cant handle.

I wouldn’t mind holding off too getting a degree until I was older, and after two years of struggling( I love the scholarly aspect of college, reading and stuff, but I’m not so good at the practical, and at the moment, I don’t have a major), I’m questioning whether or not college is for me after all, and if it is, it seems not at this moment… Thats part of the reason I feel called to do this year of missionary work, to help further discern what Gods plan is for me is as far as undergrad goes, as I don’t want to go into my 3rd year of college still undecided. If I were to go back, it would probably be in a local college, and then I’d see from there as far as going for an MA. And the idea of debt is something that troubles me greatly.I know what its like to live in a household laden down with debt, and its not something I’ve ever wished to have in mine. Both of us want a large family though, and for that it is generally better to marry early, isn’t it? This is going to sound silly, but one of my big worries is also the stigma of marrying young, especially since we’re both so active in our parish communities. Just like there is a stigma that you /have/ to get a college degree to be successful in anything, which again as I said, i’m starting to wonder if its for me.But as far as marrying young. hearing all your little testimonies is helping out allot with that.
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You two have a lot of interesting goals and ideas. I don’t think you have to choose between them right this minute, but bear in mind that there are conflicts. Examples:

not finishing BA vs. getting MA

getting MA vs. starting a large family right away

being a military spouse vs. finishing BA and MA (as you may not stay in any place long enough to make much progress)

If you do start a family soon, you’ll find it 2X or 3X as hard to study as it is now (and it doesn’t sound like school is that easy for you). Also, you’ll find that your dreamed-of MA being (unless it’s something for eventual work) starting to look like a frill if you don’t do it soon. It will very soon start competing for resources with such things as music lessons for the kids or being able to travel to visit your families reasonably often, let alone family vacations.

On the other hand, if you decide to go back to work at some point in some field that requires the MA, it might make sense to wait until you’re ready to go back to work so that you’d be able to job-hunt with a fresh, shiny degree.

As they say, it is possible to have it all, but it’s not possible to have it all at the same time.

Best wishes!
 
It really depends on the couple.

I know several people who married their high school sweethearts.

One of those couples had a divorce.

I know others who waited until after college/into their 30’s because they hadn’t met the right person.

If you believe you’ve met the right person, then why wait?
 
catybug said:
While I have lived in the same house my whole life, my Dad grew up in a military family, and me and him live with my grandparents ( My grandpa having been a medic in the air force in Vietnam) And I grew up on all their stories of their experiences, both good and bad. Up until my Senior year of High School, I was extremely convinced I was supposed to join the military, but something in me just changed, like God was pushing me towards another path ( still trying to figure out what that is).

In any case, I feel I wouldn’t have much of a problem with the life style, my fears currently with the year of mission are just the fact I haven’t ever been away from home for so long ,but I will probably come to terms with it. The idea of military life has never really daunted me, and I honestly feel as if I had missed out on some thing having stayed in the exact same place entire life ( though I also realize all the blessings that have come with that) I do worry about the effects of moving around allot can have on a larger family though. Thank you so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut!
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Well, we have a large family and for us it works beautifully. We are expecting our 9th and 10th kids, but most Army families I meet have 3-4 kids. That is still on the big side compared to most segments of society. It isn’t unusual to meet moms with 6 kids anywhere we’ve been. The Army pays for most moving expenses so it’s not so bad, either that or I’m just so used to it that it seems that way now. Honestly, as long as mom is excited about a move the kids are as well. Teens drag their feet a bit but not for long. School can be a struggle, but many of us homeschool done or all of our kids to ease the transitions (I will homeschool 3 next school year). Some posts have schools and the DODEA schools are quite good and the teachers are able to help kids transition. If there are any specific questions or concerns, PM me
 
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