Mary Magdalene is fed up

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belovedandbless said:
I am even more sick of the guys in church when I reveal my past and show them who I am now, instead of covering me with grace and prayer, use it as an excuse to say, hmmm, she has been loose before let me see how much I can get…
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Why are you revealing your past? It’s over. Fifteen years is a long time. I always say we become different people every five years. You were a child when that past happened. Forget it, don’t ever bring it up, and move on. Find new friends who love the new you.
 
I am so sorry you have been subjected to this.

I well remember hearing a story while I was in college (very conservative Catholic college) about a group of guys sitting around discussing how “Magdalene” (not her real name, obviously) had a “past”. And being mean about it. I was infuriated. It was unchristian, cruel, and just plain wrong. Not only that, but I seriously doubt ANY of these particular guys didn’t have a “past” themselves. Talk about hypocritical!

On the other hand, I am so VERY glad both my husband and I were virgins when we married. It gives us a special bond I can’t really put into words.

So I can understand those who hold this up as an ideal. But I would never have excluded my husband as a prospective husband if I had learned he had a “past”. I fell in love with HIM, plain and simple, and if he had carried a past with him, I would have done my best to cope with his sexual history.

I echo those who opine that there is no need for details. Chances are most of these guys treating you so poorly have more than a few sexual experiences under their belts. These guys are no good, and perhaps you should be glad they have revealed themselves to be so very early in the game.

There ARE good men out there. I’m sending some prayers tonight that God sends one your way.

BTW, I am a child of sexual “sin”. I am so very glad my parents did sin, because it resulted in ME. God can bring good out of every situation, even your past “history”. Some of the strongest, most wonderful women I know in this world have colorful pasts, have learned amazing things from it, and are loving and NON-judgmental fabulous Christians.
 
belovedandbless said:
Well unfortunately that is judgemntal, my dear. If Christ extends his greatness and his love to someone with a past to redeem them to the point where all vesitges of the past are gone, how come you can’t? I thought marriage was not only about seeing who is compatible for you but how best you can help your spouse to heaven? And who is to say that simply because the lady in question may have a past she may not be compatible in every other way? How come everyone is so interested in the mate that they can get instead of discerning whether this is the person who Christ desires you to give sacrifical love to?
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Knock off the attitude, princess. You owe KostyaJMJ a HUGE apology.

Who says that there is only ONE person Christ has designated for anyone? That is NOWHERE in Catholic belief and in fact can be a tool to bully and manipulate people (which is the tone that I am getting from you, which doesn’t sound very repentant to me).

And no, all vestiges of the past are NOT gone. Consequences still remain. Confession does not cure an STD, cause one to become unpregnant, or reassemle and bring back to life an aborted baby in a dumpster behind a clinic.

If you run into someone who can’t handle your past, simply DROP IT and move on.

On the other hand, if the guy himself is not a virgin, then that’s different, he is in no position to judge you and you have reason to call him out on it.
 
It is horrible Catholic men have taken and tried to take advantage of your weakness. It not acceptable or becoming of a Catholic man.

With that said, if a woman did have a past I would need to be sure she had truly converted and was STD free. Why? It is setting yourself up for a lot of trouble down the road if she hasnt worked out her past and wasnt free of disease. The past that someone has is roadmap of their actions. It is something that is clear and concrete. The more a girl talks about their past, the more questions that need to be asked about why and if she has actually changed. This decision about a spouse is a life long decision. In the Catholic Church, there is no divorce. Unless you can prove the sacrament was never valid or get lucky with a liberal diocese, an annulment is difficult. In your case, you openly admit to having sex with Catholic men after your conversion to the faith. I think when you talk so openly about your past to men it attracts men that think they can get stuff but at the same time it is a warning sign to good men that this girl is trouble and having sex with Catholic men further hurts you with the good men. Men do not process feelings as well as girls do hence actions are more important to us. Tell men about the good you have done and that you want to do and leave your past behind.

In the OP situation, a lot of it is her own doing. You can only use the past excuse for so long especially when you have been a Christian for 15 years and falling still during those years. If you continue to have sex as your post said, it will limit your choices. Especially when you do it with church members, word does spread and you get a reputation. You might truly have a personal conversion but human nature is gossipy and judgmental and your track record does not help your case nor your blaming others attitude. Men are normally very forgiving about the past but we also do not like excuses. To blame all the men in your life for your sexual problems while trying to avoid any blame is not only wrong but it doesnt endear you to the good men that do not want to be blamed for whatever problems come up in marriage. It is typical female attitude though. The heart of the problem is that she wants men to do all the work for her. She wont fight for her own purity but she wants someone else to do it for her. Before you start blaming Catholic men and criticizing us, try to do something to help your own case.

Kostya, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. You are allowed to go for whatever girls you want for whatever reason. None of these women here are the ones that have to live in your shoes. They are quick to demand us to be non judgmental of their past but they are very judgmental when we say that we do not want girls like them. There is nothing wrong with wanting a girl that is pure for whatever the reason. I am not going to apologize for what I want and I do not think there is anything wrong with it. Marriage is a serious, life long choice. You dont get a second chance in the church without serious cause. If a girl doesnt want me for whatever reason, I accept it and move on. It would be a lot crueler for them to go for me out of pity. I feel the same way about a girl that has continuing and ongoing purity problems. I wouldnt go for her because I wanted her but because I felt pity that no other man wanted her long term. I think its worse to do that than to actually to them you dont want them. In fact, I dont even have to say why I dont want someone. That is the same for you Kostya. If women dont like it, tough ****. Ive gotten my fair share of women yelling at me and I just walk away every time.

For the women: if I turned down a woman because she wanted to have a career and not have kids despite her having a good heart and love for me, you would not say I was wrong to do that because that is an important quality for me. Why should a woman’s past or ongoing problems be any different? I am looking for something specific in a woman and if I do not get it I will be perfectly content with being single. There is nothing wrong with wanting something specific. I dont appreciate being made to feel as if I am doing something wrong or bad by wanting something specific. The bible nor the church say that in addition to forgiving and loving others that you have to marry them! In fact, St Paul even said that marriage was a sort of necessary evil in the spiritual battle. My point is I am tired of male bashing by females. We are damned if we do and damned if we dont. In my experience men are very accepting of the past of women. Even the good ones. If you are having trouble finding a man, you need to do more than blame me for it. Maybe you arent called to marriage? Marriage is a calling. Before you blame Catholic men and judge Catholic men as being superficial, look at yourself and try to see if God is trying to tell you something.
 
belovedandbless you ARE blessed if you come across a man who freely admits through his words or deeds that he doesn’t have what it takes to be your man. Shake his hand and say thanks! and send him on his merry way. That is a gift indeed. 😉
 
I personally, as a man, wouldn’t mind if a woman had a past as long as she was over it and she was healthy. Frankly it’s none of my business to know the details—just as long as I know there was a past I’m fine. The details aren’t my business.
 
mjs1987 said:
In the OP situation, a lot of it is her own doing. You can only use the past excuse for so long especially when you have been a Christian for 15 years and falling still during those years. If you continue to have sex as your post said, it will limit your choices. Especially when you do it with church members, word does spread and you get a reputation. You might truly have a personal conversion but human nature is gossipy and judgmental and your track record does not help your case nor your blaming others attitude. Men are normally very forgiving about the past but we also do not like excuses. To blame all the men in your life for your sexual problems while trying to avoid any blame is not only wrong but it doesnt endear you to the good men that do not want to be blamed for whatever problems come up in marriage. It is typical female attitude though. The heart of the problem is that she wants men to do all the work for her. She wont fight for her own purity but she wants someone else to do it for her. Before you start blaming Catholic men and criticizing us, try to do something to help your own case.

Thank you all the guys who have compassion and understand that life is not all that complicated and easy. Until you have been in other people’s shoes and exerpience the trauma that I have, it gives you NO right to say that I was excusing myself. If you had read, you would have seen that I said am WORKING out my healing. I was a two-time rape victim during those 15 years. The first time, I was A VIRGIN. Anybody who has worked with rape victims KNOWS there are either two long term sexual reactions to rape - frgidilty or promiscutiy. I did not get counselling until a few years ago.

I am in no way condoning what I ever did. It is has been very PAINFUL to go through these ups and downs. I WANT to be chaste but the more and more I go along, the more and more I realize that God is healing me bit by bit. Don’t you DARE tell me that I don’t want to fight for my purity for myself. If I didn’t, I would have been going to a spiritual director for years, seeking rape counselling, praying for inner healing, etc, keeping going to confession, trying to keep up my Mass and Adoration pracitces etc.

Thank God for the guys on this board who have stood up and had compassion for me. And thank God my God keeps loving me and accepting me with open arms. I will walk out my healing completely despite people like you, Thank God for the examples of saints who became truly holy after years of sexual sin and brokeness. Imperfection and brokeness does not disqualify people from being loved by God and by people.There are more and more sexually broken people in this world than you know. The one thing that gives me hope is my dear spirituall director who says…“As you complete your healing and become whole you will be able to turn around and minister to people who are in your same situation and broken too.” Do yourselves a favor and google Shelly Lubben or Alessandro Serenelli, both of who were sexually broken people who God is using to minister to a hurting world and then we can come back and talk, (oh by the way, BOTH are happily married)
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Why would you be interested in any of these men?

If a man is so insecure, that he just can’t even deal with getting to know a woman with a “past”, he probably isn’t quite marriage material.

If a man looks at a woman with a “past” only as a way to get something, he is also not marriage material.

Honestly, if a man asked me on the first date if I was a virgin, the date would be over.
 
I’m surprised that your beef seems to be about the men. For me, I think women are the worst judges and let a girl with a past be interested in MY son…

If people treat you poorly, love them right! Just be full or vim, vigour and joy of life and treat them as if they are special and they’ll come round. Faster than you can imagine.
 
Charmian said:
I’m surprised that your beef seems to be about the men. For me, I think women are the worst judges and let a girl with a past be interested in MY son…
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Wow…At this point I don’t know what to say. May all of you who decide to say things like that be never have to go through the humbling experiences I have. God bless you.
 
Sorry Charmian,

I am a little bit raw after being reamed out by some people before…it is hard enough to be speak out against the stuff that has happened to me without facing the same thing over again…

Thank you for the support.
 
Oh sweetie, you need a Mommy type, unconditional hug!

I went to my Yoga teachers 90th birthday party last night. It was a celebration to life.
People grow and change. You are not who you were 5 years ago and you are different to who you will be in 5 years time. As long as your growth is towards good then don’t let people get you down.

I advise my yoga students and my catechism classes to live with this :

If at night, when you look in the mirror
You can be at peace with yourself and your God
Then you have had a good day.
Thank Him for it.
 
After reading some of your responses, it sounds like you are still hurting from the sexual abuses and are still playing the victim part to a certain extent. You mentioned two long term effects of rape as being either frigid or promiscuos. I don’t think it has to be one or the other. Being chaste is not the same thing as being frigid. And as someone already mentioned, why are you even telling people about your past? Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like you are revealing your prior trangressions much too early in any kind of relationship, be it romantic or just as friends. Its nobody’s business what you did until they need to know for their own personal safety (such as if you contacted an STD) and even then I would hope you would tell that person because you are considering marriage and you trust that person to accept your experiences with love and respect.

People have to earn your trust to reveal your past. They don’t have to know anything about that stuff until you feel secure in your relationship with them. And that takes time. In the meantime, if I were you I’d continue to work on myself with my spiritual director and and any personal counselor that specializes in sexual abuse and live my life anew in the love of Christ. The time for an intimate relationship with the right man is all in God’s timing., Maybe God wants you to take this time to forgive, heal and love yourself first before he brings the right man for you into your life.
 
Hi belovedandbless, ignore the rude people in this thread. I am a man and I would not hesitate to date a woman who was promiscuous in the past, as long as she was free of STDs. However, my experience has been that Catholic women are much more forgiving of past promiscuity than Catholic men.

I think you should be nothing but proud of the fact that you have overcome your past. Don’t settle for anyone who tries to make you feel like less of a person because of it.
 
Belovedandbless…I am sorry you are having such bad experiences. You should be very proud of yourself…to suffer rape and come out on the other side praising God is truly incredible. God knows your heart and he knows that your past sin was a response to the pain you were in. We can only imagine the rejoicing in heaven when a sinner repents!!! I have a feeling there was a lot of rejoicing the day your heart returned to God.

There are plenty of Saints who took the long path to God, St. Paul for example. And perhaps the best example of a checkered past is St. Augustine…and he came to the Lord at just the right time and basically saved the Church from brink of heresy. God didn’t have an issue with his past that stopped him from using him in the Church. And he will use you too, despite what others say or think. If their judgment was complete, we wouldn’t need God’s perfect judgment now would we?

Have you read or listened to anything by Crystallina Evert (spelling?)? She has a very checkered past and now we can only wonder how many teenagers have chosen chastity because of her testimonies.

At the end of the day, it is a guy’s choice to not be interested in a woman with a “past” but that also means he is probably letting his hang ups get in the way of being with an incredible woman. His loss. You don’t want a man who can’t cope with your past, he will only let the insecurity of it dig at him until he starts using your past against you.
For some people, it is a deal breaker. If the guy is himself a virgin, I can understand that a little more. If he is not a virgin, well then he is just a pig to expect only that from his future spouse.

People may be judging you…but we are not just called to celibacy when single, we are called to chastity at every stage in our life. Just because someone is a virgin, it does not necessarily mean they are living chastely – there could be living a world of lust with their eyes, deeds and their view of others. I wonder if all those who are judging you are living a chaste life, or are they quietly lusting or contracepting or going home and watching racy shows and movies. Who can say.
 
belovedandbless said:
This is a thread to vent but at this point in time I am fed up. I have a sexual past…**I am even more sick of the guys in church when I reveal my past and show them who I am now, instead of covering me with grace and prayer, use it as an excuse to say, hmmm, she has been loose before let me see how much I can get…**And I am not talking about the people who attend just attend Mass occasionally either. i am talking about people who are music ministers, altar servers, people who are going to Mass and Adoration everyday and being held up as one of the few good men in Church…and in any given situation I have to be the one fending them off and saying no, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to sin. In many cases, they keep coming and coming until I eventually am the one that weakens and we both fall. Where are the guys who will fight for a girl’s purity, whether or not she has had a past?

At this point, I feel disillusioned with Catholic men where I live becuase they all are the same.They are the same as men in the wold and judge you the same.There is no Chrsitlike love that helps covers sin and extends grace, only if she fits my criterion for being the perfect Catholic wife and I feel like the only one who can love me despite all my sins is God. The rest can love me in the abstract Christian way but they certainly don’t want me to be their wife or the mother of their children. I feel like there is no safe space in the Chruch for a woman like me and seriously wonder what is in store for me. Here endeth my rant (and no I am not cut out for religious life, I discerned THAT a long time ago)
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First of all, I’m sorry that you continue to encounter other people who sin. I wish none of us did, but we do. We all fall. People who have lead sexually pure lives are also prone to sin. Sometimes it’s sexual sin, sometimes it’s the sin of pride. We all have our weaknesses. Have mercy on others for their weaknesses.

Secondly, I agree with Kage that you shouldn’t reveal your past to everyone. It’s not their business to know every sordid detail.

I do sympathize with you, but I also want to be honest with you. From what you wrote, it doesn’t seem to me that people are judging you about the distant past. You write that men come onto you and keep coming and coming* until you both fall*. Seems like sins of the past are sometimes repeated with the men around you now. You aren’t the only one that weakens–they do too. Yes, it would be nice if we always encountered men who want to guard our chastity, but this is a fallen world. The truth is women need to help men guard their chastity too!

I’m glad you have a good spiritual director, and I commend you for making efforts to reform your life. Keep up the fight. And do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Instead of judging those who judge you, remember that’s we’re all tempted to some type of sin. Instead of counting on men to guard your chastity, help them guard theirs. God bless you.
 
I wonder if all those who are judging you are living a chaste life, or are they quietly lusting or contracepting or going home and watching racy shows and movies. Who can say.
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i dont mean to be unnecessarliy disagreeable, but i am UNquoting this.

i’m sympathetic to the OP. and i think a particular poster’s personal moritorium on dating checkered pasts is misguided.

but this inference edges toward bearing false witness. if, when supposing evil intentions of another, the conclusion is ‘who can say?’ then NO ONE should deign to say.
 
mjs1987 said:
It is typical female attitude though.
None of these women here are the ones that have to live in your shoes. They are quick to demand us to be non judgmental of their past but they are very judgmental when we say that we do not want girls like them. There is nothing wrong with wanting a girl that is pure for whatever the reason.
Ive gotten my fair share of women yelling at me and I just walk away every time.
My point is I am tired of male bashing by females. We are damned if we do and damned if we dont. In my experience men are very accepting of the past of women. Even the good ones. If you are having trouble finding a man, you need to do more than blame me for it. Maybe you arent called to marriage? Marriage is a calling. Before you blame Catholic men and judge Catholic men as being superficial, look at yourself and try to see if God is trying to tell you something.
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WHAT!!?!!:confused:
You are being dismissive of all females now? ‘The typical female attitude’? What’s that supposed to mean? I agree that there is nothing wrong with wanting your future wife to have reserved sexual intimacy for marriage, and hence for you, but to go around blasting females in this forum. You say you’ve gotten your fair share of women yelling at you; could that be perhaps because you are being disrespectful to womanhood? Wives are not accessories, that you can pick out the perfect one to make your life just perfect. Wives happen to be real living breathing human beings with an eternal soul. Don’t be so quick to blame women for your problems. If you aren’t yet married, then maybe you aren’t called to marriage either. Guess what, women and men with all kinds of pasts are called to marriage. Not every person does have a sexual past, some people do wait for marriage, and your comments are every bit as offensive to those people as to those who come here looking for support in overcoming their past.:mad:
 
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