Mass & Confession with CFS & other sticky problems?

[Blackberry]

I have a rather bizarre and extremely complicated question, so please bear with me.

I’m only 23 years old, but I have Fibromyalgia, Insulin-Dependent Diabetes, Celiac Sprue, Asthma, Sciatica, Chronic Migraines, and (for the past year and a half) Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – the combination of all these medical problems has resulted in my becoming an invalid of sorts. On my best days, I can do one extremely low-impact activity (like making dinner or taking a shower). My energy level is essentially zero and any activity I do debilitates me for several days afterwards.

All in all, this presents a major problem for me when it comes to going to Confession and Mass. Because of my severe chronic pain it’s extremely difficult to sit in a pew for more than five minutes, and I can’t remain standing for more than five minutes. And because of my extreme chronic fatigue and irregular hours (I feel my best between 8 p.m. and 3 a.m.) I can’t pull myself out of bed to even get to Mass. In addition to that, I can’t receive the Eucharist in the form of Bread because I have an intolerance to the gluten in wheat so I have to contact the priest before Mass in order to receive a special low-gluten Host – but I think it’s unfair to put the priest through arranging for me to receive Communion because of my unpredictable attendence.

My pain, fatigue, and irregular hours also makes it impossible for me to go to Confession, which in my parish occurs in a once-a-week, half-hour time slot. I would call to schedule an appointment for Confession but – because of the unpredictability of my condition – I wouldn’t be able to guarantee that I’d be fit enough at the scheduled time to keep the appointment. I haven’t gone to Confession in nearly three years and it’s bothering me to death since I have sins to confess that would otherwise prevent me from receiving Communion (and I refuse to receive Communion in the state of mortal sin).

To complicate matters even more, my father (with whom I live) is very antagonistic towards the Catholic Church and the very idea of the Sacraments (he refused to come to my Confirmation and First Communion, and he tolerates the practice of my faith only as long as I do so out of his sight and hearing), and so I fear the consequences of arranging for a lay minister of Communion to come to my home.

**Any ideas on how to solve this sticky situation?? ** I’m getting desperate. I love and miss going to Mass and receiving the Eucharist, and I genuinely want to practice my faith with a clean conscience, while also preventing a feud with my father. Thanks for your help!

 

[LilyM]

The main alternative which I see, as far as Confession and Communion goes, is simply to request the priest to visit at your home on those days when you are too ill to go out. Then you can confess and commune. Which I know you’ve said may cause difficulties with your father.

Does your father have any regular appointments outside the home (particularly on a Sunday) so that you can invite the priest at those times? If not, perhaps enlist the aid of a sympathetic relative or friend, ask them to invite your father on regular solo outings (you can always, justifiably, plead illness and stay home alone) so that you can have the priest over when he’s not at home?

Otherwise, simply remember that there is no sin of any kind involved, in your case, in missing Mass or confession, simply a valid case of you being genuinely too ill to leave the house and seek the sacraments, which illness removes your obligation to do so. Remember God doesn’t ask the impossible of us!

Another thought which occurs - is there more than one parish in your area? If so, check the timetabled confession times for all of them, some may well have daily or at least more than once-a-week confession.

 

[FrDavid96]

It is the pastor’s responsibility to visit you to hear confession and bring Communion. Don’t hesitate to make that request. Too many people do that because they’re under the false impression that the priest has too many other things to do, or it’s an imposition on him. It isn’t an imposition, it’s his responsibility. I don’t know the size of your parish or the restrictions on his time, but nothing a priest has to do is more important than pastoral ministry.

You said “but I think it’s unfair to put the priest through arranging for me to receive Communion because of my unpredictable attendence.” Not true. Expecting a priest to perform his pastoral ministry is never unfair. Scheduling might be difficult, and I gather it certainly will be. It’s quite easy to simply place a low-gluten host on the altar (on an extra paten, for example) before Mass. It’s not a lot of effort or time. If you arrange for the priest to visit, it’s likewise a simple matter to consecrate a lowgluten host at the Mass that day, or the day before.

My suggestion is that you take the most obvious route: talk to your priest, explain your situation, and ask to arrange for him to make a “sick call” visit to your home.

 

[Ruthie]

Oh, Blackberry, you have my sympathy and compassion. I have half your problems - fibro, diabetes, and depression (which all add up to CFS). I’m blessed to be able to make it to confession and Mass the majority of the time. It takes a lot of effort, but it’s worth it. But there are days, sometimes months, when I can’t.

Have you heard of the “spoon theory?” read it here. It’s a PDF file.

There are Saturdays (which is when we have Reconciliation) when I only have enough spoons to get dressed, but not to make the drive.

On those days, I find it helps me to have a “date” for someone to take me to church. In my case, it’s my DH - but he does shift work, and only gets one weekend day off. It’s Saturdays half the time, Sundays the other half. When he and I can get to confession and the vigil Mass together, I’m fine. And I do OK when we get to Sunday Mass. The rest of the time…

And it takes another spoon or two to call the parish office and arrange for someone to pick me up. Nope, haven’t done it yet. Not enough spoons.

Praying for spoons for you, and me, and other people with invisible disabilities,

Ruthie

 

[Fuerza]

Blackberry,

The other posters have given you good advice. You’re in a tough situation, but God does not give us more than we can handle. Since you say that you have some serious sins to confess, I suggest trying to make an Act of Perfect Contrition. This of course does not excuse from the obligation to make a sacramental confession as soon as possible, but at least this way maybe you can have some peace until you can arrange for a priest to come visit you (or until you have the strength to go visit a priest).

“O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life. Amen.”

In addition to this and other prayers such as the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet, you may also wish to make an Act of Spiritual Communion:

My Jesus, I believe that You are present in the Most Holy Sacrament.
I love You above all things, and I desire to receive You into my soul.
Since I cannot at this moment receive You sacramentally,
come at least spiritually into my heart.
I embrace You as if You were already there and unite myself wholly to You.
Never permit me to be separated from You.

Try that while working out the logistics of getting a priest to visit you without your father’s bothering you. You’re in our prayers.

 

[puzzleannie]

simply call the parish and ask the priest to visit you for confession and communion, as he would any other parishioner homebound by illness. If you can’t attend Mass you have no obligation to do so. You will of course apprise him of your need for the low gluten host, and remind him when you make future appointments. If your father is abusing you to the point of keeping the priest away, well you are the best judge of how to handle that, but I would have reported it to authorities long ago. If you cannot receive the sacraments, you will join the thousands of other Christians in the same position due to persecution and other evils in the world, make a good act of contrition and spiritual communion, and meditate frequently before the crucifix (or with that picture in your own mind) on Christ’s sufferings and unite your own with His, and in so doing may be the means of saving grace for many. you will not of course neglect prayers for the soul of your father at this time. Know of course you are joined in the prayers of all here.

 

[Blackberry]

Thank you for your advice thus far! I didn’t know that priests make visits to sick people’s homes for Confession and Communion – apart from the Annointing of the Sick when seriously ill or in danger of death. I still don’t know how to work that out in regards to my father. It’s just rather embarrassing (I guess that’s the right word) since I live within one-and-a-half “village” blocks of the church (a brief three-minute walk for a healthy person but impossible for me), I’m only 23 and look perfectly healthy (one of the blessings and curses of invisible diseases), I used to go to Mass with my grandmother before I got sick and feel guilty that she has to go by herself now, and I’m not really “seriously” ill, just annoyingly exhausted to the point of incapacitation and in discomfort. I’ll look into the “sick call” visits though. Is there anything that I myself need to do to prepare for such a visit?

Also, just to make one thing clear about an apparent misunderstanding – my father isn’t at all abusive. He’s a very pious evangelical Christian, and I think it broke his heart when I decided to follow my mother’s family’s Catholic faith (because he believes that I’ll go to hell because of it, yada yada yada) and to remind him of our disparity of faith is like twisting the knife. He is easily stressed out and has untreated high blood pressure, and he’s also very introverted so it’s hard to tell when he’s upset or depressed. It’s more his health and emotional well-being and the health of our relationship that concerns me most. I don’t want him to crack under the stress. I’ve already given him enough to be stressed about with my illness and total financial dependency on him.

Again, thank you for all your insight! But don’t hesitate to give me any other words of advice!

 

[mercygate]

Thank you for your advice thus far! I didn’t know that priests make visits to sick people’s homes for Confession and Communion – apart from the Annointing of the Sick when seriously ill or in danger of death. I still don’t know how to work that out in regards to my father. It’s just rather embarrassing (I guess that’s the right word) since I live within one-and-a-half “village” blocks of the church (a brief three-minute walk for a healthy person but impossible for me), I’m only 23 and look perfectly healthy (one of the blessings and curses of invisible diseases), I used to go to Mass with my grandmother before I got sick and feel guilty that she has to go by herself now, and I’m not really “seriously” ill, just annoyingly exhausted to the point of incapacitation and in discomfort. I’ll look into the “sick call” visits though. Is there anything that I myself need to do to prepare for such a visit?

Also, just to make one thing clear about an apparent misunderstanding – my father isn’t at all abusive. He’s a very pious evangelical Christian, and I think it broke his heart when I decided to follow my mother’s family’s Catholic faith (because he believes that I’ll go to hell because of it, yada yada yada) and to remind him of our disparity of faith is like twisting the knife. He is easily stressed out and has untreated high blood pressure, and he’s also very introverted so it’s hard to tell when he’s upset or depressed. It’s more his health and emotional well-being and the health of our relationship that concerns me most. I don’t want him to crack under the stress. I’ve already given him enough to be stressed about with my illness and total financial dependency on him.

Again, thank you for all your insight! But don’t hesitate to give me any other words of advice!

If he married your mother, and she practiced her faith, and you followed her, it seems only decent that he should respect your decision to follow her.

But it might be a great evangelical opportunity for your pastor to witness Christian charity by visiting your home to give you the Sacraments. Could soften your dad up a little and he might cut you a little slack.

 

[Blackberry]

If he married your mother, and she practiced her faith, and you followed her, it seems only decent that he should respect your decision to follow her.

But it might be a great evangelical opportunity for your pastor to witness Christian charity by visiting your home to give you the Sacraments. Could soften your dad up a little and he might cut you a little slack.

Oh! No, my mother converted from Catholicism to evangelical Christianity just before marrying my father. Oddly enough, my family has a long history of mixed marriages, but my mother was the first and only one to convert upon marrying. My Catholic grandmother married my Congregationalist grandfather, and my Catholic great-grandmother married my Protestant great-grandfather, but neither my grandfather nor my great-grandfather are particularly religious while my grandmother and great-grandmother are devout Catholics. I suppose my parents represent the first shift of power/influence in my family from Catholicism to Protestantism, and my brother and I are the first and only children of a (sort of mixed) marriage in my family to be raised Protestant (with a healthy dose of Catholicism, courtesy of my grandmother).

As for demonstrating Christian charity, my father already has a healthy respect for Catholics in that area. We live near a retreat for religious men and women, so there are always nuns and priests around that my father enjoys talking to and delights in their missions of mercy. It’s the Sacraments and Catholic doctrine and Tradition that my father finds abominable – in other words, Confirmation, infant Baptism, the Real Presence in the Eucharist, Confession, etc., the Rosary, the veneration of the BVM and the saints, and so on. Whileas inviting a priest into his home might be quite welcome, bringing the Sacraments into his home might push him over the edge. I hope you see the difference.

 

[EasterJoy]

As for demonstrating Christian charity, my father already has a healthy respect for Catholics in that area. We live near a retreat for religious men and women, so there are always nuns and priests around that my father enjoys talking to and delights in their missions of mercy. It’s the Sacraments and Catholic doctrine and Tradition that my father finds abominable – in other words, Confirmation, infant Baptism, the Real Presence in the Eucharist, Confession, etc., the Rosary, the veneration of the BVM and the saints, and so on. Whileas inviting a priest into his home might be quite welcome, bringing the Sacraments into his home might push him over the edge. I hope you see the difference.

You might ask your father about it. Never underestimate what a father will do for his daughter! What he wouldn’t do for anyone else on earth, he might readily do for you. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

You are also a particularly unusual and worthy case. Your pastor might be willing to work out a more or less unusual arrangement for you. For instance, you might be able to have a low-gluten host consecrated for you on a weekly basis, with the arrangement that it be set aside for you if you cannot make it for that Mass. You might need to arrange to leave your own gluten-free pyx in the tabernacle, should that happen. You never know what he might be willing to do for you.

The same goes for confession. Talk to him about it. You might be able to arrange to call him or one of the retired priests in your area when a time opens up for you, to see if you can arrange something at the last minute. It is not as if you wouldn’t gladly be “easier to deal with.” I have found that those who really need me to make a little extra effort on their behalf are the ones for whom I enjoy that extra mile the most. So don’t automatically assume you’re being a “bother”, either. Someone who is not willing to use all the legitimate excuses you have to avoid the sacraments is a testament to how important the sacraments are…and, therefore, how important the priesthood is!

 

[puzzleannie]

Also, just to make one thing clear about an apparent misunderstanding – my father isn’t at all abusive. He’s a very pious evangelical Christian, and I think it broke his heart when I decided to follow my mother’s family’s Catholic faith (because he believes that I’ll go to hell because of it, yada yada yada) and to remind him of our disparity of faith is like twisting the knife. !

well a father who refuses to allow his adult child, who is ill, to receive a visit from her pastor, you be the judge, I know the adjective I would use. However as you say if he has his own problems he may not be entirely responsible for his attitude, but do not understand why you could not simply ask him. If he is using his own instability to manipulate you in the spiritual realm it sounds like there is lot more going on in your home and that you are dealing with more than we can understand. I hope you get the help professional, pastoral and medical that you both need.