Mass etiquette regarding Sunday Mass collections aka donations

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DarwinCatholic

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Good morning,
I have a bit of an issue that I was wondering if you’re able to give some advice…
I currently attend Mass with an infant and toddler and always try my best to keep them well behaved and they mainly are.

Every week there’s an older volunteer who sits in front of us (her usual spot) and I believe she just does not like us / me and now it’s become very unfriendly. I sit in this particular place because of the extra space available for a pram and toddler.

During the readings / throughout Mass (not before) she’s usually walking around making sure things are properly prepared etc

She doesn’t participate during the sign of peace and every week when she comes around for the collections, I don’t put anything in and so she always gives me daggers. (*I don’t carry cash / coins on me, everything is electronic these days. I do other things for the Parish discreetly and I’d prefer to keep things this way)

Last week when I offered the sign of peace she reluctantly received it. This week when she shoved the collection bag in front of my face she rudely demanded “do you want to make a donation.” In the moment as she walked off after my decline, I had snapped at her and revealed that I make electronic donations (which I’m not too sure if she heard or not)

After Mass I confronted her and advised her that when going around for collections it’s rude to be asking for people to donate and that it shouldn’t be done. The celebrant and officiator already asks for donations and explains everything over the speakers. She mumbled something that was incoherent and walked off.

Upon leaving the cathedral I still wished her a good weekend to which she ignored me and just walked off.

Everyone in my Parish is very kind friendly and welcoming and I love them all. She’s close with the Bishop too. However this constant judgement / resentment / treatment from her has gotten to me this week and I just wanted some advice on how I can deal with this? If I should leave things as is or speak with the parish office or the Bishop about this incident of ‘pressuring’ patrons for donations.

I’ll still continue to be friendly towards her and I don’t believe in treating people this way.
 
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Some people do not like to wish the Sign of Peace. Many of them think it should not have been added to the Mass for various reasons, others just don’t want to have that kind of personal contact with people. If you look on this forum, you will see dozens of threads with people talking about how much they dislike the Sign of Peace and some of them saying they just refuse to participate in it. I suggest you not take it personally if someone doesn’t wish to make the sign of peace with you, and I also suggest that you not offer it to people who do not seem to want to participate. You can simply nod and smile if you feel you must do something.

Regarding donations, you are not under any obligation to either donate or to explain to this lady that you give electronically or whatever. If she asks if you want to donate, just say “no” and ignore her otherwise. I too almost always give electronically and I have no problem ignoring the basket when it is passed.

I am sorry this lady seems rude to you. She may have problems interacting with people in general, which could also explain some of her other behaviors (walking around during Mass, although there are ushers in some of my parishes who walk around during Mass taking care of various things). If everyone else in your parish is kind and welcoming, then you have dozens of other people to focus on and it should be easy to ignore one person who seems to be a little bit off.
 
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Is there a chance to speak to her before Mass, and chat with her, and perhaps explain about donating electronically, if she is open to talking to you? Explain that you like to sit in that place because there is room for the pram, etc.
You might be doing her a favor by making her into a friend and not an enemy! Maybe the pastor gives her something to do because she is a misfit.
 
If she’s not interested in making the Sign of Peace with you, then just accept that and offer it to others around you (nearest others as we are meant to do, even if it’s just a smile and nod of the head).

In my parish, people felt embarrassed about not putting anything in the collection basket when it came around and felt “people” were watching/judging them (because they contributed electronically or with time or talent). This was solved by the parish secretary printing small and laminated cards, about the size of a normal credit card, for people to place into the collection basket. These were left in a small box at the back of the church on a table for people to take two as they entered. This may be something that could be considered at your cathedral, as I’m sure you’re not the only one who is uncomfortable with not placing anything in the collection basket.

Continue to smile and say hello, and of course include her in your prayers.
 
Move to a different seating area in the church. Life is too short for that kind of chronic upset.
 
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DarwinCatholic said:
collections, I don’t put anything in and so she always gives me daggers. (*I don’t carry cash / coins on me, everything is electronic these days. I do other things for the Parish discreetly and I’d prefer to keep things this way)
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I would point out we are obligated by the precepts of the Church to support the material needs of the Church. For most of us, that should start at our parish. So while the lady’s behavior is very much uncalled for, I think you should rethink how you support your parish.

BTW I give you my parish through automatic bank debits, so I don’t typically put money in the basket either.
 
tafan2 said:
I would point out we are obligated by the precepts of the Church to support the material needs of the Church. For most of us, that should start at our parish. So while the lady’s behavior is very much uncalled for, I think you should rethink how you support your parish.

BTW I give you my parish through automatic bank debits, so I don’t typically put money in the basket either.
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The OP stated that she gives through electronic donations, so I’m not sure why she needs to rethink, as it appears you are doing pretty much the same.
 
I didn’t interpret that way. She said she does “other things”. Perhaps you are right. I don’t see that my comment should cause any problem if I wrong.
 
I agree with how to handle the sign of peace and suggest that you continue to sit where you do and perhaps pray for her. If she confronts you in an aggressive manner again, I think the best course of action would be to have a discreet conversation with the Priest. It’s sad that you are treated this way but sometimes people don’t have the capacity to govern themselves accordingly.

Sometimes we’re not certain what happens in others lives; she reminds me of an elderly parishioner in my church who lost several children in childbirth and constantly complains about the crying of children in Mass. I hope with time you two become friends.
 
I wish I could but that’s the only place where there’s enough room for my double pram and for my toddler and infant to sit and stand
 
I wish I could but that’s the only place where there’s enough room for my double pram and for my toddler and infant to sit and stand. Every other week I just put up with it. But I think I’ve angered her to the point where this week she’s shoved the collection bag right in front of my face and asked (demanded from her tone) if I wanted to make a donation
 
My parish prefers we use EFT (electronic funds transfer) because it make parish budgeting easier.

Although I haven’t seen anyone being so callous as the women you speak of, sometimes those giving electronically feel self conscious about letting the basket pass by without being seen putting something in it.

To avoid any issues, the parish has cards about the same size as envelopes that are discreetly marked “EFT Donor” that we can drop in the collection basket.
 
Compliment her appearance and tell her you prayed for her (and really do so). It’s apparent she has some issue/s and that for whatever reason something in you is a trigger, i.e. you could remind her of some someone, she may be convicted, the Lord is using you to may be the perfect intervention she needs so pray for her and you. Im not blaming you for anything. I will pray for you even right now and at mass.
 
I would ask to sit down privately with her, and ask her if she has some kind of issue with me, and if so, what that issue is. If she denied having an issue, I would briefly enumerate her behaviors and ask why she treats me that way. I would point out that I have done absolutely nothing to her, and ask what this is all about.

I once had a priest who treated me similarly. He was known by everyone to be rather crusty and cantankerous, but for some reason I seemed to be a particular target of his irritability. The only thing I could ever figure out, was that he saw me as an over-educated, traditionalist smart-butt — perhaps a “tall poppy” that needed trimming — and he wanted a parish full of simple, obedient people who didn’t ask questions. In all other parishes I ever attended, the priests treated me with respect, even the liberals who didn’t teach in accord with the magisterium — I can get along with pretty much anyone. Or maybe he just didn’t like the cut of my jib. He’s now retired.
 
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nearlycatholic said:
Compliment her appearance and tell her you prayed for her (and really do so).
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Yes. Pray for her. But, don’t pray that God “fix her” to meet your standards, but pray that God bestow blessings on her. God’s blessings, not our prayers to change someone’s attitude to our liking is what brings about change and conversion.
 
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Silly question - are you parking the pram right in the middle of the pews? Could you park it in the back of church, maybe?
 
So sorry this is happening.

This needs to be brought to the Pastor’s attention. Staff or volunteers who are abrasive and outright mean (demanding donations!) need to be corrected or replaced.
 
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