Masturbation: A desperate wife needs to know

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With all due respect, seriously, on a Catholic Forum full of a mixed bag of deeply religious, fairly religious, seekers, non-Catholics, and other folks, in this deeply sanitized and extremely clean Catholic environment, does the OP seriously expect an honest answer from a bunch of guys? What guy would admit to that on here! LOL :bigyikes:
 
christin said:
I apologize if this is a subject that has been addressed a zillion times. I see that there are two related threads, but mine is very specific and I’m desperate for some answers.

My question:
DO ALL MEN MASTURBATE REGULARLY?

I know that there are men who are addicted to porn and/or masturbation (my husband being one of them). I’ve been married for twenty years to a man who has preferred masturbation to me, two or three times a week, which meant that I was “allowed” sex once every other week. As a young bride, I thought that there was something abnormal about me because I wanted sex more often. When I realized what was going on after I had been made to go to bed alone, I was devastated. I spent the first ten years of my marriage begging my husband to want me. After a decade of feeling like the “other” woman (second to his fantasy partners), the pain was too great and for the next ten years, I lived in celibacy (he of course was not missing much because he had himself).

When I became intimate with him again a little over a year ago, the feelings of rejection resurfaced. Why wouldn’t they? Nothing had changed. In fact, within a couple of months, he started having ED, but only with me, not when alone. I think that was the straw that broke the camels back and I found solace in the numbness of opiates. Now, I’m in recovery and I’m once again struggling with the masturbation issue.

I know that masturbation is a sin (and I know that addiction diminishes culpability). What I don’t know is whether it’s a sin that for most men is as common as growing angry or impatient with someone. I have always had a sex drive that would rival any man’s drive. Yet, God has given me great graces over the years. Have those graces been extreme in their abundance and impossibly extreme for a man to receive? Because of the damage that masturbation has done to my heart, it’s been my thought that the majority of loving husbands fell into this sin a time or two a year. However, my sponsor assures me that ALL men masturbate fairly regularly and, as long as it doesn’t interfere with marital relations, a wife is merely acting jealously if she doesn’t accept it.

Are my expectations unreasonable? I have three sons (17, 19, 21). Have I misinformed them?

I appreciate your honesty in answering this question for me. I am greatly burdened by this.
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I’m a man and while I haven’t asked a few of my newer friends, everyone I have known most of my life practice masturbation for good psychological and prostate health!

However out of ALL of those men I have known, I know NO ONE… NO ONE that would choose masturbation over being with their spouse or GF (I have known some of these people for many years, pre marriage etc…).

In fact, since being married almost everyone that I have known for a long time would masturbate only when their wife has been resisting them due to work, gets etc… for longer than they could “take.”

Thus what your husband is doing seems definitely abnormal, as much so if not more from a secular standpoint than a religious.

I’m not arguing the morality of masturbation, I use to be protestant and even the Catholics I knew did as well. It wasn’t until I was becoming Catholic that I learned that was still a teaching in the Church.

Joe
 
christin said:
I apologize if this is a subject that has been addressed a zillion times. I see that there are two related threads, but mine is very specific and I’m desperate for some answers.

My question:
DO ALL MEN MASTURBATE REGULARLY?

I know that there are men who are addicted to porn and/or masturbation (my husband being one of them). I’ve been married for twenty years to a man who has preferred masturbation to me, two or three times a week, which meant that I was “allowed” sex once every other week. As a young bride, I thought that there was something abnormal about me because I wanted sex more often. When I realized what was going on after I had been made to go to bed alone, I was devastated. I spent the first ten years of my marriage begging my husband to want me. After a decade of feeling like the “other” woman (second to his fantasy partners), the pain was too great and for the next ten years, I lived in celibacy (he of course was not missing much because he had himself).

When I became intimate with him again a little over a year ago, the feelings of rejection resurfaced. Why wouldn’t they? Nothing had changed. In fact, within a couple of months, he started having ED, but only with me, not when alone. I think that was the straw that broke the camels back and I found solace in the numbness of opiates. Now, I’m in recovery and I’m once again struggling with the masturbation issue.

I know that masturbation is a sin (and I know that addiction diminishes culpability). What I don’t know is whether it’s a sin that for most men is as common as growing angry or impatient with someone. I have always had a sex drive that would rival any man’s drive. Yet, God has given me great graces over the years. Have those graces been extreme in their abundance and impossibly extreme for a man to receive? Because of the damage that masturbation has done to my heart, it’s been my thought that the majority of loving husbands fell into this sin a time or two a year. However, my sponsor assures me that ALL men masturbate fairly regularly and, as long as it doesn’t interfere with marital relations, a wife is merely acting jealously if she doesn’t accept it.

Are my expectations unreasonable? I have three sons (17, 19, 21). Have I misinformed them?

I appreciate your honesty in answering this question for me. I am greatly burdened by this.
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PLEASE !! DON"T let your sons believe that! And do not let them have un-monitored computers in their rooms
 
kenny09 said:
Masturbation per say may not be a sin, but if it is frequent, then yes, it is. Unfortunately we live in a world where person have too many distractions and too many expectations to live up to. It is no fault of yours or his. I am glad that your three sons have been taught well! As for his ED condition is concerned. As you sure it is impotence that he is facing? For an impotent person cannot have erection with or without women or masturbation. Either he is not impotent or he is on Viagra pills whose generic forms are easily available online, these days.
I pray to Almighty that he gets his sense back and lead his life peacefully and lovingly.
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For heavens sake how many times do catholics have to repeat the same thing over and over on this forum…Masturbation is objectively a mortal sin… this is not right…
 
I would look into the Catholic resources posted here first as you will not have to worry about parcing the ‘advice’ that is contrary to our Faith, from what is posted below, that said Dr. Doug Weiss’s approach is pretty helpful, just keep in mind he is protestant and thus some of the ideas he puts out are not fully compatible with Catholic Doctrine. (From what I have seen these instances are minor, and don’t negate the presentation and practical advice he offers in his DVD series). I recommend this psychologist and his movie series as it has helped couples that I work with in a crises pregnancy center - get a much better grasp of why sex outside of marriage has real negative consequences (he has a talent for driving the point home in a positive yet concrete way). I haven’t read any of his books, maybe others in this forum can speak to that - but his movie series would be well worth purchasing IF your husband would be willing to sit down and watch them with you. He covers in depth issues your husband has, their root causes, and ways to fix them. It may be worth the investment for you to find some solace - by having a professional psychologist who deals with hundreds of men & woman who struggle with issues similar to that of your husband, confirm that this is: a problem, is not normal, does REAL damage to you and your family, and can be fixed.

The VHS series that we use is not listed on the below website, however they may have changed the title for the DVD version to:

‘How to Love when it Hurts so Bad’
-or-
‘Winning @ Marriage’

winningatmarriage.com/Resource.html

Website for addiction:
addicted.com/addiction-professionals/doug-weiss

I’ll pray for you, your resolve and your perseverance. Keep up the good fight!
 
gurneyhalleck1 said:
Masturbation can become an intense habit for some men. And it is tempting to the single man, someone in their teens, etc. But to be married this long and prefer it this much to one’s wife, there is some psychological counseling needed. And I would be concerned. If he did it on some long trip away or in the military or something, though sinful, it would at least make some sense. But to prefer it to normal marital relations? I hope he can get some counseling. God bless the OP! Our prayers are with you indeed.
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I agree with the above.

Also, to the OP…please do not ever feel that this is your fault. HE has an issue. Whether you have gained weight or grown grey or whatever…that does not make him masturbate. He chooses to do so. He needs help. Keep praying.
 
This is my situation…when we were dating he was very attracted to me. The my husband’s father died and he fell apart. He went on antidepressants and then had no interest in me.

However, we did consumate our marriage on our honeymoon and had relations four times in a row…and then for the next two years we had marital relations only 27 times! He never “felt like it”. I conceived a baby on our honeymoon. He said that he was not attracted to me when I was pregnant or nursing. He always took 2 showers a day and always locked the door.

In year 3 (the year he wanted a divorce) we had marital relations 4 times and conceived our 3rd child.

Sex hurt for the first 4 years and he wouldn’t even consider a position change for the four years…it was always missionary. I have never even been able to “enjoy” sex.
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Now he tells me that Catholic sex is boring (he no longer practices Catholicism). I couldn’t call it boring because quite frankly I haven’t had enough of it. He would rather masturbate than touch me.

Anyone want to offer an opinion…

(FYI-I weigh 5 pounds more than the day we married. My stomach is horribly disfigured from childbirth.)

My marriage has been horrible from day 1, Retrouvaile did not work. I feel like I never got married…I feel like I have never had a husband.
 
Hopeflowering,

My heart aches for you. As I do not know you or your husband, I can’t give any real advice for your situation. I can say that my husband finally got on track when I told him that I couldn’t take it anymore. It was “get help or get out the door.” His sickness had destroyed any sense of self-worth that I had.

My husband has over two years “clean” in the SA program (Sexaholics Anonymous). We still have a good many issues to heal, but his sobriety from active sex addiction has given him a new commitment to our marriage and to me.

I will offer prayers for your situation and for you to have the wisdom to know what to do. If your husband won’t admit that he has a problem (if sex addiction is the root of his issue), there is nothing that you can do to fix him. That knowledge alone, although heart-wrenching, can be very freeing.
 
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