Masturbation in Marriage

[Prodigal_Son]

I still think you’re missing my point, and if I may so, the point of the selfless love for which we should strive in holy matrimony. “Feelings of inadequacy get in the way”? Feelings of inadequacy, sir, are the direct result of the husband’s actions and words. He’s accountable to other men but not to his sexual partner? Wrong. He’s accountable to his wife, and he needs to begin to honor her with deeds and words and to stop funneling his sexuality away from his wife.

I was trying to add a male perspective here. You have not experienced what men go through, and I have not experienced what women go through. I will fully acknowledge that it is presumptuous and wrong of me to make any judgments on how a woman should feel or act in this situation. I have done so, and I apologize.

But please realize that you don’t understand what a man goes through, and thus you don’t have a complete perspective on this issue. Only God does.

 

[Elizabeth502]

^^ I know well what men go through. I don’t have to be a man to understand that. Nor do men need to be women to understand what women go through, how the vast majority of women are not able to separate their sexuality from their feelings, and how incredibly hurtful it is when men disregard that in pursuit of a dual sexual life. The reason I know that is that I’ve known plenty of men who have in fact understood and do understand the female perspective and expectations.

The entire point of marriage is to get beyond the narrowly male and the narrowly female perspectives, to express unitive love and a sexuality that is wholly contained within that love. It is a long journey which requires continued, earnest effort at communication and interpretation of each other’s needs & expression & behavior. It doesn’t happen overnight (because of these different ways of communicating, knowing, experiencing, perceiving), but one thing you can take to the bank: Any married man, of whatever age, who believes he is doing anything but sabotaging that journey and sabotaging the font of marital grace by engaging in pornographic activity, is lying to himself and rationalizing his behavior by splitting his own habits and/or urges from his wife’s feelings.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Any married man, of whatever age, who believes he is doing anything but sabotaging that journey and sabotaging the font of marital grace by engaging in pornographic activity, is lying to himself and rationalizing his behavior by splitting his own habits and/or urges from his wife’s feelings.

I’ll agree there.

 

[wcknight]

What you might consider telling your DH is that even thinking about committing a sin may be judged as actually doing so, So he has lusteed in his heart and he has commited adultery in his heart.

God knows our every thought and IF we indulge our sinful fantasies in our heart then we are guilt of sins as if we did commit them.

No one can completely keep sinful thoughts out, but we should not entertain them and let them linger. His love and heart belongs to you alone, and he is being a bit unfaithful when he chooses to engage other women even if it is only in his fantasies.

IF he dreams about it that is different, no one can control their dreams BUT if he invites them and dwells on them on a conscious level then that is wrong.

 

[golfjack]

I believe the marriage bed is undefiled. Mutual masturbation is OK, as is oral sex if both partners consent. Foreplay is always allowed in a marriage. Sex is to be enjoyed, and this is why God invented sex.
Peace, Golfjack

 

[wcknight]

GJ you’re right up to a point. The operative word is mutual consent.

Fantisizing about commiting adultery is another story. Engage in too many sinful situations and you leave yourself vulnerable to real temptations.

Giving in to hundreds of small sins eventually leads to serious sin which of course leads to death. While it is true that not all small sins lead to larger ones. IF ignored and prolonged indefinitely we do have to pay for them if not in this life then in the next (not a protestant concept I know). PLUS they make us more susciptible to more serious temptations.

IF you lifetime fantasy is to cheat on your wife, then what do you think you will do, when the perfect situation arises and some hot babe throws herself at you. You may think you would never fall for that, but IF you have been conditioning yourself for such an event for years, it is unlikely you will have the will power to resist when the occasion for sin presents itself.

Unlike protestants, we promise to “avoid even the near occasion for sin” whenever we make a good confession. Indulging in sinful fantasies does just the opposite. We are all called to holiness, and just doing what feels good even in the privacy of our bedroom just does not cut it. To us sex is sacred and sacramental, and infidelity even in thought or desie is out of bounds even in the bedroom.

 

[Giana]

Thank God, I very rarely fall into this temptation, but what happens when there is no sex in a marriage due to husband’s impotence? (even though he takes remedies, eg: viagra). How wrong is it for the wife to masturbate when her hormones are all over the place and she badly needs this release?

 

[Giana]

Thank God, I very rarely fall into this temptation, but what happens when there is no sex in a marriage due to husband’s impotence (even though he takes remedies, eg: viagra)? How wrong is it for the wife to masturbate when her hormones are all over the place and she badly needs this release?

 

[RachelKH]

IF you lifetime fantasy is to cheat on your wife, then what do you think you will do, when the perfect situation arises and some hot babe throws herself at you. You may think you would never fall for that, but IF you have been conditioning yourself for such an event for years, it is unlikely you will have the will power to resist when the occasion for sin presents itself.

This is my daily fear!!! My husband has been lusting after and fantasizing about other women for all of our 23 years of marriage and I just feel so insecure in our marriage. I’m getting older – 45-- and can never compete with his fantasy women. (I am not overweight, exercise and wash daily, dress modestly yet pleasingly, yet feel bad/unattractive because he admits he compares me unfavorably to his fantasy/movie/teen women he lusts after.) He actually would rather indulge in fantasy than have sex – too messy and ‘close’ in reality. Fantasies never ask you to please them too, or especially take out the garbage or fix a leak. Masturbation, and porn too, lead one to be so selfinvolved that they want/need no one else and so feel less towards anyone…

 

[Liraco]

(I… feel bad/unattractive because he admits he compares me unfavorably to his fantasy/movie/teen women he lusts after.) He actually would rather indulge in fantasy than have sex – too messy and ‘close’ in reality. Fantasies never ask you to please them too, or especially take out the garbage or fix a leak. Masturbation, and porn too, lead one to be so selfinvolved that they want/need no one else and so feel less towards anyone…

Indeed, fantasies never ask because they’re just puppets of the mind. The worst part is that he thinks he’s the puppet master when he’s the one up to his neck in chains and doesn’t see it. I’ll pray for your husband. I would imagine that he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing to you by his actions and how he’s lying to himself. You can’t live in those “dreams”, nightmares if he really saw them for what they were.

Don’t feel bad about yourself, it’s his problem of comparing and being selfish. Do pray for him as I will for both of you. May he soon get some sense knocked into him to realize what he’s doing to you and to himself.

@Giana. Do you mean that your husband’s treatment isn’t helping with his problem? I can’t tell you what to do but let me offer this food-for-thought:
*WE *control our bodies, not the other way around. If we let it dictate everything we think we need then we become slaves to the flesh.

The gift of sex is meant for two, not one. It’s self-giving and not selfish receiving. If it’s really that bad though, you can pray for strength to fight off any temptation. My prayers are also with you.

 

[TLM08]

My husband and were received into the Church this year. Before RCIA last year we committed to starting NFP. It was a tough year with periods of abstinence and all. Recently my husband told me he’s been masturbating regularly during those times, lying to me about it (he told me all this year he rarely gave in to this temptation), and fantasizing about anyone but me.

What to do in this situation? He’s insisting its a private matter, that he confesses it to our priest when he does it, and I shouldn’t be so upset. Is this really a matter between him and God? The reason I ask is that in our former Protestant circles I would have been told this is not such a big sin, a natural response to desire, etc.

Most non-catholic christians *do not *think masturbation is perfectly okay. But the fact is that most young men married or not, do this from time to time. He is right, it is a private matter between him and God. If we all would take a moment and look in the mirror, we find that we are all guilty of sexual immorality in thought and deed at least on some level.

However, if his masturbating becomes a substitute for relations with you, or he is developing a pornography habit or worse yet an addiction then it becomes very much your concern as well.

Sometimes is helps to step back and look at things in perspective. If you have a good husband who loves you, it is a tremendous blessing. Many people go their entire lives without finding love. With almost unlimited sexual opportunities and excitement this world presents, he has chosen to give his life to you.

We really need to keep the lines of communication open and give each other a break when it comes to these weaknesses inherent in us all.

 

[TLM08]

IF you lifetime fantasy is to cheat on your wife, then what do you think you will do, when the perfect situation arises and some hot babe throws herself at you. You may think you would never fall for that, but IF you have been conditioning yourself for such an event for years, it is unlikely you will have the will power to resist when the occasion for sin presents itself.

This is my daily fear!!! My husband has been lusting after and fantasizing about other women for all of our 23 years of marriage and I just feel so insecure in our marriage. I’m getting older – 45-- and can never compete with his fantasy women. (I am not overweight, exercise and wash daily, dress modestly yet pleasingly, yet feel bad/unattractive because he admits he compares me unfavorably to his fantasy/movie/teen women he lusts after.) He actually would rather indulge in fantasy than have sex – too messy and ‘close’ in reality. Fantasies never ask you to please them too, or especially take out the garbage or fix a leak. Masturbation, and porn too, lead one to be so selfinvolved that they want/need no one else and so feel less towards anyone…

I think most men (and women) are guilty of this on some level but will never admit it to their spouse. If he tells you that he compares you to fantasy teen models, this is a sign of some serious emotional immaturity. It’s also emotionally abusive to you and downright cruel.

It sounds like your husband really need to sit down and just talk openly and honestly without condemnation. If he is heavily engaged in pornography and ignoring you in the bedroom, then he probably has some issues that need to be resolved.

You also need to start standing up for yourself. Since you are a woman who has taken decent care of herself, he should consider himself blessed. There are a million middle aged men out there who would really appreciate you for that.

 

[kage_ar]

Thank God, I very rarely fall into this temptation, but what happens when there is no sex in a marriage due to husband’s impotence (even though he takes remedies, eg: viagra)? How wrong is it for the wife to masturbate when her hormones are all over the place and she badly needs this release?

Some women carry this cross, the cross of a husband’s impotency. Offer your sufferings up to God, pray, and seek Confession when you sin (and yes, masturbation is a sin for married women).

 

[Elizabeth502]

I think most men (and women) are guilty of this on some level but will never admit it to their spouse. If he tells you that he compares you to fantasy teen models, this is a sign of some serious emotional immaturity. It’s also emotionally abusive to you and downright cruel.

It sounds like your husband really need to sit down and just talk openly and honestly without condemnation. If he is heavily engaged in pornography and ignoring you in the bedroom, then he probably has some issues that need to be resolved.

You also need to start standing up for yourself. Since you are a woman who has taken decent care of herself, he should consider himself blessed. There are a million middle aged men out there who would really appreciate you for that.

In 100% agreement with this entire post. In addition, though, the open talk may be fortified by marriage counseling, for two reasons: It will further his maturity, and it will allow her to air her feelings in front of a third (neutral) person. Thirdly, perhaps it will help to decrease his private activity to have to discuss it in front of another person outside his marriage. JMO

 

[Little_Katie]

Some women carry this cross, the cross of a husband’s impotency. Offer your sufferings up to God, pray, and seek Confession when you sin (and yes, masturbation is a sin for married women).

I dunno… would foreplay w/ your husband be considered sinful if it doesn’t lead anywhere?

I honestly never thought of that scenerio before.

I would think masterbating is frowned on, but if you are still involving your husband and not using birth control I don’t know if foreplay if doesn’t necessarilly go far enough to end intercourse propperly because of impotency is wrong?

 

[kage_ar]

I dunno… would foreplay w/ your husband be considered sinful if it doesn’t lead anywhere?

I honestly never thought of that scenerio before.

I would think masterbating is frowned on, but if you are still involving your husband and not using birth control I don’t know if foreplay if doesn’t necessarilly go far enough to end intercourse propperly because of impotency is wrong?

This one has about a million threads if you want to search for them all…

Short answer, married couples have foreplay as part of sex, they must intend to complete the act with husband having orgasm inside the wife’s vagina. If something happens to interrupt that - (kid cries, dog throws up, company rings the door bell, he gets a horrible leg cramp… insert the interruption of your choice) - that would not be the fault of the couple. To intend to have foreplay including orgasm without intercourse is masturbation.

Masturbation is more than frowned upon, it is always a sin. The degree of sin is something to discuss with your confessor.

scborromeo.org/ccc/para/2352.htm

**2352 **By *masturbation *is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. “Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of “the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved.”

To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.

 

[Little_Katie]

Thanks- that answered my question.

 

[golfjack]

Where does it say thou shall not masturbate? Come on, use some common sense and not be so legalistic about sex.
Peace, Golfjack

 

[kage_ar]

Where does it say thou shall not masturbate?

Ask Onan, no - wait, you can’t because God struck him dead for masturbating.

 

[Little_Katie]

Ask Onan, no - wait, you can’t because God struck him dead for masturbating.

lmao… wow that was great.