P
PbloPicasso
Guest
This won’t be easy to discuss. Some of you will be angry that I’ve brought this ugly mess up. Others’ will overly empathize with me and tell me how sorry your are this has happened to me. Others will judge in their silence that somehow I had something to do with this. I’ve felt the guilt of it all. I even wanted to die, but God won’t let me. Most of my life pivots on this history and has been an impediment for many reason I may or may not discuss later on in this thread. But for now, here is the brief discussion:
I bottled up a serious sin my brother committed against my sister and me that occurred 36 years ago. After many years [obvious] of trying to reach out to my own family in charity, and receiving brutal self-esteem blow after blow, I finally cracked just a couple of days ago. My brother died 15 years ago and his children have grown up with a huge lie, that is beginning to adversely effect their choices in life. One beat and put a man in the hospital over something dumb. I hesitate to give details because his name is all over the internet right now. Anyway, when I confronted him over it I received a lengthy chewing out from his other sibling unjustly. My confrontation was done in charity, but I saw the same anger their father exhibited in the serious sinful life that he led as a teenager, which carried into his adulthood. Cheating, child abuse, etc. He seems to have been a seriously tormented teenager, sociopath or borderline personality disorder. He hate my sister and me and, a long story short, he hurt us deeply. I’ve never really gotten into what he did because for years I did not consider myself a victim, but rather an accomplish, even though I did not condone what he did while forcing me/manipulating me to watch and say nothing. I was deeply ashamed and blamed myself for what happened and tried in a twisted way to help fix it. It wasn’t until about a year and a half that I realized the severity of my attempts to fix it were wrong and I made every effort to fix it right. It seems to have worked.
But I finally told my brother’s children what happened, to show them that they are not perfect and their cutting me off was to their detriment. It was a desperate attempt to release me from the burden of such a sick memory that tainted my views. You see, I believe I had been molested as a child by a memory. I blamed myself for it, even though I was only 4 or 5 years old. I told my sister, since I felt like I had betrayed her. She does not remember the acts, but told me that she never liked him and thought he was mean too. That just confirmed that unconsciously she knew something wasn’t right. Longer story made short again, she got pregnant at 16 years old, dropped out of high school and never completed college later on. She always had a distorted view of herself and was very anxious in front of men but didn’t know why. I told her young husband back then that if he ever hurt her I’d tear him apart limb from limb. Well, I found out later that my stepmother, her mother, went to him with a shotgun and did something similar. They’re Protestant and I was marginally Catholic at this time after a tormenting experience as a seminarian. My sister is still together with her husband after 25 years of marriage. They have had their struggles but have seemed to make amends.
I feel like a burden of betrayal on my part has finally been lifted. However, it was at the expense of losing my brother’s children and my other brother. They already were estranged from me and I felt that since that relationship was never going to mend I might as well get ready to fix my relationship with my sister. I did this also to take in account that I’m making baby steps towards filing legal action against the diocese that hid a priest that ruined my life by making sexual advances on me. There may be questions as to my sexual abuse history. Had the diocese made a sincere apology topped with providing me treatment in counseling I wouldn’t be doing the route of legal action. But I’m determined that they need to learn their lesson and the bishops need to stop playing this game they can’t seem to let go of even after all the legal cases. It’s deeply deceptive and sinful to allow this to continue, even if it is to protect reputation and property. Wrong is wrong. The priest already admitted to the offense and is now a tenured professor at a prestigious university in a serious discipline. He gained success from the diocese he served and my life was ruined over their actions and inaction.
Since I’m also discerning a vocation I have already been told that I need to get hold of this situation first. The people at the diocese seem more concerned about this than whether or not I feel called. They seem to believe I have a calling but want me to work through the abuse situation. So, the only way I know how to deal with it and afford it at the same time is to finally do what I was manipulated out of doing 32 years ago. This will also bring great embarrassment on the laicized priest and now wife. It may cause him problems, but since the act was not considered illegal, he may get off at his work. I’ve already initiated discussion with his employer anonymously in order to deal with the consequences. It seems that he won’t be punished. So, he gets away again. I’m not trying to “get even”, but rather face my demon that has held me back all these years. I believe I was intentionally given the wrong answer in dealing with this so that the diocese would do what they did to me, bury me, sweep me under the carpet to avoid the scandal. I was suicidal after all of this and ended up dropping out of the seminary as a result, fearful I’d lose my virginity to a man, a man consecrated to God? It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to die.
I bottled up a serious sin my brother committed against my sister and me that occurred 36 years ago. After many years [obvious] of trying to reach out to my own family in charity, and receiving brutal self-esteem blow after blow, I finally cracked just a couple of days ago. My brother died 15 years ago and his children have grown up with a huge lie, that is beginning to adversely effect their choices in life. One beat and put a man in the hospital over something dumb. I hesitate to give details because his name is all over the internet right now. Anyway, when I confronted him over it I received a lengthy chewing out from his other sibling unjustly. My confrontation was done in charity, but I saw the same anger their father exhibited in the serious sinful life that he led as a teenager, which carried into his adulthood. Cheating, child abuse, etc. He seems to have been a seriously tormented teenager, sociopath or borderline personality disorder. He hate my sister and me and, a long story short, he hurt us deeply. I’ve never really gotten into what he did because for years I did not consider myself a victim, but rather an accomplish, even though I did not condone what he did while forcing me/manipulating me to watch and say nothing. I was deeply ashamed and blamed myself for what happened and tried in a twisted way to help fix it. It wasn’t until about a year and a half that I realized the severity of my attempts to fix it were wrong and I made every effort to fix it right. It seems to have worked.
But I finally told my brother’s children what happened, to show them that they are not perfect and their cutting me off was to their detriment. It was a desperate attempt to release me from the burden of such a sick memory that tainted my views. You see, I believe I had been molested as a child by a memory. I blamed myself for it, even though I was only 4 or 5 years old. I told my sister, since I felt like I had betrayed her. She does not remember the acts, but told me that she never liked him and thought he was mean too. That just confirmed that unconsciously she knew something wasn’t right. Longer story made short again, she got pregnant at 16 years old, dropped out of high school and never completed college later on. She always had a distorted view of herself and was very anxious in front of men but didn’t know why. I told her young husband back then that if he ever hurt her I’d tear him apart limb from limb. Well, I found out later that my stepmother, her mother, went to him with a shotgun and did something similar. They’re Protestant and I was marginally Catholic at this time after a tormenting experience as a seminarian. My sister is still together with her husband after 25 years of marriage. They have had their struggles but have seemed to make amends.
I feel like a burden of betrayal on my part has finally been lifted. However, it was at the expense of losing my brother’s children and my other brother. They already were estranged from me and I felt that since that relationship was never going to mend I might as well get ready to fix my relationship with my sister. I did this also to take in account that I’m making baby steps towards filing legal action against the diocese that hid a priest that ruined my life by making sexual advances on me. There may be questions as to my sexual abuse history. Had the diocese made a sincere apology topped with providing me treatment in counseling I wouldn’t be doing the route of legal action. But I’m determined that they need to learn their lesson and the bishops need to stop playing this game they can’t seem to let go of even after all the legal cases. It’s deeply deceptive and sinful to allow this to continue, even if it is to protect reputation and property. Wrong is wrong. The priest already admitted to the offense and is now a tenured professor at a prestigious university in a serious discipline. He gained success from the diocese he served and my life was ruined over their actions and inaction.
Since I’m also discerning a vocation I have already been told that I need to get hold of this situation first. The people at the diocese seem more concerned about this than whether or not I feel called. They seem to believe I have a calling but want me to work through the abuse situation. So, the only way I know how to deal with it and afford it at the same time is to finally do what I was manipulated out of doing 32 years ago. This will also bring great embarrassment on the laicized priest and now wife. It may cause him problems, but since the act was not considered illegal, he may get off at his work. I’ve already initiated discussion with his employer anonymously in order to deal with the consequences. It seems that he won’t be punished. So, he gets away again. I’m not trying to “get even”, but rather face my demon that has held me back all these years. I believe I was intentionally given the wrong answer in dealing with this so that the diocese would do what they did to me, bury me, sweep me under the carpet to avoid the scandal. I was suicidal after all of this and ended up dropping out of the seminary as a result, fearful I’d lose my virginity to a man, a man consecrated to God? It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to die.