Maybe a weird question, but preparing to take care of elderly parents?

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Ok, maybe it’s a little strange to be asking this so early, but I was recently reading stories about people taking care of their elderly parents, and it got me thinking.

I’m an only child, and currently living with my parents. (I have health problems of my own.) They’re in their mid-60’s, and have quite a few health problems already.

Well, I know that at some point in the future their health will really start to decline. (There’s a pretty bad history of dementia on my dad’s side.) And I know that someday I’ll be taking care of them.

So, is there anything I should be thinking about at this point? Preparations? Things we should talk about? (All we’ve done at this point is their wills, and health care proxy/power of attorney stuff.)

For those of you who are currently taking care of your parents, what do you wish you had known/done ahead of time?

Anybody?
 
Besides what you’ve already done 👍, I would discuss with them all the possible options you might have to look at.

For instance, with your health problems, are you going to be able to realistically bathe/shower them, lift them in and out of bed, wash bed clothing that can be saturated constantly (Talking about prolapsed uteruses here that simply push on the bladder and cannot be operated on because of the risks of surgery on their health), not being able to leave them on their own if they suffer from dementia for all the associated fears that can come with this, osteoporosis where you have to guide them everywhere in case of a fall - it’s not fun for them to break a hip so easily, the ability to take them for countless medical trips that need to be done (including waiting all night at the ER) and many other things that may “just” happen. Not to mention the pure emotional drain that comes from trying to deal with their emotional and physical frustration of having to be so dependant.

This has been our experience. It may not be yours (I pray that your parents will live out their lives far more peacefully). If this may at all seem like a possibility, you may be able to get outside help - nurses that will do a lot of the heavy duty work a few times a week, mealsonwheels, voluntary help etc. I wished my dad had bought a retirement unit for them both before he died so that mum wouldn’t have had to be shuffled around our family so much. She would have got all the help and support she needed there, but with her onset of dementia, she refuses to let go of her home - and we could never break her heart by doing so. In hindsight, it would have been great if dad hadn’t passed away so quickly with cancer and these things might have had more time to be discussed.

So whilst they still are mentally capable, I would discuss with them what all your possible options would be if different scenarios were likely to develop. It would be far more easily planned ahead with hopefully everyone on the same page. In your case, this seems to not be that difficult to do since your the only child. Will pray for your health and that of your parents and that the pathway you choose, will be a smooth one.
 
It’s going to be hard. Be prepared for a life of sacrifice. It is a vocation. Hopefully, at the end you will provide a good death. Get your priest involved and have him anoint them and give them the sacrament of the sick. Include yourself in this. It will give you strength.

Caring for the elderly is not like having a baby with all the hopes and joys. They do become your babies but in reverse. It’s almost as if they revert to the womb. Be sure you have a strong stomach.

I have cared for my elders for over 10 years. My mother is nearly 99 and she currently has a upper respiratory tract infection. I really thought she was going to die last night.

She is diabetic and gets so many urinary infections I’ve lost count.

Thank God that we are in the UK and our health service is free. I can get hold of a doctor anytime 24/7. I explained her symptoms and he presrcibed antibiotics over the phone. He trusted me to know what I was talking about. If it had been something strange, something I’d never seen before, a doctor would have come out to see her, all free of charge. The monies are taken from our paychecks. It’s called National Insurance. Everyone who is earning pays. It’s just a fact of life. But, if anything happens to you, you don’t have to worry where the doctors fees are coming from.

All I would advise is this: Be guided by love. Be very vigilent and don’t take no for an answer. Get a good understanding doctor and take any help offered to you. You may not agree with nor be satisfied with the help provided but, internationally, it is thin on the ground. Social Services can find no one to come and wash and move my mother at weekends. It’s crazy but true.

The most important thing is to look after yourself. You can’t do this work if you are sick or tired. Get rest and take any help available.

I;m sorry to go on and on but this was good theraputic stuff for me.

God bless you always and let me know what you decide and if I can help in any way.
 
The whole thing makes me very nervous. I’ve tried, several times, to bring up the subject, but they usually don’t want to talk about it.

I’m most nervous, because my mother just keeps saying over and over “I never want to go to a nursing home”. I can totally understand this, but I’m just not sure what I could do if we reached a point where I was unable to take care of her, and I couldn’t find enough in-home help, you know?

On the other hand, my dad seems to have complete faith in me, and just says “I’m sure you’ll manage”…which isn’t very helpful either. :rolleyes:

I’m worried because Vermont doesn’t have a lot of services for the elderly, and the house we’re in at the moment is very “elderly-unfriendly”. We’ve chatted about moving sometimes, and I think they should take these things into consideration…sooner rather than later!

We all have an excellent doctor right now, but I suspect that he will be retired by the time my parents start becoming incapacitated. (He’s about the same age as my parents, lol.) I have severe doubts about finding another doctor who’s that good.

🤷

Any ideas on a good way to bring these topics up? Or what to say when they refuse to talk about it? I want to make sure I’m following their wishes…but I’m gonna have a hard time doing that if they won’t tell me what their wishes are!!!
 
TraderTif said:
Any ideas on a good way to bring these topics up? Or what to say when they refuse to talk about it? I want to make sure I’m following their wishes…but I’m gonna have a hard time doing that if they won’t tell me what their wishes are!!!
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I’m not sure there is a way other than being direct. I don’t think any of us wants to talk about what will happen when we die or how we want to be cared for if we can’t take care of ourselves, but it’s simply part of life.

You might want to talk with your parents about long-term care insurance. Whether they end up in a nursing home or living at home, there may be times when they need care. My mother broke her ankle and ended up having a caregiver at home while she recovered. The long-term care insurance paid for the time she had the caregiver. (It all gets complicated. It’s based on being able to accomplish certain daily activities like dressing, bathing, and preparing meals, and they pay if you can’t do them on your own.) The insurance is expensive, but a stay in a nursing home is even more so.

You should also talk about what happens if you are unable to provide the care they need. My mother also said repeatedly that she never wanted to go to a nursing home and never wanted to move from her home. But she also understood that there were limits where it might be necessary. I work and taking some vacation time to help her was one thing, but I couldn’t quit my job to care for her full time.

These are hard conversations to have and hard decisions to have to make.
 
TraderTif said:
Ok, maybe it’s a little strange to be asking this so early, but I was recently reading stories about people taking care of their elderly parents, and it got me thinking.
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TraderTif it isnt at all strange - I’d think it was stranger if you weren’t thinking about the future care needs of your parents, especially as they, and you, have some health problems already.

Also think we onlies become aware of this sooner because there is only one of us and the primary responsibility for their care falls on us whether we provide the care or not.

(A diversion - but relevant. It took me some time to realise that comments I got from some people about how wonderfully my cousins cared for their parents, were always at their place, took them out etc and by implication Dad didn’t get such attention forgot one very important fact there were four of them along with spouses, children and grandchildren to do the caring.)

My mother developed a form of dementia and went into care after Dad could no longer cope. Dad found this very difficult to do and only came to terms after his Minister told him otherwise there would be two patients. (The same thing happened with an uncle who faced the same situation.) Dad stayed pretty independent until just before 90, decided he needed to go into a rest home and actually drove himself there. He had eighteen great months there.

One of the difficulties of talking about caring for our elderly parents/relatives is that everyone is different and that the personalities and needs of EVERYONE involved have to be balanced. Beware of following the advice of anyone who says you and your parents “should” or “must”. Often our advice to other people is slanted to what we would do/hope we could do than the needs of the other person.

Some of us have to face the fact that personally caring for our sick elderly parents, especially full-time, is not in their or our best interests. Dad and I loved each other but being together all the time would not have worked. I know I could not have coped with Mum’s constant anxiety, need for reassurance and for me to be there all the time.

Agree you and your parents need to talk - at a rate all of you can cope with. I know it isn’t easy but it is preferable to having to make decisions in the middle of health crisis - involving one or more of your parents and/or you.
 
It’s a conversation you will just have to have. I am right where you are, and trying not to panic. My parents are really resisting moving, partly because their house will have to be shovelled out. . .

I would really like to see them move to one of those transitional places, where a retirement center, assisted living, and a nursing home are all on the same campus. That way they can be together even though my mother’s health is failing much quicker than my dad’s, and we can visit both in one swoop.

I am thinking I will ask them to consider moving nearer to me. Not easy, but then I can at least be responsible for them instead of trying to help from a great distance.
 
It’s not something anyone wants to discuss, but it does need to be done.
Make sure you know where all of their important papers are: insurance policies, wills, things like that.

Have a list of all meds. they take and what they need them for, very helpful if you have to take them to the E.R.!

Talk about what they want…if they feel strongly that they don’t ever want to go to a nursing home, like my dad, look into home health care insurance.

Have a basic understanding of their financial situation- incase you need to take over writing checks.

Be kind when you bring up these topics, they don’t want to feel like you are pushing them onto the next life:) But it is a concern. I’m 33, my dad is 86. My mother passed almost 3 years ago. We had things in pretty good order, but still had some problems with the cancer care insurance company:mad: But we knew what she wanted done and were able to respect her wishes.
My dad worries about things that sometimes seem silly. He called the one day to let me know how he likes his toenails cut, just incase some day he can’t do it himself and was unable to tell us at that time:D Called another time to let me know that he doesn’t like his sheets tucked tightly against his feet. He made my sister type all of this up and put it with his home health care insurance papers so if we ever need to tell the nurses, we will have it all down on paper.
Raising kids is tough, raising parents is harder!
 
Get professional family counseling and legal counseling. This is a professional matter.
 
Saintlucy said:
Thank God that we are in the UK and our health service is free. I can get hold of a doctor anytime 24/7. I explained her symptoms and he presrcibed antibiotics over the phone. He trusted me to know what I was talking about. If it had been something strange, something I’d never seen before, a doctor would have come out to see her, all free of charge. The monies are taken from our paychecks. It’s called National Insurance. Everyone who is earning pays. It’s just a fact of life. But, if anything happens to you, you don’t have to worry where the doctors fees are coming from.
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Health service is only free to those who are not earning then, since everyone who is pays, which makes me wonder if there are any living arrangements for the elderly there? In the US we have various assisted living (anywhere from small apartments/over 55 communities where the elderly are for the most part fine and just want to be in a community to complete care for those who can not take care of themselves) Prices range from very expensive, to subsidized for those who have very little income.
Just wondering if you guys have that there.
 
Sorry I wasn’t clear. The health service is free to ALL UK residents at the point of delivery. Foreign nationals who are on vacation here pay, I think.

Care is means tested. If you have the capital then you pay for care. My mother has no capital. We pay nothing for care in the home but when she went into a nursing home to give me a rest, the home took £91.00 a week from her retirement pension. So it’s better to be poor!
 
Saintlucy said:
Sorry I wasn’t clear. The health service is free to ALL UK residents at the point of delivery. Foreign nationals who are on vacation here pay, I think.

Care is means tested. If you have the capital then you pay for care. My mother has no capital. We pay nothing for care in the home but when she went into a nursing home to give me a rest, the home took £91.00 a week from her retirement pension. So it’s better to be poor!
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Thanks for the info. We across the pond are very interested in how national health coverage works. It plays into this topic so much, as the elderly live usually on social security, and any pensions they or their spouse have or any savings. That is a big problem in taking care of elderly parents here, if they have a small amount of savings that money would be taken to be placed into subsidized assisted living. If they planned ahead and saved a lot they probably have money for the non-subsidized placements, especially if they have money from selling their biggest asset, their home.
In taking care of the elderly, medicare pays a lot of health expenses (though my mother continues to pay out of pocket for additonaly insurance “just in case”) but the larger expense of where to live and who will take care of the person on a daily basis is where things get tricky.
 
Saintlucy said:
Sorry I wasn’t clear. The health service is free to ALL UK residents at the point of delivery. Foreign nationals who are on vacation here pay, I think.

Care is means tested. If you have the capital then you pay for care. My mother has no capital. We pay nothing for care in the home but when she went into a nursing home to give me a rest, the home took £91.00 a week from her retirement pension. So it’s better to be poor!
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In the U.S, if you go into a nursing home and do not have insurance to cover. It cost approx. $6000 a month and they will get a judgement to collect the money from the sale of their home if they have one. From what I learned so far, they can’t make you sell the home but if its ever sold, you must pay before or at the time of the sale.

I’ve been helping my mother for 9 years, she is 89 and refuses to let go, so helping her get the bill paid is a nightmare. She is very confused but refuses to accept and let others do for her. She lives next door to me but I could never bring her into my home because she is would drive everyone crazy. She complains about everthing we do, her doctors do. No one can do thing well enough to suit her. I am the only child that will even try to deal with her… She has been a hateful person her entire life. But I feel she has to have someone.

For now she has her little routine and does ok at home. We check on her several times a day and do most of the cleaning,etc for her. I do her shopping, but she is very mad I don’t take her with me. I don’t because she will spend 4 hrs in Walmart to spend $50 and wants to go every week.

I don’t know if my sanity is going to last much longer. She want to go somewhere all the time, shopping mainly and she can’t afford any extras. I take her to Dr. about ever week for one thing or another. They speak to me most of the time as they realize she is not doing well mentally. This makes her angry and she is nasty to me a lot at the doctors office.

I think its time for the nursing home as I have become very depressed and have health issues I am ignoring due to constantly dealing with her. I just hate to put her in a home as she does not want to go. She saids she hates living here everyday. She moved here from another city 9 years ago because she needed help with many things. I have to tell myself shes a little crazy to be able to treat her nicely. Other siblings won’t even call her because she can be so mean and has been this way all her life.

I think I must put her in a home, but I know I will feel bad about it.
Just to drive her to the dr., I have to pray under my breath or I would lose it completely. Please pray for me, I’m also helping youngest son raise 2 babies, the mother abandoned.

Prayer is all that kepts me going. I am a very sad person but God did bless me with a wonderful husband, he has his little faults like all of us but any spouse that could deal with this is a saint.
 
This may seem like a petty thing, but make sure you have your name on any account they have. If you don’t it will take FOREVER to get money out if needed. Also, if you see that you would possibly put them in a nursing home and you would like to be able to keep their house, money, etc. Make sure to get it in your name ONLY ASAP. The nursing home will check back 5 years (and this could increase) and if they see that the patients had ANYTHING, it will be gone. You can still use their money to pay the nursing home, but this way you don’t have to give up being able to keep some of what they may have. This is the ONLY way to prevent you losing their home to the nursing home or losing their money to them.

Also, it might be a good idea (even though this sounds terribly morbid) to go ahead and have them plan and pay for their funeral. My grandparents have done this. They already have plots, a headstone, casket picked out and everything. And it’s all paid up so I don’t have t worry with it. They wanted to lessen the burden.

Bottom line, make sure you talk to an attorney before you do anything. DH is an attorney and he deals with this all the time. Plus I’m dealing with it right now with my grandparents (I’m an only child and my mother died a few years ago so I have to deal with their legal stuff.)
 
Thank God for all the help I have. I don’t know if you’ve read my posts but I’m in the UK. Because Mum has little, we don’t pay for anything. I am her caregiver and she can’t be left. I won’t go into details about care but it is wonderful. No help at night but, at least Mum is in bed and is safe, if very confused and distraught at times.

I will tell you this though. I think she is coming to the end of her life and I am quietly going mad. I am the youngest and we have always been very close. My brother, who lives about 5 miles away cannot deal with the situation.

Mum is nearly 99 and has a swollen eye which is worsening. This began about 10 years ago along with panic attacks It has always been explained as a result of thyroid disease. She has an underactive thyroid and the swelling is only on one side. The doctors now think it could be a tumour and we’re waiting for an urgent CT appointment. I have insisted that something is done because I know that her personality changes over the last 10 years or so are not normal. She can be telling me she hates me one minute and the next that she loves me more than anyone.I also need to know what I am really dealing with and, if it is nasty, she will need palliative care until the end. I, personally think that the end is in sight and I’m dreading it. She is also losing weight very fast.
 
My mother just called me and I found her trying to climb out of bed. It is a hospital bed and has cot sides. Now I realise that she is not safe. She is crying and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t understand where she gets the strength from. She will not accept that she cannot walk and is convinced that I’m tying her to the bed.

Please pray
 
TraderTif said:
Ok, maybe it’s a little strange to be asking this so early, but I was recently reading stories about people taking care of their elderly parents, and it got me thinking.

I’m an only child, and currently living with my parents. (I have health problems of my own.) They’re in their mid-60’s, and have quite a few health problems already.

Well, I know that at some point in the future their health will really start to decline. (There’s a pretty bad history of dementia on my dad’s side.) And I know that someday I’ll be taking care of them.

So, is there anything I should be thinking about at this point? Preparations? Things we should talk about? (All we’ve done at this point is their wills, and health care proxy/power of attorney stuff.)

For those of you who are currently taking care of your parents, what do you wish you had known/done ahead of time?

Anybody?
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I am also anticipating the decline of my parents’ health, and here’s what’s on my to-do list:

Fix up the bathtub so that it’s easy to get in and out of - hand-rails on the getting-in side, a seat, and a hand-rail on the wall, as well, so that they can get in and out of it easily. A removeable shower head that they can take off the wall, to rinse themselves and wash their hair while sitting down, without having to ask for help.

If you haven’t already, make sure there are living quarters on the main floor - move all of the major appliances from the basement into the kitchen, and have at least one bedroom and handicapped-accessible bathroom on the main floor, so that when they can’t do stairs anymore, they will still be able to live at home. (So that you won’t have to sell the house before they die.)

Also make sure they have access to whatever they need, to do their hobbies. Keeping them busy with their hobbies will postpone the dementia and keep them interested in staying healthy for as long as possible. (I hope!)

The other thing I want is to get them one of those phones that hangs around their neck like jewelry, so that if they fall or something, they can call for help right away. My Dad, especially, because he is prone to falling.
 
Saintlucy said:
My mother just called me and I found her trying to climb out of bed. It is a hospital bed and has cot sides. Now I realise that she is not safe. She is crying and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t understand where she gets the strength from. She will not accept that she cannot walk and is convinced that I’m tying her to the bed.

Please pray
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Quoting myself, there.

Was awoken in the night by Mum who said she was cold. She had somehow pulled very heavy covers off. Very self pitying (if there is such a word) and quite abusive to me.

Taking care of an elderly parent is like having an infant and a rebellious teenager in one unmovable body! Be very sure of what you’re taking on and don’t feel guilty.

I wish I had taken my own advice.
 
Thanks for all the advice! (I’ll keep y’all in my prayers too!)

I’m hoping this is a long ways off (as my parents seem perfectly fine now), but you never know.

When I finish college (a couple years), I’m really going to try and convince them to move. The house we’re in right now is completely unsuitable if anyone becomes wheelchair-bound, or needs assistance. Besides, after college I’ll have nothing tying me to this area, so even if they want to move to a different state (like Florida, or something), I would be able to move with them. (Preferably into a nearby house; I don’t necessarily want to live with them.)
 
I’d just like to take the opportunity of thanking you all for being there and giving me space for my rants.

I have just moved my mother from wheelchair to armchair, warning her that once she’s seated I wouldn’t be able to get her up. As soon as she was in the armchair she wanted to get back in the wheelchair. I managed to do it because she was compliant for a change. It’s so weird. I don’t know if she’s serious or acting up sometimes. :juggle: I really believe that our guardian angels are helping.

Anyway, I love you all.
 
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