Maybe moving away.....mother irate

[masondoggy]

Oh wow, can I relate to your dilemma! BTDT!

Your mom sounds so much like my mom, it’s amazing. About 2 years ago, DH got offered a promising job in North Carolina, that would have been his stepping stone to his dream job that he’s wanted to do all his life. Something he could never do in Ohio.

Well, let’s just say that I broke the news to my mom in the car and immediately she started driving like a bat out of hell and didn’t speak to me again until the day before we left. I heard all the same junk like you…breaking up family, family’s should stick together, children shouldn’t move away from their parents…She was an absolute mental mess. I can’t even describe.

We lived there for 2 months and DH lost his job because a new manager was hired in that didn’t like him. So, just like that he was let go. Here we were 500 miles away from home, limited $$, no job. We had barely enough $$ to rent a moving truck and pay for gas to get home. It was devastating for us. And it really set us back. We were literally homeless with 3 kids. Thank God, He was looking out for us and DH had a friend with an empty apt. that he let us move into until we could get back on our feet.

Almost a year later, my mom and I went out to dinner with some relatives and she proudly told the whole table about how she had prayed and prayed and prayed for her family to return and her prayers were answered. I was LIVID. Here she was happy and proud that I had been through so much hell. Maybe she wasn’t happy that I was miserable, but she was happy that she got her way. And I had to fight the urge, for a long time, to be angry at God for answering her prayers at our expense. And let me tell you, we paid a huge price for her prayers to be answered.

My relationship with my mom has never been the same. We used to be very close, but I have not been able to get over the anger over the way she behaved when we moved. I have prayed and asked God to help me. Sometimes I think the anger is healed, but then it comes back again whenever I really sit and think about it.

What it all comes down to is that I feel trapped. I DO NOT want to live where we are and I’m furious that my mother can’t support me in whatever I do and allow me to spread my wings and live my own life without a guilt trip and drama class to go with it. So here we are, stuck in OH. And I don’t think I’d ever have it in me to make that step again because I know I won’t get any ounce of support from my family. And it makes me angry.

Anyways…guess I’m rambling on. Just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel and I have lived with the aftermath. All I can say is to do what is right for you and your husband. Eventually, your mom will learn to live with it. Your really not going to be that far away. You can visit on weekends.

 

[KCT]

Your mom needs to get over it. She’ll have to figure out how to do that - it’s not your job. Please don’t get sucked into thinking that you are doing anything wrong. You and your husband need to make decisions for yourselves and your future children.

And for crying out loud, you’re moving to the other side of the state, not another continent!! —KCT

 

[Philothea_2.0]

250 miles? Gee, your mom should talk to my parents, whose daughter moved 3,000 miles away, or my friend’s parents, whose daughter moved to the other side of the world! Somehow we all consider our families intact and happy. I see my parents several times a year and talk to them almost daily, and my friend whose parents still live in India sees them about once a year and talks to them on the phone constantly.

It’s not like this is 1850 and we have to take covered wagons or send a letter by horse carrier to communicate. Dayton to Youngstown is what, three and a half hours by car? And cell phones and VoIP have free long distance …

 

[tamie]

When I told my mom that my husband and I were moving from Colorado to Nevada, she freaked out and asked me who was going to take care of her when she is old. (I am one of 5 children). I was surprised and she said the only reason she had kids was so we would stay and take care of her when she got old. That really made me angry and we did not talk for 3 weeks.

It has been 6 years since we moved and initially it was rough for all of us, but every one is okay now.

Your life is yours to live as you see fit. Don’t let your mom hold you back! She will get over it eventually!

 

[movingmom]

I am so sorry to hear about this happening to the OP. I moved 9 years ago from my family (from the East Coast to West). My husband got a job offer that would let me stay at home with my then 6 month old daughter. My mom pitched a fit, acted childish and selfish - not thinking how hard it was for a first time mom to move 3000 miles away from friends and family. It was heart breaking and very hard on me. It killed my relationship with my mom I am very sad to say. They used to visit, now they haven’t been here in over 3 years - they are healthy, have extra money and are retired. They claim they don’t know the grandkids, but make no effort to come see them. We go back (all 5 of us) once per year. My husband is getting tired of this, he doesn’t want to make the effort to visit if it is not reciprocated. UGH. But, all in all I think we did the right thing for our family - I have stayed at home now for 10 years and watched my kids grow. I do pray often for my parents understanding that we did what was best for us, but I don’ think a change of heart is coming. Just pray for the best, but be prepared for hurt, anger and tears. I am sorry to be a downer, but I wanted to share my experience.

 

[KCT]

Off topic, but what’s up with these women? Where do they get off acting like babies because their grown children move away? Where is this coming from??? --KCT

 

[Giannawannabe]

I echo all of the above. I have very similar problems with my own mother. Sometimes these issues only come to the surface when a child really does leave the “nest”. I always thought I was close to my mother, but now it’s strained, at best. Make your decisions based on your OWN family —you and your dh (and any future children). Set some reasonable boundaries with your mother, and keep her at arm’s length. She will eventually get the message. If you’re one to tell her all your problems and the whys and what fors behind all of your decisions, stop doing so. She does not need to be privy to all of your personal family business.

I’ve recommend this book before:

“Children of the Self-Absorbed” by Nina Brown, PhD

Prayers going out to you!

 

[gam3rchic]

Thanks for all the (name removed by moderator)ut, I really needed it! I am worried that my relationship with my mother will never be the same again, but then again, that’s not my fault, it’ll be hers. She has always been an over-bearing, over-protective mother. While I love her, she literally hardly ever let us go anywhere growing up. She always kept her children attatched at the hip, so to speak. I just wish she could understand that I’m doing this for good reasons, with her future grandchildren in mind.

Oh, and in the post by masondoggy, what happened with the failed job with you is something that has crossed my mind that might happen to us. And if my husband lost his job, I know my mom would LOVE and RELISH it forever, b/c she would be right, and I would be wrong. Honestly, if he lost his job, I would still stay in Dayton b/c I have family down there that could help me out.

And the point you guys made about it only being 250 miles away, I tried to stress that to my mom…it’s only a 3 1/2 hour drive so it’s very easy to do (my husband and I have both done it several times, no biggy) but I know my mom will NEVER visit me in Dayton…hell, she doesn’t even visit me now in my apartment! I have to make all the visits to her! If I never went home to her, I would never see her! She will not leave her house and expects everyone to stay there too, I guess, or be the ones to visit b/c she makes no initiative!

Ok, i’m rambling again, but it’s feeling so good to spill my feelings out b/c goodness, I can’t confide in the person I usually would (my mom) about this

 

[mercygate]

thank you guys, i really started to think i was doing something evil here because that’s how my mother made me feel. See, my older sister left us suddenly years ago and left the church and she did back-stab us, so I feel that those old feelings are being stirred up again and taken out on me.

I tried to explain to my mom that my husband is my main priority, but she doesn’t understand. Please keep me in your prayers, because my brothers and sisters are being hurt in this exchange, seeing my mom treat me this way. Also, i might be having surgery to get my gallbladder out so i’m under a lot of stress right now .

Thanks again!

She may never understand. Do it anyway. Sometimes the child must be the parent of the man,so to speak. Leave and cleave! You and your husband are now one flesh. It’s not like you’re moving to Afghanistan. You can get to her in less than half a day by car.

My daughter is single and lives 3000 miles away: seeking her fortune (and finding it) in the film industry. By e-mail and free-minutes-cell phone, I am closer to her than I was when she lived at home.

I have seen more than one marriage destroyed by too close an attachment to mother.

 

[masondoggy]

Oh, and in the post by masondoggy, what happened with the failed job with you is something that has crossed my mind that might happen to us. And if my husband lost his job, I know my mom would LOVE and RELISH it forever, b/c she would be right, and I would be wrong. Honestly, if he lost his job, I would still stay in Dayton b/c I have family down there that could help me out.

See, that was the biggie for me. When DH lost the job, I wanted him to find another one in the area because I LOVED the area we were in. The kids and I were making friends and the kids were settled in their new school. I DID NOT want to move back to OH. But I think DH felt defeated and he just wanted to come home. He won that argument. So I really felt like I was being drug back against my will and I still to this day have a hard time not blaming that on my mom. It’s hard not to think, well, if only she could have prayed for it to work out for us, instead of for her, things could have been different. And she is a more spiritual person than me, so I felt like God listens to her prayers more than mine.

Just too many bad feelings to get over. I’m still not over it 3 years later.

 

[cat3gs]

Hey,

Ive heard a lot of negative things about your Mom. I think she is just afraid of losing you and needs a bit of reassurance. Sit her down and let her know that no matter what you arent leaving her…you just wont be as close. How many hours away would you be? Close enough for long weekend trips? Just help her know that just because you arent in the same town it doenst mean you will be abandoning her.

Good luck!!! And God Bless!!
J.M.J
cat3gs

 

[KCT]

but I know my mom will NEVER visit me in Dayton…hell, she doesn’t even visit me now in my apartment! I have to make all the visits to her!

Her way of trying to control the relationship. She’s probably mad that you’re changing the steps of the dance and she’s no longer leading!! —KCT

 

[1ke]

And she is a more spiritual person than me, so I felt like God listens to her prayers more than mine.

Please walk away from this idea that God answered your mother’s prayers at your expense.
**
God does not operate that way. ** He isn’t in the middle of everyone’s business manipulating their lives-- God does not make mischief and bring people grief, or wealth and happiness, depending on how hard you pray or who is competing for an opposite outcome in prayer.
That is part of the heretical “health and wealth” gospel-- that people who have bad things happen to them aren’t “right” with the Lord or didn’t “pray” or “believe” enough. It’s nonsense, and it’s harmful.

Your mother is a warped individual, and very manipulative.
Look how believing her prayers were answered over yours has harmed you for all these years!

God did not do this to you. The man who laid your husband off did this to you. It happens all the time, people get jobs and people lose jobs. The mistake was your husband putting his tail between his legs. I’m sorry he did that. This isn’t about your mother’s prayers, it’s about your husband’s fragile ego. He could have made the choice to stay and make the best of it.

Keep talking to your husband about trying again if you really want to move away.

 

[deb1]

Hey,

Ive heard a lot of negative things about your Mom. I think she is just afraid of losing you and needs a bit of reassurance. Sit her down and let her know that no matter what you arent leaving her…you just wont be as close. How many hours away would you be? Close enough for long weekend trips? Just help her know that just because you arent in the same town it doenst mean you will be abandoning her.

Good luck!!! And God Bless!!
J.M.J
cat3gs

I think that many of the people who are responding to the thread, myself included, have come from abusive backgrounds with similar type mothers.

I’ve seen many mother respond with extreme sadness when their children move away. Of course, sometimes silly things are said during these moments. For such a person, your advice would be wonderful. The OP’s mother though, does not seem to be responding normally.

The problem with dealing with an overbearing, irrational person is that the normal ways of dealing with other humans won’t apply, in fact your advice could make matters worse. This is because such a person wants what makes them happy and is not able to put themselves in the other person’s position. It sounds from the OP’s post that this is the type of mother that she is dealing with.

If the mother is as the OP describes then sitting her down and explaining that she will keep in touch will not help but only provide a moment for the mom to further try and manipulate via guilt her daughter.

My advice is that she be firm but polite with her mom. If her mom does use manipulation and guilt then the only thing that the Op can do is to give up trying to make her mom accept her impending move and understand that this is something that her mother either will/ or will not work out on her own. But the Op really does not have the power to make her mom feel good about the situation.

I wish that life really was like a television sitcom in that if you said the correct thing, everyone would be happy. Sadly, it doesn’t work that way for many people.

 

[masondoggy]

Please walk away from this idea that God answered your mother’s prayers at your expense.

**God does not operate that way. **He isn’t in the middle of everyone’s business manipulating their lives-- God does not make mischief and bring people grief, or wealth and happiness, depending on how hard you pray or who is competing for an opposite outcome in prayer.
That is part of the heretical “health and wealth” gospel-- that people who have bad things happen to them aren’t “right” with the Lord or didn’t “pray” or “believe” enough. It’s nonsense, and it’s harmful.

Your mother is a warped individual, and very manipulative.
Look how believing her prayers were answered over yours has harmed you for all these years!

God did not do this to you. The man who laid your husband off did this to you. It happens all the time, people get jobs and people lose jobs. The mistake was your husband putting his tail between his legs. I’m sorry he did that. This isn’t about your mother’s prayers, it’s about your husband’s fragile ego. He could have made the choice to stay and make the best of it.

Keep talking to your husband about trying again if you really want to move away.

My head understands this, but way deep down in my heart I can’t get over that feeling. I try. My initial reaction is to be angry at God but I have never given into that at all. But that’s where a lot of my anger at my mom comes from. I feel like she put me in a position to be angry at God.

As much as we would both like to move (DH talks about it sometimes), we won’t be going anywhere for awhile for the kids sake. They’ve been uprooted too much and we’re here to stay until at least the older ones grow up.

 

[katy]

Yes, if the OP’s mom thought about it, they would not be that far away, the family would have a better chance at income, there is IM, cell phones, webcams, email. There is something else going on here. I have had kids continents away, and kept in contact. I tease them about trying to be in places with an international airport, but want them to use the gifts and opportunities God gives them. Interestingly enough,3 of them are back in town, and the other has no choice (military).

 

[JW10631]

The OP’s mother is being completely unrealistic and is not showing proper Christian charity.

Dayton is not so far from Youngstown that visits are impossible - the trip can be made in 4-5 hours.

Being from Pittsburgh, and having grown up near Cleveland, I’m well aware of the lack of opportunity in Youngstown. Youngstown has been depressed since the late 1970s and there is no change in sight.

The OP should go with her husband and make the best possible life in Dayton. Home is where you hang your hat and what you make of it and where you make it.

 

[jmcrae]

See, that was the biggie for me. When DH lost the job, I wanted him to find another one in the area because I LOVED the area we were in. The kids and I were making friends and the kids were settled in their new school. I DID NOT want to move back to OH. But I think DH felt defeated and he just wanted to come home. He won that argument. So I really felt like I was being drug back against my will and I still to this day have a hard time not blaming that on my mom. It’s hard not to think, well, if only she could have prayed for it to work out for us, instead of for her, things could have been different. And she is a more spiritual person than me, so I felt like God listens to her prayers more than mine.

Just too many bad feelings to get over. I’m still not over it 3 years later.

Ack. You poor thing.

The first thing to know is that your Mom did NOT pray your husband out of a job. God doesn’t work like that.

Second, God cares just as much about you and your husband as He does about your Mom, and He will use every situation, no matter how bad, to help you grow spiritually and come closer to Him. That’s all He wants - He certainly would never make something bad happen to anybody (especially not in answer to someone else’s vindictive and selfish prayers); however, in His permissive will, these things do happen (God doesn’t cause them, but He also doesn’t prevent them) and He uses them for our benefit.

I hope you will some day be able to forgive your mother for her attitude, and that you will find a way to make your own dreams come true, as well - and that, when they do, your mother will have the good grace to be happy for you.

Here is a funny story for you about how God works.

One day there was a very sad little boy in Sunday School, and the teacher was very concerned, so she kept him after class for a moment, and she said, “Little Johnny, what on earth is the matter?” because he was crying, and crying, and crying.

Between sobs, he said, “Teacher, I think God is mad at me,” and she said, “Why do you think God is mad at you?” He said, “I have been praying and praying and praying every night for a bicycle, and every morning I look out my window, and there is no bicycle.”

“Oh, poor child,” said the teacher, “God doesn’t really work like that. He is not a magician who makes wishes come true. Instead, when we pray to God, we thank Him for our many blessings, and we ask Him to forgive us of our sins.” Johnny brightened up and said, “Thank you, Teacher. I will remember that,” and he danced all the way home.

The next week, little Johnny arrived at Sunday School on a bright shiny new bicycle, and the teacher was amazed - she said, “Little Johnny, what happened? How did you get this beautiful bicycle?”

He said, “I did just as you said, Teacher.” “Oh?” “Oh, yes. After I talked to you last Sunday, I thanked God for my fast feet, and prayed to Him for forgiveness, for stealing the bicycle.”

I got this story from Emo Phillips.

(I’m not recommending that as a course of action. I just wanted to make you laugh. )

 

[masondoggy]

Ack. You poor thing.

The first thing to know is that your Mom did NOT pray your husband out of a job. God doesn’t work like that.

Second, God cares just as much about you and your husband as He does about your Mom, and He will use every situation, no matter how bad, to help you grow spiritually and come closer to Him. That’s all He wants - He certainly would never make something bad happen to anybody (especially not in answer to someone else’s vindictive and selfish prayers); however, in His permissive will, these things do happen (God doesn’t cause them, but He also doesn’t prevent them) and He uses them for our benefit.

I hope you will some day be able to forgive your mother for her attitude, and that you will find a way to make your own dreams come true, as well - and that, when they do, your mother will have the good grace to be happy for you.

Here is a funny story for you about how God works.

One day there was a very sad little boy in Sunday School, and the teacher was very concerned, so she kept him after class for a moment, and she said, “Little Johnny, what on earth is the matter?” because he was crying, and crying, and crying.

Between sobs, he said, “Teacher, I think God is mad at me,” and she said, “Why do you think God is mad at you?” He said, “I have been praying and praying and praying every night for a bicycle, and every morning I look out my window, and there is no bicycle.”

“Oh, poor child,” said the teacher, “God doesn’t really work like that. He is not a magician who makes wishes come true. Instead, when we pray to God, we thank Him for our many blessings, and we ask Him to forgive us of our sins.” Johnny brightened up and said, “Thank you, Teacher. I will remember that,” and he danced all the way home.

The next week, little Johnny arrived at Sunday School on a bright shiny new bicycle, and the teacher was amazed - she said, “Little Johnny, what happened? How did you get this beautiful bicycle?”

He said, “I did just as you said, Teacher.” “Oh?” “Oh, yes. After I talked to you last Sunday, I thanked God for my fast feet, and prayed to Him for forgiveness, for stealing the bicycle.”

I got this story from Emo Phillips.

(I’m not recommending that as a course of action. I just wanted to make you laugh. )

LOL, thanks.

Sorry to the OP for taking over your thread.

 

[Teeliumtrozzle]

I think you should invite your familly to come with you! Then your mother can live with you and be happy and know her grandchildren and your husband can be happy and get his job.I think you should move and bring your familly with you.Isnt that a good idea?