Me adopt? Insane

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Crickabelle

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Help. I am feeling a profound tug in my heart to adopt an orphaned child. I know nothing of the process, but that is not my primary concern.

My husband and I have been happily married for 26 years, we’ve overcome substantial difficulties and look forward to our remaining years together. We have raised fou sons, the youngest will be 18 by the end of the year.

My DH does not yet agree, in faith I know that if this desire is of God, that will change. Our first block, outside of agreeing, is my health. I have struggled with chronic illness for more than a decade and have been watching my productivity steadily decline.

I am attending a healing mass this morning and am seeking prayer…

This is all imosssible apart from the grace of God. Your prayers are sincerely appreciated.

In Christ,
Kim
 
Just so you know - very children up for adoption are orphans.

Are you wanting to adopt out of YOUR NEED or for the need of a child?

If you adopt from a state agency you will need to pass a physical - not that it is very difficult but your health is evaluated.
 
You need to educate yourself about adoption and what would be involved with an older child. Since your husband is against it, that is a red flag. Maybe you should focus on becoming foster parents or big brother big sister or even try to tutor it be involved in helping children that need it. With your health and a spouse against it, these are other means to be involved with children that need a caring adult in their life. You seem like a very caring person that still has a lot to give. These other way might work out with your husband but still is giving to someone else that needs it and there a are a lot of children that do.
 
I agree that you should foster first, and get a feel for the plight of some of the kids that are in the system. One of my friends fostered for a few years and then adopted one of the foster kids.
 
If this desire is from God, you will overcome all obstacles. Pray and listen.

As another poster mentioned, very few children in our country are orphans. They ARE orphans in the sense that their parents abandoned, abused and neglected them horrifically enough so that they were removed from their care. This sense of loss follows them throughout life, just as a death would.

If you are feeling called to adopt an actual orphan, maybe you should pray about adopting overseas.
 
If adoption doesn’t work out, then the suggestion to mentor is a very good one!

I know a lady whose children are grown and on their own, and she mentors three teens from dysfunctional families. They love to be with her, and sometimes it is more than once a week.

At times she teaches them how to cook, and encourages good reading by gifting them with books.
 
Thank you for your prayers.

It isn’t about me. To ignore this desire would be the simplest thing. I have wonderful kids and grandchildren will come soon enough. Honestly, I have dearly enjoyed their self- sufficiency and do not look forward to the effort I would need to muster in order to care for a younger child.

I have no illusions…any non-infant child will come with baggage…I find this mildly terrifying.

Wisdom and strength. . These are dearly needed.
 
Crickabelle said:
Thank you for your prayers.

It isn’t about me. To ignore this desire would be the simplest thing. I have wonderful kids and grandchildren will come soon enough. Honestly, I have dearly enjoyed their self- sufficiency and do not look forward to the effort I would need to muster in order to care for a younger child.

I have no illusions…any non-infant child will come with baggage…I find this mildly terrifying.

Wisdom and strength. . These are dearly needed.
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Infant children come with baggage also. You deal with “nature vs. nurture” and the drug abuse that the mothers “enjoyed” while pregnant.

My boss has adopted two girls from two different families. They were both adopted as infants and had the same upbringing. You could not meet two more different people. One is in college and studying medicine, the other is barely out of jail and refuses to support herself.
 
SamH said:
Infant children come with baggage also. You deal with “nature vs. nurture” and the drug abuse that the mothers “enjoyed” while pregnant.

My boss has adopted two girls from two different families. They were both adopted as infants and had the same upbringing. You could not meet two more different people. One is in college and studying medicine, the other is barely out of jail and refuses to support herself.
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Before this post scares anyone away from adopting infants, I, along with my sister, were adopted as infants from different families and we both are similar to our parents and each other. Having met my birthfather and knowing something of my birthmother, I can assure you I am not like them in the least. I can also recount many examples of families that did not adopt and had many troubles of their own.

😉
 
Crickabelle said:
… I have no illusions…any non-infant child will come with baggage…I find this mildly terrifying.
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On the other hand, if you adopt a toddler or older child, you probably won’t have to bottle-feed, spoon-feed, change diapers, or travel with a stroller. If the child is old enough to listen and speak, he/she can communicate, which is a big plus.

“Mildly terrifying” … I understand your concerns, but to a large extent you can deal with that by learning the child’s family history and medical history, meeting and playing with the child, and perhaps (and this takes a bit of work) hiring child-development professionals to assess the child. As an adoptive parents, you can do this. You have a right to know what you are getting into, and if you discover problems that you don’t think you can handle, no one is going to force you to adopt that child.

Looking at it another way, having a baby yourself is not a sure thing. Even healthy and conscientious parents can conceive children with serious health, behavior, or learning issues. In adoption, you have an opportunity to see the child before you commit. In this way, adoption may be less terrifying.
 
SamH said:
… My boss has adopted two girls from two different families. They were both adopted as infants and had the same upbringing. You could not meet two more different people. One is in college and studying medicine, the other is barely out of jail and refuses to support herself.
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And it sometimes happens that two children conceived and raised in the same family are as different as that.
 
SamH said:
Are you wanting to adopt out of YOUR NEED or for the need of a child?

If you adopt from a state agency you will need to pass a physical - not that it is very difficult but your health is evaluated.
Click to expand...
SamH, thank you…

My desire stems from an observation that there are children in need of secure, loving and permanent homes and families. Also, I have been meditating upon the Gospel of Mark where it is written:

“And he took a child and put him in the midst of them; and taking him in his arms he said to them, 'whoever receives one such child in my name receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.” v 37 (RSV)

My health must be in better shape before bringing a child into my home. What I took away from the healing mass yesterday was not a desire to be released from the pain and fatigue which are my constant companions, but wisdom and strength in coping with them. I am reminded of the words of the Little Flower:

“Sufferings gladly born for others convert more people than sermons.”
 
robwar said:
You need to educate yourself about adoption and what would be involved with an older child. Since your husband is against it, that is a red flag. Maybe you should focus on becoming foster parents or big brother big sister or even try to tutor it be involved in helping children that need it. With your health and a spouse against it, these are other means to be involved with children that need a caring adult in their life. You seem like a very caring person that still has a lot to give. These other way might work out with your husband but still is giving to someone else that needs it and there a are a lot of children that do.
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Education is next…I have some familiarity with the foster care system, though not enough. I do wonder about private options…are there apostolates which work with such children as these? There is some digging to be done along these lines.

The red flag. . . You are absolutely correct. My husband will be fully and completely be on board, or I do no more than research. Research may be the whole point of my desire, only God knows. The Holy Spirit is like the wind…

One thing I do not like about the foster care program is that the foster parents are paid by the state. This ‘dislike’ is not a fully formed insight, but another point to ponder along the way.

I have worked as a substitute teacher in the neighborhood and am familiar with the process for volunteering time in the classroom. I thoroughly enjoyed that work but can no longer manage a full day. This is a thought which has been bumping around in my head and in my heart…
 
Deus_tecum said:
I agree that you should foster first, and get a feel for the plight of some of the kids that are in the system. One of my friends fostered for a few years and then adopted one of the foster kids.
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👍

May God bless your friend…
 
Crickabelle said:
Thank you for your prayers.

It isn’t about me. To ignore this desire would be the simplest thing. I have wonderful kids and grandchildren will come soon enough. Honestly, I have dearly enjoyed their self- sufficiency and do not look forward to the effort I would need to muster in order to care for a younger child.

I have no illusions…any non-infant child will come with baggage…I find this mildly terrifying.

Wisdom and strength. . These are dearly needed.
Click to expand...
Again, I have several thoughts here. Infant children whether domestic or international can come with baggage especially if the mother used drugs or alcohol during the pregnancy. If you are thinking that an infant would be easier because you are avoiding diffuculties that can come with an older child, you should reconsidered and again you need to educate yourself on all aspects of adoption. Likewise and i am assuming with 3 older children that you are probably in your 50s. Most all agencies domestic and international do have either an upper age limit or a limit on the age spread between parent and child. In other words, you probably shouldn’t focus yourself on an infant/toddler because the younger waiting couples would take priority. Likewise, as an older adult and just thinking of energy levels and time would you seriously want to start all over again with an infant and do you want to be in your 60+ with a teenager? But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a desire to give to children that need it whether it be your time or even your home. Sometimes we listen to horror stories of adoption especially with the older child and think that we can’t handle that but since you did have 3 children, you are already an experienced parent and have a lot to give. There are several good books out there about adopting older children, I think one title is “adopting the hurt child”. Plus you need to ask yourself if you want to either adopt or foster or tutor some questions like "how do you feel if your child looks very different from you? What is your husband’s fears or concerns? etc. I think you have a great heart and we need more adults like you to want to give to children because there are too many children that need a loving adult in their lives.
 
Please consider your health issues and your ages. These are children who have sustained losses, sometimes many losses. If there is a chance that your health could decline, that you and your husband will not feel up to being active participants in a child’s life, or may even pass away, you will have added to this child’s sense of abandonment and loss.
We adopted two children as infants, one domestic, one international, in addition to our three birth children. It was a wonderful experience, but our youngest is now 14, we are grandparents, and I could not imagine taking on another child at our age (52) and with my health issues. Older children are often heartbreakingly damaged. They desperately need unconditional love, but it takes a saint to provide it. Please be honest with yourself about your energy level, and accept that your husband may be being realistic about what he can handle.
Someone said that you won’t be dealing with night feedings and diapers, anyone with a large family knows those are the easy times. Older children, even without major issues, are far more stress. Children adopted as infants experience identity issues over adoption, race, etc. as teenagers. I can only imagine this would be magnified in an older child who has spent time in the foster system.
You cannot study this issue too thoroughly. God’s will is often not easily discerned and if your husband is unenthusiastic I would take that as a strong indication. How do your grown children feel about this idea? They do not have the right to dictate your life, but they have some insight into your parenting skills. If they are enthusiastic, then you probably have what it takes. If not, ask them why.
 
robwar said:
Again, I have several thoughts here. Infant children whether domestic or international can come with baggage especially if the mother used drugs or alcohol during the pregnancy. If you are thinking that an infant would be easier because you are avoiding diffuculties that can come with an older child, you should reconsidered and again you need to educate yourself on all aspects of adoption. Likewise and i am assuming with 3 older children that you are probably in your 50s. Most all agencies domestic and international do have either an upper age limit or a limit on the age spread between parent and child. In other words, you probably shouldn’t focus yourself on an infant/toddler because the younger waiting couples would take priority. Likewise, as an older adult and just thinking of energy levels and time would you seriously want to start all over again with an infant and do you want to be in your 60+ with a teenager? But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a desire to give to children that need it whether it be your time or even your home. Sometimes we listen to horror stories of adoption especially with the older child and think that we can’t handle that but since you did have 3 children, you are already an experienced parent and have a lot to give. There are several good books out there about adopting older children, I think one title is “adopting the hurt child”. Plus you need to ask yourself if you want to either adopt or foster or tutor some questions like "how do you feel if your child looks very different from you? What is your husband’s fears or concerns? etc. I think you have a great heart and we need more adults like you to want to give to children because there are too many children that need a loving adult in their lives.
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Agreed. I’m 46 with a 2 year old we are adopting. I will be 63 when he graduates from high school and 67 when/if he graduates from college. When I have him and his 4 year old foster sister I am frequently asked if they are my grandchildren.
 
Dorothy said:
If adoption doesn’t work out, then the suggestion to mentor is a very good one!

I know a lady whose children are grown and on their own, and she mentors three teens from dysfunctional families. They love to be with her, and sometimes it is more than once a week.

At times she teaches them how to cook, and encourages good reading by gifting them with books.
Click to expand...
Excellent idea…
 
SamH said:
Infant children come with baggage also.
Click to expand...
Indeed, all children who suffer the tragedy of the loss of their biological parents, have “baggage”. I wish I’d not used that word. With children such as these, the difficulties of life are amplified from the very beginning…
 
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