Meddling grandparent

[Scott_D]

Hello:

I am a convert to the Church (12 years ago). I was not raised with any religion, and my parents didn’t even have me baptized. My father was raised a baptist in Boston in the days when there was a lot of Catholic/Protestant tension. At any rate, he is religion-less and he believes in relative truth. My wife and I have 5 daughters and 1 son from the ages 12-2. He has been taking my 12 year old daughter aside and saying things like, “you should be able to read what you want,” and “Your parents shelter you too much, you gotta be tough in this world.” Meanwhile, my oldest daughter, a diabetic since she was 1 1/2 years is tough, and well read, just not in Harry Potter and Stephen King like my father wants. I wanted to know if any of my Catholic (or non) extended family out there can relate!

 

[redtech]

I would try to keep my daughter away from him unless you are all together.

I know you spend more time with her so you obviously have more influence. I would just be worried that he’d start giving her books to read that you don’t want her to have.

 

[1ke]

He has been taking my 12 year old daughter aside and saying things like, “you should be able to read what you want,” and “Your parents shelter you too much, you gotta be tough in this world.”

This is a complete violation of your rights as a parent and your boundaries. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he will be limited in his access to your children if he cannot respect your religion, your decisions in parenting, and your boundaries.

He can choose his behavior and the consequences that go with it.

 

[Scott_D]

Thanks. I appreciate the backup. The thing is, we’ve told him to back off before. We’ve tried to explain the Church’s standpoint on spiritual formation and striving for perfection. My wife is the tactful one. I’m afraid this calls for something less than tactful. Luckily, our daughter trusts her parents and where we are trying to lead her. I guess this is what our Master meant when he said, “I’ve come not to bring peace to this world, but a sword…I will set father against son…”

 

[notsmart]

Invite him to your home the same night you invite your priest over for dinner. I might help break the ice, and then he may end up with more respect for your faith.

If that does not work, I would tell him I love you dad, but you never raised me to take abuse from anyone. Not even from you.
I won’t start allowing it now, no matter how much I love you.

 

[Scott_D]

He’s actually met a couple of our priests. That’s when he started with his “I’m a Baptist” speech even though he hasn’t been to church for 40 years.

It seems odd that a son would be more conservative than the father, but it’s not the first time I’ve heard of it. Once I learned about Christ and His Church (largely thanks to my long suffering wife) it transformed my entire thinking and worldview. I try to explain to my parents that Catholics have their own culture and that explains why we don’t let our daughters dress like a trollup, use foul language, or read books which could damage the soul. Many Americans don’t seem to understand that. They would understand if we Catholics looked different from the rest of America, but we don’t.

 

[LSK]

May I make a suggestion?

In front of your father, to your daughter, with your wife standing there, say something like:

“Molly darling (or whatever her name is), your grandfather is going to be saying a lot of things to you that your mother and I do not agree with and which go against our Faith. We have asked him not to do this, but he does it anyway. This is not the way we hope you will ever treat people, but it is the way Grandpa treats us. We want you to know that we love him, we pray for him every day, but he is a big goofball. While he is talking to you, you have our permission to recite the alphabet in your head as long as you are smiling and polite to him. When you see his lips stop moving, say, “Thanks Grandpa, how bout those Patriots?” and it will all be over.”

I swear to you, with my nephews and niece (mostly my nephews as Jillie was only 3 when my Dad died), I said something very similar to this…I said, “We love Grandpa, but he is a goofy guy…so nod your head and sing lalalalalala in it while he is telling you that I am a religious fanatic and when his lips stop moving ask him what he thinks the Niners chances are this season”.

My father was so surprised he laughed out loud…

And came Home to Rome 10 days before he died…

humor…when all else fails with people who insist of ignoring your boundaries…humor…

 

[puzzleannie]

My mother in law would deliberately say things to my son to try and get him to disobey us and cut down our parenting. It was not innocent and fun “your parents should let you have more ice cream!” but awful stuff…

that tactic is also a marker for spotting potential abusers. one thing almost all abusers do as part of grooming is to turn the child against the parents and their discipline, as well as “keeping secrets”. there is probably a huge gulf between obnoxious or meddling grandparents, and abusive relatives, but nonetheless that tactic is a complete no-no.

When I want to break rules I ask the parents first–okay if we go to McDonalds or DQ, okay if I take her to get her ears pierced, whatever–and the parents give permission to the child, and to me. We want to avoid ever being in a situation where the child has to choose between us and the parents. That is also why we don’t interfere w/parents discipline (or lack of it) as hard as that is.

 

[Scott_D]

There has been one other item which I neglected to list (not on purpose). My father has also been saying things like, “you should be able to wear what you want.” The comical part about it is that she does. My wife has done a splendid job in developing a sense of modesty. My oldest daughter has not complained even once of what she wears. She just told me last night that sometimes if she walks in the room in her pajamas, which are loose or baggy, he’ll say, “do you really like those?”

We actually live 180 miles north of him,so we probably see him about one weekend every 6 weeks or so. I am preparing a rebuttal for him using the Bible and G.K Chesterton as reference material!

 

[LSK]

Well, I hope the proper rebuttals work. My experience is that my father showed no more respect for philosophers or theologians than he did for the Faith. So, when I told the boys (in front of him) to be loving and kind but just ignore him because he was a big ol’goofball it made him think…particularly, about the fact that he was showing ME such disrespect. I think that’s what started the reconversion process for him…realizing that the only child he had who was there for him, helped him out and was the daughter he needed (rather than the one he wanted) was the Catholic one…the other two had basically told him to go away.
But I hope your way works…I’ll keep you all in my prayers.