Meddling mother in law

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Zitabeth

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I’ve been married for a year &I almost feel more like a 3rdwheel in my marriage. I should’ve seen it coming,I guess I was blinded by love. When we were planning our wedding, which we paid for btw, she was in the middle of everything. Hubs is her only child so i tried to be gracious. She insisted on going dress shopping and made comments about how the dresses looked on me. I looked like a harlot, a dress wouldn’t work because I was too flat chested, or how she wouldn’t dare wear a dress like that in a church. I ended up in tears and buying a dress I didn’t love just to make the day end. I mentioned it to hubs who convinced me I was overreacting and I just need to get to know her better. She showed up at our cake tasting and ended up getting her choice. Then she called the florist and changed our flowers. She bossed around the photographer as well, they’re are almost as many photos of her and hubs as there are hubs and me. This caused a big argument that night & we ended up sleeping seperatly. The next day i apologized for making a big deal out of something so trivial, afterall I was married to the love of my life.
Of course she dominated the holidays. Initially hubs and I agreed we’d alternate but there is always an excuse we have to go to his mother’s. I firmly believe that the husband is head of the household and work hard to be a submissive wife & try to just not ruffle any feathers. However now that I’m expecting it’s getting harder. For example, we didn’t want to announce it publicly until the 2nd trimester, MIL took it upon herself to announce it on Facebook, tagging hubs and I. I confronted her and she said she was so excited & had the right to announce her joy in becoming a grandma. Hubs &I decided to wait to find out the gender at birth, MIL got in his ear and convinced him otherwise, she wanted to throw a reveal party, then she starts telling other relatives how excited she is that she"finally gets her little girl". I heard through the grapevine that my baby was a girl! Ok now that I know the gender anyway might as well start on the nursery. I had pintrest boards and talks with anyone who would listen that I wanted, light subdued colors, lots of white with small splashes of ballet pink and grey. I had swatches on the wall and everything. hubs and I went away for the weekend and come back to my early baby shower “gift”. MIL had my nursery decorated! Bright lavender walls with bubblegum pink trim. Frilly curtains and hubs crib from 30 years ago. She had the biggest poo eating grin on her face and said the nursery I wanted was too boring, the baby will like this one much more. I screamed at her, told her I was she was ruining the experience for me &hubs comforted her and shamed me. He accused me of not liking his mother left. I had to make amends with his mother so he’d come home. She’s also trying to pick baby names, asking her friends on Facebook what they thought of so and so name for her grandbaby. Hubs wants to let her choose the middle name 😠. Now she’s trying to weasel her way into the delivery room.
CONTINUED…
 
Oh, hon, do NOT let her in the delivery room. Tell your doctor NOW. Tell the nurses at the hospital as soon as you get there.
She is totally out of control, as you already know. You need to have a serious talk with your husband about what marriage is. Talk you your priest, too. Probably best for you and your husband to sit down with him and your priest to try to talk some sense into him.

You’re right, all the warning signs were there. She’s been walking all over both of you, and it’s going to be hard to get her to stop. Is your mother anywhere near? Or any other family? You really need an ally right now.
 
Oh, my… I don’t know what to every say, @Zitabeth. My only suggestion is to maybe have a sit-down meeting…preferably with a priest or counselor or therapist (that you have seen beforehand privately), and you can express your feelings on how this is you and your husband’s baby, and that there are certain boundaries that your family will insist upon. Obviously, it has to be delicately done, but this is YOUR baby, and YOUR home, and YOUR marriage.
Thank her for the gift of the decorating, but it is not your style and therefore you will be changing it to something that belongs in your home. Tell you absolutely will not have anyone but your husband and the medical team in your delivery room. Make sure all of the hospital staff knows this now, and reiterate it when you get to the hospital in labor. If you don’t establish boundaries now, it will only get worse. Talking to her with grace and mercy is paramount, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat.
And your husband needs to learn to ‘leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife’!! You two need to get into marriage counseling NOW, before the baby comes, and help him to understand that siding with his mother over his wife will shatter whatever affection you have for him.
Prayers to you!
 
Wow…my first question is: why does she have a key to your home? The locks need to be changed immediately.

Secondly, how did she find out the gender of your own baby before you did? Something tells me the answer to both of these is your husband. You cannot control your mother in law, but you can set boundaries and that is HIS job.

The wedding is over, so I would let all of that go. She interfered because she was allowed to, and your husband did not stop her. But now that you are having a baby, it is only going to get worse if your husband refuses to put his marriage first. Your job is not to “be submissive and not ruffle feathers”. This is your marriage at stake, and you need to be more proactive about setting boundaries with your husband at the outset, instead of reacting to the things she does after the fact.

Tell your husband she will not be allowed in the delivery room. Most labor and delivery units are locked, and you will have the ability to tell the staff that no one is to come anywhere near your room. (FYI- when someone told me she was going to “show up anyway” to the delivery of my baby, she was not informed when I was in labor. That’s an option too.)

I think marriage counseling is a great idea. Your husband needs to hear from a neutral party how unreasonable his mother is being, and that he needs to step up and defend you from her inappropriate meddling.
 
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Repaint the room. Paint is inexpensive and an easy fix.

If you do not like the window coverings, take them down and buy what you want.

No need to argue over this, just change it.
 
Change the locks now.

I am guessing FIL and MIL are divorced. Get someone from your side of the family(your mom, an aunt) to sort of be counter weight to her throwing around her weight.

At the end of the day this is your husbands problem, not yours, and he has to deal with it.
Zitabeth said:
He accused me of not liking his mother left. I had to make amends with his mother so he’d come home.
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What?! Should have left him out in the cold. Create another argument then, don’t make amends, problem solved. Let him know either he or your MIL can be in the delivery room not both. You need to come down hard on him, and fast. His problem.
 
@TheLittleLady- I agree that redecorating the baby’s room is an easy fix, but it seems from her post that the undermining is a long-term issue, and the dear hubby isn’t protecting his wife. This needs to be resolved as a relationship/boundaries issue. Her MIL doesn’t have healthy boundaries, and it sounds like her husband doesn’t, either.
 
OP, you have the patience of a saint. I’d have lost my sanity a long time ago.

Definitely don’t let her into the delivery room - as the others have said, speak to your doctor and tell her the only person you want in the room with you is your husband. Honestly, I think the best thing for you to do is not tell her you’ve gone into labour, and not tell her you’ve had the baby until you feel up to seeing her. And as the others have said, change your locks so she doesn’t have a key. Don’t discuss names with her and choose what you want.

Your main problem though is your husband. He is the one who will have to be strong to implement any of these changes - I would hope he has come to the conclusion that she’s too much hassle to stop rather than him not seeing any need for boundaries, because at least then he’s aware it’s wrong. If you can, I would recommend getting some counselling together so you can explain how you feel and hopefully come up with some strategies for dealing with her together. If your husband won’t go, I recommend you go by yourself - you should at least get some help for how to respond to her.

I’m really sorry to hear your husband won’t support you. He is being manipulative and controlling, and he needs to change. Is there any chance you could speak to a Priest together? I think you’re incredible to cope with this for so long.
 
Lou2U said:
he needs to change
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Some of the best advice to those considering marriage is that one does not marry expecting the other person to change. The OP admits she was blinded by love.

Based on what the OP has told us, this man is not going to change.

His mother is not going to change.

The only thing that the OP can control is how she responds to these things. She can change, she can stand up and be the adult. Don’t waste time trying to change the other person. Get your birth plan in place with your doctor/midwife. Explicitly state that you want no visitors, do not put MIL on any HIPPA form.
 
Unfortunately, I agree. The OP’s husband sounds as though he doesn’t see anything wrong with his mother’s behaviour, and actively supports it. I would recommend the OP tries counselling with her husband to try and explain to him why his mother is unreasonable (and by extension why her husband is unreasonable when he uses bullying tactics to force the OP to back down), but if he won’t go she should definitely go by herself.

Do you have your family around you, OP? Someone to support you?
 
Now she’s having a “grandma shower”. I asked hubs why she needed one, our plan has always been for me to be a stay at home mom, we agreed to this before our engagement even happened. Then hubs told me his mother would watch her part time while I worked, afterall the money I pay her to babysit will really help her out. I don’t even know what to do. I’m so angry but my husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and just hate his mother.
 
Put down your foot NOW.

Paint over the walls in the color you want. Seriously. Give her crap you don’t like to Goodwill.

Change the locks.

Tell husband it is time for marriage counseling and you will NOT be bullied by him or her again.

Do not give her unfettered access to your home.

Seriously, if your husband continues this nonsense make him go to counseling.
 
Grandma showers are now a thing, I’d not begrudge her friends giving her some gifts.

The rest of it, you need to stand up today.
 
As 1ke says, get counselling as soon as possible. And try to disengage with her if it does not directly impact you - if she tells you she’s having a grandmother shower just say “that’s nice” and ignore. Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she’s got to you (although I know how hard that is).

As for your husband, tell him no. That’s not what you agreed together, the new plan is not what you’ve agreed to, and you want to stay at home with your baby. And point out how disrespectful it is for him to be plotting with his mother about your plans behind your back - nothing to do with hating his mother, and everything to do with the way they treat you.
 
I’m going to pray for you, your child (btw congratulations!!!), your husband, and your mother-in-law. May everything work out for you. I’m so sorry you’re in such a hard situation. Truly sorry.

I’m going to refrain from giving you advice because my blood is boiling right now and I might say something uncharitable. I like to think I’m a mild-mannered creature, but if it was me in your place I would’ve blown my top ages ago.

May God bless you for your sweet patience, and may your husband come to see what a treasure you really are.
 
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I am sorry to hear that. MIL is one of the most difficult issues in the family. Your priority is your family as you are married now. Talk to your husband about this. Both of you have to be on the same side regarding this issue.

God bless you.
 
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