Medical phobia and avoiding pregnancy

[merny]

Hello,

I have a question about birth control. I have a strong medical phobia and, although I have had counseling for it, cannot stand the idea of pregnancy and childbirth. I can barely get a simple blood test without major anxiety for days beforehand. However, even before I knew I had a medical phobia, I felt called to adoption. My family has known since I was a tween that I wanted to adopt children, and I told my now-husband about that desire very early on in our relationship. He has been more than supportive with both my fear and our plans to adopt. I always felt that maybe God gave me a phobia as insurance that I follow my heart for adoption, and the fact that my husband unquestioningly jumped on-board with the adoption idea has been an incredible blessing for us both and has always felt like further evidence that God has this other plan for us.

Anyways, when I started dating I was not a Catholic, but I converted before we married. We did not have sex before marriage and do indeed believe that sex is something sacred. When I was considering Catholicism, I told the priest that it is a struggle for me to convert because I know I do not want biological kids and could use birth control “guilt free” as a Protestant but would suddenly be sinning as a Catholic in that situation. He told me about the supremacy of conscience, and basically said that we needed to seriously learn about the Church’s teachings on the Theology of the Body/contraception and would need to be willing to “stand naked before God” with our actions if we still chose to use contraception. He was not condemning, and left open the possibility that “fruitfulness” does not have the same definition for everyone. We desperately want to be parents and look forward to raising our children in the faith. We have been using birth control with a clear conscience and have no idea if we are fertile or not. And please understand that a phobia is not just a lack of trust in God or something. It is a full-body terror, and there is absolutely no way I could currently have unprotected sex; I’m also sure that 9 months of intense anxiety in a pregnancy would not be healthy for me or a baby (and there is no way that 9 months of bodily changes would not constantly trigger my phobia).

I guess my question is, does the Church have any other insight to give for this situation? It seems like so many of the admonitions against contraception are about selfishness and seeking pleasure only, but we don’t look at our sexuality that way at all. I love giving myself to him and knowing that he is giving himself to me. Our marriage is committed, intimate and self-sacrificial, and we are united in the joyful idea of becoming parents, just not biologically. Given that adoption is good, beautiful, and Christian, I struggle with the idea that people think we are sinning in our exclusive pursuit of that end. I prefer to allow Catholics to think we are infertile than to get into the specifics. I also feel that it seems wrong, even, to pursue countless hours of therapy to overcome this fear, when there are children that need homes and we have such open hearts.

Anyways, I’d love to hear your thoughts on our situation. I’ve heard that there are some medical exceptions for the use of birth control in the Catholic Church, but I don’t know if a phobia “qualifies” or not.

 

[pensmama87]

Have you sought treatment for your phobia? To me, that would be the first thing to address.

 

[Wesrock]

This situation sounds like it needs careful discernment. And while there are many knowledgeable people here, I think it better to continue to counsel with a priest about your particular situation. I think you may also reach out to the National Catholic Bioethics Center (ncbcenter.org) about this. I think this last is appropriate advice. I’ve seen it recommended before. I hope someone can confirm. The information is under the tab for “Consultation” and it appears to be free.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Have you sought treatment for your phobia? To me, that would be the first thing to address.

Yes. This. You must get treatment first and foremost. I know it “failed” before but keep at it. Sound mental health is required for adoption. (We cannot adopt for this reason!) They will find your medical info somehow so simply not telling them is not an option.

As for the contraception, it is simply not allowed by Catholic couples. For any reason. You need to learn about Natural Family Planning (NFP) from the priest who brought you into the Catholic Church. Every diocese has NFP classes. Ask your priest!

 

[Xantippe]

I now realize I was very phobic about certain aspects of medical care. For instance, years ago I once walked out of a doctor’s appointment when a nurse was taking too long to get a blood draw done–I got sick and tired of having the rubber band constricting my arm while the nurse poked around for a vein. And when I had my first baby, the biggest trial (until major labor started) was the squeezing of the blood pressure cuff every 15 minutes.

But, I eventually got over about 80% of that, just with repeated exposure to the procedures. By the time I had my first baby, I was hardened to the process. I still don’t love it (I continue to be a big baby about blood draws), but I’m just uncomfortable rather than phobic. Also, it feels like blood draws are done a lot more skillfully than they used to be–there’s a lot less random poking around.

Aside from pregnancy you need to learn to get through medical care and basic medical procedures just for your own health. That’s just not even optional. It has to happen.

 

[1ke]

Yes the Church does have a teaching. Contraception is always grave matter against the sixth commandment.

I would encourage you to seek mental health services regarding your phobia.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I now realize I was very phobic about certain aspects of medical care. For instance, years ago I once walked out of a doctor’s appointment when a nurse was taking too long to get a blood draw done–I got sick and tired of having the rubber band constricting my arm while the nurse poked around for a vein. And when I had my first baby, the biggest trial (until major labor started) was the squeezing of the blood pressure cuff every 15 minutes.

But, I eventually got over about 80% of that, just with repeated exposure to the procedures. By the time I had my first baby, I was hardened to the process. I still don’t love it (I continue to be a big baby about blood draws), but I’m just uncomfortable rather than phobic. Also, it feels like blood draws are done a lot more skillfully than they used to be–there’s a lot less random poking around.

Aside from pregnancy you need to learn to get through medical care and basic medical procedures just for your own health. That’s just not even optional. It has to happen.

Yes. Again you need to get help for your fears and phobias first.

What if your child gets a bad cut or a bloody nose? Could you stand the sight of all that blood? And be able to administer first aid to him?

What if your child was diabetic and you had to give him shots multiple times a day, could you?

Children will introduce you to any and all bodily fluids in volumes you never dreamed possible throughout your time as a parent. . And it is far from pleasant most of the time. You have to have your head on straight or you will not make it.

Parenting is not for the squeamish. It just isn’t. You will have to face your fears now or then, best to do it before the child arrives.

 

[merny]

I am only phobic for myself, though I do always get medical treatment and preventative medicine when needed. It’s just very rough to do so (and thankfully I have never had any major illnesses/injuries). I am actually a biologist and am first-aid certified; I don’t expect that the physical needs of children would be too taxing for me to meet.

 

[Bill_Martin]

I now realize I was very phobic about certain aspects of medical care. For instance, years ago I once walked out of a doctor’s appointment when a nurse was taking too long to get a blood draw done–I got sick and tired of having the rubber band constricting my arm while the nurse poked around for a vein. And when I had my first baby, the biggest trial (until major labor started) was the squeezing of the blood pressure cuff every 15 minutes.

But, I eventually got over about 80% of that, just with repeated exposure to the procedures. By the time I had my first baby, I was hardened to the process. I still don’t love it (I continue to be a big baby about blood draws), but I’m just uncomfortable rather than phobic. Also, it feels like blood draws are done a lot more skillfully than they used to be–there’s a lot less random poking around.

Aside from pregnancy you need to learn to get through medical care and basic medical procedures just for your own health. That’s just not even optional. It has to happen.

I can definitely relate (to the phobia, not childbirth).

I’ve had multiple lung collapses, several chest tube insertions, and a few lung surgeries, and none of that bothers me as much as having blood drawn. I hate it with a passion.

I agree that repeated exposure to medical procedures helps immensely. I think that’s really the only way to deal with it.

 

[Wesrock]

As for the contraception, it is simply not allowed by Catholic couples. For any reason. You need to learn about Natural Family Planning (NFP) from the priest who brought you into the Catholic Church. Every diocese has NFP classes. Ask your priest!

Not strictly speaking true. If there’s a medical reason for “the pill” then it would be okay to take. If a hysterectomy is a needed medical procedure, that can be okay. The important thing, though, is that the intent is to treat the medical condition and the resultant infertility is an unintended side effect.

That, admittedly, doesn’t seem to be the case here. I would still suggest speaking to a priest and maybe checking out the link I provided for confirmation and guidance.

 

[pensmama87]

I am only phobic for myself, though I do always get medical treatment and preventative medicine when needed. It’s just very rough to do so (and thankfully I have never had any major illnesses/injuries). I am actually a biologist and am first-aid certified; I don’t expect that the physical needs of children would be too taxing for me to meet.

Well, it’s either a big deal or it’s not. If you can handle it when you need to, then you could if you got pregnant.

You can’t have it both ways.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Well, it’s either a big deal or it’s not. If you can handle it when you need to, then you could if you got pregnant.

You can’t have it both ways.

I agree.

You are a biologist and trained in first aid. That does not fully prepare you for the real thing. Having your hands in blood is different than just talking about it.

OP what SPECIFICALLY about pregnancy and childbirth do you fear?

We are not going to give you a free pass to contracept if that’s what your after.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Not strictly speaking true. If there’s a medical reason for “the pill” then it would be okay to take. If a hysterectomy is a needed medical procedure, that can be okay. The important thing, though, is that the intent is to treat the medical condition and the resultant infertility is an unintended side effect.

That, admittedly, doesn’t seem to be the case here. I would still suggest speaking to a priest and maybe checking out the link I provided for confirmation and guidance.

Yes I of all people know this…lol! I had umpteen threads on this over the past year here on CAF. I had an actual medical illness that failed all other treatments.

The OP is wanting an allowance to contracept. She doesn’t have an actual medical problem that the pill is actually treating. So let’s not confuse this situation here.

 

[merny]

Well, it’s either a big deal or it’s not. If you can handle it when you need to, then you could if you got pregnant.

You can’t have it both ways.

Well, it is a big giant deal, but I’m not uneducated enough to let things get worse, and prefer to catch things early when the treatments aren’t as terrifying. And as I said, I’ve never had to deal with anything big; pregnancy definitely fits in the that box in my brain. Please don’t casually dismiss what is a struggle for me unless you want to hold my hand next time I’m sobbing at the doctor’s office.

What triggers my phobia with pregnancy? Pretty much everything. Pregnancy opens you up to a whole slew of possible medical complications, and is a completely medical endeavor, even if it goes as normally as possible. Ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, morning sickness, discharges and spotting, weird movement sensations, round ligament pain, high blood pressure, preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, placental abruption, swollen feet, preterm labor, false labor, labor, tearing, blood tests, mucous plugs, c-sections, mastitis, the list goes on.

I’m not looking for an excuse to sin. Believe it or not, we’re really trying to be godly and follow Christ in love. I just struggle to understand why giving birth seems to be the epitome of a married Catholic woman, when I thought parenthood and family was how marriage reflects the Trinity. We want those things. I feel frustrated that if my body was broken, we would be embraced, but since it’s only my brain, we’re sinning.

 

[Usige]

Unfortunately your priest has let you down. Primacy of conscience is never a license to sin. Pope Paul VI made it very clear that a need to avoid pregnancy does not allow for illicit means of achieving those ends. Use of contraceptives for the express purpose of avoiding pregnancy is grave matter and never licit for that purpose. If your phobia makes it impossible to consider getting pregnant then periodic or total abstinence is the only choice.

Even when medical treatment allows for the use of birth control, it must be to treat an underlying condition without the principal intent of preventing pregnancy. In effect rendering the marital act steril should be an unfortunate side effect of treating a condition, not it’s primary goal.

I pray for those entrusted with the care of souls when they so clearly put the soul of their charges at risk like this.

 

[ThePCWife]

So how will you handle a failure of the Pill? And why are the hormonal changes of the Pill not anxiety inducing to you? Pregnancy can increase anxiety, but it can also cause hormonal changes that reduce anxiety. It’s hardly a guarantee, and neither is the Pill.

I am not saying you need to get pregnant. I am saying that maybe different medication and NFP would be worth considering.

 

[pensmama87]

So how will you handle a failure of the Pill? And why are the hormonal changes of the Pill not anxiety inducing to you? Pregnancy can increase anxiety, but it can also cause hormonal changes that reduce anxiety. It’s hardly a guarantee, and neither is the Pill.

I am not saying you need to get pregnant. I am saying that maybe different medication and NFP would be worth considering.

Right. The only guarantee of avoiding pregnancy is abstinence.

I think adoption is admirable and I don’t wish to dismiss your fears. But these are issues you need to address with a competent therapist.

 

[Allegra]

I also feel that it seems wrong, even, to pursue countless hours of therapy to overcome this fear, when there are children that need homes and we have such open hearts.
.

Don’t you think there is any other possible situation where you might be compelled to seek long-term medical treatment other than prenatal care? I would hardly consider treating a medical phobia to be a waste of time, regardless of whether or not you ever have children.

Anyway, contraception is never moral. What you are thinking of are situations where the woman is using a drug that causes infertility, but she is using it fa non-contraceptive, medical purpose.

 

[QuestLove]

Hello,

I have a question about birth control. I have a strong medical phobia and, although I have had counseling for it, cannot stand the idea of pregnancy and childbirth. I can barely get a simple blood test without major anxiety for days beforehand. However, even before I knew I had a medical phobia, I felt called to adoption. My family has known since I was a tween that I wanted to adopt children, and I told my now-husband about that desire very early on in our relationship. He has been more than supportive with both my fear and our plans to adopt. I always felt that maybe God gave me a phobia as insurance that I follow my heart for adoption, and the fact that my husband unquestioningly jumped on-board with the adoption idea has been an incredible blessing for us both and has always felt like further evidence that God has this other plan for us.

Anyways, when I started dating I was not a Catholic, but I converted before we married. We did not have sex before marriage and do indeed believe that sex is something sacred. When I was considering Catholicism, I told the priest that it is a struggle for me to convert because I know I do not want biological kids and could use birth control “guilt free” as a Protestant but would suddenly be sinning as a Catholic in that situation. He told me about the supremacy of conscience, and basically said that we needed to seriously learn about the Church’s teachings on the Theology of the Body/contraception and would need to be willing to “stand naked before God” with our actions if we still chose to use contraception. He was not condemning, and left open the possibility that “fruitfulness” does not have the same definition for everyone. We desperately want to be parents and look forward to raising our children in the faith. We have been using birth control with a clear conscience and have no idea if we are fertile or not. And please understand that a phobia is not just a lack of trust in God or something. It is a full-body terror, and there is absolutely no way I could currently have unprotected sex; I’m also sure that 9 months of intense anxiety in a pregnancy would not be healthy for me or a baby (and there is no way that 9 months of bodily changes would not constantly trigger my phobia).

I guess my question is, does the Church have any other insight to give for this situation? It seems like so many of the admonitions against contraception are about selfishness and seeking pleasure only, but we don’t look at our sexuality that way at all. I love giving myself to him and knowing that he is giving himself to me. Our marriage is committed, intimate and self-sacrificial, and we are united in the joyful idea of becoming parents, just not biologically. Given that adoption is good, beautiful, and Christian, I struggle with the idea that people think we are sinning in our exclusive pursuit of that end. I prefer to allow Catholics to think we are infertile than to get into the specifics. I also feel that it seems wrong, even, to pursue countless hours of therapy to overcome this fear, when there are children that need homes and we have such open hearts.

Anyways, I’d love to hear your thoughts on our situation. I’ve heard that there are some medical exceptions for the use of birth control in the Catholic Church, but I don’t know if a phobia “qualifies” or not.

Interesting question.
I know someone like this, however, she is a non-catholic christian and so there is no obligation to have kids.
I am interested to hear how it is dealt with in a catholic setting, however.
I am very sorry to hear about your phobia, however, you are blessed with a husband who understands your fears.

 

[Xantippe]

Don’t you think there is any other possible situation where you might be compelled to seek long-term medical treatment other than prenatal care? I would hardly consider treating a medical phobia to be a waste of time, regardless of whether or not you ever have children.

Yeah, long-term, that’s the most likely outcome.