Meeting the GF's parents

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Background facts:

-My girlfriend is born on the West Coast; lives here in the Midwest.
-She has told me that she has rather oppressive, overbearing and sheltering parents. We have worked through many resentment issues.
-The family has more than 8 children, almost all are adults, but most of them are living at home. None of the siblings are married, and most just work odd-jobs in the area.
-Many of the adult siblings tend to steal my GF’s cell phone when she has visited, and send me annoying messages and bad photos taken at a variety of places, including bars and dance clubs at odd hours.

In the 12 months since we’ve dated, this is only the 2nd time my girlfriend has seen her parents. She currently is there now. We’ve discussed extensively about me visiting, but it depends on my workload. Recently, my boss gave me the green light to go out there.

I know I should meet the parents. They refuse to come out to visit her in the Midwest. I’m just apprehensive of the whole thing. My GF said a few hours before we left "You can decide if you still want to date me after you visited my parents’ in a very cheerful way.

I’m an introvert with social anxiety, and I hate having the spotlight on me. However, if I visit the family, it’s inevitable with so many people around. Those of you who are introverts can understand the thinking pattern that can arise after this.

The parents are very unhappy with the fact she chooses to live in the Midwest, and this is compounded with my GF and her siblings complaining to me how stern and rigid they are. One sister even fled and is not on speaking terms with them.

Do I suck it up, pay the airfare, and be a guest in their home? (My GF refuses to let me stay in a hotel, and has made her parents prepare a room).

Do I just stay at home, and pray her parents will visit the Midwest? (which is rather unlikely).

And, how do you introverts deal with being the center of attention among total strangers for an extended period of time?

 

[SWolf]

Background facts:

-My girlfriend is born on the West Coast; lives here in the Midwest.
-She has told me that she has rather oppressive, overbearing and sheltering parents. We have worked through many resentment issues.
-The family has more than 8 children, almost all are adults, but most of them are living at home. None of the siblings are married, and most just work odd-jobs in the area.
-Many of the adult siblings tend to steal my GF’s cell phone when she has visited, and send me annoying messages and bad photos taken at a variety of places, including bars and dance clubs at odd hours.

In the 12 months since we’ve dated, this is only the 2nd time my girlfriend has seen her parents. She currently is there now. We’ve discussed extensively about me visiting, but it depends on my workload. Recently, my boss gave me the green light to go out there.

I know I should meet the parents. They refuse to come out to visit her in the Midwest. I’m just apprehensive of the whole thing. My GF said a few hours before we left "You can decide if you still want to date me after you visited my parents’ in a very cheerful way.

I’m an introvert with social anxiety, and I hate having the spotlight on me. However, if I visit the family, it’s inevitable with so many people around. Those of you who are introverts can understand the thinking pattern that can arise after this.

The parents are very unhappy with the fact she chooses to live in the Midwest, and this is compounded with my GF and her siblings complaining to me how stern and rigid they are. One sister even fled and is not on speaking terms with them.

Do I suck it up, pay the airfare, and be a guest in their home? (My GF refuses to let me stay in a hotel, and has made her parents prepare a room).

Do I just stay at home, and pray her parents will visit the Midwest? (which is rather unlikely).

And, how do you introverts deal with being the center of attention among total strangers for an extended period of time?

If you don’t have the guts to deal with her parents, what kind of man does that make you? If you marry her, they will be your parents too. If that’s too much to handle, maybe you should reconsider the relationship.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

If you marry her, they will be your parents too.

In-laws. They don’t replace my own parents.

 

[SWolf]

In-laws. They don’t replace my own parents.

They would be your parents too.

You’re expected, rightfully, to treat them like your own family. I have showered, clothed, and changed the diaper of my incapacitated father-in-law. I have spent a week taking care of my mother in law when she got severely ill. Just because they are in-;laws does not mean they are not your family if you marry her. I get the feeling you have no idea how much your significant other’s family will affect your relationship, and the responsibilities associated with it…

 

[PolarGuy]

Swolf, your post is obnoxious. Not a very manly way to behave, I must say.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

They would be your parents too.

You’re expected, rightfully, to treat them like your own family. I have showered, clothed, and changed the diaper of my incapacitated father-in-law. I have spent a week taking care of my mother in law when she got severely ill.

Good for you. Keep in mind not everyone does or is expected to do such things for their in-laws. You’re a selfless son-in-law. Want a cookie?

And no, they are in-laws. In-laws don’t replace my biological parents. In-laws certainly are respected and loved, but no, they’re not my parents.

 

[SWolf]

Good for you. Keep in mind not everyone does or is expected to do such things for their in-laws. You’re a selfless son-in-law. Want a cookie?

Not everyone does it, but it is required of us as Catholics. You know,the entire two become one flesh thing. Hence why they become your parents too. There’s a scripture verse that states those who do not care for their parents are worse than Pagans. The point was I did nothing more than what was expected.

Meeting the parents is for when you are seriously considering marriage. It’s clear you aren’t even to the point where you know what marriage entails.

 

[PolarGuy]

Joy, your dilemma is a real one and I’ll try to offer more than the bitter “I walked 5 miles to school when I was your age…and each way was uphill!” that you just got.

Seriously, the GF’s family situation sounds extremely dysfunctional, so much so that it would try the patience of Job to walk into it. Some questions, then I’ll try to write more as I must run out:

1. How old are each of you, GF, and some of these siblings? i.e., is she the oldest, middle, what? Are you folks students; professionals; what?
2. Any known reason why they won’t visit the Midwest?
3. Does she talk to them via phone frequently? It sounds like maybe she’s on the outs with them.
4. How did the whole visit issue come up? Are you getting serious with GF and feel its the right time to do this? Did she ask if you’d come see her?

Thanks.

 

[Xantippe]

Background facts:

-My girlfriend is born on the West Coast; lives here in the Midwest.
-She has told me that she has rather oppressive, overbearing and sheltering parents. We have worked through many resentment issues.
-The family has more than 8 children, almost all are adults, but most of them are living at home. None of the siblings are married, and most just work odd-jobs in the area.
-Many of the adult siblings tend to steal my GF’s cell phone when she has visited, and send me annoying messages and bad photos taken at a variety of places, including bars and dance clubs at odd hours.

In the 12 months since we’ve dated, this is only the 2nd time my girlfriend has seen her parents. She currently is there now. We’ve discussed extensively about me visiting, but it depends on my workload. Recently, my boss gave me the green light to go out there.

I know I should meet the parents. They refuse to come out to visit her in the Midwest. I’m just apprehensive of the whole thing. My GF said a few hours before we left "You can decide if you still want to date me after you visited my parents’ in a very cheerful way.

I’m an introvert with social anxiety, and I hate having the spotlight on me. However, if I visit the family, it’s inevitable with so many people around. Those of you who are introverts can understand the thinking pattern that can arise after this.

The parents are very unhappy with the fact she chooses to live in the Midwest, and this is compounded with my GF and her siblings complaining to me how stern and rigid they are. One sister even fled and is not on speaking terms with them.

Do I suck it up, pay the airfare, and be a guest in their home? (My GF refuses to let me stay in a hotel, and has made her parents prepare a room).

Do I just stay at home, and pray her parents will visit the Midwest? (which is rather unlikely).

And, how do you introverts deal with being the center of attention among total strangers for an extended period of time?

Here are some thoughts:

1. Your girlfriend sounds like a very reasonable person, except for the no hotel thing. God gave us hotels for dealing with the sort of situation you describe.

If she’s already made arrangements, go ahead and stay with them, but I think that if they are as terrible as advertised, a hotel room may need to be a condition of your visiting the family in future.

1. It’s a sign of excellent good sense that your girlfriend found herself in the Midwest.
2. I don’t think two visits to see her parents in 12 months deserves the term “only.” That’s a lot for that kind of distance.
3. A 3-day visit is a big plenty under the circumstances.
4. If you’re serious about her, make the visit.
5. Believe it or not, you’re not going to be the center of attention. You’re not that big a deal in the life of a large family. Also, if you have your own room, you can retire to your room early if it’s all too much. Walks are nice, too. Make sure you have your own transportation and discuss possible outings with your girlfriend. Your girlfriend would probably appreciate a breather, too. Try to get out alone together at least once a day.
6. Think up stock answers to stock questions. (For example: “Are you and Suzie getting married soon?”)
7. Based on experience, I have to tell you that there’s at least a chance that the parents won’t like you and won’t accept you if you get married. That’s the bad news. The good news is that if you and your girlfriend are in agreement, that doesn’t need to matter much.
8. Don’t try too hard to please or impress. Smile, answer questions, help out, join in in games and activities, and ask people safe questions and LISTEN. Also, remember to tell your girlfriend’s parents how much you like and respect their daughter and how amazingly she’s doing in the Midwest.
9. Again, keep the visit short.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

Seriously, the GF’s family situation sounds extremely dysfunctional, so much so that it would try the patience of Job to walk into it. Some questions, then I’ll try to write more as I must run out:

1. How old are each of you, GF, and some of these siblings? i.e., is she the oldest, middle, what? Are you folks students; professionals; what?
2. Any known reason why they won’t visit the Midwest?
3. Does she talk to them via phone frequently? It sounds like maybe she’s on the outs with them.

I agree about the dysfunction.

I actually suspect that the girlfriend may have just about the perfect level of contact with her parents. But we’ll have to see what the OP says.

I’m not that surprised by the fact that they don’t visit her. Since I got married, my parents (bless their hearts) have visited me a grand total of 4 times in 17 years (one per new grandbaby, plus one bonus visit), despite being reasonably well off and having a reasonable amount of time off from work and only having three grown children. I bet the OP’s girlfriend’s parents have way better excuses.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Joy, your dilemma is a real one and I’ll try to offer more than the bitter “I walked 5 miles to school when I was your age…and each way was uphill!” that you just got.

Seriously, the GF’s family situation sounds extremely dysfunctional, so much so that it would try the patience of Job to walk into it. Some questions, then I’ll try to write more as I must run out:

1. How old are each of you, GF, and some of these siblings? i.e., is she the oldest, middle, what? Are you folks students; professionals; what?
2. Any known reason why they won’t visit the Midwest?
3. Does she talk to them via phone frequently? It sounds like maybe she’s on the outs with them.
4. How did the whole visit issue come up? Are you getting serious with GF and feel its the right time to do this? Did she ask if you’d come see her?

Thanks.

Thanks.

1. We’re in our late 20’s. She’s the 3rd-oldest. She’s a student and a full-time employee. I’m just a full-time worker.
2. They won’t visit the Midwest; they did once, got lost while driving, didn’t care for seeing people of different ethnicities and color, apparently. No desire remains to visit again.
3. She talks with her siblings on the phone frequently, but her calls to her actual parents are actually rare, and usually entail drama, arguments, and feeling hurt and bruised.
4. The issue of me visiting came up because she had to go out there for her school. I told her it depended on my job, but she went ahead and planned for me to stay with her family regardless.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Here are some thoughts:

1. Your girlfriend sounds like a very reasonable person, except for the no hotel thing. God gave us hotels for dealing with the sort of situation you describe.

If she’s already made arrangements, go ahead and stay with them, but I think that if they are as terrible as advertised, a hotel room may need to be a condition of your visiting the family in future.

1. It’s a sign of excellent good sense that your girlfriend found herself in the Midwest.
2. I don’t think two visits to see her parents in 12 months deserves the term “only.” That’s a lot for that kind of distance.
3. A 3-day visit is a big plenty under the circumstances.
4. If you’re serious about her, make the visit.
5. Believe it or not, you’re not going to be the center of attention. You’re not that big a deal in the life of a large family. Also, if you have your own room, you can retire to your room early if it’s all too much. Walks are nice, too. Make sure you have your own transportation and discuss possible outings with your girlfriend. Your girlfriend would probably appreciate a breather, too. Try to get out alone together at least once a day.
6. Think up stock answers to stock questions. (For example: “Are you and Suzie getting married soon?”)
7. Based on experience, I have to tell you that there’s at least a chance that the parents won’t like you and won’t accept you if you get married. That’s the bad news. The good news is that if you and your girlfriend are in agreement, that doesn’t need to matter much.
8. Don’t try too hard to please or impress. Smile, answer questions, help out, join in in games and activities, and ask people safe questions and LISTEN. Also, remember to tell your girlfriend’s parents how much you like and respect their daughter and how amazingly she’s doing in the Midwest.
9. Again, keep the visit short.

Best wishes!

Thank you.

Early on, I recognized her mother could like me, or not (and based on prior conversation, with my GF, I don’t think the mother is quite happy with me). I said I am happy to stay at a hotel so as to not impose on her parents. This was shot-down early.

I later said I really want to stay at a motel. This was also refused. I won’t have a car; I was promised the parents would be picking me up and dropping me off at the airport.

#9 Is also very true. I’m not going to overly-exert myself to please. I’m not like that in real-life (after many years), and only now have felt somewhat comfortable with myself. Smiling and answering questions is the way to go.

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks.

1. We’re in our late 20’s. She’s the 3rd-oldest. She’s a student and a full-time employee. I’m just a full-time worker.
2. They won’t visit the Midwest; they did once, got lost while driving, didn’t care for seeing people of different ethnicities and color, apparently. No desire remains to visit again.
3. She talks with her siblings on the phone frequently, but her calls to her actual parents are actually rare, and usually entail drama, arguments, and feeling hurt and bruised.
4. The issue of me visiting came up because she had to go out there for her school. I told her it depended on my job, but she went ahead and planned for me to stay with her family regardless.

I don’t like the fact that she is pushing this visit so hard, but I do understand that preparations for you visiting probably need to be made well in advance, considering how rigid her parents are.

Figure out what you’re going to do if your girlfriend gets into a fight with her parents in front of you. I give it a 50% chance of that happening. Better yet, talk to her in advance as to what you should do. (Hey, Suzie, let’s go for a walk!)

Also, figure out what you’re going to do if you find that you have a disagreement with them.

(I could really have used some coaching on some of this stuff myself. But, live and learn. I made a lot of mistakes as a new DIL, but we survived.)

 

[pensmama87]

Thank you.

Early on, I recognized her mother could like me, or not (and based on prior conversation, with my GF, I don’t think the mother is quite happy with me). I said I am happy to stay at a hotel so as to not impose on her parents. This was shot-down early.

I later said I really want to stay at a motel. This was also refused. I won’t have a car; I was promised the parents would be picking me up and dropping me off at the airport.

#9 Is also very true. I’m not going to overly-exert myself to please. I’m not like that in real-life (after many years), and only now have felt somewhat comfortable with myself. Smiling and answering questions is the way to go.

Unless you have reason to suspect otherwise, I’d interpret the rigidity as being your girlfriend’s attempt to make her parents as likely to approve of you (or at least not hate you) as possible. Maybe research a couple taxi companies in case you have to leave, or transit options

Having been in shoes similar to your girlfriend’s, I get the feeling the purpose of the trip is so that she can say she’s done her daughterly duty of introducing you to her parents. And while SWolf’s example may be extreme, he’s not wrong that on some level, if you end up marrying this girl, they will affect your life. I have somewhat limited contact with my family - partially intentional - but they’re still there.

 

[Xantippe]

I later said I really want to stay at a motel. This was also refused. I won’t have a car; I was promised the parents would be picking me up and dropping me off at the airport.

Not having transportation of your own is problematic, but perhaps less so for a short visit.

I’m sure you’ll do fine (especially on a short visit), but in future be more strategic about transportation. And that’s especially true if they don’t live within walking distance of anything or if the local climate is nasty.

I’m the veteran of many trips to visit my in-laws, and it took me a long time to realize that one of the reasons that it was such an unpleasant experience was that I felt trapped the whole time. I felt like I was in jail because I couldn’t go anywhere without being taken by them.

So, learn from my mistakes.

 

[Xantippe]

Unless you have reason to suspect otherwise, I’d interpret the rigidity as being your girlfriend’s attempt to make her parents as likely to approve of you (or at least not hate you) as possible. Maybe research a couple taxi companies in case you have to leave, or transit options

Having been in shoes similar to your girlfriend’s, I get the feeling the purpose of the trip is so that she can say she’s done her daughterly duty of introducing you to her parents. And while SWolf’s example may be extreme, he’s not wrong that on some level, if you end up marrying this girl, they will affect your life. I have somewhat limited contact with my family - partially intentional - but they’re still there.

Yes. I suspect that the motivation for some of the girlfriend’s rigidity may be that she really wants to make a good impression on her parents.

And I agree about the daughterly duty thing.

 

[Lou2U]

Thank you.

Early on, I recognized her mother could like me, or not (and based on prior conversation, with my GF, I don’t think the mother is quite happy with me). I said I am happy to stay at a hotel so as to not impose on her parents. This was shot-down early.

I later said I really want to stay at a motel. This was also refused. I won’t have a car; I was promised the parents would be picking me up and dropping me off at the airport.

#9 Is also very true. I’m not going to overly-exert myself to please. I’m not like that in real-life (after many years), and only now have felt somewhat comfortable with myself. Smiling and answering questions is the way to go.

Maybe ask your girlfriend to show you around where she grew up if you’re feeling too stifled? I would suggest making some plans with your girlfriend but not with her family if you need to recharge (as a fellow introvert, I know how you feel with this!). If you make any future visits, definitely get a hotel room.

If you’re worried about attention on you, ask them more questions about themselves, and try to build on that - push the attention back on them.

If you have a good book - bring it! It was my trick whenever I’d had enough of talking

Lou

 

[Lorelei12]

Personally, being rather introverted myself, I never would have stayed with my now in-laws the first time I met them. If my husband had "refused’, I would have said “Sorry, but that would make me really uncomfortable. I’m happy to come for a visit, and I want to meet your parents, but I need to stay in my own space.” That type of thing would send my anxiety through the roof, even now.

However, if it’s something you already agreed to, I’m not sure there’s a good way to back out now. If she made plans without discussing it with you, that would be something I’d want to have a conversation about, though.

I’d probably go, and try to get out as much as possible. Go to bed early when you are there so you have some alone time in your room. And bring her parents a small gift as thanks for having you stay there, even if you don’t want to be staying there to begin with.

 

[JoyIsLikeRain]

Personally, being rather introverted myself, I never would have stayed with my now in-laws the first time I met them. If my husband had "refused’, I would have said “Sorry, but that would make me really uncomfortable. I’m happy to come for a visit, and I want to meet your parents, but I need to stay in my own space.” That type of thing would send my anxiety through the roof, even now.

However, if it’s something you already agreed to, I’m not sure there’s a good way to back out now. If she made plans without discussing it with you, that would be something I’d want to have a conversation about, though.

I’d probably go, and try to get out as much as possible. Go to bed early when you are there so you have some alone time in your room. And bring her parents a small gift as thanks for having you stay there, even if you don’t want to be staying there to begin with.

Indeed, she’s doing her daughterly-duty by having her BF come to visit. Her other siblings have done that with their boyfriends (which the parents also seem to distrust).

Getting out and doing things would be the only way to escape the dysfunction under that roof.

And yes, I had thought of a gift. They don’t drink, so no wine. They don’t watch TV, so no DVDs, and they have most religious books printed in English in the last 30 years. They hate the Midwest, so nothing from my home city. Maybe a Christmas ornament (?).

 

[PolarGuy]

Gotta say – I would not go under the “terms” that seem to be in place (staying in their home and being reliant on them for transportation too). You will be completely riven unto people who seem harsh; controlling; and who seem already inclined to dislike you, all the harder if you are introverted and maybe a bit anxious to begin with.

Some thoughts:

1. A hotel room and a rental car are better choices as they let you retain a great deal more control over your situation. A burgeoning fight can be defused with, “I’d like to put gas in the rental car;” you can come and go as you please; you can offer to go pick up bagels or whatever; etc. I am a huge proponent of “keeping control of your environment.” You will lose all control over your environment if you stay in their home and need to rely on them for basic transportation too. Further, “I’m getting a hotel and a car” is a subtle way of saying “I’m an adult and a professional and I’m in charge of this visit, not you.” It also let you get some alone time with GF which they may be opposed to.

1a. Without a car – what will you do when dad starts an argument with you? Says something unkind to you? To GF? You will have no option other than to either defend yourself (and it’ll be like 8 against 1; see below) or grin and bear it.

1. I am inclined to dislike the whole family from the outset: The parents sound like rigid nasties and “adult kids who live at home and do odd jobs” sound like complete ne’er-do-wells. The parents sound like they run a little fiefdom and expect and get complete fealty from the loser kids. GF sounds like the achiever and she’s sort of fled. Although I agree with Xantippe on almost all things, I disagree over 1 item: You can absolutely expect to be the center of all their attention and I mean all their collective attention. Heck, something like this may never have happened before for them.
2. The parents seem inclined to dislike you. I’m sorry but that seems a reality. So…why be so reliant on them?

If you want to get a hotel and a car, by all means go, and otherwise I’d second Xantippe’s post.