Meeting the GF's parents

[UbiCaritas]

Very nice!

Compliments are important.

“What a pretty Nativity, Mrs. Snodgrass!” “It smells wonderful!”

Oh, and here’s another minefield. Figure out in advance what the GF’s parents want to be called by you–first name or Mr./Mrs… And then do whatever they suggest. This is potentially a very awkward area, so figure this out now.

That’s true even when things between you are great.

I remember asking DH, once we were married, to find out what he wanted me to call his parents. I was fine with “Mom and Dad,” as he does (up 'til then it had been Mr. and Mrs. Lastname). He didn’t quite understand, and promptly asked his mom in front of me what she wanted me to call her, leading to an awkward “ummm, whatever you’re comfortable with, how about Firstname?” moment.

 

[Xantippe]

That’s true even when things between you are great.

I remember asking DH, once we were married, to find out what he wanted me to call his parents. I was fine with “Mom and Dad,” as he does (up 'til then it had been Mr. and Mrs. Lastname). He didn’t quite understand, and promptly asked his mom in front of me what she wanted me to call her, leading to an awkward “ummm, whatever you’re comfortable with, how about Firstname?” moment.

That’s not the worst possible outcome.

I had a linguistics teacher mention that it’s very common for children-in-law to have to “no name” parents-in-law because they never settled the issue. I kind of do that (with a sprinkling of Mr. and Mrs.). My MIL signs her notes to me “mom.” I have a mom already and I’d do practically anything moral to avoid having to call my MIL “mom.”

 

[UbiCaritas]

That’s not the worst possible outcome.

I had a linguistics teacher mention that it’s very common for children-in-law to have to “no name” parents-in-law because they never settled the issue. I kind of do that (with a sprinkling of Mr. and Mrs.). My MIL signs her notes to me “mom.” I have a mom already and I’d do practically anything moral to avoid having to call my MIL “mom.”

I finally decided in the case of more extended relatives to do as DH does. The one spot of awkwardness other than the MIL scenario (which, as you say, could have been rather worse) was with one set of grandparents, who kindly settled the matter by signing off with their full names on correspondence pre-marriage, and the family name for grandparents afterwards, letting me know subtly which they preferred when. Delightfully easy!

 

[styrgwillidar]

Swolf did have a point. Assuming you’re discerning marriage with your girlfriend- family does become a part of it all. You will be dealing with these folks all your life.

Talk about awkward-- after getting divorced I take the kids to visit their grandparents (my ex in-laws), they took to introducing me as their son to acquaintances/neighbors to avoid talking about their daughter and why she and they weren’t speaking.

 

[Xantippe]

Swolf did have a point. Assuming you’re discerning marriage with your girlfriend- family does become a part of it all. You will be dealing with these folks all your life.

Talk about awkward-- after getting divorced I take the kids to visit their grandparents (my ex in-laws), they took to introducing me as their son to acquaintances/neighbors to avoid talking about their daughter and why she and they weren’t speaking.

My oh my!

 

[UbiCaritas]

Swolf did have a point. Assuming you’re discerning marriage with your girlfriend- family does become a part of it all. You will be dealing with these folks all your life.

Talk about awkward-- after getting divorced I take the kids to visit their grandparents (my ex in-laws), they took to introducing me as their son to acquaintances/neighbors to avoid talking about their daughter and why she and they weren’t speaking.

Possibly. Possibly not. Depends on the level of contact.

After our marriage, DH and I decided to cut ties altogether with my parents. We don’t need that level of dysfunction in our lives, and our kids deserve to grow up unafraid of what people in positions they should be able to respect might do.

I grant that it’s an extreme example, but it’s not unheard-of for people with really out-there parents to decide that severely limiting contact (or, as in our case, cutting it entirely) is the best possible decision for all involved, especially when kids become a possibility or a reality.

 

[Xantippe]

Possibly. Possibly not. Depends on the level of contact.

After our marriage, DH and I decided to cut ties altogether with my parents. We don’t need that level of dysfunction in our lives, and our kids deserve to grow up unafraid of what people in positions they should be able to respect might do.

I grant that it’s an extreme example, but it’s not unheard-of for people with really out-there parents to decide that severely limiting contact (or, as in our case, cutting it entirely) is the best possible decision for all involved, especially when kids become a possibility or a reality.

Right. It really does depend on the GF.

 

[pensmama87]

That’s not the worst possible outcome.

I had a linguistics teacher mention that it’s very common for children-in-law to have to “no name” parents-in-law because they never settled the issue. I kind of do that (with a sprinkling of Mr. and Mrs.). My MIL signs her notes to me “mom.” I have a mom already and I’d do practically anything moral to avoid having to call my MIL “mom.”

My dad had that issue. Then I came along and he started calling them “Grandma and Grandpa.” My mom’s parents are lovely people, but he’s never felt comfortable calling them by their first names (likely because he’s known them since he was a kid.) To his credit, I never noticed until my mom pointed it out to me.

(He also calls his parents by their first names, which is very weird.)

 

[Xantippe]

My dad had that issue. Then I came along and he started calling them “Grandma and Grandpa.”

I forgot that option–I do that, too.

 

[nodito]

I’m not discounting your girlfriends stories about her family. But I think you should err on the side of charity towards these people until you meet them in person. Even i had the capacity to make my own mother sound like Hilda the wicked witch of the west…it wasn’t through age, marriage, motherhood that I started to view my mother with more charitable lenses…

This is good advice. Before I met her, my then boyfirned described his mother as “religious and strict,” which left a great deal to the imagination. I envisioned a ruler-wielding crazy church lady. I can recall one particularly vivid nightmare about her the night before she arrived on campus to meet us. As it turns out, she is religious, and she is more strict and more of a disciplinarian as she’s raising her kids than a lot of other parents probably are, but she is also just lovely. She is sweet and kind and thoughtful and helpful and I really hit the in-law jackpot by marrying her son.

Ask your girlfriend to reconsider “allowing” you to stay at a hotel. You can sell it to her parents like you got a great deal on hotwire, or maybe your parents decided help foot the bill as a Christmas gift.

 

[maryjk]

I’m not discounting your girlfriends stories about her family. But I think you should err on the side of charity towards these people until you meet them in person. Even i had the capacity to make my own mother sound like Hilda the wicked witch of the west…it wasn’t through age, marriage, motherhood that I started to view my mother with more charitable lenses…

I totally agree.

Just remember, everything your gf says about her parents are run through her filter first.

Also remember, that these people raised her. You will get some great insights into how she ticks, by watching them.

 

[EasterJoy]

The parents don’t drink, and they kicked-out one of their kids for drinking. Thus, I won’t be drinking. Just smile and nod.

That’s fine. Eat what you are offered when it is offered, sleep where you’re told to sleep, and do what you can to help your girlfriend relax.

That is the ball to keep your eye on: How is she doing? What does she want me to be doing? How can I make this easier on her? This will help you to keep your mind off of yourself, too.

If you happen to like her parents, fine, but your girfriend is not going to be moving you anywhere NEAR her parents. Your job is to look out for her during this trip. Do that instead of worrying about yourself, and don’t worry about her parents except when it has an impact on her. The two of you will survive this, and she’ll be grateful for your support.

 

[EasterJoy]

Swolf did have a point. Assuming you’re discerning marriage with your girlfriend- family does become a part of it all. You will be dealing with these folks all your life.

Excepting when they go into a decline, the OP will be dealing with them from a good distance. It is just as well he does not cultivate too much of a fondness for them. Patience and kindness will suffice; he does not have to have any particular opinion of them, one way or the other.

The girlfriend’s warnings ought to be heeded simply because the girlfriend ought to be headed. She needs to know the OP takes her seriously, rather than with a grain of salt. While I agree that it is unwise to make any rash judgments, there is no good to be achieved in getting too much into a frank assessment of whether she is “right about them” or not. They are her parents; let her decide how she wants to deal with them.

 

[Millie123]

The girlfriend’s warnings ought to be heeded simply because the girlfriend ought to be headed…

I sort of disagree with this statement…if we’re talking about marriage where this is a relationship of husband and wife then I would agree with you more, or even an engaged couple. But being as this relationship is that of bf/gf, not even engaged yet, then I really can’t find myself to agree with this sentiment.

If I had a boyfriend who unilaterally made the decision for me to come across the country to meet his parents, when I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. Then unilaterally told me that he is making his parents prepare a room for me…no exceptions, even after I told him that I did not feel comfortable with staying with his family. I, as a girlfriend, most definitely would have trouble “heeding” my boyfriend.

 

[EasterJoy]

I sort of disagree with this statement…if we’re talking about marriage where this is a relationship of husband and wife then I would agree with you more, or even an engaged couple. But being as this relationship is that of bf/gf, not even engaged yet, then I really can’t find myself to agree with this sentiment.

If I had a boyfriend who unilaterally made the decision for me to come across the country to meet his parents, when I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. Then unilaterally told me that he is making his parents prepare a room for me…no exceptions, even after I told him that I did not feel comfortable with staying with his family. I, as a girlfriend, most definitely would have trouble “heeding” my boyfriend.

Let’s just look at the alternative. You go to meet the parents of a friend–any friend–and you don’t believe what this friend tried to tell you ahead of time. Yes, you can express a little bit of skepticism, but if you don’t heed the friend at all, the friend is going to be more than a little bit hurt. You will have taken sides, and not the right side, either.

The OP has the relationship with the girlfriend. He doesn’t have to take every word she says at face value, but he’d better not just blow it off, either. That would be rude. That is what I mean by needing to “heed” what she says. He has to take her concerns seriously.

 

[Aggie414]

I haven’t read all the replies, but here’s what I’d do:

I’d go meet the parents, but I’d stay in a hotel – that would be non-negotiable for me. I do not like staying at someone’s house that I don’t know well. It’s just not comfortable for me. Add to that the stress of the family dynamics already present, it would leave me a basket case by the end of the trip.

That way you can spend time with her parents but have a “safe” place to decompress at the end of the day.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Background facts:

-My girlfriend is born on the West Coast; lives here in the Midwest.
-She has told me that she has rather oppressive, overbearing and sheltering parents. We have worked through many resentment issues. So you already have a bad impression of them
-The family has more than 8 children, almost all are adults, but most of them are living at home. None of the siblings are married, and most just work odd-jobs in the area.
-Many of the adult siblings tend to steal my GF’s cell phone when she has visited, and send me annoying messages and bad photos taken at a variety of places, including bars and dance clubs at odd hours. So the siblings are acting immature and giving you the impression that your girlfriend is also immature by hanging out at bars?

In the 12 months since we’ve dated, this is only the 2nd time my girlfriend has seen her parents. She currently is there now. We’ve discussed extensively about me visiting, but it depends on my workload. Recently, my boss gave me the green light to go out there.** 12 monthsis high time to meet the parents**

I know I should meet the parents. They refuse to come out to visit her in the Midwest. I’m just apprehensive of the whole thing. My GF said a few hours before we left "You can decide if you still want to date me after you visited my parents’ in a very cheerful way.She’s giving you the opportunity to decide for yourself if you would want to be a part of this extended family some day, this could be a marriage deal breaker depending on how she** interacts with her family

I’m an introvert with social anxiety, and I hate having the spotlight on me. However, if I visit the family, it’s inevitable with so many people around. Those of you who are introverts can understand the thinking pattern that can arise after this. I am an introvert too, so I get that you can’t control how you feel when you have too much interaction but you can limit the interaction, if they don’t like that it’s their problem

The parents are very unhappy with the fact she chooses to live in the Midwest, and this is compounded with my GF and her siblings complaining to me how stern and rigid they are. One sister even fled and is not on speaking terms with them. Parents can be like this, would you be thrilled to have your child so far away?They will accept it eventually, them have t , no choice

Do I suck it up, pay the airfare, and be a guest in their home? (My GF refuses to let me stay in a hotel, and has made her parents prepare a room).I don’t think that introverts should be a guest in anybodies home until they get to know them better.

Do I just stay at home, and pray her parents will visit the Midwest? (which is rather unlikely).*It’st really is your place to go and meet the parents, kinda old fashioned but it works *

And, how do you introverts deal with being the center of attention among total strangers for an extended period of time?

They don’t, they take long breaks in between, walks, private important phone calls, bathroom breaks, naps etc., again they may find this odd but that just you and they will have to get used to you

It’s extremely hard for an introvert to deal with a group all at once.

Do get a hotel. Do rent a car even if you have to save up for this. Do try to talk to each sibling individually. Try to have small conversations with the dad and be complementary to the mom. Bring a gift(s). Try to find out a few likes and dislikes of each member before you go. Be honest but don’t give too many personal opinions, we introverts have a lot of personal opinions because we think so much about things.Make the first visit as short as possible.
I feel for you buddy, I’d rather have my wisdom teeth removed that do what you are going to do but it’s just one of those crosses we introverts have to bear.

Mother Theresa was an introvert. It gave me great consolation to read that she had great difficulty making public appearances and especially speeches. She had to pray fervently to the Holy Spirit to help her with these tasks, which apparently He did. This is saint making stuff buddy. I hope this helps.

 

[EasterJoy]

Let’s back up…

Many of the adult siblings tend to steal my GF’s cell phone when she has visited, and send me annoying messages and bad photos taken at a variety of places, including bars and dance clubs at odd hours.

That might be a prank, and maybe that was tattling. Let it go.

In the 12 months since we’ve dated, this is only the 2nd time my girlfriend has seen her parents…My GF said a few hours before we left "You can decide if you still want to date me after you visited my parents’ in a very cheerful way.

She is probably being overly worried over nothing, but that woman is whistling past the graveyard.

I’m an introvert with social anxiety, and I hate having the spotlight on me. However, if I visit the family, it’s inevitable with so many people around…My GF refuses to let me stay in a hotel, and has made her parents prepare a room…

You are a grown up. Tell your girlfriend that you are offering her only two choices:

1. You come, but you will sleep in a hotel and rent a car so you can feel at ease. It costs money, but I bet you will not mind shelling out the money to come and go as you please and sleep off-premises, will you?

or

1. You can stay at home and she can live with not having you visit at this particular juncture.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You are a grown up. Tell your girlfriend that you are offering her only two choices:

1. You come, but you will sleep in a hotel and rent a car so you can feel at ease. It costs money, but I bet you will not mind shelling out the money to come and go as you please and sleep off-premises, will you?

or

1. You can stay at home and she can live with not having you visit at this particular juncture.

Good advice.