Members of CAF who are/were gay, homosexual, or SSA now living Chastely

[Mustang1971]

Michelleds I am not sure how I missed this topic. I will go ahead and put my story out there. Well I am in my 40s and SSA. I was baptized Catholic, but not raised Catholic. I entered the Church in my late 20s. Always had a feeling of being a bit different and while I had lots of friends growing up and still do, I always feel like I do not fit in. One way I could describe it, is like when you were a child and you were stuck in the house while you were sick. You look outside and see all the other kids having fun and playing and you are stuck inside. Just a very lonely and isolated feeling.

I knew I was attracted to my own sex somewhat early on. So for the most part it was not a big deal until the teen years. I caught a bit of a break in the fact a lot of my friends did not date right away. It was towards the end of high school and college when my friends really started dating. That is when it started to be driven home that I was not the same. I was not going out on dates and everyone else was finding someone. I was worried that everyone would start asking questions, luckily they did not. I had a bit of a hard time moving on to the next phase of life, towards the end of high school, my friends were dating and spending more time with their girlfriends and I was still trying to cling to what was left of the “old ways”. Finally I realized that things had changed and there was no going back so I started making new friends in college and got involved with a whole new group of friends.

Unfortunately I found all the porn I could ever handle on the Internet. So I started viewing porn on a regular basis and of course that lead to another sin. I was hanging out with my gay friends and hitting the gay bars. I have OCD and that manifested itself as a fear of contamination. Basically I was afraid of catching a disease, especially aids. Of course this is a very real concern, but it was really amplified by the OCD. So I sort of lived the SSA side of me through everyone else. I would fantasize about what life could be like and I would retreat to the world of porn. Well this went on for many years and it was not healthy at all. I guess it was just my way of making it through. A few years back I was becoming extremely unhappy and always had a feeling of whats the point. I was also becoming more and more selfish. I would always help others out and after a while I was turning more and more inward and starting to just see others as always having their hands out for something. I now see how viewing porn and impure actions with myself really was destroying me.

Well a few years ago, scrupulosity completely took over. I became very fearful of God. Also with my ongoing problems with chastity I was falling into sin all the time. I was afraid that if I died I would go to Hell. The scrupulosity did have a positive outcome. It really forced me to dig deeper into my faith and it brought me closer to God. That fear of Hell gave me the necessary strength and courage to start changing my life.

There were many mornings where I dreaded getting out of bed. I knew what was ahead. The day would be filled with fears and worries about sin and all the temptations of impure thoughts, temptations to view porn, etc. Then there was the very difficult task of changing my life. Sex had become a very big part of my life, even though I was not actually having any! I guess it had become a obsession. So it was almost like a huge part of me was now gone. I could no longer do what I used to do. Slowly I started to learn how to live life again. I was learning how to be pure of heart and mind. I am still in that process. As time passes I grow a bit stronger in fighting these temptations.

I still fight the urge to view porn and I still fall from time to time to a certain impure action. I never realized how much damage all of this had done to me. Now I am trying to clean things up, I really see what had been done.

I struggle to live according to the teachings of our Church. There are days where I am at peace with everything. I accept who I am and understand what I need to do. Then there are other days that it is a battle. Just the temptations to give up and find someone. I keep reminding myself that the few years that we are here on Earth are nothing compared to eternity. I really do not want to risk being separated from God forever over a few flings in the bed.

That is the overall highlights of my story and I guess also a warning of the damage that one can do to themselves!

 

[Mustang1971]

Holyghost, welcome home to the Church and congratulations on being clean for 2 years!

I think a lot of people are easier on other sins, since they understand them and are tempted by a lot of these sins themselves. Not many people are tempted by same sex attractions and I don’t think they really understand either. That is why you will hear people say things like it is a choice, really??? Why would I choose this!

 

[holyghost]

I struggle to live according to the teachings of our Church. There are days where I am at peace with everything. I accept who I am and understand what I need to do. Then there are other days that it is a battle. Just the temptations to give up and find someone. I keep reminding myself that the few years that we are here on Earth are nothing compared to eternity. I really do not want to risk being separated from God forever over a few flings in the bed.

Thanks for your story…and for this paragraph. Its pretty much right where I am at too; it certainly takes a lot of faith to be able to see our lives in the scope of eternity with God. I think a lot of what this all comes down to is the common struggle with faith…

 

[JackQ]

I guess I belong on this thread too.

I am a male in my twenties who struggles with same-sex attraction. I am not out to anyone, family or friends. I come from a large Catholic family and my parents would be absolutely devastated to learn of this. I fear that it may even drive my father to ending his life, he already suffers with depression and this would just tip him over the edge.

My story has some unique (possibly) aspects to it that I am afraid to post on here for fear of someone reading it and realizing who I am. I know this may seem strange but would make sense if you knew what i was talking about. If you message me I can tell you my story.

All I can say for now is that I am chaste and am trying desperately to live a good and holy life. I have a lot of confusion about my feelings, where they come from, what I’m supposed to do with them etc. They are making me very miserable. Coming out is just not an option for me, I would lose everyone.

From the outside I seem like a very happy and successful individual, many people would think that I am living a carefree life. I do love life and people and new experiences and I come across as a very positive and energetic person. It’s not a front, I know that that is who I am but I also have this inner turmoil that nobody can see. My biggest fear is that when all this comes out it will ruin me. I don’t know what i’ll do then.My other problem is that I do get a lot of attention from girls and could easily be in a relationship. There is a strong emphasis on marriage in my family, i’m sure people are wondering what’s going on.

I used to be able to get on with these emotions and never think about them too much, but something happened in my life a few months ago and now they are all I can think about. Literally. First thing in the morning, last thing at night. They are what led me to CAF to try and find answers.

I know this isn’t much of my personal story more my current feelings. Sorry. I’ve posted on other threads and while some people I found helpful and encouraging, others I found just wanted all of this debate and arguing back and pretty much trying to make out that this struggle maybe isn’t as bad as it seems and there are other just as bad/worse so “deal with it”. It made my head hurt. I know to them I might’ve sounded like whiney pain in the *** but I can’t help that this is how I’m feeling right now and I really didn’t know where else to turn.

I continue to pray and seek peace.

God bless you, sir. I can’t imagine what you are going through.

I know you have your personal reasons for handling this the way you are, but I have some thoughts that may be of some good use.

You do realize that having same sex attraction isn’t a sin, only acting on it is. Because of that I have to point out that sunlight is a great disinfectant. There should be no shame in your becoming quite open about your situation. People just might be more understanding than you realize, and you may serve as an inspiration for those who are going through the same thing.

I will pray for you.

 

[Elizabeth502]

I find these biographies both inspiring and humbling. As I posted elsewhere, those who have an undeniable impediment in their life – addiction to gambling, porn, alcohol, a homosexual lifestyle – which requires one to make some radical choices, have an opportunity for sanctity that most other people can conveniently skirt without uncomfortable self-evaluation. The other vices (the Capital Sins) are more easily ignored, giving us the illusion that we don’t have anything “important” to combat in the spiritual life. But in fact we may be as enslaved to pride or greed or anger or envy as others are to these more visible vices.

Thank you for the courage to post these stories.

 

[Mustang1971]

Thanks for your story…and for this paragraph. Its pretty much right where I am at too; it certainly takes a lot of faith to be able to see our lives in the scope of eternity with God. I think a lot of what this all comes down to is the common struggle with faith…

You are welcome! I know it took much suffering on my part to finally start to realize it was not about this life, but the next. I look back and see how fast 40 years of my life have gone by, it gives me a bit of a warning that in the future that will probably hold true also.

When you do look through the lens of eternity, suddenly it does not matter what kind of car you drive or how big your house is, etc, suddenly all of that does not mean as much. I look back at things that once were important to me, now they don’t mean much. That car I wanted, now old and ready for the scrap yard!

 

[Mustang1971]

Elizabeth502 you make a very good point! I also try to remember there are a lot of people out there who suffer much more than I do. I still do fall into self-pity but that is when I try to think of my blessings.

 

[Elizabeth502]

Elizabeth502 you make a very good point! I also try to remember there are a lot of people out there who suffer much more than I do. I still do fall into self-pity but that is when I try to think of my blessings.

Brother, I hope you didn’t misunderstand me. I was not putting you into a self-pity category but rather acknowledging that the spiritual journey is often not undertaken by those whose afflictions do not seem (externally, visibly) to “demand” radical transformation. (We are all called to radical transformation, which involves descending into that “hell” which I believe you described well and which is paralleled in anyone who has the courage to face his or her own demons, of which we each have many.) Too few of us engage in that radical transformation.

I did not take your post to be an exaggeration but a forthright and honest narration.

 

[Mustang1971]

Elizabeth502, I am very sorry! No I did not think you were saying I was giving into self-pity. If I made you think I misunderstood you, I am very sorry. . That was my fault, I linked two different thoughts in the one post. You had a very excellent point and thinking about it got me thinking about how we all have a cross to carry in this life. Some are heavier than others, but God does provide us with the necessary graces!

I think sometimes it takes something major to jar us out of our complacency. I know I was going along in my ignorance of a lot of Catholic teaching. It is funny, I knew I was unhappy but I also thought I was leading a decent Christian life! I knew I had my trouble spots, but I guess I thought, well I go to confession, I go to Mass, therefore I am a good Catholic! I forgot that part about really trying to LIVE our faith!

May God Bless you Elizabeth!

 

[Elizabeth502]

Elizabeth502, I am very sorry! No I did not think you were saying I was giving into self-pity. If I made you think I misunderstood you, I am very sorry. . That was my fault, I linked two different thoughts in the one post. You had a very excellent point and thinking about it got me thinking about how we all have a cross to carry in this life. Some are heavier than others, but God does provide us with the necessary graces!

Absolutely no apology will be entertained because none is necessary, as nothing offensive was said. I agree, though, that there are two different strands: one is the subjective experience of suffering, which is impossible to compare with anyone else’s suffering (for all of us, not more so for you): I cannot know who suffers “the same,” “more,” or “less” than I do, because by definition suffering is exclusive to the individual, even supposedly “identical” experiences (death, divorce, addiction to a certain substance). I think that you rightly understand that; I am not confused about that. We may have similarities in our trials and griefs; and in addition, we may be able to empathize with those whose experiences we do not share – depending on our level of sensitivity and compassion. But any comparative “level” of suffering is, as I can see you understand, is a meaningless term between and among individuals.

I do think, though, that something objectively true can be stated, and it is what you state here, which I’ll underline:

I think sometimes it takes something major to jar us out of our complacency. I know I was going along in my ignorance of a lot of Catholic teaching. It is funny, I knew I was unhappy but I also thought I was leading a decent Christian life! I knew I had my trouble spots, but I guess I thought, well I go to confession, I go to Mass, therefore I am a good Catholic! I forgot that part about really trying to LIVE our faith!

My point exactly. And most people, lacking severe and serious crises, do not “really live the faith,” although I think many of us try intermittently to re-dedicate ourselves, but then retreat into our individual comfort zones if there is nothing to startle us out of that zone.

May God Bless you Elizabeth!

And you, brother.

 

[falseprophet]

I Hate to tell you this but your god is not real

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[mitex]

You can be gay and live Chastely.

There’s this lie on here that in order for one to be celibate you can’t call yourself gay or a homosexual.

Because even if you disidentify from a gay identity you’re still a homosexual. You just got a different sexual identity. But fundamentally you’re homosexual. Nothing will change that (not even NARTH)!

Believe me when I was in RCIA I spent six months in Courage and NARTH. Nothing changed.

They don’t accept gay and celibate. You have to wallow in self-misery as an ex-gay. You can’t have any contact with other gay people because its bad.

I much prefer the Los Angeles diocese approach

Incidentally other than Fr. James Martin they were the only ones to back anti-bullying initiatives and hate crimes laws. The hierarchy claims “All unjust discrimination is wrong.”

But they are always silent.

 

[maria_teresa]

You can be gay and live Chastely.

There’s this lie on here that in order for one to be celibate you can’t call yourself gay or a homosexual.

Because even if you disidentify from a gay identity you’re still a homosexual. You just got a different sexual identity. But fundamentally you’re homosexual. Nothing will change that (not even NARTH)!

Believe me when I was in RCIA I spent six months in Courage and NARTH. Nothing changed.

They don’t accept gay and celibate. You have to wallow in self-misery as an ex-gay. You can’t have any contact with other gay people because its bad.

I much prefer the Los Angeles diocese approach

Incidentally other than Fr. James Martin they were the only ones to back anti-bullying initiatives and hate crimes laws. The hierarchy claims “All unjust discrimination is wrong.”

But they are always silent.

I think,mitex, much of what you’ve said above is absolutely spot-on. Until the Church officially recognizes a homosexual as a Saint, much of what She speaks is only lip-service. At the beatification of Blessed John Henry Cardinal Newman, no mention was made of his 32+ years of living with Father Ambrose St. John, nor his wish (which was fulfilled) to be buried next to him. This would have been a perfect opportunity to recognize openly to the world that deep, chaste ‘disinterested’ love has been/is possible. A perfect opportunity for the Church to demonstrate to the world, the supposed love that they have for homosexuals. Unless the Church ‘walks the talk’, Her outreach to homosexuals remains empty of meaning.

I am an older, gay woman not in a relationship. I choose not to be in a same gender sexual relationship, because I do not believe that is loving myself, as Christ loves me. That has not always been the case, by any means. However, the Church was never there to hold my hand; to accept me as I was, to offer hope when there was none. That came via a lot of hardship and heartache. I would have to have been absolutely crazy to come out to any priest as a homosexual.

That being said, I find no comfort from the Church, at all; except, in my personal relationship with Our Lord and Our Lady. The Church sees homosexuals as ‘disordered’, and I might add, not just in our sexuality. I have never, ever seen any article concerning same sex attraction that speaks of homosexuals as people that bring gifts to the Church. It seems an impossibility to the hierarchy that a homosexual has any gifts … we have a ‘disorder’: that’s the main focus.

Thankfully, the Church is Our Lord’s.

 

[Elizabeth502]

The Church sees homosexuals as ‘disordered’, and I might add, not just in our sexuality. I have never, ever seen any article concerning same sex attraction that speaks of homosexuals as people that bring gifts to the Church. It seems an impossibility to the hierarchy that a homosexual has any gifts … we have a ‘disorder’: that’s the main focus.

Then you obviously haven’t read widely enough, because I have read articles, including those simply published within parishes, which speak of such unique gifts. And anyone who truly understands the Catholic world view and who has been educated deeply in that would be able to see, unless that person chose not to see it, that every human being is brought into the world with gifts, and for a purpose ordained by God. That is fixed Catholic theology. That does not mean that all particular behaviors and inclinations are ordained by God, but that the sum of the personality is cherished by God, including if that person has Down’s syndrome or whatever.

And in concert with that, anyone who has read the book Brain Sex, and integrated that within Catholic theology above, would see the Divine Plan in the variations within the human spectrum, male and female, and how that “works” to produce differently capable and functioning persons, even within the radical categories of male and female.

 

[maria_teresa]

Then you obviously haven’t read widely enough, because I have read articles, including those simply published within parishes, which speak of such unique gifts. And anyone who truly understands the Catholic world view and who has been educated deeply in that would be able to see, unless that person chose not to see it, that every human being is brought into the world with gifts, and for a purpose ordained by God. That is fixed Catholic theology. That does not mean that all particular behaviors and inclinations are ordained by God, but that the sum of the personality is cherished by God, including if that person has Down’s syndrome or whatever.

And in concert with that, anyone who has read the book Brain Sex, and integrated that within Catholic theology above, would see the Divine Plan in the variations within the human spectrum, male and female, and how that “works” to produce differently capable and functioning persons, even within the radical categories of male and female.

Thank you for responding, Elizabeth502. Being gay, I have read widely, very widely concerning the Church’s statements, from many levels. When ‘Real Catholic TV’ and Christian Essays came out with a rather stunning view about homosexuals and what they could bring to the Church, they were widely condemned, all around, for such a view. Of course, I can’t read every document, from every parish. Additionally, being gay, I search for documents that in some way, any way, could reflect Our Lord’s love for us … and, not just saying those words, but giving meaning by substantive explanation. I have to agree with ‘mitex’ that Diocese of Los Angeles statement to homosexuals concerning Prop. 8 was one that spoke to us with dignity and respect, without the ‘disorder’ mantra.

I imagine, I am quite a bit older than you (just an assumption). I’ve lived through the period of time before Stonewall; and, of course, now. So, I know intimately the Church, and her teachings, having read Catholic history, many Encyclicals, the CCC, the older Roman Catechism, and was once associated with the attending SSPX Masses. If anyone knows Catholic doctrine, without being immodest, I do.

I find it somewhat odd that you would bring up Down’s Syndrome in a discussion of homosexuality. Why would you choose to pick a mental handicap in this discussion? I suspect, it’s the same old paradigm of ‘disorder’. Why not the examples of Father Henri Nouwen, or Father Gerard Manley Hopkins?

Until the Church can let go of the ‘disorder’ paradigm (intrinsic and objective) for homosexuals living chastely … until they can see past that, She’s missing an opportunity to reach out to the vast majority of us. I have been in discussion with other Catholic homosexuals, in a variety of settings, and most of those persons have difficulty with the Church’s response to us homosexuals. I have, also, tried to have our local diocese start a Courage Chapter.

One need look no further than the CCC’s verbiage on homosexuality (the prime teaching statement from the Church on homosexuality) located under the 6th Commandment. I ask anyone here in reading that, would you like those words applied to you, in all their essence?

I rest my case. Do with it what you will.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

I think,mitex, much of what you’ve said above is absolutely spot-on. Until the Church officially recognizes a homosexual as a Saint, much of what She speaks is only lip-service. At the beatification of Blessed John Henry Cardinal Newman, no mention was made of his 32+ years of living with Father Ambrose St. John, nor his wish (which was fulfilled) to be buried next to him. This would have been a perfect opportunity to recognize openly to the world that deep, chaste ‘disinterested’ love has been/is possible. A perfect opportunity for the Church to demonstrate to the world, the supposed love that they have for homosexuals. Unless the Church ‘walks the talk’, Her outreach to homosexuals remains empty of meaning.

I am an older, gay woman not in a relationship. I choose not to be in a same gender sexual relationship, because I do not believe that is loving myself, as Christ loves me. That has not always been the case, by any means. However, the Church was never there to hold my hand; to accept me as I was, to offer hope when there was none. That came via a lot of hardship and heartache. I would have to have been absolutely crazy to come out to any priest as a homosexual.

That being said, I find no comfort from the Church, at all; except, in my personal relationship with Our Lord and Our Lady. The Church sees homosexuals as ‘disordered’, and I might add, not just in our sexuality. I have never, ever seen any article concerning same sex attraction that speaks of homosexuals as people that bring gifts to the Church. It seems an impossibility to the hierarchy that a homosexual has any gifts … we have a ‘disorder’: that’s the main focus.

Thankfully, the Church is Our Lord’s.

Newman was not gay/homosexual, he spoke of celibacy as a burden, no homosexual would say that, indeed for a homosexual a vow of celibacy is a relief. At the same time there is no doubt that Newman cared for Ambrose St. John very deeply, indeed loved him, but it is not love in the modern understanding. Modern society can not seem to really grasp the concept of nonsexual love so they assume that their relationship was “gay”. Now, if you want a campaign for a “gay” Catholic to be canonized you should probably start the campaign for Henri Nouwen.

Then you obviously haven’t read widely enough, because I have read articles, including those simply published within parishes, which speak of such unique gifts. And anyone who truly understands the Catholic world view and who has been educated deeply in that would be able to see, unless that person chose not to see it, that every human being is brought into the world with gifts, and for a purpose ordained by God. That is fixed Catholic theology. That does not mean that all particular behaviors and inclinations are ordained by God, but that the sum of the personality is cherished by God, including if that person has Down’s syndrome or whatever.

And in concert with that, anyone who has read the book Brain Sex, and integrated that within Catholic theology above, would see the Divine Plan in the variations within the human spectrum, male and female, and how that “works” to produce differently capable and functioning persons, even within the radical categories of male and female.

The easiest way to counter her point would be to post several sources from more mainstream media (such as NCR). As the internet meme goes, “pics or it didn’t happen”.

Are CAIS individuals females or (defective) males then?

 

[Elizabeth502]

The easiest way to counter her point would be to post several sources from more mainstream media (such as NCR).

No, because I cannot think of an online publication which corresponds to what I referenced above. Because it isn’t online or on Google Books does not mean that it wasn’t published. The poster was inappropriately dismissive of supposedly all Catholic sources just because she personally had not encountered anything positive.

In addition, I have also heard homilies addressing the same issue she raised. Those homilies are also not published online, even though other parishes and some TV stations do publish theirs.

As the internet meme goes, “pics or it didn’t happen”

Only for those whose entire reference source is modern and electronic. When your sources are limited, expect limited knowledge. It is not my fault when other people “don’t get out enough.” But it seems that there are always people who are determined to characterize the Catholic Church and its hierarchy as cold, lacking compassion, narrow, unwelcome, etc. If we’re determined to find something negative, we will.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

No, because I cannot think of an online publication which corresponds to what I referenced above. Because it isn’t online or on Google Books does not mean that it wasn’t published. The poster was inappropriately dismissive of supposedly all Catholic sources just because she personally had not encountered anything positive.

In addition, I have also heard homilies addressing the same issue she raised. Those homilies are also not published online, even though other parishes and some TV stations do publish theirs.

Only for those whose entire reference source is modern and electronic. When your sources are limited, expect limited knowledge. It is not my fault when other people “don’t get out enough.” But it seems that there are always people who are determined to characterize the Catholic Church and its hierarchy as cold, lacking compassion, narrow, unwelcome, etc. If we’re determined to find something negative, we will.

Homilies vary vastly in quality and content making it quite possible that she has never heard any good homilies on it.

However, the Church was never there to hold my hand; to accept me as I was, to offer hope when there was none.

The poster was not dismissing “all Catholic sources”, she was talking about her experience.

 

[Mustang1971]

Absolutely no apology will be entertained because none is necessary, as nothing offensive was said.

Thanks Elizabeth!

 

[Jlaug]

Let’s see if I can condense this!!! Before five years old new I was different. When friends spoke of being" mommy and daddy", I knew I’d grow up and be “mommy and mommy.”
I was always a “Tom Boy”.And had a very deep love for my best friend-God at a very early age.–It was in my teens that I heard a very poor and hateful version of “Church” teaching. A well meaning but ill-informed “teacher” explained “God created adam and eve not Adam and steve…Fags are going to hell.” That didn’t fit the God I knew. Because of her, the Church lost credibility in my eyes. And I about that time started buying into the erroneous idea that if I didn’t express my Homosexuality, I was destined to be miserable and maladjusted and destined for suicide.
I spent 25yrs or more as an “Out Lesbian” and runaway from the Church. In 1999,I met a woman who was Catholic. Her faith was very important to her and she practiced it , although she also believed the Church was wrong about gay relationships. I started going back to Mass with her.We eventually moved in together, bought a home, business, vehicles together. Our lives were totally entwined. We prayed together worked together, played together,laughed and cried together. Her family became my family.(My family became her heartache but that’s another story!)-- Seven years into our relationship our sexual activity became almost non-existent.( and our prayer life increased dramatically) We just excused that away as a result of being overworked, overstressed,lack of sleep and peri-menapausal.But we were also spending a lot of time talking about how friends, aquaintainces and the world in general had so many problems because of the misuse of sex
( though we still hadn’t made the connection in our own lives).
I started going to daily Mass and increasingly people there were wanting me to get more involved. I longed to do so, but knew I wasn’t truly in communion with the Church and as a matter of integrity I didn’t want to sneak in through the back door.But I started praying and searching for answers. I found them. Realized I needed to make our abstainance by default a conscious decision. I was terrified. I wanted to do it, but knew I risked turning both our worlds upside down.Our home life, family life,business life,our total lives were shared in common
I meditated a lot on our Lord in Gethsemane. I prayed to Him for strength. I heard Him say
" do what you can, I’ve got the rest!"–I was a big chicken and said here’s all I can do: I proposed to my partner abstaining from sex as a conscious choice for a few months as a sort of spiritual exercise. So that I could focus on my prayer life and maybe do some things at Church for a while. Lame, I know. But HE did HAVE THE REST!! She looked at me and said, “maybe not for a few months, or a few years, but for forever.” It seems the Holy Spirit had been working on her as well. We spent that afternoon laughing and crying and just in total amazement at what the Lord can do if we let Him.
We both received the Sacrament of Reconcilliation and for about 5yrs now we have lived chastely and as Sisters in Christ with the prayerful support of our pastor and Bishop.
And we are not alone. It’s amazing the number of couples we’ve met who have been through similar things. Many people are so quick to caution about “the near occassion of sin”. This is somnething that we are aware of. But honestly, for us there is no temptation. And we do- both of us- love each other. And have agreed that if ever it would become an issue,we will seperate our household.But we don’t see each other in that way anymore. Our lives and our love have been transformed.-From the begining we prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide us in the will of God. This is where He has led us. And we continue that prayer.

I just burst into tears after reading this. I’m a lesbian and I’m in love with a woman who I’ve been dating for over a year. She is the first and only person I have ever made love to and she’s told me over and over again that she wants to marry me. However, though I was an agnostic former-Catholic when we started dating, I started having several spiritual crises. After a few of these episodes, she suggested that we start going to church so that I could make peace with God (even though she isn’t a believer herself, she could tell that I still was). I resisted it at first, but she eventually convinced me to go to a nearby Episcopal church. After attending for a few months, I became reconciled with my former beliefs. However, I still struggled to reconcile my sexuality with my Christianity. I tried seeking answers everywhere, but I couldn’t find any that were very satisfactory. I started coming to terms with the fact that I may have to remain chaste to please God. So the other night I asked my girlfriend if she would still stay with me if I swore myself to life-long chastity. She said that she wouldn’t because it would mean that I was ashamed of my feelings for her. I don’t really blame her for feeling that way. It’s an extremely difficult thing to ask of anybody. Even I have reservations about living chastely, but I figured I could do anything with her by my side.

Now I don’t know what to do. I love this woman. I want to spend my life with her, but I don’t want us to go to Hell. However, I know that she will not live in chastity with me. Likewise, I know that if I broke things off, she would regret having ever brought me back to Church. She would grow bitter and angry over religion and it would be all my fault if she rejected God entirely. She already told me that my struggles with religion have made it so that she doesn’t want to even go to church anymore. I’ve prayed and prayed about this, and have received no answer. I’m literally shaking all over right now. I have no idea what I’m going to do.