Memento Mori and Confusion

[Statius]

I have been having a strange month. In mid-March, whilst my mind was mostly on work, choir practice for Easter and my forthcoming reception into the Church, a pre-existing heart condition flared up fairly spectacularly, and I was taken into hospital with blue flashing lights and sirens. I had a heart rate of 250, and whilst I was not in pain, I did know something was going pretty badly wrong. I asked a friend to get me a priest, who took care of me, and then they knocked me out and shocked my heart back into a normal rhythm.

I was made comfortable and didn’t really feel too bad, and they intended to keep me in for observation then release me within 48 hours, but the evening after my first attack I had a second, more problematic one. I lay there, at the centre of noise and flashing lights as doctors and nurses tried to stabilise me, and when they knocked me out that time, as I sank into unconsciousness, I (and my doctors) wondered if I would be waking up again. It feels very melodramatic in hindsight, but I even commended my soul to God.

I did wake up, and not without regret, as I had a horrible night, and a fairly unpleasant few days festooned with wires and tubes. I was transferred to a specialist hospital the next day and within a week had been fitted with an implanted cardioversion defibrilator, which is sort of like a pacemaker. I was released a week before Holy Week, and I was just about well enough to attend my confirmation, reception and first holy communion.

I’m currently off work, staying with my parents (I’m 25) and waiting for the date for my next operation, which should be in the next couple of weeks and will be to fix my tricuspid valve, which is part of the underlying problem.

It should all be a memento mori. I feel as if it should have had a profound effect on me. Instead, after an initial period of gratitude and reflection, which lasted as long as I was in hospital, I feel drained of interest in my spiritual and prayer life. I have too much time on my hands, I get grumpy with my parents and my usual routines have gone, replaced with just pottering aimlessly through the day. I am my old self, but with more time to think about life and my imperfections, and this just makes me feel bad and a little down. I enjoyed my reception, but after months of anticipation, I was tired, ill prepared and, whilst I did enjoy it, I feel underwhelmed by the whole experience.

Perhaps I just expect too much - I find myself considering St. Paul’s conversion with a certain jealousy. It seems so simple to be blinded in a moment and forever changed, and much harder to have to work through your conversion day by day. I know this is a bit ridiculous, but it’s a hard idea to shift.

I’d like to talk about it, but being in my home town rather than my usual place of residence, most of my friends are elsewhere and I certainly can’t discuss it usefully with my atheist family. People get uncomfortable when I mention the possibility of death. I would like to speak to my priest about it, and I’m sure he will be helpful, but I do wonder if there’s anyone else who has found themselves in a similar position.

 

[mlund]

I’d like to talk about it, but being in my home town rather than my usual place of residence, most of my friends are elsewhere and I certainly can’t discuss it usefully with my atheist family. People get uncomfortable when I mention the possibility of death. I would like to speak to my priest about it, and I’m sure he will be helpful, but I do wonder if there’s anyone else who has found themselves in a similar position.

Well, I’m thankful to God for His work in saving your life through the care of those safe-guarding your life, first and foremost.

It is definitely a difficult position you find yourself in. Waiting around idle gnaws at the soul. Having to walk on eggshells because of medical concerns limits your ability to interact with the world around you. Needing to avoid stressing your heart often precludes you from engaging in work you find meaningful or challenging. Being so far from friends and having family that can’t relate to your issues gives you a feeling of social isolation. None of that is easy.

I think our society creates some very awkward expectations about life-saving. We kind of have a “and they all lived happily ever after” mentality conditioned into us. The reality is a lot more challenging.

You’ve kind of been thrown into a semi-hermitage by this ordeal. People that thrive in such an environment are a rarity. Even Monastic Orders still have the rule of the monastery and brothers or sisters to support them in their spiritual lives. So you’ll need to come up with a plan of action to bridge those gaps.

For social contact, I recommend looking into Internet-based messaging. Skype works wonders. Pidgin instant messenger can allow you to connect to your friends even if they have a diversity of instance messaging services. If you have a cellular plan that supports it text messaging works pretty well too. Verbal contact is important.

I find when I’m sick or when I was home unemployed that radio was a big help. It didn’t take up my visual attention like TV did, so I could still be productive with my hands doing cores, writing, drawing, or researching. Since you have access to the Internet I might recommend Catholic radio. Immaculate Heart radio has good programming you can access anywhere in the world. I think EWTN may have a dedicated internet radio channel as well.

If you aren’t totally home bound for the sake of safety I might also recommend inquiring in the neighboring parishes whether any practice the devotion of Perpetual Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. If you truly feel like your time is idle and it pains your spiritual growth I’d recommend taking time to honor the Blessed Sacrament. Even if you can’t have an immediate, life-changing experience your time there is never wasted. If more men and women took time to understand and honor the real presence of the Living God within the Most Holy Eucharist the human race would be better for it.

Another spiritual practice of our Church that may serve you well with so much time is the Liturgy of the Hours (also called the Divine Office) . It is a prayer of Christian tradition that was given to all members of the Body of Christ, but fell out of use in many places among the Laity. You can find a copy of “Christian Prayer” at most church book stores and it contains the Propers and Psalter you’ll need. Other than that you’d only need your Bible. I recommend looking online or asking a local priest or deacon to instruct you on the basics. “Christian Prayer” has a number of options and inclusions for group prayer that may seem daunting at first, so it is best to learn the outline of the basic structure and move forward from there.

Offering your prayers and worship to God is one of the greatest investments of your time you can make. The Lord repays such offerings many-fold.

All that said, I think your first move should be regaining contact with the people you care about who can support you and your spiritual concerns - your friends and your priest. All the advice about prayers and “fixes” and cheering up in the whole world won’t help you if your needs for people to listen to you and support you aren’t met. Our souls long for the grace of God, a grace we can find contained within the human person. Friendship, charity, and empathy our vital to our spiritual and emotional health. Without them it is all too common for depression and isolation to cause our hearts to dam up the Living Water that is Christ within us.

• Marty Lund

 

[Statius]

Your hermitage analogy is apt, I think. Unfortunately, I don’t want to be a hermit!

Thank you for all your advice. I have been trying to keep in touch with friends, but I’ve been very tired until recent days, and I feel as if I’ve almost lost the habit. Now I’m somewhat better, I should make a conscious effort. If I did try to visit (and a train ride might now be no beyond me) I’m sure they’d help me at the other end. I’ve arraged, actually, to combine today’s visit to hospital in the nearest city (for a check-up) with meeting up with someone for a couple of hours.

I’ve found, as it happens, that radio helps me sleep, even though it’s not my usual habit.

I’ve been trying, on and off, to pick up the Liturgy of the Hours for a few months, actually, so I’m already in possession of the right books (up to Pentecost, anyway - I’m buying them as I go along). One thing which tipped me off to something being a bit funny is that, whilst I was contentedly praying MP, EP and compline before I got sick, when I worked full time and had to get up early to do it, I now have as much time as I could possibly want and virtually no inclination.

And I should indeed make the effort to get to adoration sometime.

I have, however, been better with this in the last couple of days. I spoke to a couple of people the same day as posting here, and feel much better for it. Thanks again.

 

[Dorothy]

Wow! What you described in your first post can be quite traumatic! A sudden change in one’s life like that is startling. Everything is in the Lord’s loving hands, and in spite of how you may feel He is right there with you.

I will remember you in my prayers that all goes well with you. You have gotten some good advice. Praying, good reading, chatting with good friends all helps.

May the peace of Jesus be with you!