Men and compassion for sick wives

[b_justb]

So my question is for the men here at CAF… actually several questions. First off, do you have a chronically ill wife? Do you think you show her compassion and understanding? If you don’t (have a sick wife), how do you think you would react if you did? How do you treat your wife now when she has something simple like a cold or flu? What about a surgery?

Hi FW No my wife is not chronically ill. However I suspect she will become chronically ill in the future. She has been diagnosed with many auto immune diseases that I am sure will progress as we age.

When DW is under the weather now I do exactly what she likes. I let her sleep and keep the house very quiet. I make sure she has Tylenol, whatever and plenty of cool liquids on her night stand. I stay upstairs close to where she is but not in the room because she feels safe knowing I am close but hates for me to be too close because she feels so horrible.

There’s a lot of things I mess up on all the time, but I think that when it comes to my marriage I do pretty well. I know that DW completes me and our marriage is a sacramental one. How I treat her is how I treat God. So I am pretty careful.

Sorry ladies, I’m taken

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**And to address an earlier point, yes I do believe that attitude/personality has a lot to do with it. But not entirely. There is another current thread about a man living with his wife who has some serious personality and mental health issues. From what has been described she is cold and angry and resentful all of the time. Doesn’t sound like fun to live with… but this man has spent years and years being patient, trying to help her, raising his kids etc. I think he has done exactly what a good catholic husband should have done. Most men would have left long ago and washed their hands of the whole situation.

But in most cases, at least the ones I am talking about here, the wife does not have any mental disorders, just physical illnesses. But we all have different personalities. So the wife who is stubborn or selfish is going to have a harder time inspiring compassion in her husband…but he should have it anyways. It is her responsibility to change and be as loving as possible, but she doesn’t have to do that BEFORE he shows compassion. We love our spouses for the very fact that they are part of us…one flesh. We must show that love always otherwise we are being very selfish. Of course it is harder to do that it is to write, but it’s good to set our goals high.**

 

[Belle10]

Being around DH also means that I keep more of a grip on my emotions - epecially dealing with depression and am less likely to give in to ‘self pity’ as a result - I also take my medication and look after myself to keep well. Reading Elizabeth Leseur’s My Spirit Rejoices has also helped me. She was a Catholic married to an atheist who endured her ill health with such fortitude and faith that after her death her husband converted and became a Priest. Inspirational!
Karen

DH and I are both healthy (with the exception of my constant, 9-month long morning sickness, but I don’t think that counts! ) but I find this thread interesting. Anyway, I just wanted to chime in and also highly recommend Elizabeth Leseur’s book to you Malia (and others) – it is excellent – she really lived a life of patience, humility, and virtue, always using her afflictions as a source to grow closer to God. She is quite an inspiration (to those with physical difficulties as well as to those whose spouse does not share the faith).

Side note: the cause for her canonization was opened many years ago and then “revived” in the 1990s I believe, though I don’t know the progress.

I am not married so I have no first-hand experience with general illness and how it’s dealt with much less chronic illness, but I have seen how society today has denegrated the role of men in relationships – I’m generalizing and in no means being case specific to any previous posts. **But if you look at today’s society, men are not expected to be true gentlemen any longer – if they hold a door for a woman, they’re chastised, “I can hold my own door”; the feminist movement is constantly saying, “Women don’t need men. We can do it all ourselves”; et cetera. **The men I have dated in the last several years have been prime examples of the denegration of men. It was a pure joy to find a truly honorable, Catholic man whom I have been dating since last year.

I know this isn’t an exact answer to the OP, but I think what’s happening in society is definitely filtering into how our men are being raised and therefore how they relate in a marriage. AGAIN, I’m generalizing.

Paula

I agree. It’s very sad…I am constantly surprised (and happy) when a man (other than DH or any male relatives) holds a door for me.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Does the wife’s disposition play a part?

If the wife suffers w/ grace and dignity, is the husband more likely to be compassionate?

If the wife is a complainer, is the husband less likely to be compassionate?

**Honestly i don’t think so. I think of the people who volunteer with seniors… some of those old folks can be pretty cranky and crotchety… but a compassionate person usually wins them over. And even if they never change, the person who has been spending time with them has learned and grown from the experience.

And I think the term “complainer” is problematic. It can mean too many things to different people. Some people are labelled complainers when they aren’t and others complain every day of their life and no one thinks a thing of it. In this case I think either a man has learned compassion (from his father most likely as pointed out by another poster) or he hasn’t.**

 

[whatevergirl]

Not to slide off topic…

But, women can be very compassionless (is that the word? lol) just like men can lack compassion. My sister has outrightly admitted that she ‘has no compassion for people who don’t try to help themselves and expect others to take care of them.’ and ‘I have no pity for people who have given up on life, unless they have a disease that is terminal.’ (many other things she has said to this effect too) She left my ex BIL, whom she was married to for nearly 30 years, largely due to his wanting a less stressful lifestyle (which now she looks back with regret on how she handled things) due to the three heart surgeries he had before the age of 50. It troubled her that he expected her to not only work fulltime to support the bills, but in her eyes, he wasn’t trying to help himself get better. After each surgery, he kept eating badly, and drinking alcohol, the only change he made was quitting his job. So in her eyes, he had her to take care of him, and she didn’t think he was helping himself any, so that is where her lack of compassion emerged from. It could also have a lot to do with how we were raised…she was raised with having to help my dad out all of the time, between cooking because my mom often times couldn’t, and taking care of me. So, it strikes a hard nerve with her when she sees people who are younger, and aren’t trying to get better, and have ‘pity parties,’ as she calls them…that’s when she lacks compassion. I think those situations reminds her of our mom, who when my dad became ill, my mom went off her meds and changed into what seemed to be a different person, as I recall. My dad couldn’t take care of her anymore when he got sicker with cancer, and so she realized that she had to do everything–including taking care of him, and me. So, my sister is an example of how women, too, can seem to lack compassion.

I think now my sister has deep compassion for my BIL as she regrets not showing more, but for her, I really think it stemmed from the fact that he didn’t want to follow the doctor’s orders, and eat right and exercise…and wanted to dump the burden of the finances all on her. There were other reasons she left him, but she says that was one of her main reasons.

‘In sickness and in health…’ sometimes I wonder what people think that means when they are exchanging vows these days.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I know many women can lack compassion and be downright cruel. But I wanted to talk specifically about husbands with sick wives because it is what I live. I wanted to know a Catholic perspective, since none of my support groups are Catholic, and see if the men here would have a different perspective to share…

 

[Annika]

**
And I think the term “complainer” is problematic. It can mean too many things to different people. Some people are labelled complainers when they aren’t and others complain every day of their life and no one thinks a thing of it. In this case I think either a man has learned compassion (from his father most likely as pointed out by another poster) or he hasn’t.**

I agree with this. I have chronic Lyme disease, and I feel like I complain all the time. I have so much pain that many times it’s all I can do not to curl up in a ball and cry. I have so little energy I can’t even comb my hair after I’ve washed it - DH does it, happily.

When I apologize for complaining, he seems genuinely surprised, and tells me I don’t, and even if I did, it’s not like there’s nothing to complain about. Dealing with crippling pain and fatigue and various neurological and gastrointestinal problems every waking moment, and non stop nightmares every night, starts to take a toll on even the most gentle and saintly. I have depression/anxiety issues sometimes, all related to the physical illness, and even then, he never chides me for “complaining”.

Like you, my husband has never known me healthy. I don’t know how he would have reacted for sure, if this had happened to me after we were married, but I think he would have taken it in stride. He’s just like that. Sometimes I have to cry, because I don’t know what I possibly did to deserve him. He “gets it” better than I do - he’s always warning me from doing to much, and only rarely says “I told you so” (with a hug) when I ignore him and crash.

My mother is the only one who understands my limitations better than DH, and I think that’s amazing.

I don’t know why he is the way he is…he didn’t learn it from either of his parents. He was baptized and confirmed and led a chaste life, but didn’t return to church until we got serious. I think he’s just a “good person”, as trite as that sounds. He loves old people too, is always the one to hold a door or give up his seat or jump in and help out, with women or men, whoever is in need.

And then he’ll talk about how he feels selfish…I don’t understand it. Men

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Thanks for sharing your story Annika! You are very blessed to have a hubby that “get’s it”… but you already know that.

Your description of your symptoms is so similar to mine.** Except the nightmares… that sounds awful! Is that typical of Lyme disease?

**How long have you been married? Do you have children?

Someone asked me earlier if hubby had compassion when we were dating. I am not sure how to answer that. I thought he did… but since we made so many mistakes early on in our relationship and really didn’t know each other as well as we thought we did I can’t really answer.

But I will say that with time the stress in our lives has increased which has made us both less able to deal with stuff as well as we’d like. Add a baby to the mix on top of it all and we are stressed to the max. So it SEEMS like he has less compassion now than when we were dating… that plus I am much more dependent on him now and extra sensitive to feeling like a burden…
**

I agree with this. I have chronic Lyme disease, and I feel like I complain all the time. I have so much pain that many times it’s all I can do not to curl up in a ball and cry. I have so little energy I can’t even comb my hair after I’ve washed it - DH does it, happily.

When I apologize for complaining, he seems genuinely surprised, and tells me I don’t, and even if I did, it’s not like there’s nothing to complain about. Dealing with crippling pain and fatigue and various neurological and gastrointestinal problems every waking moment, and non stop nightmares every night, starts to take a toll on even the most gentle and saintly. I have depression/anxiety issues sometimes, all related to the physical illness, and even then, he never chides me for “complaining”.

Like you, my husband has never known me healthy. I don’t know how he would have reacted for sure, if this had happened to me after we were married, but I think he would have taken it in stride. He’s just like that. Sometimes I have to cry, because I don’t know what I possibly did to deserve him. He “gets it” better than I do - he’s always warning me from doing to much, and only rarely says “I told you so” (with a hug) when I ignore him and crash.

My mother is the only one who understands my limitations better than DH, and I think that’s amazing.

I don’t know why he is the way he is…he didn’t learn it from either of his parents. He was baptized and confirmed and led a chaste life, but didn’t return to church until we got serious. I think he’s just a “good person”, as trite as that sounds. He loves old people too, is always the one to hold a door or give up his seat or jump in and help out, with women or men, whoever is in need.

And then he’ll talk about how he feels selfish…I don’t understand it. Men

 

[SarahR]

Hi FW—first of all, prayers for you and dh.

I used to know a woman who suffered from MS. Her story was that, years before she was diagnosed, she married a man that apparently everybody thought was a total jerk–drank too much, didn’t appreciate her, coarse, womanizer, you name it.
Well, after they had been married a while she developed symptoms and was eventually diagnosed. By the time I met her, she had progressed to a wheelchair, needed assistance eating, bathing, toileting, etc. And guess who was her greatest caretaker—something had snapped hubby into shape when she was diagnosed. He would even take several breaks from his job every day so he could go home and change her pads, help her eat, etc. He did a complete 180 and by everyone’s account treated her with love and great respect. Supposedly he greatly improved in all areas of his life. And all of the friends who hated him before were blown away by his changes (which were demonstrated for years by the time I met them).

Unfortunately I only knew her for a few weeks before I moved so I don’t have any more info. But their story has always stuck with me. Now if that isn’t a love story…

 

[shannyk]

You know I just have to ask…

WHY is every SINGLE thread like this, where a question is posed about one sex, people ALWAYS have to come back with

MEN ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE BAD

or WOMEN SIN TOO

or what’s with all the man/women bashing???

It’s like kindergarten or something.

Malia’s post asked specifically about husbands in relation to sick wives. Why can’t that be discussed apart from the opposite? It’s really silly.

 

[Larowyn]

You know I just have to ask…

WHY is every SINGLE thread like this, where a question is posed about one sex, people ALWAYS have to come back with

MEN ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE BAD

or WOMEN SIN TOO

or what’s with all the man/women bashing???

It’s like kindergarten or something.

Malia’s post asked specifically about husbands in relation to sick wives. Why can’t that be discussed apart from the opposite? It’s really silly.

It’s because the gender trolls generalize about one gender way too much.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Thank you. I posted this question sincerely and am really looking for an honest discussion. So if anyone is afraid to post because of some of the nonsense, please post as I’d really like to know your opinion!

You know I just have to ask…

WHY is every SINGLE thread like this, where a question is posed about one sex, people ALWAYS have to come back with

MEN ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE BAD

or WOMEN SIN TOO

or what’s with all the man/women bashing???

It’s like kindergarten or something.

Malia’s post asked specifically about husbands in relation to sick wives. Why can’t that be discussed apart from the opposite? It’s really silly.

 

[sanctamaria17]

It’s because the gender trolls generalize about one gender way too much.

Yes but they’re not posting on this thread. Malia asked specifically about sick wives, not to make men out to be pigs, but because she’s wondering why women she knows IN HER PERSONAL LIFE are abandoned by their husbands for being sick, while hers is very loving and stands by her. She wonders why it seems that she’s the minority in that regard.

 

[LittleDeb]

Hi Malia!
Your friendly neighborhood fellow fibro sufferer here, checking in.

My DH would say that his compassion comes from his mom. When his dad left his mom during DH’s senior year of high school, it kicked started something strong in DH. He is the oldest and started pulling more hours of work while going to school too. He turned over nearly every dime to his mom to help pay the bills. They were always close before, but I think that protector role really came out then. (My MIL is no slacker herself. Hardworking, opinionated, and can swear like a sailor. I honestly love that woman!)

The thing I say that I really love about DH is that, “He loves me the same whether I am sick or well.” I got so annoyed when people either expected me to be well when I couldn’t be, or treated me like some china-doll ready to break when I was sick. Since DH came into my life, that just doesn’t happen anymore.

DH is a convert so I don’t know what would have been different being raised Catholic. He has almost no contact with his dad because of all of the bad choices made there. He has a lot of respect for my dad, though. My dad’s definition of a husband is deeply rooted in Church teaching. As has been said here already, “Love your wife as Christ loves the Church.”

DH takes that ‘one flesh’ thing pretty seriously.

 

[jman507]

Yes but they’re not posting on this thread. Malia asked specifically about sick wives, not to make men out to be pigs, but because she’s wondering why women she knows IN HER PERSONAL LIFE are abandoned by their husbands for being sick, while hers is very loving and stands by her. She wonders why it seems that she’s the minority in that regard.

Yes, but every thread that has usually over 6 posts tends to end up to have posts that tend to stray from the exact subject of the OP. In the end why not be a little sensation, and just let those post be. If you want to avoid hearing about the reciprocal situation, there is a good chance you might hear about it any way, regardless of the reason behind your intention.

 

[Teakafrog]

Well, I don’t have a chronic daily illness like fibro, but there have been times when I have been really ill. My last pregnancy was horrendous. I was so sick I could literally not even get off the couch at all, all day long. DH picked up the slack on everything, did ALL the housework, childcare, and worked not to mention taking care of me, while I literally laid around all day trying not to puke too much. He took me to all my Dr appts since I couldn’t even drive–and they were frequent with how high risk I was. He was a perfect saint about it all!

And the rest of the time I get migraines that just knock me out for up to a day or two at a time. The meds don’t work half the time, all I can do is lay in a dark room trying not to move (which is hard when you’re puking constantly) and cry. He again takes care of me and everything else, all without a complaint. I’m not sure how I got so lucky, but I thank God for him every day, because I know you’re right, most men aren’t anything like him, unfortunately.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Hi Deb, glad you shared that with us! While it is very sad that so many of the women I know have been left by their husbands (either physically or just mentally) it does inspire hope to hear that there ARE husbands out there who step up when they are needed!

Hi Malia!
Your friendly neighborhood fellow fibro sufferer here, checking in.

My DH would say that his compassion comes from his mom. When his dad left his mom during DH’s senior year of high school, it kicked started something strong in DH. He is the oldest and started pulling more hours of work while going to school too. He turned over nearly every dime to his mom to help pay the bills. They were always close before, but I think that protector role really came out then. (My MIL is no slacker herself. Hardworking, opinionated, and can swear like a sailor. I honestly love that woman!)

The thing I say that I really love about DH is that, “He loves me the same whether I am sick or well.” I got so annoyed when people either expected me to be well when I couldn’t be, or treated me like some china-doll ready to break when I was sick. Since DH came into my life, that just doesn’t happen anymore.

DH is a convert so I don’t know what would have been different being raised Catholic. He has almost no contact with his dad because of all of the bad choices made there. He has a lot of respect for my dad, though. My dad’s definition of a husband is deeply rooted in Church teaching. As has been said here already, “Love your wife as Christ loves the Church.”

DH takes that ‘one flesh’ thing pretty seriously.

 

[dakotagirl]

This does not surprise me at all. It is very sad and disheartening, but let’s face it, men are more self-centered and ready to take, take, take, and often when its their turn to give, somehow it just doesn’t fit into their life’s plans.

 

[comebacktome]

I’ve got two examples of men being fabulous. I think men are a very quiet presence when it comes to their self-sacrifice, which is perhaps why it is often unnoticed. My own mother tried to commit suicide when I was a toddler and was depressed all of my life. For the three years following that she was totally incapacitated and Dad had to run his business, take care of me and my 1 1/2 y/o sister, and worry about mom. She was also extremely difficult to live with once she got up and about again, constantly martyring herself and telling us about Dad’s shortcomings. Anyway, it was not until my own father was diagnosed with cancer that I really started to consider the kind of husband/father he was. I came to the conclusion that what he had to do early on (probably because of the suicide attempt) was to die to himself. He did everything he knew he could for my mother and it was NEVER good enough. She would call him names, yet he never snapped back. “Let it roll off” he would say to me, when I became a teen and her rage started directing itself at me. “Be a willow, not an oak” was another of his favorites.
If we could only get out of ourselves long enough to see things from the other’s perspective, we might see that they do a lot more than they are getting credit for. What would your husband be doing, Malia, if you were well? Could he be involved in a hobby or sport that he is precluded from now?
My husband is like my father in that he just does his duty without calling attention to what he’s doing. Sometimes I get glimpses of his thoughts, and I beg him to share more, but I just don’t think guys are like that.
If women are up a few nights in a row with a sick child we get all kinds of accolades for the self-sacrificing nature of women. If men take a turn, they still have to go to work in the morning and the world usually says, “well, Mom should get a break. The big oaf should’ve taken a turn sooner”
Well, I could go on and on, but I imagine you get the idea. I think they have lots of compassion (well, most men) and it’s our fallen nature that is critical instead of grateful.

 

[LittleDeb]

I’ve got two examples of men being fabulous. I think men are a very quiet presence when it comes to their self-sacrifice, which is perhaps why it is often unnoticed. My own mother tried to commit suicide when I was a toddler and was depressed all of my life. For the three years following that she was totally incapacitated and Dad had to run his business, take care of me and my 1 1/2 y/o sister, and worry about mom. She was also extremely difficult to live with once she got up and about again, constantly martyring herself and telling us about Dad’s shortcomings. Anyway, it was not until my own father was diagnosed with cancer that I really started to consider the kind of husband/father he was. I came to the conclusion that what he had to do early on (probably because of the suicide attempt) was to die to himself. He did everything he knew he could for my mother and it was NEVER good enough. She would call him names, yet he never snapped back. “Let it roll off” he would say to me, when I became a teen and her rage started directing itself at me. “Be a willow, not an oak” was another of his favorites.
If we could only get out of ourselves long enough to see things from the other’s perspective, we might see that they do a lot more than they are getting credit for. What would your husband be doing, Malia, if you were well? Could he be involved in a hobby or sport that he is precluded from now?
My husband is like my father in that he just does his duty without calling attention to what he’s doing. Sometimes I get glimpses of his thoughts, and I beg him to share more, but I just don’t think guys are like that.
If women are up a few nights in a row with a sick child we get all kinds of accolades for the self-sacrificing nature of women. If men take a turn, they still have to go to work in the morning and the world usually says, “well, Mom should get a break. The big oaf should’ve taken a turn sooner”
Well, I could go on and on, but I imagine you get the idea. I think they have lots of compassion (well, most men) and it’s our fallen nature that is critical instead of grateful.

So beautifully put!

I agree that men are often unnoticed in their compassion. I have found that when all of us are held to a great standard we will often live up to it. When men are asked to give, they really will. When women are cherished, they blossom.