Men and compassion for sick wives

[Nanny_PK]

This does not surprise me at all. It is very sad and disheartening, but let’s face it, men are more self-centered and ready to take, take, take, and often when its their turn to give, somehow it just doesn’t fit into their life’s plans.

I have to respectfully disagree. I think that this is a common mantra and men hear it and think “I’m not appreciated so why bother?” I’ve seen example after example of men trying to do “things” for the family, however if it’s not done “right” a/k/a the way she does it, they’re berated for it or told they don’'t do anything right so they just stop.

I’m not saying this is all men and all women but just some observations I’ve made in the past.

 

[shannyk]

This does not surprise me at all. It is very sad and disheartening, but let’s face it, men are more self-centered and ready to take, take, take, and often when its their turn to give, somehow it just doesn’t fit into their life’s plans.

Now THAT is an unfair and over generalized statement. Saying that kind of thing is what gives the female ‘side’ no credibility.

I mean come on, my husband was not a good example of selflessness, but I’m not so shallow as to think his behavior was representative of ALL men

 

[Annika]

Now THAT is an unfair and over generalized statement. Saying that kind of thing is what gives the female ‘side’ no credibility.

I mean come on, my husband was not a good example of selflessness, but I’m not so shallow as to think his behavior was representative of ALL men

Exactly. I think my husband is a saint. On the other hand, my father let one of his friends molest me, was physically, verbally, mentally abusive to the whole family, has been inappropriate with my sister and myself, is an alcoholic, suggested I be euthanized when I got sick so that I wouldn’t be a burden to him (when he has paid exactly $250 towards my medical bills), forbids my mother from working and has her completely emotionally destroyed and dependant on him, yet belittles her for not working (she’s “materialistic” when she requires feminine hygiene products)…and perpetually plays the victim. He’s always telling outsiders that he has to let “her abuse” “roll off of him”. It’s sickening the number of people that buy into his BS. And no, we never made him behave like this by “complaining” or “not giving him enough respect”.

Some men are good, some are bad. Some women are good, some are bad. We can’t generalize either way.

Malia, we’ve been married a year and have no children yet. We both desperately want one (I planned seven when I was healthy…you know what they say about God and your plans). DH is optimistic and excited, and I am petrified, even though I know he would cheerfully do everything possible to make it easier on me.

My nightmares are difficult…I had a neurologist tell me they were a permanent side-effect of beta blockers I took many years ago, for about 6 months (needlessly too, as it turned out, my first cardiologist was not the most competent). I think it’s also likely a manifestation of the horrors of the day. I doubt the pain goes away while we sleep, the body just makes us aware of it in a different way.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

What would your husband be doing, Malia, if you were well? Could he be involved in a hobby or sport that he is precluded from now?

**
My husband has made tremendous sacrifices for me and our family. I love hm dearly for that. I deal with a lot of guilt that he is “stuck” caring for me, taking on a lot of the household responsibilities, and being a much more involved, hands-on father than any man I know (or have ever known). His life would be so different without me being sick, but I guess so would mine.

I know that this is our cross to bear, just in different ways.

Mostly the reason I started this topic was because of the men who have NO compassion for their sick wives and divorce them when they become too much of a burden. And I wonder why… and occasionally I wonder if it could happen to me. I am pretty sure it wouldn’t, but then many of the women I know were “surprised” when it happened to them.

My husband is not the “perfect” caretaker. But neither am i the perfect patient. We need to be more understanding of each other’s human-ness because that is where things often fall apart…lack of communication (as pop-psych as that sounds). But on a whole he is a wonderful, caring, compassionate man.

Again, no matter what other posters’ opinions are, I do not think ALL men are horrible or pigs. I wish people would stop making hurtful generalizations and derailing my thread into a debate of whether or not all men are scum and pointing out that women can be nasty too. Start a new topic if you want to but let’s try to keep this one semi- on track please.**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Someone mentioned earlier about husbands being able to be more compassionate if the sick wives suffered with more grace and dignity and less complaining…

what about the reverse situation. What if the husband IS doing the caretaking and making sacrifices but complains about it instead of bearing HIS cross with dignity and grace?

A complainer is a complainer is a complainer… could be either spouse (or both)

It is very hard for people in general to ask for help when they need it. It is much harder to ask for help from someone who may then complain about it, even though they will still help.

Thoughts?**

 

[Annika]

Something else that needs to be remembered - as hard as it is to care for someone who is chronically ill, it is harder to actually be chronically ill. I find that often gets lost in the shuffle…we’ve been sick so long, it’s almost taken for granted, seen as no big deal, it just is. The level of care and concern from family and friends drops off quickly - it has to, or they’d go crazy watching you suffer. So I think they tell themselves, consciously or subconciously, that it can’t be that bad.

Most of the time I forget what it’s like to be healthy, or that this isn’t the way life is supposed to be. Being sick has become normal. It’s a coping mechanism. I insist I’m fine when I’m not because I can’t handle the truth of how little I can do, how invalid I am as a human being. When I do admit to myself how much I’ve lost, it’s crushing. I used to get in the car, drive to a deserted area, and just scream until I lost my voice.

And I have a supportive partner. I cannot imagine facing this with a husband who resents me or does not understand. It would be easier to do it alone.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Something else that needs to be remembered - as hard as it is to care for someone who is chronically ill, it is harder to actually be chronically ill. I find that often gets lost in the shuffle…we’ve been sick so long, it’s almost taken for granted, seen as no big deal, it just is. The level of care and concern from family and friends drops off quickly - it has to, or they’d go crazy watching you suffer. So I think they tell themselves, consciously or subconciously, that it can’t be that bad.

Most of the time I forget what it’s like to be healthy, or that this isn’t the way life is supposed to be. Being sick has become normal. It’s a coping mechanism. I insist I’m fine when I’m not because I can’t handle the truth of how little I can do, how invalid I am as a human being. When I do admit to myself how much I’ve lost, it’s crushing. I used to get in the car, drive to a deserted area, and just scream until I lost my voice.

And I have a supportive partner. I cannot imagine facing this with a husband who resents me or does not understand. It would be easier to do it alone.

**So true. And if it is hard to admit to ourselves just how bad things are, it is harder to ask for help for things we don’t think we should NEED help with. That is why having a great marriage is so important if one spouse is ill… both spouses need so much more support from their husband or wife than in a marriage with two healthy people. Illness is such a HUGE stressor. More so than any financial or other type of problem I have ever faced. **

 

[crohnie4life]

Hi FW,

I read your post w/interest because I have several health problems myself–Crohn’s disease w/ileostomy, blood clotting disorder, had a stroke 3 yrs. ago, arthritis in my joints, and currently am perimenopausal.

When DH & I were dating, he took it upon himself to learn about Crohn’s disease by attending the local support chapter meetings w/me as well as the local ostomy meetings I ran. I learned early on that if I possessed a positive attitude w/my disease, it would be easier for someone to accept as well. I did have times where I felt lousy but that’s where I learned how he’d deal w/it.

After we were married the fun began…ER trips to the city at 2 AM (we live in the country & if you want the best care you go where your MD goes) for bowel obstructions, taking care of me after a stroke @ home, doing errands until I recovered, taking over the finances, etc. Yes, I hated not being able to do more and having to watch him work full time on top of doing chores but when I have my good days, I take over the cleaning, doing errands for him, making his lunch, and even taking care of his parakeet or cleaning the yard up after our Basset hound which I know he dislikes doing. I also make sure we go to Mass together and pray b/c that is where I draw my strength from.

I’ve learned from my support system that it’s ok to let go and let someone help once in a while and not feel guilty (easier said than done). I’ve also learned to appreciate the little things and not fret over the big stuff.

I truly believe that due to his upbringing, he is a very humble, giving, and hard working person. Both of his parents made sure their boys learned how to cook, clean, mend clothes, and instilled good morals/values in them so when they married, their wives would be well taken care of.

It saddens me when I see others at the CCFA meetings where their significant other or spouse leaves them due to not wanting to support them when their disease acts up. Either they can’t handle it or are being self centered looking out only for themselves.

I know that I am truly blessed and there isn’t a day that goes by where I thank the good Lord for what He’s done for me.

Hang in there and know that you are not alone. You are in my prayers. God Bless.

 

[23eagle23]

**I certainly didn’t mean to imply that “men are pigs”! For the most part I have a wonderful, caring, responsible husband and for that I am grateful.

But I can’t change the statistics that most of the women I come into contact with through my support groups are not nearly as fortunate. I just wanted to discuss this further to try and get a better understanding of husbands and their roles in caring for sick wives so that I can continue to do what is in my power to make this easier on my husband.

I love him very much but his lack of understanding and/or compassion is really hurting our marriage. It is our duty as a spouse to help the other get to heaven right? If I can help him learn more compassion I think that is a step in the right direction… I am more than open to him helping me in all of the areas that I need improvement and think I have shown that many times over already in our marriage (from converting to the one true Faith, embracing NFP, becoming a more positive person, learning that I can be a good mom… all of that thanks to his help and support…I don’t know who i’d be without him but I have a feeling I would like her very much)**

I know I shouldn’t but…here it goes…

On the one hand your husband is wonderful, (your past post) and is great to you, but yet you still want him to do more, change him to be what you want? as reffered to the post above…could this be the problem? He is giving what he can, the way he can and yet it still isnt what you want totally?
I find this in alot in marriages, He is a great husband/wife, and I am so blessed…BUT…

I am not saying people cant change and grow, but do we as spouse ask to much of our spouses at times ? try to change them into what we want instead of acceppting what they give?

 

[teme]

**

I love him very much but his lack of understanding and/or compassion is really hurting our marriage.**

What are you expecting from him?

Reason I ask, when DW is frustrated with the kids or how things are going at home, I want to help and be compassionate, but don’t think I’ve found out how to express that in a way that is helpful. Please help me, and clarify what you need from your husband.

 

[jman507]

Hey crohnie4life. I know when I’ve been rather sick, what I think helped me was to realize that you could let others help, actually I think they’d some times felt better if they could do something, then just sit and worry. But then there would be other times, especially when I felt a bit better, and seemed to have a handle on what was happening, I’d almost seemed like I was helping the others out. Especially family, when it felt like you had to try to calm some of their worry. So I was wondering if you’ve more or less – you could feel less guilty about having others help you, if you knew when you were better you could return some of the favor. If you got a fever or are in a lot of pain, there is only so much you can do about a good attitude, but when it lets up a bit I’d always try to joke around.

 

[crohnie4life]

hi jman,

I am very active with the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation chapter (over 20 yrs.) where I live as well as the local ostomy support group(23 yrs.). Even though I had to step down as president after my stroke, I still assist folks over the phone who are dealing with an ostomy or contemplating one after long bouts of flare ups. I don’t know if you know anything about IBD, but when gut pain hits out of nowhere, you have to stop what you are doing and try to figure out if it’s a flare, an obstruction, or a hormonal flare (for females only). Then you have to decide if it can be treated at home or put a call into the GI. Think of IBD as this…a very bad stomach ache that doesn’t go away at all on top of feeling nauseous & fatigued due to the amount of pain you are in. In some cases if an obstruction occurs (it is extremely painful), an ER trip is warranted to get medical attention STAT.

I have a wonderful sense of humor (when appropriate). When I don’t feel that great I write poems based upon my experiences (ex- The 12 Pains of a Hospital, It’s Beginning to look a lot like a Flareup, a Crohnie’s Prayer) and share them with family and friends. It’s a great stress reliever.

As for others helping me, I don’t mind now at all because I know that they do it out of friendship and love.

 

[bayoubutterfly]

I have IBS, and while it is under control now, when I first started having problems, ex-husband was very insensititve. That is what ultimately led to me asking him to leave and me starting the divorce process. He is mentally unstable though, depression, anxiety, probably BPD, so not sure if he could be considered a good case for your questions.

 

[aurora77]

We’ve been married almost six years and have definitely had to deal with our share of health problems. I deal with depression and anxiety and have for years. I went untreated up until a couple of weeks ago; DH and my mom talked me into asking my oncologist for meds. What a difference they’re making.

One year into our marriage, I started developing wierd symptoms. They led to many doctors appts and an eventual major surgery. DH was amazing. He took care of me and the house and still worked full time.

Fast forward a couple of years. I go to the gynecologist to start figuring out why we can’t have kids. That ends with me having a complete hysterectomy and a diagnosis of borderline ovarian cancer (it’s cancer, but a very non-aggressive type, so no treatment other than surgery). Again, DH was just amazing.

Now I’m 31 and in menopause, with all the joy that entails. I know things have been hard for DH, but he has born everything with grace. While I was recovering from this last surgery, I feel into a very deep depression. I know DH had some trouble understanding why I wasn’t doing anything around the house. Yes, I’d just had major surgery, but it wasn’t that bad. Physically, I was recovering nicely, but mentally I just couldn’t get myself to do things. I got hints that he didn’t quite understand, but overall he was so compassionate. He had just been through a really scary time himself, so he was having to come to terms with his feelings.

Today I got another reminder of how much this all weighs on his mind still. Two weeks ago, I had my checkup with my oncologist. Got the results of my blood test in the mail last week–looking good. Well, in the mail today was another letter from my oncologist’s office. DH had it opened before I was home b/c he was worried. It wasn’t anything–another result, good again.

I think my hubby learned a lot of his compassion from his parents. His mom has a chronic illness and major problems with her joints. She’s needed a lot of care and my FIL has stood by her for more than 40 years now. They aren’t Catholic, but they are a good Christian family and believe that family comes first.

He’s been such a rock for me these years. One thing I have learned is that I have to take care of myself, in order to make his life easier. Another is to do things just for him. After my first surgery, we bought a PSII and some video games for DH. It was sort of his reward for taking care of me and everything else while I was down.

I don’t know if I’m just rambling, hope this helps some!