Men and women

[Augustine]

Dear Abby,

I’m in a new situation in my life in which I’m not sure sometimes how to relate to women. For all of my adult single life, I advertised my availability to women with… gusto. So, every time I met an available attractive woman, there’d be a certain tension or even anxiety stemming from my romantic interest for her.

But all that was a long time ago. I am now divorced and without an annulment (yet), so, though I may seem available, I am not and do not act as if I were. This has brought me to experience a new freedom when meeting women, when I am getting to relate to them in a quite uninterested way. I must say that I am only now discovering new facets of women’s femininity thanks to the absence of those romantic tension and anxiety from my single years.

Of course, as a married man, I met other women, but, out of fidelity to my wife, I always made sure to relate to them only from a distance.

However, I’m afraid that this new freedom has put me in delicate situations with women. It has happened that some thought that I might be romantically interested in them, when I was not. It has also happened that some hinted at becoming romantically involved with me, when I cannot. I can sympathize with them, but, being new at this situation, when my openness to women does not come from romantic interests, rather from a newly found friendly and respectful attitude in me towards them, I wonder how to remain friendly and respectful to women without giving the impression to or raising expectations in them that do not correspond to my heart.

I am enjoying this newly found way to relate to women. I am also at peace with God and extremely thankful to Him for His healing touch after such a shocking event like a divorce. I want to share such insights and graces through my own self with men and women alike, but I also want to make sure that I am received as a brother in Christ, nothing more.

I was advised to take a step back when sensing such impressions or expectations, which I think was a sensible advice. But I wonder if I could do something differently, so as to avoid them from even happening. Of course, as much as one can do, since people react in ways that are often hard to predict.

Pax Christi

 

[Polycarp1]

We are to avoid the near occasion of sin.

 

[Lou2U]

I think the best way is to keep these women at a distance, as you used to do. According to the Catholic faith, you’re still married until you receive an annulment.

Lou

 

[Myst]

It’s nice and all that you want to relate to women better, but most women are going to take any form of pursuit (even if it’s not romantic in your head) as romantic interest. What you’re doing by looking to relate to women in a non-romantic way is what many of us would prefer single and available men do anyway. It’s the best way to get to know a person. I agree with what the others said. Stay distant until you’re available.

 

[Sarcelle]

It’s nice and all that you want to relate to women better, but most women are going to take any form of pursuit (even if it’s not romantic in your head) as romantic interest. What you’re doing by looking to relate to women in a non-romantic way is what many of us would prefer single and available men do anyway. It’s the best way to get to know a person. I agree with what the others said. Stay distant until you’re available.

I agree. To make it easier on the OP, he could relate to any woman he meets as a sister, mother or as a family member.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

I agree. To make it easier on the OP, he could relate to any woman he meets as a sister, mother or as a family member.

Or in the interest of keeping distance, Mother-in-Law*.

*I have a great one

 

[clem456]

Dear Abby,

I’m in a new situation in my life in which I’m not sure sometimes how to relate to women. For all of my adult single life, I advertised my availability to women with… gusto. So, every time I met an available attractive woman, there’d be a certain tension or even anxiety stemming from my romantic interest for her.

But all that was a long time ago. I am now divorced and without an annulment (yet), so, though I may seem available, I am not and do not act as if I were. This has brought me to experience a new freedom when meeting women, when I am getting to relate to them in a quite uninterested way. I must say that I am only now discovering new facets of women’s femininity thanks to the absence of those romantic tension and anxiety from my single years.

Of course, as a married man, I met other women, but, out of fidelity to my wife, I always made sure to relate to them only from a distance.

However, I’m afraid that this new freedom has put me in delicate situations with women. It has happened that some thought that I might be romantically interested in them, when I was not. It has also happened that some hinted at becoming romantically involved with me, when I cannot. I can sympathize with them, but, being new at this situation, when my openness to women does not come from romantic interests, rather from a newly found friendly and respectful attitude in me towards them, I wonder how to remain friendly and respectful to women without giving the impression to or raising expectations in them that do not correspond to my heart.

I am enjoying this newly found way to relate to women. I am also at peace with God and extremely thankful to Him for His healing touch after such a shocking event like a divorce. I want to share such insights and graces through my own self with men and women alike, but I also want to make sure that I am received as a brother in Christ, nothing more.

I was advised to take a step back when sensing such impressions or expectations, which I think was a sensible advice. But I wonder if I could do something differently, so as to avoid them from even happening. Of course, as much as one can do, since people react in ways that are often hard to predict.

Pax Christi

I’ve discovered that men (I am one) tend to overestimate our effect on women. Your situation may not be as complicated as you think.

 

[underacloud]

I was advised to take a step back when sensing such impressions or expectations, which I think was a sensible advice. But I wonder if I could do something differently, so as to avoid them from even happening. Of course, as much as one can do, since people react in ways that are often hard to predict.

I think you received good advice, and have largely hit the nail on the head anyway when you say reactions are hard to predict. The reality is that any interest (even platonic) that you, as a (secularly) single man, show towards women can be easily misinterpretted as romantic. And no, I don’t think there’s anything you can really do to get around this, until you’ve known any given person for some time (though even then it can be difficult).