Men Are Weaker!?

[LSK]

And Lexee, if you married a sociopath then you are truly not at fault. I know that the man I became involved with that I described in my post was a professional con man and a sociopath…he fooled me and others…if this is the case you found yourself in then get your marriage annulled, my sister in Christ, and raise your beautiful child in the arms of the Holy Mother Church. You are never to blame for the actions of this type of person.

But as for your original question, both men and women are responsible for their own behavior and for the raising of children…there has been such a breakdown in what we expect of people in terms of morality that I know both sides are at fault. Men are not weaker…there are good, solid, loving men in this world who would no sooner cheat on their wives or do anything to hurt their families than cut off their arms. There are, however, women out there who will date a man who is obviously feckless, immature, irresponsible (but cute and charming!) and think “once we are married, he’ll settle down. He loves me. He’ll do it for me” and then are mad when it turns out he is exactly the same once the marriage ceremony is over as he was before it was performed.

We have to each look at ourselves, and decide, “What do I want to be?” and then pray for the grace to become that person.

 

[newf]

Lexee, the posts written by LSK are really good…worth reading again.

I can tell you are suffering and in a lot of pain. And you are feeling such betrayal from this man whom you thought you knew.

Okay…he is a big loser. I think we’ve got that established. And now the good news is that your children have YOU. They have a mom who cares and will never abandon her children. They have a mom who really does love them.

I think your best bet now is to figure out how to get on with your life. You cannot live with a man who threatens your health with STDs and God knows what else. He is a terrible example for your children and they are better off with you.

And don’t forget that God is bigger than all our problems. He specializes in taking what is broken and making it new. These dark places draw us closer to God and make us better human beings. You are going to make it.

 

[manualman]

We live in a culture that no so subtly tells us that lotsa sex=happiness. Men without faith in Christ are not IMO going to have much chance standing against the constant message of our depraved culture. Especially now in the era when culture likes to tell us that even the spectres of disease and pregnancy can be warded off with a Trojan and Planned Parenthood as backup.

If your perception is that only 1 in 10,000 guys is faithful, I suggest you radically change your social circle. It really sounds like your marriage was a sham on his part. I’m so sorry you had to suffer that. If you pursue annulment and get it, make some profound changes in how you socialize.

Suggestions:

1. Never meet guys at work or in bars. Never.
2. Get active in a faithful catholic parish. One that has visible pro-life groups, promotes NFP, has regular confession times, participates in practical help for the poor, offering adoration is a big plus too.
3. Attend regional conferences and go see speakers and concerts.
4. Develop your prayer life.

These things will shape your kids social exposure and help counter-weight the sick cultural messages they WILL receive. They will also help you make friends that will support you in your beliefs. Nice side effect is that this is where the men you say you want are hanging out!

Finally, if you date again, don’t date any non-practicing christians (personally, I’d not date a non-catholic). Dump any guy you find out later has a merely superficial faith. Do it BEFORE you fall in love with him. Too late afterwards. (As you know.)

 

[kage_ar]

deb1:

Sadly, it will be your responsibliity to teach your son proper behavior toward women. Ideally, this is both parents’ role. A boy sees his mother being well treated by his father and he absorbes the lessons without even realizing that he is being taught.

It will be harder for you, but I know many single women who have raised boys to become good men. If you have a brother or father who is willing to give your son adult male attention that might help.

I would second this advice. My husband is a wonderful husband, father and role model to our son. Our son has seen his mom and dad work together through really bad times, and rejoice together in good times.

One of the reasons I suspect my husband is such a good husband, father and role model? Because HIS father is a good husband, father and role model, who has been married to one wife since his youth and they have stuck together through good times and through bad. I think I may know why my father-in-law is such a good husband, father and role model – you guessed it, because HIS father was married to one woman until the day he died and was a good husband and father through good times and bad. I suspect a pattern here – young men need to have role models who are good husbands and fathers.

The same goes for young girls, they need to see role models of women who were good wives and mothers. My mom stuck with my dad, in good times and bad. That was my role model, and I thank GOD for her. She has been my inspiration in the bad times.

In closing, I know many people who have had affairs. I’ve never ever once seen it tied to “she dosen’t cook well or give me enough sex” – I see just as many men as women cheating on spouses, and the only common denominator is “fun” and the “thrill of it all”, everyone looking for that whoosh of emotion cause day to day marriage just does not do it for them anymore. One co-worker put it this way (about cheating on his wife) “sex with my wife is like vanilla ice cream, it is good but I know exactly what it is going to taste like, sometimes I want chocolate-mint ice cream” – that pretty much sums up what I’ve heard from other cheaters – they are just trying to have some fun.

Teaching our children that marriage is more than an amusement park seems like a good first step. Second, teach our kids to never marry anyone until they know how that person’s parents treat each other… then, maybe we can see kids who have a higher view of marriage.

 

[kage_ar]

manualman:

Suggestions:

1. Never meet guys at work or in bars. Never.
2. Get active in a faithful catholic parish. One that has visible pro-life groups, promotes NFP, has regular confession times, participates in practical help for the poor, offering adoration is a big plus too.
3. Attend regional conferences and go see speakers and concerts.
4. Develop your prayer life.

These things will shape your kids social exposure and help counter-weight the sick cultural messages they WILL receive. They will also help you make friends that will support you in your beliefs. Nice side effect is that this is where the men you say you want are hanging out!

Finally, if you date again, don’t date any non-practicing christians (personally, I’d not date a non-catholic). Dump any guy you find out later has a merely superficial faith. Do it BEFORE you fall in love with him. Too late afterwards. (As you know.)

AMEN!

 

[1ke]

Lexee15:

I have come know that my husband was having affairs BEFORE we married, is that my fault? Was it not his obligation to tell me he had addictions to drinking, gambling and as I’m finding out probably sex also? My husband has other children from other women, he led me to believe that he was ready for a family life and that he made mistakes, etc, etc. I believed him and accepted him with his past and baggage, because I love him and I wanted a family also with him. He never let me see the side I’ve seen since we married, so don’t you DARE make assumptions that I in some way am responsible for his terrible behavior!!!

Sounds like a solid case for the tribunal. You should talk with your priest. Do not suffer in a marriage that was never a Sacrament.

 

[mumto5]

ceceswa:

I’m sorry, but where do you live? I would really like to move there if there are so many great guys. Unfortunetely, I have had a lot of the same experiences that the OP has had and I am inclined to agree with her. I don’t believe that she is disillusioned at all. I think that you have found the exception to the rule, which I think is great if it’s true, but at the same time I wonder if you may be the one that is disillusioned. I’m not trying to be insultive, I just would like to understand better where you’re coming from, because I would truly like to be there too.

Don’t get me wrong, I have experienced plenty of men who were losers, but chose not to associate with them. I think if we pick the groups and intelligence level of people we associate with, it makes a big difference. Maybe I’d agree that on the whole, most men aren’t anything I’d be interested in and their lifestyle and ideas don’t gel with mine. I just choose to opt out of such a social circle. I think the really good men are certainly a minority. But given the size of the population, they still make a sizable minority.

My husband is a very faithful and caring. He was a virgin when I met him, he was 24. He had never been anywhere near intimate with a woman. He’s very giving and generous. He is very conservative, as am I, and was raised in a fairly conservative family. His father has been a good role model. In turn, I believe he is a good role model to his son. When I am thinking of the ‘plenty of good men’, I am thinking of his friends and associates. They are all good, intelligent, kind, helpful and caring men - and this is true in their marriages as well. I wish everyone could find men such as these.

I am encouraged when I think of some of the teenage boys I know. One recently was discussing sex with a group and all the boys in the group seemed to think it was just something to do and of course everyone did it. This boy of 16 pointed out that you wait for the one person you marry, and you stay with that one person for life, this is what the church teaches and it was a decision everyone could make. This was a revelation. This boys parents are very wise and the father is a good role model and involved in his life. I know other boys like this. They will grow up to make strong husbands and these boys encourage me on behalf of my daughters.

 

[LSK]

Lexee15:

The reason I started this post was to get insight on how I could keep my son from being like his father especially since there won’t be a father figure around for him to set a good example. My husband’s father died when he was about 5 years old, but from what I hear he is behaving just as his father did and he didn’t even grow up with him!!! Do you see my worry about my children?

ABSOLUTELY! And I can see that you would be worried that your own anger and bitterness would end up being translated to your male child (your father’s father was a big loser! your father was a big loser! I sure hope you don’t turn out like that!). Not that you would ever intentionally do anything to emotionally scare your child, but I would have never intentionally done anything to break my mother’s heart - and I did…over and over again…

You will probably have to make an extra effort to make sure your son is around good, solid Catholic men. You’ll need to make a lot of personal sacrifices to insure this - my mom did (bless her little heart). My brother was in Boy’s Scouts, CYO, was an Altar Server etc…anything that brought him into contact with men who were active members of our Parish my mother got him into also, so that my brother would not think that the only way to be a man was to be a womanizer, drink too much and never get on your knees to pray…of course, it meant that she didn’t get to do much other than go to work and raise us kids…no dates, no getting her hair done, no new shoes or dresses, no vacations…we did a whole bunch of nerdy family stuff together…come to think of it, my Dad (though he reconciled with the Church before he died) died alone and Mom lives with me - at 84 she is the much beloved matriarch of her family.

BUT I am sure people would say she sacrificed far FAR too much for her kids…didn’t think enough about herself…

 

[jimmy]

Lexee15:

Why does it seem like it’s “okay” for men to behave badly? Morally speaking who’s resposibility is it to teach men what marriage vows are? Don’t get me wrong I know that there are women who behave badly…but I’m not talking about that, women are expected to know and live their vows if they don’t they are whores, sluts, loose, etc.

It seems that every woman I talk to, especially older women have the attitude that men cheat…there’s no getting around it. I cannot accept that :nope: !!! That there are no faithful men and those that are around are 1 in 10,000 …good luck finding that one. Who tells men to be good human beings? Obviously it’s not addressed enough in pre-cana, it doesn’t sink in. Do we just accept that men are weaker therefore deal and accept their bad behavior?

Is it the mother’s job, the father’s job to instill respect, loyalty, fidelity, and just plain good moral and values? I have a son and it scares me to death to think he will one day treat the woman in his life like his father has treated me. What needs to happen to raise upstanding young men, men of good, men of God, men of respect?

What makes it so easy for a man to have an affair…that they won’t get pregnant, that they won’t be labeled, that it’s expected of them??? Since when, why is it that I can understand my vows but not my husband, why did I know that when I united my life with him my single life ended, and I was okay with that…I knew what was expected of me…I may not have been the best wife, but I was new at it and I was trying.

Who will take resposibility for the terrible behavior of men, are they just the weaker sex?

Men are no weaker than women. Women are just as bad as men anymore. Go to a college campus on halloween night and you will see how girls act and dress anymore.

This isn’t meant to sound like a defensive post. It is meant to say that both men and women are morally corrupt.

 

[LSK]

jimmy:

Men are no weaker than women. Women are just as bad as men anymore. Go to a college campus on halloween night and you will see how girls act and dress anymore.

This isn’t meant to sound like a defensive post. It is meant to say that both men and women are morally corrupt.

It is not defensive sounding at all - sadly, you are correct. Many women today are as disrespectful of themselves and their sexuality as many men. That is why, when Lexee asked, who is responsible so many people here have answered that both men and women are responsible for behaving with holiness.

 

[Beaver]

There are only two sacraments which are considered covenants. They are Marriage and Eucharist. This is no mistake, it is because the two are one. This is why I proposed to my wife with the words, “Blessed are you amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, for it shall bear my children.”.

Each and every Mass is an annunciation, a proposal brought forth by Jesus through the priest. The priest overshadows the gifts of bread and wine via the Holy Spirit just like the Angel Gabriel said unto Mary, “The Holy Spirit shall come upon you and the power of the Most High will overshadow you.”. This is why the bread and the wine become the Real Presence. We should be just like Mary and say “How can this be?”, and then say “Be it done unto me according to your word.”. Paul said that we become a New Creation in Christ, and so it is that we are born again at each and every Mass. You can see this when the priest places his hands over the gifts and says, “Come Holy Spirit over these gifts of bread and wine”.

When we were Baptized, we were espoused to Christ, the Bridegroom and now He consummates our relationship at each and every Mass for we are the bride of Christ. The husband and wife also consummate there relationship and that act is explained to us at each and every Mass by the actions of the priest, the bridegroom, and his bride, the congregation. This is why marriage is Holy and why the two are one. The husband and wife are a walking, talking Eucharist because Christ and His Eucharist is our first marriage and the bridge we walk to enter into our domestic marriages. We will never understand marriage until we understand Christ and His Eucharist.

After the consecration of the bread and wine, the priest will divide the large Host in two, displays it and saying “ This is the Lamb of God”. This division of the Body of Christ is the sign of the covenant. Therefore it is important to understand what a covenant is. A covenant is a ancient rite in which two tribe entered into a binding relationship. The sign of the covenant was the division of a two year old heifer into two halves. Now the tribes would separate into two bodies, one body to the left and one to the right watching as their leaders pass between the two halves, entering into covenant. The two leaders agreed that if any member of their tribe would disobey the terms of the covenant, that that leader would be divide just like the two year old heifer was divided. This is why covenants must be taken seriously. In covenant the two tribes became one tribe. Another term for this is family.

Notice that in the marriage ceremony the tribes are divided into two, one to the left and the other body to the right. This establishes the covenantal relationship described above. Notice also that the married couple walk between the two tribes attending the ceremony to establish the covenant of marriage. Thus they say “Until death do us part”. This only reflect the seriousness of the covenant the couple just entered into.

These two covenants should be taken seriously. The couples in marriage and the Eucharist are bound together by God. As the first Adam said “Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh”. Just like the Eucharist though divided came from one Host, the couple though divided, husband and wife, are one family.

This is why covenants are a firm sign of unity, and why the church is called the Body of Christ. A family can not survive without the truth, not our church family nor our domestic families. Speak it, look at it, live it, do not be afraid of the truth.

Maybe weakness come when we don not understand…

 

[Island_Oak]

Lexee15:

What makes it so easy for a man to have an affair…Who will take resposibility for the terrible behavior of men, are they just the weaker sex?

Let me see if I’ve got this right…you’re married to a man who has been unfaithful and/or otherwise treated you poorly, has ongoing addictions and has been a bad example to your son and the consequences you imposed on him for that conduct were…to climb into bed with him 5 weeks ago and make another baby??? And then you ask who is responsible for men not being held accountable and this cycle continuing over and over again? C’mon honey…

 

[cargopilot]

And the award for the kindest, most helpful, most charitable post goes to…
Island Oak:

Let me see if I’ve got this right…you’re married to a man who has been unfaithful and/or otherwise treated you poorly, has ongoing addictions and has been a bad example to your son and the consequences you imposed on him for that conduct were…to climb into bed with him 5 weeks ago and make another baby??? And then you ask who is responsible for men not being held accountable and this cycle continuing over and over again? C’mon honey…

 

[Lexee15]

cargopilot:

And the award for the kindest, most helpful, most charitable post goes to…

Thanks cargopilot

 

[Lexee15]

Island Oak:

Let me see if I’ve got this right…you’re married to a man who has been unfaithful and/or otherwise treated you poorly, has ongoing addictions and has been a bad example to your son and the consequences you imposed on him for that conduct were…to climb into bed with him 5 weeks ago and make another baby??? And then you ask who is responsible for men not being held accountable and this cycle continuing over and over again? C’mon honey…

I went into that, if you would have read all of my post or the others. I have acknowledeged that it was a “false” reconciliation on his part, not mine. Also, I do not use artificial contraception I use NFP and I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant according to my calculations…but I did, so I chalk that up to nothing but a blessing, because that’s what my children are…blessings even if their father isn’t worth squat!!! If you have constructive criticism or advice please give it, if you’re going to be rude and uncharitable please refrain, I’m sure I’m not the only one going through a situation like this and what is posted here will help others as well as me, thanks.

 

[Island_Oak]

Hey, folks…I didn’t attack anyone. Look at the substance of my post instead of focusing on whether it’s p.c. or a message delivered with kid gloves.

If we as women–married or otherwise–aren’t using our brains when the evidence about immoral/abusive conduct of our partners is staring us straight in the face, I ask you who do we have to blame for the mess our lives can become?! It may be a harsh truth, but it is a valid truth…and neither society, poor role models, the media or the like can be blamed when we choose to close our eyes to the reality of our circumstances and jump into the muck with both feet. Unfortunately, and irresponsibly, we’re all too often dragging children along for the ride as well–which is really the ultimate tragedy.

It may not be pretty, but go ahead and tell me how what I’ve said here is false. We’ve all read one too many of these stories on CAFs, seen them in our own families, social circles, maybe even lived them in our own lives. Wishing, hoping and praying sometimes aren’t enough to overcome a bad reality–those with common sense learn that quickly and stop allowing themselves to be used/abused. Those without it can churn with despair for years.

 

[Courtneyjo]

Yes, Lexee has to take responsiblity for her actions. LSK addressed this in her posts.

Lexee will have plenty of time to consider what she could have done differently in while waiting for the new baby to come. The goal is not to beat herself up, but to not make the same mistake twice. It is a hard way to learn about yourself and others.

The fact is that there is an innocent little baby on the way. This baby will be a blessing. My uncle was born in similar circumstances and he was a rock for his mother and a second father to me.

People make mistakes, but God doesn’t.

 

[Lexee15]

Courtneyjo:

Yes, Lexee has to take responsiblity for her actions. LSK addressed this in her posts.

Lexee will have plenty of time to consider what she could have done differently in while waiting for the new baby to come. The goal is not to beat herself up, but to not make the same mistake twice. It is a hard way to learn about yourself and others.

The fact is that there is an innocent little baby on the way. This baby will be a blessing. My uncle was born in similar circumstances and he was a rock for his mother and a second father to me.

People make mistakes, but God doesn’t.

Thank you Courtneyjo, I am definately looking at where I went wrong. I always considered myself an intelligent person, and to tell the truth I surrounded myself with good people, not all church going but they were decent. Now I will pretty much only associate myself with Godly people, people of faith and close to the church, lesson #1 learned. I was 31 years old when I married, I had done the right things, I had never let myself be dooped by any man…until now. I was determined to finish my education, have a career a good job, and I did all that. I had purchased my own home and had a new car…all on my own. Now, the only thing missing was the family that I wanted, I had relationships I was very objective and ended them when they didn’t meet my expectations, some good men some not so good. I was able to discern who would be good for me and who wouldn’t…I honestly don’t know what happened when I met my husband. I think I let myself be swept away with his words, enough to set aside my rule to not date men with children or who were divorced. I can’t explain it, and maybe there are some out there who understand what I’m trying to say…I fell in love with him, I let my feelings take over my intellect…that was my mistake! Now, I’m just trying to make the best of a bad situation, I just want (name removed by moderator)ut on what I should do to be the best mother I can be in the absence of a father. I never said I was free of responsibilty…I made some bad choices, but I am not responsible for his bad behavior, I’ve kept my vows even if he hasn’t, I respect him even if he doesn’t respect me.

 

[Darrel]

I can speak only for my marriage of a wopping 3.5 months. One of the best things I do with my wife is pray the rosary together ever day with little exception. Like the old saying goes the family that prays together stays together. At some point all truth needs to be confronted and God can repair anything. Have you been as direct with your husband as you have been in this forum? I hope there is some hope to reconcile things. If not then prayer and decent moral foundation from mom is the best bet for the little ones.

Onto the topic of men being weaker. Most people these days are living out looser morals. Most men embrace degenerate living as the norm. There are also a multitude of women out there to help them do so. People are corrupt on both sides. I see men and women making the same mistakes, men are just more open about it.

-D

 

[I_A]

Just a note: I am at college, there were girls dressed in lingerie for Holoween in front of 7,500 students at the football stadim tonight walking around like nobody’s business.