Men Are Weaker!?

[mary_s_kid]

Island Oak:

Hey, folks…I didn’t attack anyone. Look at the substance of my post instead of focusing on whether it’s p.c. or a message delivered with kid gloves.

If we as women–married or otherwise–aren’t using our brains when the evidence about immoral/abusive conduct of our partners is staring us straight in the face, I ask you who do we have to blame for the mess our lives can become?! It may be a harsh truth, but it is a valid truth…and neither society, poor role models, the media or the like can be blamed when we choose to close our eyes to the reality of our circumstances and jump into the muck with both feet. Unfortunately, and irresponsibly, we’re all too often dragging children along for the ride as well–which is really the ultimate tragedy.

It may not be pretty, but go ahead and tell me how what I’ve said here is false. We’ve all read one too many of these stories on CAFs, seen them in our own families, social circles, maybe even lived them in our own lives. Wishing, hoping and praying sometimes aren’t enough to overcome a bad reality–those with common sense learn that quickly and stop allowing themselves to be used/abused. Those without it can churn with despair for years.

This post sounds very secular, Oak. As Catholics and Christians we are called to forgive. If you’ve ever been involved in a situation where your husband has committed adultery you would know how difficult it is to forgive when what you really want to do is beat the you know what out of him and throw him out among other things. Lexee forgave her husband. She believed they had reconciled. Being Catholic, she remained faithful to Catholic teaching and did not resort to artificial B.C. but used NFP and found herself pregnant anyway. She gave her husband a gift when she forgave him and gave her 6 month old son a second chance to grow up in an intact family. Heroic, in my eyes. Her husband threw all that away. As I see it, her husband is dragging the children down, not Lexee.
As far as seeing the “reality of our circumstances” is concerned, it seems she learned the reality after she married him which makes things just a bit more complicated.

 

[Lexee15]

mary's kid:

This post sounds very secular, Oak. As Catholics and Christians we are called to forgive. If you’ve ever been involved in a situation where your husband has committed adultery you would know how difficult it is to forgive when what you really want to do is beat the you know what out of him and throw him out among other things. Lexee forgave her husband. She believed they had reconciled. Being Catholic, she remained faithful to Catholic teaching and did not resort to artificial B.C. but used NFP and found herself pregnant anyway. She gave her husband a gift when she forgave him and gave her 6 month old son a second chance to grow up in an intact family. Heroic, in my eyes. Her husband threw all that away. As I see it, her husband is dragging the children down, not Lexee.
As far as seeing the “reality of our circumstances” is concerned, it seems she learned the reality after she married him which makes things just a bit more complicated.

Thank you mary’skid, you really have summed up what has happened, I don’t know if I’d call it heroic I was just doing what I thought was best for my child and family. I had to put my pride, resentment, hatered and bitterness aside to look at what was best, unfortunately my husband was his same selfish self. He certainly didn’t protray himself as who he really is at the time we met, one of the reasons I married him was because of his generous and caring heart…well it turned out that was not the case, he’s cold, cruel, calculating and manipulative…he did a wonderful acting job to win me over…it was an Oscar worthy performance now that I look back. I do blame myself for not being more observant, one thing that didn’t help was that of our two year courtship a year and a half of that we spent in a long distance relationship, I was in California he was in Chicago. I suggest to NEVER EVER have a long distance relationship if it’s someone you’re considering marrying, it’s too hard to really get to know someone, I wish it would have just ended during that time, unfortunately it didn’t and now here I am .

 

[LSK]

Lexee15:

Thank you mary’skid, you really have summed up what has happened, I don’t know if I’d call it heroic I was just doing what I thought was best for my child and family. I had to put my pride, resentment, hatered and bitterness aside to look at what was best, unfortunately my husband was his same selfish self. He certainly didn’t protray himself as who he really is at the time we met, one of the reasons I married him was because of his generous and caring heart…well it turned out that was not the case, he’s cold, cruel, calculating and manipulative…he did a wonderful acting job to win me over…it was an Oscar worthy performance now that I look back. I do blame myself for not being more observant, one thing that didn’t help was that of our two year courtship a year and a half of that we spent in a long distance relationship, I was in California he was in Chicago. I suggest to NEVER EVER have a long distance relationship if it’s someone you’re considering marrying, it’s too hard to really get to know someone, I wish it would have just ended during that time, unfortunately it didn’t and now here I am .

I think falling prey to a sociopath is one of the toughest, scariest lessons God can permit us to learn. When it happened to me, I thought the hurt would kill me…I mean it, Lexee. I thought I would die. And I kept thinking, “why ME??? What did I do to deserve this?” But I read your heartbreaking posts, and I see this last one, and I read your burgeoning wisdom (don’t EVER have a long distance relationship) and I start to see some more of the good (besides your beautiful children) coming from the evil this man inflicted on you…you have nothing to be ashamed of, but you can start to see the mistakes you made…just as I started to see, after awhile, the mistakes I made with Mr. Creepo (ok, ok…so I still have some work to do in the Christian Charity department…). I think you are a wonderful woman.

 

[Lexee15]

LSK:

I think falling prey to a sociopath is one of the toughest, scariest lessons God can permit us to learn. When it happened to me, I thought the hurt would kill me…I mean it, Lexee. I thought I would die. And I kept thinking, “why ME??? What did I do to deserve this?” But I read your heartbreaking posts, and I see this last one, and I read your burgeoning wisdom (don’t EVER have a long distance relationship) and I start to see some more of the good (besides your beautiful children) coming from the evil this man inflicted on you…you have nothing to be ashamed of, but you can start to see the mistakes you made…just as I started to see, after awhile, the mistakes I made with Mr. Creepo (ok, ok…so I still have some work to do in the Christian Charity department…). I think you are a wonderful woman.

Thank you so much LSK, this is definately not the way I would have liked to learn these lessons, but I figure everything happens for a reason. I have pretty much always been a person who learns from others mistakes, I was never one to want to experience everything first hand, I’m not sure what happened this time. Maybe God knew that I thought I had it all figured out just cause I had a pretty good head on my shoulders, I didn’t acknowledge Him and thank Him for guiding me. I’m glad to hear you got away from that terrible man, Bless you and you are all in my prayers also, thank God for CAF.

 

[aspawloski4th]

I dont know where the idea came from that men have less expectation on them not to cheat on marriage. If I was found out to be cheating on my wife , my dad would be the first one giving me a good kick in the fanny, and a hard one I might add. the door swings both ways.

 

[jman507]

aspawloski4th:

I dont know where the idea came from that men have less expectation on them not to cheat on marriage. If I was found out to be cheating on my wife , my dad would be the first one giving me a good kick in the fanny, and a hard one I might add. the door swings both ways.

I am sure your glad you have that in place, and understand the value of that. I’d even say your better off for it. I think there is a big problem becuase many don’t have that. Then it is backed up in the media that it doesn’t matter. The crazy thing is that as good and fun as it might be at the moment of going out & cheating, the whole thing is going to amount to more pain than pleasure.

Its kinda crazy the influence a dad can have. Mom can have some influence, she can really teach a lot, she can guilt you into something, but it seems to me when dad has been a decent dad what he can deeply influence you, an influence that comes through without even thinking of it.

 

[Lexee15]

aspawloski4th:

I dont know where the idea came from that men have less expectation on them not to cheat on marriage. If I was found out to be cheating on my wife , my dad would be the first one giving me a good kick in the fanny, and a hard one I might add. the door swings both ways.

You are so lucky, this is the major problem, most fathers believe it’s the son’s rite of initiation to have multiple premarital partners. The more the manlier they are…unfortunately this carries on into marriage and they continue to based their manhood on the number of conquests. This is why it’s expected of men, the grandfather did it, the father did it, the son will do it and most likely the grandson will be expected to do it. I wish there were more men like your father and like you…who expect men to behave with respect and honor toward the women in their lives. I hope to one day be able to raise my son with this kind of respect for himself and others.

 

[aspawloski4th]

funny thing he didnt get it from his father, but got those values from both his grandfathers who both lived a bit into his adulthood. a good example of the value of grand parents Id say.

 

[migurl]

I didn’t have time to read thru this whole thread, so I apologize if I repeat anything. I think that women today have to accept some responsiblity for how men act. I say this because most men are looking for the approval of women, they like having us pay attention to them. So, logically, if a man acts like a child and we pay attention, they are going to continue on that path. BUT if we ignore them, as in not react at all, then they will eventually have to change and at some point they may start acting how they should and THEN we will notice. Women need to stop accepting men as these weaker beings. They aren’t. It’s just that no one is forcing them to grow up. Don’t ever let them use that “but I’m a guy” excuse for why they stray or are lazy. My fiance uses that phrase but only because it is true in some ways. For example, men like physical activities and working with their hands, so he likes to ride bikes and play raquetball. Those are good things, but he would never say "i cheated on you cuz I’m a guy and that’s what guys do?, he knows that is a lie.

 

[Lexee15]

migurl:

I didn’t have time to read thru this whole thread, so I apologize if I repeat anything. I think that women today have to accept some responsiblity for how men act. I say this because most men are looking for the approval of women, they like having us pay attention to them. So, logically, if a man acts like a child and we pay attention, they are going to continue on that path. BUT if we ignore them, as in not react at all, then they will eventually have to change and at some point they may start acting how they should and THEN we will notice. Women need to stop accepting men as these weaker beings. They aren’t. It’s just that no one is forcing them to grow up. Don’t ever let them use that “but I’m a guy” excuse for why they stray or are lazy. My fiance uses that phrase but only because it is true in some ways. For example, men like physical activities and working with their hands, so he likes to ride bikes and play raquetball. Those are good things, but he would never say "i cheated on you cuz I’m a guy and that’s what guys do?, he knows that is a lie.

That’s true, but who should be the one who starts holding them accountable for their behavior. Is it the mothers, because let’s be honest by the time the wife gets him it’s too late. Unless you get a man who is mature enough to acknowledge that he needs to change or is willing take advice, suggestions or direction you don’t have much of a chance. Where does that start? For some reason girls are taught how to behave, what’s expected of them, etc., almost all the women I know, that are or have been in my life are girls who take their obligations and resposibilities seriously, I don’t know any of them who have cheated on their husbands…I can’t say the same for thier husbands. They’ve either cheated, are into porn or strippers, are drinkers, etc., etc. Why do men do this? I’m not saying women don’t, just not as much as men…I don’t have stats but from my experience I see 1 in 15 women with this behavior and 1 in 3 men…just an example…why? That’s where my questions comes from…are men weaker? What is the reason they fall into this, what should parents do? More of dad’s job or mom’s to teach them respect for women and themselves? What if it’s a one parent home? Once you’re married how do you hold him accountable for this behavior…leave him, no sex (look at seminolgirl’s threads), they’re not children. This is a dillema !