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monicatholic
Guest
well, heck yes, a proper translation is always desired–even if it is uncomfortable. i just heard this on catholic radio and thought i was being real smart to repeat it.
but my catholicism becomes suspect?
oh.
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but my catholicism becomes suspect?
oh.
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dakotagirl
Guest
Oh dear. I guess I just have a careless way of expressing myself that comes off as disrespectful. What’s your excuse?
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Jermosh
Guest
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. I do not see anything in your post that shows you are not doing as God designed.
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monicatholic
Guest
i don’t have an excuse, there’s nothing in my posts in this thread that needs to be excused.
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dakotagirl
Guest
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mini_me640
Guest
Alright so the latest is that I did begin submitting in every way I could think to regardless of the lack of demand to do so… Just doing things according to his preference rather than mine, asking for his (name removed by moderator)ut on more things, etc. And he really has responded with noticably more assertiveness. Then I did verbally convey how much I respect him, and that I am trying to improve on some areas in which I feel I have lacked in our marriage so far. Today, I did something small I would NEVER have done before. Instead of just telling him I was leaving early for my evening teaching job to go to the bookstore (therefore leaving him on baby duty early 
) , I asked him if I could. Of course he said it was fine and I felt good that I asked him, even though it was hard to get out the words “May I leave early…” LOL I have caught myself a few times resisting him on things (that didn’t really matter - I just have a hard time not making the decisions myself) and was able to stop myself from mouthing off and so I acquiesed. I feel better.
Prayers please for strengthening of my husband’s faith that he would perhaps take over the spiritual leadership in our home… Not that he’s weak in belief - more so in knowledge beyond the basic tenets of faith, he just hasn’t made the effort to educate himself the way I have on our faith, and he kind of depends on me to keep him informed drive the spiritual ship… I would love him to take the lead in that arena.
) , I asked him if I could. Of course he said it was fine and I felt good that I asked him, even though it was hard to get out the words “May I leave early…” LOL I have caught myself a few times resisting him on things (that didn’t really matter - I just have a hard time not making the decisions myself) and was able to stop myself from mouthing off and so I acquiesed. I feel better.Prayers please for strengthening of my husband’s faith that he would perhaps take over the spiritual leadership in our home… Not that he’s weak in belief - more so in knowledge beyond the basic tenets of faith, he just hasn’t made the effort to educate himself the way I have on our faith, and he kind of depends on me to keep him informed drive the spiritual ship… I would love him to take the lead in that arena.
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GoBison
Guest
I haven’t read your entire thread but does your husband know how much it would mean to you for him to be the spiritual leader in your family. And know as in did you actually tell him in man language.
From your post it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job improving your life and marriage.
From your post it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job improving your life and marriage.
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John21652
Guest
Keep asking “what do you think…” and he will respond. He will kniow you value his opinions and he will become confident in putting them forward. This does not mean you shouldn’t state your opinions, just so long as you encourage his and then you will have genuine dialogue.Alright so the latest is that I did begin submitting in every way I could think to regardless of the lack of demand to do so… Just doing things according to his preference rather than mine, asking for his (name removed by moderator)ut on more things, etc. And he really has responded with noticably more assertiveness. Then I did verbally convey how much I respect him, and that I am trying to improve on some areas in which I feel I have lacked in our marriage so far. Today, I did something small I would NEVER have done before. Instead of just telling him I was leaving early for my evening teaching job to go to the bookstore (therefore leaving him on baby duty early
Prayers please for strengthening of my husband’s faith that he would perhaps take over the spiritual leadership in our home… Not that he’s weak in belief - more so in knowledge beyond the basic tenets of faith, he just hasn’t made the effort to educate himself the way I have on our faith, and he kind of depends on me to keep him informed drive the spiritual ship… I would love him to take the lead in that arena.
Asking him if you could go early showed him you cared about how he felt. That’s wonderful. It’s just all about charity, that’s all. No big deal really. It doesn’t lessen you or your opinions one iota. It just means you are demonstrably appreciating him. Truly wonderful stuff!!
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ac_claire
Guest
Just curious as to what telling him in “man language” would mean. I need to learn this language lol
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chevalier
Guest
“Man language” as a rule follows the standard structure of basic English language, including basic grammar, simple syntax and no shades of meaning. Hope this helps.
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ac_claire
Guest
So, just regular language but very straight-forward? I’m assuming that’s what you mean by no shades of meaning.
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GoBison
Guest
Exactly. Just tell him straight out how you feel. No hinting about it thinking he will get your meaning.
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whatevergirl
Guest
Wait, what are you saying?? 
Men are not mind readers? 
Men are not mind readers?
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whatevergirl
Guest
I agree here. (bolded by me) It’s important that both husband and wife respect each other’s views…that the husband isn’t making each and every decision, without any (name removed by moderator)ut from his wife. I don’t see that type of marriage working out too well.Keep asking “what do you think…” and he will respond. He will kniow you value his opinions and he will become confident in putting them forward. **This does not mean you shouldn’t state your opinions, just so long as you encourage his and then you will have genuine dialogue. **
Asking him if you could go early showed him you cared about how he felt. That’s wonderful. It’s just all about charity, that’s all. No big deal really. It doesn’t lessen you or your opinions one iota. It just means you are demonstrably appreciating him. Truly wonderful stuff!!
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Jay82
Guest
A perfect example of this would be a woman I know who told her husband of many years she didn’t want anything for Valentines day. So he didn’t get her anything and she was really upset and mad at him.Wait, what are you saying??
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whatevergirl
Guest
Yeah, that’s a shame when people play games with each other.
In the Bible Jesus tells us ALL to mean what we say…“let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no.” Goes for wives, too. 
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chevalier
Guest
Wait, what are you saying??
Okay, while fully realising we’re joking etc., it must be pointed out that sometimes men do learn to read minds. However, that kind of reading is fallible and sometimes it’s considered creepy. What is more, in some cases, it just complicates life because you get to pick up a lot of factors that won’t matter in the end.
I have a *huge *issue with giving a straightforward communication while expecting the opposite thing. However, in that case it’s obvious the woman in question first of all needs a hug and she’s quite in need of attention. She feels neglected and wants the man to give her attention and pamper her a bit, plus, she wants him to come up with it on his own rather than merely doing it on her request. This much is obvious.
Plus, you don’t really ask a woman what she wants to get in such situations and you can’t really expect her to give you a ready answer. Hence the “nothing”, which is probably an expression of hurt and possibly resentment, with very little textual value. It’s a symbol, not a normal communication. (She wants nothing from him because he had to ask her or because she was already feeling a bit neglected, or she wants nothing but she would like something). It’s a human reaction and I don’t find it’s confined to women only (“What’s eating at you, Mister?” “D’oh. Nuthin’.”–Man keeps staring at his feet while squashing a half-burnt cigarette between his fingers… familiar?), it needs compassion and first of all the problem is bigger than just the little thing which is asked. Still, anyone inclined to react in this way would probably do better by finding the resolve to verbalise the concern. Maybe not in a direct way, which could be somewhat humiliating to some people, but at least turning the conversation to the right problem (to the right wrong, so to say), so that the other person can get the hint at least. (e.g. “A gift for Valentine’s? Man, do you even remember when I last went out dancing?”… or, “A bit of genuine interest?” or “Come up with something!”)
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otjm
Guest
How about the flip side: some men ( and I am trying to be polite) have no clue what to get someone else - another guy or a woman, and they ask a specific, direct question. That in and of itself may hurt a woman’s feelings (much less likely to hurt a guy’s) because she wants him to come up with something that expresses his love and affection for her.I have a *huge *issue with giving a straightforward communication while expecting the opposite thing. However, in that case it’s obvious the woman in question first of all needs a hug and she’s quite in need of attention. She feels neglected and wants the man to give her attention and pamper her a bit, plus, she wants him to come up with it on his own rather than merely doing it on her request. This much is obvious.
Plus, you don’t really ask a woman what she wants to get in such situations and you can’t really expect her to give you a ready answer. Hence the “nothing”, which is probably an expression of hurt and possibly resentment, with very little textual value. It’s a symbol, not a normal communication. (She wants nothing from him because he had to ask her or because she was already feeling a bit neglected, or she wants nothing but she would like something).
That is not an illegitimate feeling on her part. On the other hand, women have been marrying men and thinking, directly or subliminally, that they will change him from being what they consider a boor, or inept, or unfeeling, into what they picture as the romantic individual they want the man to be. And that goes back to Eve…
She was asked (apparently, and perhaps too bluntly) what she wanted. She answered directly and got what she asked for, and now she is mad/hurt/disappointed. And perhaps she was by the question itself.
Part of her hurt feelings are his fault, for being blunt (how hard is it to ask for some ideas?) and part are her fault, for playing “cute” with the answer. He needs to clean up his act. She needs to understand she married a man, not a woman, and men are not particularly good about being indirect.
In a way, they deserve each other; and in a way, they both deserve better.
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whatevergirl
Guest
*Not sure I’d base the quality of one’s marriage on one failed attempt at communication. (speaking of an isolated moment, of course)
But, to me, it’s better to be direct than not. My husband is all about directness, doesn’t like subtly. Although, he likes to do the ‘‘picking out’’ of gifts, he could use some ‘‘direction’’ every now and again. He makes that known…I then give him some ‘‘ideas.’’ I think that when a man asks a woman…’‘hey what would you like for your birthday?’’ He doesn’t expect her to say…’‘go to floor 4 of macy’s and there is a yellow shirt with purple polka dots…that is what I want.’’ No, women like some surprise. I think he is just looking for some direction, to be honest…some categories that she might be thinking of. To say nothing…I mean, that is fine, too. But, a wife should sense the meaning behind the question…so it would be odd to say ‘‘nothing,’’ and be hurt if that is what you ended up with. 
I like some basic direction, too. One of the many nice things about having a teenage daughter, is she likes to pick out gifts for family and friends…she will often sit with me, and read catalogs that come in the mail…and get a sense of my style…same with my husband…she may find out things in conversation with her dad, that I might not, and I’ll look like a hero when I buy him that perfect gift. lol So, if you have a teen girl, recruit her for help.
My husband and I have often said to each other…’‘how did you know I wanted this??’’ Oh, a lil birdie told me.
*
But, to me, it’s better to be direct than not. My husband is all about directness, doesn’t like subtly. Although, he likes to do the ‘‘picking out’’ of gifts, he could use some ‘‘direction’’ every now and again. He makes that known…I then give him some ‘‘ideas.’’ I think that when a man asks a woman…’‘hey what would you like for your birthday?’’ He doesn’t expect her to say…’‘go to floor 4 of macy’s and there is a yellow shirt with purple polka dots…that is what I want.’’ No, women like some surprise.
I think he is just looking for some direction, to be honest…some categories that she might be thinking of. To say nothing…I mean, that is fine, too. But, a wife should sense the meaning behind the question…so it would be odd to say ‘‘nothing,’’ and be hurt if that is what you ended up with. I like some basic direction, too. One of the many nice things about having a teenage daughter, is she likes to pick out gifts for family and friends…she will often sit with me, and read catalogs that come in the mail…and get a sense of my style…same with my husband…she may find out things in conversation with her dad, that I might not, and I’ll look like a hero when I buy him that perfect gift. lol
So, if you have a teen girl, recruit her for help.My husband and I have often said to each other…’‘how did you know I wanted this??’’ Oh, a lil birdie told me.
*
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chevalier
Guest
I was talking precisely about that.
Never implied that. Quite the opposite, in fact!
Oh tell me more about that.
Yes, there’s a reason I spent two paragraphs or so justifying her.
Naah, it wasn’t about being cute. It was pouting. A mild passive-aggressive reaction. And as I said, it’s by no means a female problem. I gave an example of a man doing the same.
Disagree. Both sexes can say the other sex doesn’t get basic hints. There are simply some differences in the style of communication and I very often have to make effort to be direct with a woman so she’d get it, for example, hints bouncing off, same way as it’s supposed to be when it’s the woman being metaphorical or something. Basically, each sex expects the other to think alike and that’s the mistake.
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