Men midlife crisis. Does it happen to every man?

[E_7]

Hi all,

In another thread I learned about the existence of the term “midlife crisis in men”. So I went to webmd.com and found :

How to Spot a Midlife Crisis

A true midlife crisis usually involves changing your entire life in a hurry, says Calvin Colarusso, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California San Diego. An example is a man he counseled who wrote a note to his wife, withdrew his money from the bank, and moved to another city without warning.

This type of midlife crisis is rare, Colarusso says. More often, men go through a midlife process in which they make smaller changes over time.

“You might tell your wife, ‘I’ve got to get out of this job,’ and you do. Or you say to your wife, ‘I’m done. The marriage isn’t working for me.’ You don’t change everything and you don’t do it frantically,” he says. “And for many people, after this agonizing reappraisal, they decide to stay with what they’ve got.”

Signs that you’re going through this midlife phase, or that you may soon, include:

You’ve hit your 40th birthday. Colarusso, who has a special interest in issues that affect adults as they age, most often sees men struggling with these midlife questions in their 40s and early 50s.

You’re uneasy about major elements in your life. Colarusso says this may include not being satisfied with your career, your marriage, or your health, and feeling the urge to take action to make them better.

You feel that your time for taking a new direction is running short. Many men feel a pressing need to make changes, Colarusso says, when:

• They notice that their appearance is changing or their stamina isn’t as high as it used to be.

• They become a grandfather.

• A friend or parent dies.

However, it’s not inevitable to go through a midlife crisis when those things happen.

You’re making unusual choices. Men may go through a “teenage-like rebellion” at this point in their lives, says Boston psychologist Lynn Margolies, PhD. "A sure sign you may be in a midlife crisis is if you are feeling trapped and very tempted to act out in ways that will blow up your life," she says. These may include:

• **Drinking more.**

• ** Having an affair.**
• ** Leaving your family.**

• **Feeling that your life no longer fits you.**

• **You're more concerned about your appearance.**

• **You feel more desire for excitement and thrills.**

and now I’m worried. Should I be prepared?

 

[pensmama87]

Hi all,

In another thread I learned about the existence of the term “midlife crisis in men”. So I went to webmd.com and found :

and now I’m worried. Should I be prepared?

I would not spend time “preparing” for this any more than what you already do to keeping your marriage strong. You cannot foresee every difficulty that you may have; it is not wise to borrow tomorrow’s trouble when you don’t even know if you will encounter it.

I am still newish married, but it’s been my experience that men I know (my father, father-in-law, uncles, friends’ parents, etc.) who go through the extremes of “mid-life crises” were generally already in pretty unhappy and unstable situations.

The most extreme my dad got was wanting a motorcycle for a while.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’d say that if you do not reexamine your priorities or re-dedicate yourself to your commitments on a regular basis, then yes, you can expect that some day you are going to wake up from your sleep walk and wonder what you’ve been thinking. If you pay attention to your life and don’t assume that you will see all your priorities in exactly the same light for your entire life, this is less likely to happen to you.

I think that it is inevitable, however, to be shaken by the shock of close friends dying, divorcing, or by the experience of a catastrophe, whether in our lives or in those close to us. Many people turn over a new leaf at a time like this. That isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, this renewal sets people back on an earlier course that they had not noticed they had left. They make their marriages a priority again, they dedicate themselves more seriously to realizing a goal that was not going to be attained at their present rate of progress, or they finally renounce something that they had meant to renounce for a long time. That isn’t just OK. That is a good thing.

After all, in his book The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis put the following words in the mouth of the devil: The safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.

 

[clem456]

Hi all,

In another thread I learned about the existence of the term “midlife crisis in men”. So I went to webmd.com and found :

and now I’m worried. Should I be prepared?

I used to worry about being worried, and no I was never really prepared, for anything. Not childrearing, not working lots of hours, being married, I was not prepared for any of it, By the grace of God we get through these things to his greater glory. My midlife crisis was really a crisis of belief and a struggle with selfishness.

Preparation, for me, means surrendering my life to Jesus Christ, praying, listening to him**, especially when things are going well. While this does not prepare me for the practical details of every eventuality, it lets me know who is really in control of life, and it ain’t me.

 

[Kenny_Kamel]

I’m 33 and feel like I’m in a mid-life crisis situation. Less than 2 months ago I left a job I was miserable in only to find that my current job, while different, is causing me to be equally depressed for different reasons. I’m thinking of just taking my savings and moving anywhere else, I don’t know what I would do or how I would survive but I am tired of the same nonsense I’ve been doing in my professional life for the past nine years.

I would like to pursue a religious vocation but every vocations director and my Bishop has said I have a vocation to matrimony. I am not in a place to pursue that vocation and I may never be, I cannot even find a female remotely interested in pursuing the vocation at all let alone with me. I’ve got a job that pays well, has good benefits, but to say I’m completely unhappy and frankly discontent in life is an understatement. My faith life is the only thing keeping my head above water.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Eh… I wouldn’t worry. As usual, Easter Joy’s advice is solid-- live a balanced life, assess what you’re doing and why, your goals for the future and examine if you’re putting things off needlessly or for a good reason.

Sometimes folks label things. There are natural phases to life, some things you just can’t do while raising kids while they’re young. It’s only natural to then do those things after the kids are older. I wouldn’t call that a crisis, it’s just timing.

I’ve seen more middle aged women going through radical changes of behavior than men. May just be the area/time I’m living in, or the fact that middle aged women are more susceptible to depression than men.

 

[Exiled_Child]

I’m 33 and feel like I’m in a mid-life crisis situation. Less than 2 months ago I left a job I was miserable in only to find that my current job, while different, is causing me to be equally depressed for different reasons. I’m thinking of just taking my savings and moving anywhere else, I don’t know what I would do or how I would survive but I am tired of the same nonsense I’ve been doing in my professional life for the past nine years.

I would like to pursue a religious vocation but every vocations director and my Bishop has said I have a vocation to matrimony. I am not in a place to pursue that vocation and I may never be, I cannot even find a female remotely interested in pursuing the vocation at all let alone with me. I’ve got a job that pays well, has good benefits, but to say I’m completely unhappy and frankly discontent in life is an understatement. My faith life is the only thing keeping my head above water.

That really doesn’t sound like a mid-life crisis, at least as I understand the term.

It’s sounds like you’re having a real awakening, which seems like a much more positive way to frame it.

 

[JackVk]

There is now a thing known as a “quarter-life crisis”, in which young people in their early- to mid-twenties (like myself) start wondering whether they’re best years are passing them by.

I think I’ve experienced this; over the past five years or so, I’ve been a non-traditional college student, going to a junior college and taking online classes while working and living with my parents. I had to un-friend a lot of people I knew going to state universities because their photos and all looked like fun, and I was becoming jealous.

You start to second-guess your life choices. “Should I have majored in this? Should I have gone there? Why do I feel so alone? Do I really want to do this with my life?” It can be quite agonizing. And it’s not just self-pity. It’s an honest feeling of wistfulness and confusion over one’s identity.

Thankfully, I think those times are in the past for me. I’m almost done with school, and have a job that I think I can turn into a big-boy career.

 

[meltzerboy]

Hi all,

In another thread I learned about the existence of the term “midlife crisis in men”. So I went to webmd.com and found :

and now I’m worried. Should I be prepared?

While the midlife crisis appears in some men, it does not occur to all. Neither does the identity crisis of adolescence. Further, it may take various forms, and several of them are not so extreme. It is nothing to worry about so long as you pause to think rationally concerning the possible consequences of your behavior should a bizarre notion enter your mind.

 

[meltzerboy]

I’m 33 and feel like I’m in a mid-life crisis situation. Less than 2 months ago I left a job I was miserable in only to find that my current job, while different, is causing me to be equally depressed for different reasons. I’m thinking of just taking my savings and moving anywhere else, I don’t know what I would do or how I would survive but I am tired of the same nonsense I’ve been doing in my professional life for the past nine years.

I would like to pursue a religious vocation but every vocations director and my Bishop has said I have a vocation to matrimony. I am not in a place to pursue that vocation and I may never be, I cannot even find a female remotely interested in pursuing the vocation at all let alone with me. I’ve got a job that pays well, has good benefits, but to say I’m completely unhappy and frankly discontent in life is an understatement. My faith life is the only thing keeping my head above water.

Generally speaking, if a man experiences a midlife crisis–and not all do–it happens in their 40’s or 50’s. IOW, you are too young for a midlife crisis. Rather, you may be experiencing an extended identity crisis of young adulthood and/or just going through the normal developmental changes of life.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hi all,

In another thread I learned about the existence of the term “midlife crisis in men”. So I went to webmd.com and found :

and now I’m worried. Should I be prepared?

Its bunk. A psychological excuse for poor character and morals.

 

[on_the_hill]

I’m 48 and still waiting for mine to happen. My wife and I agree it probably won’t, since I never really grew up in the first place.

Kind of scary, now that I think about it. . . .

 

[Virga]

I don’t think it happens to everyone. I assumed making some changes was a normal response to significant stages in a person’s life, but not every person acts out in extreme ways. Those who can’t handle it seem to go through a “midlife crisis.”

My dad is in his late 60s now, but he started behaving a little differently due to his his fear of becoming dependent and weaker, both mentally and physically. Fortunately, aside from dressing in brighter colors and going to the gym [which is good], there hasn’t been anything too concerning.

When my sister reached the age when menopause began and saw signs of aging, weight gain etc… She started dressing much “younger” compared to her style of dress before.

My brother is almost 50 now, but he doesn’t seem to have changed at all.

I do wonder if it’s a cultural phenomenon in only countries like the US. Did this exist in other societies centuries ago? Would you find something similar in say an Aboriginal tribe?

 

[Xantippe]

I would not spend time “preparing” for this any more than what you already do to keeping your marriage strong. You cannot foresee every difficulty that you may have; it is not wise to borrow tomorrow’s trouble when you don’t even know if you will encounter it.

I am still newish married, but it’s been my experience that men I know (my father, father-in-law, uncles, friends’ parents, etc.) who go through the extremes of “mid-life crises” were generally already in pretty unhappy and unstable situations.

The most extreme my dad got was wanting a motorcycle for a while.

Right.

I have actually seen a lot of people around 50 make a lot of positive changes in their life: becoming for financially responsible, paying off debt, starting to save aggressively for retirement, becoming more careful about diet, getting serious about weight loss, starting unexpected second careers.

It can sometimes been annoying (ever been around people that can’t or won’t eat anything?) but it’s not all downhill all the way.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m 48 and still waiting for mine to happen. My wife and I agree it probably won’t, since I never really grew up in the first place.

Kind of scary, now that I think about it. . . .

Funny!

 

[Anglewannabe]

The most extreme my dad got was wanting a motorcycle for a while.

My dad bough himself roller blades for his 70th birthday. He shut off all the lights and skated in the basement only. Not sure if that is a late bloomer’s mid life crisis

My mom made him wear a helmet, knee and elbow pads and told him if he ended up in the hospital not to expect a visit from her

 

[Convert_in_99]

Its bunk. A psychological excuse for poor character and morals.

This is not the case. My husband is going through this and he doesn’t have poor character or morals. Just lots of difficult life situations we’ve been sent the past decade. Poverty, serious illness, scads of deaths in the family including his own child! If that isn’t reason enough for having a mid life crisis I don’t know what is!

 

[Convert_in_99]

To the OP, no not all men go through this. You just never know what will be sent your way. Best to just live in the present.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

I am glad that several of you decided to do a little research on the issue of men having mid-life crises. Someone else more or less insulted me over my reply to the young person who was posting about his/he father. I took it as a slight to my knowledge, wisdom, education, and experience. Not all men go through such a time in their lives, and those that do, don’t always talk about it. The same applies to menopause; some women sail through it, some have moderate problems and some have severe problems. Don’t just judge out of hand. You know who you are and that your comments were a kind of insult, yet, I do forgive you simply because I just don’t know everything and do the best I can with what brain I have.

If you don’t know something, never heard of something, doubt it, or it does not seemingly apply to what you think you know, or to you and yours-look it up.

Gen. my post are short, not to wordy and to the point, and I apologize for this longer one. Peace.

 

[pianistclare]

Hi all,

In another thread I learned about the existence of the term “midlife crisis in men”. So I went to webmd.com and found :

and now I’m worried. Should I be prepared?

Ok. I’m going to say something in all sincerity and charity.
Stop reading blogs, websites, and things that make you anxious. You are worried about way too many things. You have a young baby, and wonderful husband and life should be enjoyed and cherished at this moment. Instead of being worried that your baby is going to get germs from every surface and every person, get out and meet people! Make some friends. Arrange some mommy’s morning out dates with moms of other children, all ages.
It doesn’t really matter if they don’t do baby-led weaning, or they don’t make their wet wipes. Baths are just as good as showers. What does the Doctor say? Does he think you worry needlessly, or is he telling you that everything in the world is bad for the baby?

What matters is your sanity dear one.
Life’s too short to second guess every single move you’re going to make as a wife and mother.
Pray hard and often. Take good care of the baby and hubs…as best that you can, but truly. Take care of yourself. Make some friends of all ages. Maybe a newlywed, a mom like yourself and an older wise woman with grandchildren. Everyone can be your friend if you approach them with an open heart and mind.
Talk to your Dr. about your fears. Read some good books. You husband married you because he loves you. trust him. trust your gut. Loosen up.
Enjoy.