S
- Status
O
on_the_hill
Guest
Well, in a little more than a year my wife and I will be facing the 7 year itch for the third time. Nothing happened the first two times.
I had a quarter life crisis in my mid-20s. Much like midleagedguy, I got my motorcycle license, bought one, finally ended a rotten relationship with a troubled girlfriend, went to grad school and had a rebirth. I hardly ever rode the motorcycle because it seemed like more hassle than fun and it sat in my mother’s garage for 15 years before I finally sold it. Coincidentally, or not, after i wiped out on my father-in-law’s bike. I took it as a sign from God.
I had a quarter life crisis in my mid-20s. Much like midleagedguy, I got my motorcycle license, bought one, finally ended a rotten relationship with a troubled girlfriend, went to grad school and had a rebirth. I hardly ever rode the motorcycle because it seemed like more hassle than fun and it sat in my mother’s garage for 15 years before I finally sold it. Coincidentally, or not, after i wiped out on my father-in-law’s bike. I took it as a sign from God.
S
styrgwillidar
Guest
And the decisions you have to make to balance your goals/desires with your responsibilities. I love to fly, flew for the military and have civilian ratings including commercial and instrument rotary wing; Airline Transport Pilot (ATP) multi-engine. I’ve got my SCUBA certification. Tried skydiving and liked it (…if you ever do this, look into doing accelerated free-fall so you’re on your own after pulling the drogue vice being attached to an instructor). I have my motorcycle license and commuted to work that way for several years and liked it much more than driving a car. Now, those kind of things done as hobbies cost money, some of them have an element of risk. Someone talked about firearms- what about golf, or woodworking, or building a project car, or traveling-- are these all things men would have liked to have pursued but put aside as too big a drain on the family finances?
When I got out of the military always thought I’d be flying as a career- but it paid a whole lot less and would have entailed a lot of separation from family than other options that really didn’t appeal to me. Three kids-- what do you do? Low paying job you love requiring sacrifices by the family and limited ability to support kids education, or the high paying that will better support the family’s goals?
Wife decided at her mid-life point to make radical changes to her life, including a divorce, me getting the kids full time with her just visiting with them. A significant change in life-style and obligations/responsibilities that was what she wanted.
As a single Dad, what’s the right decision for the kids in terms of my goals/desires in terms of hobbies, job, commuting etc vs my responsibility to them? Parked the bike, stopped SCUBA, dropped pursuing the skydive certification. In some ways I have chosen not to be me, but be the person I need to be to fulfill what I see as my obligations.
After the last one is 18 and I’ve figured out how we pay for his college. Is my getting back on the bike, taking up SCUBA again, pursuing the skydiving certification, and quitting the high paying job for a low paying flying job a ‘mid-life crisis’; or just the right decision given the change in money, time, and responsibilities?
I think a lot of men and women are in that position. They made decisions along the way and as time, money, responsibilities allow as they get older they can get back to them. I don’t really see that as a mid-life crisis.
B
Burt_Macklin
Guest
This thread makes me feel like I should buy a motorcycle and take a bead on the northern plains. 
D
dconklin
Guest
Nah, no such thing if you can take the heat.
I turned 48 a few weeks ago. Three days earlier, my wife got laid off from her job - that pays better than my job and our oldest heads to college next week.
I could easily crumble under the pressure, but my wife and I are very supportive of each other and we have faced bigger things.
I turned 48 a few weeks ago. Three days earlier, my wife got laid off from her job - that pays better than my job and our oldest heads to college next week.
I could easily crumble under the pressure, but my wife and I are very supportive of each other and we have faced bigger things.
X
Xantippe
Guest
There are other options, as well.
My dad started researching, writing and publishing local history in his 50s. My FIL has done some very serious sailing.
My BIL (a mid 40-something) seems to be acquiring one of every heavy equipment item known to man. He recently bought himself a dump truck. Does he NEED a dump truck? (He’s a weekday white collar worker and weekend rancher/blue collar guy.) No he doesn’t need it, but he’s mechanically minded and he enjoys having his very own dump truck.
Oh, come to think of it, there ought to be some basic fairness in these splurges. If dad gets a splurge, it’s only fair that mom should get to do something nice, too, if there’s something she wants. (Finances permitting, of course.)
My dad started researching, writing and publishing local history in his 50s. My FIL has done some very serious sailing.
My BIL (a mid 40-something) seems to be acquiring one of every heavy equipment item known to man. He recently bought himself a dump truck. Does he NEED a dump truck? (He’s a weekday white collar worker and weekend rancher/blue collar guy.) No he doesn’t need it, but he’s mechanically minded and he enjoys having his very own dump truck.
Oh, come to think of it, there ought to be some basic fairness in these splurges. If dad gets a splurge, it’s only fair that mom should get to do something nice, too, if there’s something she wants. (Finances permitting, of course.)
P
pensmama87
Guest
Emphasizing, also, that it should be something she wants, and not something the husband thinks she should want…
…My mother is the sweetest, most patient woman ever, but I did have a few days where I worried that she might kill my dad the day he decided to “surprise” her with a luxury sports car (that she didn’t want and they couldn’t afford - she did need a car to drive to work, but wow, not that one.)
I don’t think that was so much “midlife crisis” as “my dad gets foolish around pretty expensive cars,” which has pretty much always been a “thing” of his.
X
Xantippe
Guest
Yeah. Expensive “surprises” for spouses are overrated, in my opinion.
I hear about people “surprising” their spouses with big trips, and I just shake my head. I think you’d have to be literally a millionaire before that would be OK.
X
Xantippe
Guest
And while I’m thinking of it, surprise pets are also a no no.
meltzerboy
New member
Whether due to a midlife crisis or not, my advice is to enjoy your parents’ eccentricities while they are still part of your life.Emphasizing, also, that it should be something she wants, and not something the husband thinks she should want…
…My mother is the sweetest, most patient woman ever, but I did have a few days where I worried that she might kill my dad the day he decided to “surprise” her with a luxury sports car (that she didn’t want and they couldn’t afford - she did need a car to drive to work, but wow, not that one.)
I don’t think that was so much “midlife crisis” as “my dad gets foolish around pretty expensive cars,” which has pretty much always been a “thing” of his.
P
pensmama87
Guest
I do enjoy them. But I can also think they are ridiculous.
X
Xantippe
Guest
My dad’s parents are in their early 90s and are still around and living independently.I do enjoy them. But I can also think they are ridiculous.
There’s a really good chance I get to enjoy at least my dad’s eccentricities for the next 25+ years.
P
pensmama87
Guest
There’s a lot of really long-lived folks in my family too. I do wish my dad would take better care of his health because I feel like if he doesn’t start soon he may still live a long time but be really miserable. It’s actually shocking he hasn’t had a heart attack or similar. I’m glad he hasn’t, but there’s part of me that thinks it’s only a matter of time.
ETA: It would be great if he had taken a note from some of these men who start taking care of themselves in their 40s and 50s! Actually, when the whole motorcycle thing was happening, my mom decided to use it as a kind of leverage to encourage him to be healthier - she told him he was welcome to buy a motorcycle if he lost a certain amount of weight. He lost about half of it but then gave up.
And then got cars instead…
R
Ridgerunner
Guest
Once I expressed to my wife that I was upset about something, and wondered aloud whether it was due to “midlife crisis”. “Oh no” she said “you had yours a long time ago, so you can’t have another one”.
Actually, I think she invented that entirely to keep me from whining. Regardless, I decided I just wasn’t entitled to one based on the very unlikely possibility I had already “used it up.”
Actually, I think she invented that entirely to keep me from whining. Regardless, I decided I just wasn’t entitled to one based on the very unlikely possibility I had already “used it up.”
E
E_7
Guest
Now that I think about men in my family, my dad has been going through the crisis since the late 40s and he is in his 60s now and he doesn’t stop and is hurting their living situation.
He retired early in his 40s just because a new supervisor was coming and he feared the supervisor would send him to do other kind of responsibilities, plus he hates paperwork. Mom became the sole breadwinner. He said to mom that he wanted to follow his dream of becoming an English as a Second Language teacher. So he went and obtained the bachelor’s degree without student loans. But since he wanted to be a professor, he took student loans and obtained a Master’s degree thanks to my poor mom who was required to help him with his thesis. It was horrible for us, because his abuse went worse (he used to hit us and yell and destroy things, but it came worse). He once told mom "YOUR DAUGHTER’S GRADES DO NOT MATTER, LET THEM GET ‘F’, I’M THE ONE YOU SHOULD BE HELPING!!! " yeah he was selfish and still is.
In his 50s, he started to look for jobs as a full-time professor (with zero experience). My grandpa had the “power” to refer him to a university that had an opening for part-time ESL professor. To no surprise he said “I’m not looking for part-time jobs, I want full time.” . But tell me seriously, don’t most professors with zero experience start as part-time? It has been very difficult for my family. He knew he had a baby and two elementary school daughters, but he still went and retired from a well-paid job just to “follow his dreams and do what he loves.”. After two years of me praying to Blessed Charlie Rodriguez, my dad got a part-time job as a professor for just one semester. Then he got another one for just one semester. It was a pain for him, emotionally, to deal with rebellious students. But they needed the money. Now he is jumping from saying “oh I want to work as a professor” to “WHAT? I DON’T NEED A JOB, I’M RETIRED!!.”
But since he retired in his 40s he started driving and spending gasoline and going to auditions for tv commercials (which he got several main roles), he has been attending paint lessons, piano lessons, bla bla bla, spending money they need just for his hobbies or boredom (they live in the mountains with no internet).
I think my sisters and I are still resentful, because we see mom suffering from diagnosed untreated depression and looking older than him (she is 15 years younger than dad.). And him “living la vida loca”. He spends almost a $100 a month just in vitamins for him. And you know what? they declared bankruptcy and they are still under it for 2 more years. They have a house that’s falling into pieces with holes where even the dog and cats come in and out. STILL, like grandma says, “there he is sitting in his briefs taking fresh air” while mom is working for survival and bringing some potatoes to the table. So he can go and spend it without her knowing (she even had to open a secret account to separate some money for gasoline and other stuff.) They have zero savings. I left, my sister left, and now the other sister has one more year before she goes to college.
Sorry it kinda sound like ranting.
LOL
X
Xantippe
Guest
Wow, that’s not a pretty picture!
People are different. My grandma had the worst time persuading grandpa to retire from his mill job, and it was blue collar work (so very physical) and he was in his early 70s at that point. His working so long would have been sad if he’d dropped dead at 65, but as it happens, he’s 93, so he has actually been able to enjoy a nice long retirement. (Not a 100% retirement–he was ranching until just a year or so ago.) However, my family has a lot of workaholics (and that’s not without problems, either).
With older women, hormones are an obvious villain for erratic behavior. However, I think there may be some minor neurological damage that happens in middle age that probably affects both sexes.
aan.com/PressRoom/Home/PressRelease/1288
One precaution that I would suggest is making a habit of not making any major decisions without spousal approval. It’s much less likely that both spouses will go off the rails at the same time in the same area. Making major decisions together can greatly improve the quality of decisions. (For instance, pensmama87’s mom would have put the kibosh on that car purchase.)
P
pianistclare
Guest
Sounds a lot like my late husband. The father of my daughters.
He “retired” because he didn’t want to work for less than 75 grand per year.
It was “beneath” him.
Meanwhile it was just peachy for me to work 3 very low paying jobs.
When I left, he committed suicide.
Yeah.
Treasure your hubs. I’m now married to a guy who thinks I’m the shizznit.
But man, were those some really abusive, horrible years.
God bless.
E
E_7
Guest
Well, my dad HATES the feeling of being restricted. He would feel like dirt if he has to ask mom whether if it’s ok or not to spend for x or y. Besides, he receives his social security, why would he ask his wife if it’s ok to spend it, it is his money. I’m almost sure he thinks like that. He is the head of the family (sounds like a joke), he gets to have the final word, the decision maker of the house. Mom is just the mule.
And he does suffer from high blood pressure, but it doesn’t seem to affect his memory, not with so much pill intake from Vitamin World products
. And I dare to say, Xantippe, that I prefer he goes first before mom, so she can at least enjoy her life for once in her life. That much he has affected us all. Maybe it isn’t Christian for me to wish his departure first than mom, but that is how I truly feel. 
E
E_7
Guest
Wow.
P
pensmama87
Guest
And you are, of course.
- Status