Men midlife crisis. Does it happen to every man?

[Xantippe]

Well, my dad HATES the feeling of being restricted. He would feel like dirt if he has to ask mom whether if it’s ok or not to spend for x or y. Besides, he receives his social security, why would he ask his wife if it’s ok to spend it, it is his money. I’m almost sure he thinks like that. He is the head of the family (sounds like a joke), he gets to have the final word, the decision maker of the house. Mom is just the mule.

And he does suffer from high blood pressure, but it doesn’t seem to affect his memory, not with so much pill intake from Vitamin World products . And I dare to say, Xantippe, that I prefer he goes first before mom, so she can at least enjoy her life for once in her life. That much he has affected us all. Maybe it isn’t Christian for me to wish his departure first than mom, but that is how I truly feel.

Oh dear.

Have you talked to your husband about this stuff? Going forward, it’s going to be very important to figure out how to have your own family, figure out how you and your husband want to live with each other, and not feel that you’re reliving negative aspects of your parents’ relationship, in either the dad or the mom role. In some ways it’s good that you already know that you don’t want that relationship, but on the other hand, it’s going to be hard to come up with something from scratch. It’s also good that you have so much time ahead of you to get things right.

 

[pensmama87]

One precaution that I would suggest is making a habit of not making any major decisions without spousal approval. It’s much less likely that both spouses will go off the rails at the same time in the same area. Making major decisions together can greatly improve the quality of decisions. (For instance, pensmama87’s mom would have put the kibosh on that car purchase.)

You know, that’s when I really knew that my husband and I were going to be OK. I told him about what happened, and he said, “Who buys anything that expensive without asking his wife first?”

Smart man.

 

[meltzerboy]

In the years since I’ve turned 40, I have done the following:

Acquired a firearms collection. Always wanted to do that, but it’s not very practical and I haven’t had time to go shooting much. Maybe once a year. Glad I did it. They will be handed on to my boys.

Went to graduate school. Got my master’s. 4.0 GPA. Also not very practical. I will never be promoted where I work. Going elsewhere would entail a pay cut. Glad I did it though. It confirms that it is them (management where I work) and not me.

Got a motorcycle. Then got another, a Harley Davidson. Both are very practical. Low insurance, great gas mileage, and loads of fun. Glad I did it.

Engaged in pro-life activism. Nail in the coffin for my career after my name came out in the media. But it was already dead because I was the freakishly fecund guy with 8 kids in a heavily secular liberal state that frowns on that. Glad I did it.

Is this a “mid-life crisis?” I think that’s a rather sexist term, as if men my age go off their rocker and do bad things. I think we just continue to live our lives. Sometimes people make wrong choices, sometimes people make good choices. Once a guy reaches a certain age, new choices become a “mid-life crisis.” When I joined the military was that a “young adult crisis?” When I changed careers at 37 to benefit my family, what was that? When I returned to the Catholic faith at 32, certain people freaked out about that. Was it a ‘crisis’?

People develop and grow. Just because a man continues to do so after 40 doesn’t make it some sort of crisis. There can be bad choices or good choices. That can happen at any age.

The midlife crisis is not linked to normal growth or to bad events that take place in a person’s life. Rather, it results from a feeling that NOTHING is happening. IOW, things are just moving along as usual at home and at work but the person doesn’t see or anticipate any significant changes or growth in his life. There is a perception of inertia and stagnation. In fact, if apparent changes do occur–either good or bad–that would tend to mitigate the midlife crisis.

 

[E_7]

Oh dear.

Have you talked to your husband about this stuff? Going forward, it’s going to be very important to figure out how to have your own family, figure out how you and your husband want to live with each other, and not feel that you’re reliving negative aspects of your parents’ relationship, in either the dad or the mom role. In some ways it’s good that you already know that you don’t want that relationship, but on the other hand, it’s going to be hard to come up with something from scratch. It’s also good that you have so much time ahead of you to get things right.

Yep, hubby and I talked about that, and we continue to remind ourselves about it. We don’t make any moves unless the other gives the OK.

You know, that’s when I really knew that my husband and I were going to be OK. I told him about what happened, and he said, “Who buys anything that expensive without asking his wife first?”

Smart man.

Mine does that too very frequently when reading Family Life threads in CAF.

 

[EasterJoy]

Oh dear.

Have you talked to your husband about this stuff?..

When my husband has witnessed other men doing stupid, selfish things with the excuse that they’re “going through their midlife crisis,” he always says, “If I ever do that, just shoot me.” I told him I was not really worried that he was going to do that, but that we could probably head something like that off without a literal murder.

OP, if your husband is sensible and tells you what he thinks, I would not worry about it. I think most people have a period in their life when they look back and think about whether they ought to have done something differently or ought to do something differently, but most of them do not become lunatics.

 

[E_7]

When my husband has witnessed other men doing stupid, selfish things with the excuse that they’re “going through their midlife crisis,” he always says, “If I ever do that, just shoot me.” I told him I was not really worried that he was going to do that, but that we could probably head something like that off without a literal murder.

OP, if your husband is sensible and tells you what he thinks, I would not worry about it. I think most people have a period in their life when they look back and think about whether they ought to have done something differently or ought to do something differently, but most of them do not become lunatics.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Over and over again I have said that midlife crisis do not apply to all men or women. How is it that everyone is missing that and thinks that midlife crisis only applies to them or not to them. Not everyone reacts the same as the numbers roll and we age. People of all genders handle stress and aging in different manners; some in a positive way and for some; not so much. Please, do not be so dismissive or ridicule such conditions without some research or knowledge. It does exist. I feel bad for those that suffer through it. If you ridicule midlife crisis you have not experienced it. If you deny it, you are uninformed. The human mind is so complex and not totally understood. Sometimes I think it is where the “soul lives and hides out.” Don’t bother to take that statement as a Catholic teaching or some kind of dogma that I just invented. It is just a metaphor. Peace.

 

[LongingSoul]

Most people go through some sort of midlife ‘transition’ as a natural phase of life. Midlife ‘crisis’ is an extreme version of this natural transition. It does seem somewhat of a scary phenomenon because it often happens to those with heretofore good character and record.

As a spouse you can’t control how another person lives their life journey but you can always make sure to appreciate the efforts they make for you and your family and work on valuing each other as spouses. It is a common thread in midlife crisis sufferers, the sensation of working hard for others for years on end and never experience being appreciated or taken for granted.

Try not to overly worry about future things that may never happen. Enjoy the moments that you have as a family every day.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Over and over again I have said that midlife crisis do not apply to all men or women. How is it that everyone is missing that and thinks that midlife crisis only applies to them or not to them. Not everyone reacts the same as the numbers roll and we age. People of all genders handle stress and aging in different manners; some in a positive way and for some; not so much. Please, do not be so dismissive or ridicule such conditions without some research or knowledge. It does exist. I feel bad for those that suffer through it. If you ridicule midlife crisis you have not experienced it. If you deny it, you are uninformed. The human mind is so complex and not totally understood. Sometimes I think it is where the “soul lives and hides out.” Don’t bother to take that statement as a Catholic teaching or some kind of dogma that I just invented. It is just a metaphor. Peace.

Some people react to stress in a Holy and Moral way, some don’t. That is called character.

 

[Xantippe]

Some people react to stress in a Holy and Moral way, some don’t. That is called character.

It’s not a good idea though to get over confident when one hasn’t yet gone through the ordeal.

From everything I’ve heard of perimenopause, it sounds like a lot of women become IMPOSSIBLE and CRAZY during that time period. That Very Special Time is looming, so I try to keep an eye on myself.

I think a little humility is helpful (scratch that–a lot of humility). There’s a possibility that I could be impossible and crazy while going through the hormonal transition, so I should make an extra effort to accept (name removed by moderator)ut from others and to manage my moods while in the danger zone (which is 10 years, give or take–fun!!!).

I don’t think we ought to say, “I’m not going to do crazy or stupid stuff because I’m just too virtuous for that.” As they say, pride goeth before a fall.

 

[pianistclare]

It’s not a good idea though to get over confident when one hasn’t yet gone through the ordeal.

From everything I’ve heard of perimenopause, it sounds like a lot of women become IMPOSSIBLE and CRAZY during that time period. That Very Special Time is looming, so I try to keep an eye on myself.

I think a little humility is helpful (scratch that–a lot of humility). There’s a possibility that I could be impossible and crazy while going through the hormonal transition, so I should make an extra effort to accept (name removed by moderator)ut from others and to manage my moods while in the danger zone (which is 10 years, give or take–fun!!!).

I don’t think we ought to say, “I’m not going to do crazy or stupid stuff because I’m just too virtuous for that.” As they say, pride goeth before a fall.

Right. Same with all the other things…
If you are a person of humility, and can step outside of yourself once in a while and say “Is it just me”, and then of course as it turns out, “yes, it’s probably just me” and you pray about it or take some time to mediate on the real issue that’s enflaming you, you can avoid a lot of this drama.
People with an unsupportive spouse, people who have a spouse who they don’t regard as their equal, as having personal integrity or dignity, tend to go off the rails in a huge way.
You get what you put into it.
If you as a couple share liberally your thoughts on dreams, future plans, spending, and career moves, then it’s far less likely that you’ll just come home one day with a Corvette and a Rx for Cialis.
Same for women. Women don’t go out and buy buy buy if their lives are emotionally full.
People are grounded in faith have coping skillz.
It’s not a perfect ride all the time, but there’s no need to disregard the others in your life and ignore how change impacts them as well.
Unless you are person who never cared to begin with.
And we see plenty of those.

 

[LongingSoul]

It’s not a good idea though to get over confident when one hasn’t yet gone through the ordeal.

From everything I’ve heard of perimenopause, it sounds like a lot of women become IMPOSSIBLE and CRAZY during that time period. That Very Special Time is looming, so I try to keep an eye on myself.

I think a little humility is helpful (scratch that–a lot of humility). There’s a possibility that I could be impossible and crazy while going through the hormonal transition, so I should make an extra effort to accept (name removed by moderator)ut from others and to manage my moods while in the danger zone (which is 10 years, give or take–fun!!!).

I don’t think we ought to say, “I’m not going to do crazy or stupid stuff because I’m just too virtuous for that.” As they say, pride goeth before a fall.

Too true. Reminds me of Luke 18:9-14

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

“I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

It’s not a good idea though to get over confident when one hasn’t yet gone through the ordeal.

From everything I’ve heard of perimenopause, it sounds like a lot of women become IMPOSSIBLE and CRAZY during that time period. That Very Special Time is looming, so I try to keep an eye on myself.

I think a little humility is helpful (scratch that–a lot of humility). There’s a possibility that I could be impossible and crazy while going through the hormonal transition, so I should make an extra effort to accept (name removed by moderator)ut from others and to manage my moods while in the danger zone (which is 10 years, give or take–fun!!!).

I don’t think we ought to say, “I’m not going to do crazy or stupid stuff because I’m just too virtuous for that.” As they say, pride goeth before a fall.

I agree that one should be on the lookout for these things and be introspective enough to nip it in the bud.
BUT sometimes people get into this “You don’t know me” “You don’t know my struggles” But honestly many people do. I have said that this so called “midlife” crisis is bunk. ANd that is answered with "well you don’t know because you have not experinced it and you don’t know others stress or how they deal with societal expectations of manhood… Blah blah blah…

But honestly, lets take a look at my personal story. I have 5 kids, I am a stay at home homeschooling dad (how is that for feeling at odds with what society thinks a “man” my age should do? I have had a child with disabilities, moved across the country, moved back, had the fifth child by ourselves with no friends and family to help and to top it all off my wife almost died. So, there is a lot of “stressors” there. But I don’t come home with a muscle car, I drive my minivan (something I swore in my cowboy youth I would never do) and I Dont try to gain the attention of younger women, comb my hair different, get all roided out at the gym or question my purpose on earth. I simply don’t have the luxury to say, “gee, I have a lot of stress in my life” I am responsible for 6 other souls in the world and my only goal is to get myself, my wife and my children to heaven because that is my vocation and calling.
I have a friend who recently did something stupid that cost him his job. His response to his employer was “I guess I am just going through a midlife crisis” My response to him was, “No, you made a poor choice and did a dumb thing”

Character is what we do when no one is watching. Stress is the DEFINING factor in Character. So if stress makes you a lesser version of yourself and your goal of holiness, then the problem is not the stress, but rather the character.

There is a difference between saying “that could never happen to me” in a condescending way and saying, I have the grace and character and honor that I would not do those things. “Know thyself” is key here. I know myself. And I know how I respond when things get confusing or tough. And I expect the same from others. Does that make me a “hard” man? Perhaps. Does it make me unreasonable? Perhaps “does it mean that I will be disappointed by others?” Most definitely. But you know a tree by the fruit as the Bible says, and fruit is made when the plant becomes stressed.

 

[clem456]

It’s not a good idea though to get over confident when one hasn’t yet gone through the ordeal.

From everything I’ve heard of perimenopause, it sounds like a lot of women become IMPOSSIBLE and CRAZY during that time period. That Very Special Time is looming, so I try to keep an eye on myself.

I think a little humility is helpful (scratch that–a lot of humility). There’s a possibility that I could be impossible and crazy while going through the hormonal transition, so I should make an extra effort to accept (name removed by moderator)ut from others and to manage my moods while in the danger zone (which is 10 years, give or take–fun!!!).

I don’t think we ought to say, “I’m not going to do crazy or stupid stuff because I’m just too virtuous for that.” As they say, pride goeth before a fall.

I like the word confidence. The word “fide” is contained therein.
A faithful and virtuous person is practiced in the art of surrender to God while in the face of temptation or suffering. The confidence to deal with the crazy/stupid stuff develops with the practice of virtue. Virtue is…the practice of whatever it is. Purity for instance, does not magically appear. It takes practice to develop the virtue. If I am prepared to deal with lust, I will deal with these “mid-life” stressors, and do it with confidence. (As an aside, I struggle greatly with these things, but I do not expect anyone else’s humility to accept or tolerate my weakness.)

Confidence and humility are not at odds. There is nothing wrong with looking at an issue and confidently proclaiming " I will not go there or do that". Your confidence points you and others in the right direction. Timidity is not a virtue, nor is tolerance a virtue. Christians should not be timid about calling for virtuous responses to life’s difficulties and temptations. And tolerance is tolerance. We are not defined by our lowest selves, we are also called to virtue and holiness and to tolerate anything less in the name of weakness or mid-life stressors is just not the call, IMO.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I agree that one should be on the lookout for these things and be introspective enough to nip it in the bud.
BUT sometimes people get into this “You don’t know me” “You don’t know my struggles” But honestly many people do. I have said that this so called “midlife” crisis is bunk. ANd that is answered with "well you don’t know because you have not experinced it and you don’t know others stress or how they deal with societal expectations of manhood… Blah blah blah…

But honestly, lets take a look at my personal story. I have 5 kids, I am a stay at home homeschooling dad (how is that for feeling at odds with what society thinks a “man” my age should do? I have had a child with disabilities, moved across the country, moved back, had the fifth child by ourselves with no friends and family to help and to top it all off my wife almost died. So, there is a lot of “stressors” there. But I don’t come home with a muscle car, I drive my minivan (something I swore in my cowboy youth I would never do) and I Dont try to gain the attention of younger women, comb my hair different, get all roided out at the gym or question my purpose on earth. I simply don’t have the luxury to say, “gee, I have a lot of stress in my life” I am responsible for 6 other souls in the world and my only goal is to get myself, my wife and my children to heaven because that is my vocation and calling.
I have a friend who recently did something stupid that cost him his job. His response to his employer was “I guess I am just going through a midlife crisis” My response to him was, “No, you made a poor choice and did a dumb thing”

Character is what we do when no one is watching. Stress is the DEFINING factor in Character. So if stress makes you a lesser version of yourself and your goal of holiness, then the problem is not the stress, but rather the character.

There is a difference between saying “that could never happen to me” in a condescending way and saying, I have the grace and character and honor that I would not do those things. “Know thyself” is key here. I know myself. And I know how I respond when things get confusing or tough. And I expect the same from others. Does that make me a “hard” man? Perhaps. Does it make me unreasonable? Perhaps “does it mean that I will be disappointed by others?” Most definitely. But you know a tree by the fruit as the Bible says, and fruit is made when the plant becomes stressed.

Quite the “humble” little bio there. What the others are saying is that even know things are going well and you’ve gone through stress successfully in the past, doesn’t mean you will always succeed. You never know when that “last straw” will break the camels back for you. It just might one day. And also keep in mind that maybe these persons are going through more stress than you have, or maybe your physical or psychological health or Catholic Faith helps you get through things that other person who aren’t as physically, psychologically, or spiritually healthy as you don’t succeed so well in doing. Pride goeth before the fall. Just some things to ponder when coping a “holier than thou” attitude like your above post contained.

 

[LongingSoul]

Confidence and humility are not at odds. There is nothing wrong with looking at an issue and confidently proclaiming " I will not go there or do that". Your confidence points you and others in the right direction. Timidity is not a virtue, nor is tolerance a virtue. Christians should not be timid about calling for virtuous responses to life’s difficulties and temptations. And tolerance is tolerance. We are not defined by our lowest selves, we are also called to virtue and holiness and to tolerate anything less in the name of weakness or mid-life stressors is just not the call, IMO.

Where the difference is is between confidence in Gods grace in strengthening and protecting you from temptation as opposed to confidence in your own superior virtue. One is able to say there but for the grace of God go I while the other says I’m too good to sin like that.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Where the difference is is between confidence in Gods grace in strengthening and protecting you from temptation as opposed to confidence in your own superior virtue. One is able to say there but for the grace of God go I while the other says I’m too good to sin like that.

Exactly!

ETA: I know left alone I can fall and fall hard. It’s happened before. God seems to be protecting me from hard falls right now, but He lets go of my hand once I’m toast!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Quite the “humble” little bio there. What the others are saying is that even know things are going well and you’ve gone through stress successfully in the past, doesn’t mean you will always succeed. You never know when that “last straw” will break the camels back for you. It just might one day. And also keep in mind that maybe these persons are going through more stress than you have, or maybe your physical or psychological health or Catholic Faith helps you get through things that other person who aren’t as physically, psychologically, or spiritually healthy as you don’t succeed so well in doing. Pride goeth before the fall. Just some things to ponder when coping a “holier than thou” attitude like your above post contained.

It is true that we live in a world where if we proclaim that we should and will be righteous and faithful that we are considered prideful and boastful. And that is sad. But honestly, people need others to say “I will do the right thing and others should too.” That is part of being a father and husband. Actually it is part of being a Christian.

I find it sad when people post stories about loved ones who fall, who act horribly, who hurt others. There is a very sweet poster on these boards who’s husband left her, and “midlife” and stress were used to explain it away. I have no problem saying, I am a better spouse, father, and Christian than that man has shown.

In this day and age it is bad to accept responsibility for ones own actions, and those that say people should, are ridiculed. Ok, fine, I answer to my children, my wife and my God. So will others.

I’m not saying I don’t sin, that I don’t fall short in being a husband father and a man, but I am saying that when I do, that I don’t blame it on stress or a crisis, but I rather pick myself up, approach my Lord, my wife and my kids with self responsibility and I reconcile it. I do so, humbly, recognizing that I am a broken sinner and don’t always live up to my God’s plan for me. But I do so, with full responsibility, because to do that is the best way to approach reconciling yourself. I do so, not out of pride, but out of shame. And that shame is my own.

And I know myself to know that I would not cross certain lines. I don’t think that is prideful to say. In fact my family needs to know that I would not abandon them or do crazy things just because of stress. Kids need to know that, wives need to know that.

If that is ugly to you, well, then I am sorry that you have that view of people.

 

[Convert_in_99]

It is true that we live in a world where if we proclaim that we should and will be righteous and faithful that we are considered prideful and boastful. And that is sad. But honestly, people need others to say “I will do the right thing and others should too.” That is part of being a father and husband. Actually it is part of being a Christian.

I find it sad when people post stories about loved ones who fall, who act horribly, who hurt others. There is a very sweet poster on these boards who’s husband left her, and “midlife” and stress were used to explain it away. I have no problem saying, I am a better spouse, father, and Christian than that man has shown.

In this day and age it is bad to accept responsibility for ones own actions, and those that say people should, are ridiculed. Ok, fine, I answer to my children, my wife and my God. So will others.

Jesus Christ Himself fell three times due to the sheer pain, weakness and exhaustion our sins caused him, and you are saying (with certainty nonetheless) that you can’t fall from weakness, let alone temptations?

 

[pianistclare]

Jesus Christ Himself fell three times due to the sheer pain, weakness and exhaustion our sins caused him, and you are saying (with certainty nonetheless) that you can’t fall from weakness, let alone temptations?

I think maybe there IS a time to call a spade a spade.
We’re so big on forgiveness, we fail to see that much of this is preventable.
Of course we hope in God’s mercy.
But should we depend on it to excuse away bad behavior? I don’t really think so.
The commandments are there for a reason…prevention. Not damnation.