Men midlife crisis. Does it happen to every man?

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Jesus Christ Himself fell three times due to the sheer pain, weakness and exhaustion our sins caused him, and you are saying (with certainty nonetheless) that you can’t fall from weakness, let alone temptations?

I added to my post to clarify some things.

I am saying I would not fall into certain things no matter what. All sin? No, but I can tell you that I will not cheat on my wife… I told her that when I got married. And again when we embraced recently.
I am saying that every time I sin, I resolve to not do it again. Is that prideful? Is that saying I cant sin and I am so perfect? No, it is taking responsibility for my actions and turning away from sin.

Do you really think wedding vows are prideful?

 

[Convert_in_99]

I added to my post to clarify some things.

I am saying I would not fall into certain things no matter what. All sin? No, but I can tell you that I will not cheat on my wife… I told her that when I got married. And again when we embraced recently.
I am saying that every time I sin, I resolve to not do it again. Is that prideful? Is that saying I cant sin and I am so perfect? No, it is taking responsibility for my actions and turning away from sin.

Do you really think wedding vows are prideful?

Your edited post is a lot different. Makes more sense. You have to look at it pre-edit, where IMHO you appear to be prouder than a peacock (aka an arrogant son of a gun! ) Just something to think about how others might interpret your original post in a similar way.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I think maybe there IS a time to call a spade a spade.
We’re so big on forgiveness, we fail to see that much of this is preventable.
Of course we hope in God’s mercy.
But should we depend on it to excuse away bad behavior? I don’t really think so.
The commandments are there for a reason…prevention. Not damnation.

I simply pointed out how the original 2 posts sounded, how others with like minds and personalities might take it. It seemed like I wasn’t the only poster who took it that way. Im not unforgiving to them, I realize they might not intend to sound that way, but they do. Hoosier Daddy edited his post and it no longer comes across the way the original unedited posts did.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Your edited post is a lot different. Makes more sense. You have to look at it pre-edit, where IMHO you appear to be prouder than a peacock (aka an arrogant son of a gun! ) Just something to think about how others might interpret your original post in a similar way.

Sometimes when I see a post from someone I have tussled with in the past over issues, I let it taint how I see everything they say. I do this often. It is a human reaction and one that is actually useful sometimes. Perhaps that is happening here with both of us.

But honestly I am not too bothered by how others may see my post. I am not posting for doggie treats. I post for enjoyment and discussion.

Do some see me as arrogant? Sure. In real life too. I can’t control what others think about confidence and honor…

 

[Xantippe]

I agree that one should be on the lookout for these things and be introspective enough to nip it in the bud.
BUT sometimes people get into this “You don’t know me” “You don’t know my struggles” But honestly many people do. I have said that this so called “midlife” crisis is bunk. ANd that is answered with "well you don’t know because you have not experinced it and you don’t know others stress or how they deal with societal expectations of manhood… Blah blah blah…

But honestly, lets take a look at my personal story. I have 5 kids, I am a stay at home homeschooling dad (how is that for feeling at odds with what society thinks a “man” my age should do? I have had a child with disabilities, moved across the country, moved back, had the fifth child by ourselves with no friends and family to help and to top it all off my wife almost died. So, there is a lot of “stressors” there. But I don’t come home with a muscle car, I drive my minivan (something I swore in my cowboy youth I would never do) and I Dont try to gain the attention of younger women, comb my hair different, get all roided out at the gym or question my purpose on earth. I simply don’t have the luxury to say, “gee, I have a lot of stress in my life” I am responsible for 6 other souls in the world and my only goal is to get myself, my wife and my children to heaven because that is my vocation and calling.
I have a friend who recently did something stupid that cost him his job. His response to his employer was “I guess I am just going through a midlife crisis” My response to him was, “No, you made a poor choice and did a dumb thing”

Character is what we do when no one is watching. Stress is the DEFINING factor in Character. So if stress makes you a lesser version of yourself and your goal of holiness, then the problem is not the stress, but rather the character.

There is a difference between saying “that could never happen to me” in a condescending way and saying, I have the grace and character and honor that I would not do those things. “Know thyself” is key here. I know myself. And I know how I respond when things get confusing or tough. And I expect the same from others. Does that make me a “hard” man? Perhaps. Does it make me unreasonable? Perhaps “does it mean that I will be disappointed by others?” Most definitely. But you know a tree by the fruit as the Bible says, and fruit is made when the plant becomes stressed.

**I think excessive stress makes everybody function more poorly than normally. (A good amount of stress, though, can increase performance.)

Don’t just think about the adultery and the Corvette–there are other varieties of moral failure that come, fairly naturally, as a result of aging and are just as difficult to live with.

Take, for example, Early Onset Grumpiness:

youtube.com/watch?v=9i13PnwGeoQ**

 

[Xantippe]

QYou never know when that “last straw” will break the camels back for you. It just might one day. And also keep in mind that maybe these persons are going through more stress than you have, or maybe your physical or psychological health or Catholic Faith helps you get through things that other person who aren’t as physically, psychologically, or spiritually healthy as you don’t succeed so well in doing.

Right.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

**I think excessive stress makes everybody function more poorly than normally. (A good amount of stress, though, can increase performance.)

Don’t just think about the adultery and the Corvette–there are other varieties of moral failure that come, fairly naturally, as a result of aging and are just as difficult to live with.

Take, for example, Early Onset Grumpiness:

youtube.com/watch?v=9i13PnwGeoQ**

I guess it matter what “function” means. Excessive stress has revealed saints, it has created holiness and spread of the Gospel. If by excessive stress we look to the martyrs, the saints, and those who set the example for how we should be as humans seeking God.

But functioning in everyday life, as a smiling happy social adult? Sure excessive stress can be bad for that.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Right.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who looks at it that way!

But rereading that post I don’t blame those who are opposed to it…look at that English, you’d think I was raised by wolves or something…lol! I blame the autocorrect on my IPhone…yeah that’s it…

 

[LongingSoul]

I guess it matter what “function” means. Excessive stress has revealed saints, it has created holiness and spread of the Gospel. If by excessive stress we look to the martyrs, the saints, and those who set the example for how we should be as humans seeking God.

But functioning in everyday life, as a smiling happy social adult? Sure excessive stress can be bad for that.

You are speaking ignorantly about things you are unfamiliar with. No two people are alike and what and how some are affected by things is vast. Battlefields show this phenomenon all the time. Two soldiers can experience and witness the same events but one might mentally crack and end up taking his own life while the other can return home and carry on life as usual. Luckily as a society we have become much more sensitive to the difference in peoples experience of living and while we know that suicide is a mortal sin, we are able to have a more merciful and humble approach to those who seem weaker than we are.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m glad I’m not the only one who looks at it that way!

But rereading that post I don’t blame those who are opposed to it…look at that English, you’d think I was raised by wolves or something…lol! I blame the autocorrect on my IPhone…yeah that’s it…

Geesh, me too! I look at my writing sometimes and think “man, it’s like you just don’t care anymore…” Must be my midlife crisis or something

 

[Xantippe]

I guess it matter what “function” means. Excessive stress has revealed saints, it has created holiness and spread of the Gospel. If by excessive stress we look to the martyrs, the saints, and those who set the example for how we should be as humans seeking God.

But functioning in everyday life, as a smiling happy social adult? Sure excessive stress can be bad for that.

I don’t believe in anybody’s ability to be a saint or martyr if they can’t get through a single day with an at least minimal degree of charity and social grace. I know it is possible–St. Jerome was not a smile-y guy, but I’m just saying how I would bet in individual cases. There is a relationship (or at least an overlap) between virtue and sociability. Effective sociability requires at minimum 1) sensitivity to other’s needs and 2) a willingness to exert oneself and 3) kindness. It is true that there are sociable people that steamroller over interlocutors, but what I’m talking about here is not just talkers, but socially well-calibrated, kind people. That isn’t the beginning and end of all virtue, but it is an awfully good start.

 

[EasterJoy]

Quite the “humble” little bio there. What the others are saying is that even know things are going well and you’ve gone through stress successfully in the past, doesn’t mean you will always succeed. You never know when that “last straw” will break the camels back for you. It just might one day. And also keep in mind that maybe these persons are going through more stress than you have, or maybe your physical or psychological health or Catholic Faith helps you get through things that other person who aren’t as physically, psychologically, or spiritually healthy as you don’t succeed so well in doing. Pride goeth before the fall. Just some things to ponder when coping a “holier than thou” attitude like your above post contained.

I know what he is saying, though. The “you don’t know me” line can very easily be used to defend a rationalization for giving in when giving in was a choice and not a compulsion. We have each done it, and we know others do it. Sure, pride goeth before a fall, but “I’ll try not to fall, but no guarantees because I’m not as strong as some other people” does, too.

If you believe with all your strength that you can keep your promises, you may find you are wrong. You have that part correct. If you don’t believe you can keep your promises, though, you’ll almost certainly prove to be right. Hoosier Daddy is correct about that.

 

[E_7]

I agree that one should be on the lookout for these things and be introspective enough to nip it in the bud.
BUT sometimes people get into this “You don’t know me” “You don’t know my struggles” But honestly many people do. I have said that this so called “midlife” crisis is bunk. ANd that is answered with "well you don’t know because you have not experinced it and you don’t know others stress or how they deal with societal expectations of manhood… Blah blah blah…

But honestly, lets take a look at my personal story. I have 5 kids, I am a stay at home homeschooling dad (how is that for feeling at odds with what society thinks a “man” my age should do? I have had a child with disabilities, moved across the country, moved back, had the fifth child by ourselves with no friends and family to help and to top it all off my wife almost died. So, there is a lot of “stressors” there. But I don’t come home with a muscle car, I drive my minivan (something I swore in my cowboy youth I would never do) and I Dont try to gain the attention of younger women, comb my hair different, get all roided out at the gym or question my purpose on earth. I simply don’t have the luxury to say, “gee, I have a lot of stress in my life” I am responsible for 6 other souls in the world and my only goal is to get myself, my wife and my children to heaven because that is my vocation and calling.
I have a friend who recently did something stupid that cost him his job. His response to his employer was “I guess I am just going through a midlife crisis” My response to him was, “No, you made a poor choice and did a dumb thing”

Character is what we do when no one is watching. Stress is the DEFINING factor in Character. So if stress makes you a lesser version of yourself and your goal of holiness, then the problem is not the stress, but rather the character.

There is a difference between saying “that could never happen to me” in a condescending way and saying, I have the grace and character and honor that I would not do those things. “Know thyself” is key here. I know myself. And I know how I respond when things get confusing or tough. And I expect the same from others. Does that make me a “hard” man? Perhaps. Does it make me unreasonable? Perhaps “does it mean that I will be disappointed by others?” Most definitely. But you know a tree by the fruit as the Bible says, and fruit is made when the plant becomes stressed.

In this day and age it is bad to accept responsibility for ones own actions, and those that say people should, are ridiculed. Ok, fine, I answer to my children, my wife and my God. So will others.

I’m not saying I don’t sin, that I don’t fall short in being a husband father and a man, but I am saying that when I do, that I don’t blame it on stress or a crisis, but I rather pick myself up, approach my Lord, my wife and my kids with self responsibility and I reconcile it. I do so, humbly, recognizing that I am a broken sinner and don’t always live up to my God’s plan for me. But I do so, with full responsibility, because to do that is the best way to approach reconciling yourself. I do so, not out of pride, but out of shame. And that shame is my own.

And I know myself to know that I would not cross certain lines. I don’t think that is prideful to say. In fact my family needs to know that I would not abandon them or do crazy things just because of stress. Kids need to know that, wives need to know that.

Personally, I find these two posts inspiring.

 

[EasterJoy]

You are speaking ignorantly about things you are unfamiliar with. No two people are alike and what and how some are affected by things is vast. Battlefields show this phenomenon all the time. Two soldiers can experience and witness the same events but one might mentally crack and end up taking his own life while the other can return home and carry on life as usual. Luckily as a society we have become much more sensitive to the difference in peoples experience of living and while we know that suicide is a mortal sin, we are able to have a more merciful and humble approach to those who seem weaker than we are.

The belief that suicide is entirely something that happens to you rather than a choice you make is a risk factor for committing suicide. Mental health is full of paradoxes like that.

Yes, “there, but for the grace of God go I,” but there is such a thing as being too timid about our conviction that we can and will find out what it takes to stick to our principals, even under great duress, if only God will provide the grace to do it. I do not think for a minute that Hoosier Daddy proposes to do it in any other way!

*Because you have kept my message of endurance, I will keep you safe in the time of trial that is going to come to the whole world to test the inhabitants of the earth. I am coming quickly. Hold fast to what you have, so that no one may take your crown. * Rev. 3:10-11

 

[Mary_Estelle]

I just wish that the moderator would close this thread down. I don’t see how it is helping the original poster who was/is worried about the effects on his/her family How does this tit for tat exchange help when it becomes so personal? Please, moderator, close it down. please, for the sake of the original poster. Peace and prayers for the kid that we “experts” are not helping.

 

[LongingSoul]

The belief that suicide is entirely something that happens to you rather than a choice you make is a risk factor for committing suicide. Mental health is full of paradoxes like that.

Yes, “there, but for the grace of God go I,” but there is such a thing as being too timid about our conviction that we can and will find out what it takes to stick to our principals, even under great duress, if only God will provide the grace to do it. I do not think for a minute that Hoosier Daddy proposes to do it in any other way!

*Because you have kept my message of endurance, I will keep you safe in the time of trial that is going to come to the whole world to test the inhabitants of the earth. I am coming quickly. Hold fast to what you have, so that no one may take your crown. * Rev. 3:10-11

I am not saying that suicide or a midlife crisis is something that ‘happens’ to a person in the way of a physical disease. I am rejecting the theory that they are explained merely as ‘character weakness’. That is also not how the mental health field or most Christian religions approach healing of people suffering with crises, thank heavens. While I know that in many species creatures that demonstrate mental or emotional deficiency are culled… sometimes by the group, I trust with complete faith that the human race, with souls to tend to, are able to address these issues with compassion and understanding of how they reveal human faith in God. Many, many people with these ‘so called’ character weaknesses are highly esteemed by the human soul… St John of the Cross for one.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Personally, I find these two posts inspiring.

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[EasterJoy]

I am not saying that suicide or a midlife crisis is something that ‘happens’ to a person in the way of a physical disease. I am rejecting the theory that they are explained merely as ‘character weakness’. That is also not how the mental health field or most Christian religions approach healing of people suffering with crises, thank heavens. While I know that in many species creatures that demonstrate mental or emotional deficiency are culled… sometimes by the group, I trust with complete faith that the human race, with souls to tend to, are able to address these issues with compassion and understanding of how they reveal human faith in God. Many, many people with these ‘so called’ character weaknesses are highly esteemed by the human soul… St John of the Cross for one.

We all have character weaknesses, this is true. I only mean that when we fall, we confess our choices as sins, not as inevitabilities. That is the treatment prescribed for our absolution, healing, amendment and reclamation. The reason it is not a “put down” is that by faith we rely on salvation from God. We do need salvation, though, because we are at fault when we sin.

I don’t think you and I are really on different pages. Which of the saints has ever said “I have arrived”? Yet which one has anything but horror for the kind of sin we are talking about, by which a husband and father leaves his duty to his marriage, to his wife, to his children, and to his other responsibilities in order to indulge himself? That is what the crisis of midlife cannot be allowed to become. I know men who have handled it that way, and they regretted it deeply. I know men who were tempted but who stayed the course, and they feel they dodged a bullet. Yes, “there but for the grace of God go I,” but grace needs cooperation. It needs to be wanted on some level. It is hard for it to be wanted when the crisis of midlife is believed to be something that “happens” to someone. That leaves a person very open to the deceptions of the evil one.

Someone who has fallen into that kind of sin because of how they handled the stresses of facing their mortality and the amount of their life that has passed and cannot be changed do deserve pity, just as any of us hope for the pity of Heaven on our sins and blindnesses. Their return ought to be seen as something God thirsts for with all the ardor of the father of the Prodigal Son. When the prodigal returns, we want to be one of those in the party, and not the resentful brother who imagines he has done enough to merit the inheritance he will one day receive. Yes, the measure we measure with will be measured back to us.

 

[pianistclare]

I just wish that the moderator would close this thread down. I don’t see how it is helping the original poster who was/is worried about the effects on his/her family How does this tit for tat exchange help when it becomes so personal? Please, moderator, close it down. please, for the sake of the original poster. Peace and prayers for the kid that we “experts” are not helping.

What in the world are you talking about?
the OP is only asking a hypothetical question.
And recently, she expressed that she was inspired by some of the posts.

There’s no reason to close the thread if people are still cordial and she’s interacting with people.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Pianist Clare. The original poster wanted help with a problem of the father watching porn and if the mother or brother should be notified. I said to let it be for now as it might resolve it self because some men go through a midlife crisis. Apparently I set of a crisis myself as everyone jumped to the conclusion that there was no such thing as a midlife crisis among men. You don’t hear of it every day because men don’t talk about it. It became a topic in itself in that everyone forgot about the original poster who was seeking help. I just don’t see how all these exchanges helped or comforted the original poster. Some might go back and read what the original poster was asking; not for a full blown debate about what midlife crisis is or is not. How does this help?