Men need respect, women need love

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How does one love another while at the same time disrespect them? Seems impossible to me. Unless you equate love with physical affections. But when on a Catholic message board, I would guess that love means “to will the good of another.”
 
Black Jaque:
How does one love another while at the same time disrespect them? Seems impossible to me. Unless you equate love with physical affections. But when on a Catholic message board, I would guess that love means “to will the good of another.”
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I would agree that it is impossible to love without respect but I keep reading and hearing that men need respect and women love, so I thought that I would ask.

I know that many here have clarified that men need outward displays of respect and women need outward displays of affection but I think that this is a rather broad stereotype that may not fit all of us.

Up until we had all these discussion on male/ female differences I felt pretty confident in my femininity, now I am feeling a bit like an alien creature.
 
IMO, I, as a woman, need love more than anything. If I get love from my H, respect naturally follows. Perhaps it’s different with men, as men are supposed to be the providers, etc. I think If I was a lousy wife, didn’t clean the home, didn’t cook, didn’t care for my children, my H wouldn’t love me. He’d snarl at me. Same for H. IF he doesn’t provide, doesn’t spiritually do something, women don’t respect him. So it’s different for the genders, I think. This is why women need love, and men need respect. Our roles ARE different, what we each provide and bring to the home and to the marriage are different.
 
Both are always necessary but men need respect so they can face God and the world and then lovingly pass on what they learn to wife and children. Men very much need respect even more than love.

St. Paul in Ephesians 5 lays this out clearly. “The Theology of the Body” is the best full explication of this truth.

CDL
 
I am not offended by this at all. Men and women need both love and respect.
I think this statement is more easily understood working backward. As a woman, though I cannot say for sure what it is like to be a man, I have a stronger tendancy to interpret some insensitive word or action as unloving, while my fiance (obviously a man), is more likely to interpret a similarly insensitive word or action as disrespectful.
Both love and respect are intangible, so it becomes necessary to examine how we demonstrate them. Love is most directly demonstrated through affection, and respect is most apparent through affirmation of skills or decisions. Neither is completely exclusive or inclusive of the other. I can respect a colleague for their expertise, but have no loving relationship with him or her. I can love a family member who has done something that have caused me to lose all respect for him or her. There must, however, be elements of love and respect in all human interactions. In particular, it is possible to show love by being respectful and show respect by being loving. Thus, men desire love and respect to be manifested as affirmation, and women desire love and respect to be demonstrated as affection.

It is no coincidence that the Bible tells men to love their wives and women to respect their husbands. Duh!
 
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vluvski:
I am not offended by this at all. Men and women need both love and respect.
I think this statement is more easily understood working backward. As a woman, though I cannot say for sure what it is like to be a man, I have a stronger tendancy to interpret some insensitive word or action as unloving, while my fiance (obviously a man), is more likely to interpret a similarly insensitive word or action as disrespectful.
Both love and respect are intangible, so it becomes necessary to examine how we demonstrate them. Love is most directly demonstrated through affection, and respect is most apparent through affirmation of skills or decisions. Neither is completely exclusive or inclusive of the other. I can respect a colleague for their expertise, but have no loving relationship with him or her. I can love a family member who has done something that have caused me to lose all respect for him or her. There must, however, be elements of love and respect in all human interactions. In particular, it is possible to show love by being respectful and show respect by being loving. Thus, men desire love and respect to be manifested as affirmation, and women desire love and respect to be demonstrated as affection.

It is no coincidence that the Bible tells men to love their wives and women to respect their husbands. Duh!
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I understand what you are saying and I am not arguing for the sake of arguement, I promise. Hopefully I do not come across as some extreme feminist Nazi, as that is not my intent.

I love my mother who, due to her mental problems, I have little respect for but I, myself, could not stay in a relationship with a man who did not respect me.

My hubby has a sarcastic humor that is often incrediably funny. But the flip side is that there are moments when he can be snide. I do not consider this unloving, I consider it disrespectful. It came to the point that I once almost left him over the issue of respect. I had no doubt that he loves me or that I love him. He is physically very demonstrative and is very willing to tell me that he loves me. In fact, he has been teased at work because of the number of times that he says “I Love you, Dear.” Before he gets off the phone with me.

But I could not live with his little sarcastic comments or what I felt was a dismissive attitude toward my opinion. I explained to him that as I always gave him respect, I expected the same courtesy. I was prepared to leave. Our marriage thankfully got better but it took time.
 
An interesting take I have read on this is that everyone needs much the same thing, but do their giving and taking in different ways. For instance, while many women find it easier to show love and emotion, many men find it easier to show respect. Hence the admonitions for women to take care to show respect and men to show love. Charge people to do what is hardest, and the easier will take care of itself.

Similarly, many women find that doing for others (sometimes called love) takes almost no thought, while men find that avoiding doing that which rubs the wrong way (sometimes called respect) comes more easily.

Another example (again, this is a trend, not a strict description of the sexes): When women give affection, they may be more likely to give in non-sexual ways and appreciate that affection that is given in non-sexual ways. Many men, on the other hand, find it easier to show their emotions sexually and appreciate affection more as affection when it is shown sexually (separately from appreciating it strictly as physical gratification, that is).

The questions to ask yourself are these: Do I know what actions my spouse percieves as particularly showing affection and respect? Are those some of the things I try to do, or do I only show affection and respect in my own way? Conversely, do I tell my spouse which of their actions I find easy to appreciate in those ways, and do I take the trouble to be grateful for their actions that communicate love, even when those are not done in the way I most prefer?

As for which is more important, love or respect… it is unfortunate that English requires so much of the word “love”, but if you look at the two great commandments, Love the Lord your God with your whole heart, your whole soul, and your whole mind and love your neighbor as yourself, the fullest meaning of English word “love” requires respect and gratitude of the deepest kind, and not just for one’s spouse.
 
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buffalo:
On the surface this appears to be true. When you get into the why things change.

Visit the website and you will find some really interesting stuff.

One point - in the book a survey was taken - men responded to the question would you rather be unloved or disrespected (paraphrasing) overwhelmingly replied that they would rather live alone without love rather than be shown no respect.

This is a very key indicator in the makeup of a man and smart women will want to understand this more. It is fundamental to men.

Love and Respect Book
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While I do like the book, the Strong-Willed Child, I would take anything James Dobson says with a grain of salt, simply because he comes from avery strong evangelical perspective.

I don’t have to look it up (on a break), but I think the way the Church teaches this is mutual love and respect within the marriage.

Sing it with me: R-E-S-P-E-C-T…😉
 
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OutinChgoburbs:
While I do like the book, the Strong-Willed Child, I would take anything James Dobson says with a grain of salt, simply because he comes from avery strong evangelical perspective.

I don’t have to look it up (on a break), but I think the way the Church teaches this is mutual love and respect within the marriage.

Sing it with me: R-E-S-P-E-C-T…😉
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The author of Love and Respect is not James Dobson - though you can buy it on his website.

These links I posted are Catholic: They are all saying the same thing.

**Wives, Obey Your Husbands

**How a Husband Should Handle His Wife’s Submission

Wives Be Subject to Your Husbands

Here is an additional one:

THE AUTHORITY OF THE HUSBAND ACCORDING TO THE MAGISTERIUM *By: Rev. Paul N. Check

*INTRODUCTION

The words, “Wives, be subject to your husbands,” jar many modern ears. Even though this exhortation comes from an inspired text in Sacred Scripture (Ephesians 5:22), many people–including practicing Catholics–are troubled by what appears to be a relic of Marriage customs “rightly” abandoned by contemporary culture. Those who resist any notion of hierarchy or patriarchy in the social order vigorously reject St. Paul’s concept of Marriage as an attack on the dignity of women. Even those Christians not hostile to Paul’s teaching may believe that given the state of modern society, there is little to be gained by investigating–let alone applying–Paul’s prescriptions concerning the relationship of the spouses. However, one Catholic scholar, Stephen Clark, suggests that the controversy or unease over the family order described in Ephesians 5:21-33 is a relatively recent phenomenon. Regarding the question of a “head of the family” he writes, “Few areas in early Christian teaching are as uniform and fewer still were held with the same consistency as long as this one, since the first Christian voices advocating a different approach were raised only in about the nineteenth century.” Clark continues, “There are few instances where it is clearer that a change in the approach of Christians is an abandonment of Christian tradition, and not only of tradition, but of every source of authoritative teaching that can lay claim on a Christian.”

more…
 
Black Jaque:
How does one love another while at the same time disrespect them? Seems impossible to me. Unless you equate love with physical affections. But when on a Catholic message board, I would guess that love means “to will the good of another.”
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For example, the girl I was in a serious relationship with before would always tell me she loved me and always wanted to hear it back. I have no problem with that, and I don’t doubt that she did love me. But I did feel disrespected because the things I loved most she didn’t care a flip for. I am an amateur musician, but she didn’t even care to hear my new album; I am a basketball player, but she never came to see a single game; she blatantly lambasted me for some of my Catholic beliefs that she doesn’t understand. All those things made me feel extremely disrespected, but to her she could just push them aside because she doesn’t perceive those “little” things as being necessary for love. But I didn’t feel respected from that, and hence I didn’t even feel truly loved. Both love and respect are connected to each other and necessary for men and women, but it’s not enough to just “will the good of another”; my girlfriend could will that I do great in hoops all she wanted, but it sure would’ve made my day if she just showed up even once in the bleachers.
 
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deb1:
My hubby has a sarcastic humor that is often incrediably funny. But the flip side is that there are moments when he can be snide. I do not consider this unloving, I consider it disrespectful.
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Many well-meaning husbands tend to be respectful and loving toward their wives in the way most men want to be loved and respected. In this sense, the woman doesn’t feel disrespected because she probably isn’t, but she does feel unloved because in her eyes, she is. Keep in mind I’m talking about largely successful relationships, not “problem” cases.

Since your husband is attentive to being loving toward you, any innate feminine sensitivity to lack of love has been quenched, so you become sensitized to another aspect of the relationship.

Kind of like if you’re starving, you want substantial food that will fill you up and be nourishing, but when you’re well-fed, you start to notice other types of food and want those, too.
That’s just my take on it, though.
 
Deb,

I’ve also heard that men want admiration. That may be what is getting confused with respect. I could understand where you can love without admiring, or respect without admiring.

Respect seems to be tied with honoring a persons dignity and rights. Whereas admiration seems to be tied with exalting a person’s abilities and accomplishments.
 
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vluvski:
Since your husband is attentive to being loving toward you, any innate feminine sensitivity to lack of love has been quenched, so you become sensitized to another aspect of the relationship.

Kind of like if you’re starving, you want substantial food that will fill you up and be nourishing, but when you’re well-fed, you start to notice other types of food and want those, too.
That’s just my take on it, though.
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So, I want respect because my hubby loves me enough. Does that mean if a man has enough respect from his wife that he would want outward expressions of love more? What do you mean by an 'innate feminine sensitivity to lack of love."? Don’t I have an 'innate feminine sensitivity to lack of respect"?

Of course, it could be that we are all unique individuals and that although most of humans might fit the gender stereotypes there are a substantial number of heterosexual people that don’t.
 
I think that one of the problems inherent in this discussion is that of semantics. We have vague and ambiguous definitions for and understandings of words like “love” and “respect”.
I agree with what someone posted earlier about how this admonition to husbands and wives might have more to do with calling us to go against what comes naturally in order to perfect ourselves.
For most women it does not come naturally to be able to bite our tongue and not criticize our husband when he does things differently than we would do them. Out of respect for our husbands, we should practice keeping quiet and not nagging. Practice not complaining about our husbands to our friends and families. This is usually much more difficult for women than it is for men. Men don’t usually nag all that much or critique our methods of going about our own tasks, and they certainly don’t tend to go running to their friends with complaints about their wives unless they are in serious distress.
On the other hand, men often do need to be reminded to be romantic and affectionate towards their wives in non-sexual ways as well as in the bedroom. While it comes naturally to most women to always be thinking about the needs and comfort of those around her, men generally need practice in being proactively considerate and caring (nurturing!) in addition to just being neutrally respectfull.
For example, when a guest comes into the home, generally it is the woman who will worry more about offering food and drink, making sure there’s toilet paper in the bathroom and clean towels and telling the guest how welcome they are and how much their company is appreciated. Men are more likely to take for granted that people know they love them, without their having to say anything about it, or do little considerate things to show it.
In general, men have much more respect for authority and tend not to question it as much as women do, even when they think their own way of doing something might be better. I think I personally, as a woman, would be incredibly frustrated in the military, because I would want things to be done MY WAY, not the drill sergeant’s. This doesn’t mean that I don’t need respect, on the contrary, I crave respect, but I have a much harder time showing it than my husband does.
 
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deb1:
So, I want respect because my hubby loves me enough. Does that mean if a man has enough respect from his wife that he would want outward expressions of love more? What do you mean by an 'innate feminine sensitivity to lack of love."? Don’t I have an 'innate feminine sensitivity to lack of respect"?

Of course, it could be that we are all unique individuals and that although most of humans might fit the gender stereotypes there are a substantial number of heterosexual people that don’t.
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Yes, I think once one need is satisfied, we become more attentive to lesser needs.

By innate feminine senstivity, I mean the (stereotypical) desire for romance, non-sexual affection, and thoughtful attention to feelings that the (stereotypical) male doesn’t notice.

I wouldn’t call the senstivity to lack of respect innately feminine. Stereotypical would probably have been a better word than innate, although I do believe that, unlike some stereotypes, these are validated by physiological differences between men and women.

Yes, we are unique and not everyone is going to fit every stereotype in every way. Some men are more romantic than others. Some women are less romantic than others. My general point is this: when a more romantic guy clicks with a less romantic woman, you no longer have the discrepancy. That’s it.
 
basically what I was trying to get at above, is that possibly when we are told as wives to respect our husbands, and our husbands are told to love us, this has more to do with reminding us how to behave rather than telling us how to feel. I think nowadays these things tend to be more confusing to us because our culture focusses so strongly on feelings and how to cultivate and manipulate and prolong feelings, rather than on how we can choose to behave despite what we may feel.
 
I think that one of the problems inherent in this discussion is that of semantics. We have vague and ambiguous definitions for and understandings of words like “love” and “respect”.
I agree with what someone posted earlier about how this admonition to husbands and wives might have more to do with calling us to go against what comes naturally in order to perfect ourselves.
For most women it does not come naturally to be able to bite our tongue and not criticize our husband when he does things differently than we would do them. Out of respect for our husbands, we should practice keeping quiet and not nagging. Practice not complaining about our husbands to our friends and families. This is usually much more difficult for women than it is for men. Men don’t usually nag all that much or critique our methods of going about our own tasks, and they certainly don’t tend to go running to their friends with complaints about their wives unless they are in serious distress.
On the other hand, men often do need to be reminded to be romantic and affectionate towards their wives in non-sexual ways as well as in the bedroom. While it comes naturally to most women to always be thinking about the needs and comfort of those around her, men generally need practice in being proactively considerate and caring (nurturing!) in addition to just being neutrally respectfull.
For example, when a guest comes into the home, generally it is the woman who will worry more about offering food and drink, making sure there’s toilet paper in the bathroom and clean towels and telling the guest how welcome they are and how much their company is appreciated. Men are more likely to take for granted that people know they love them, without their having to say anything about it, or do little considerate things to show it.
In general, men have much more respect for authority and tend not to question it as much as women do, even when they think their own way of doing something might be better. I think I personally, as a woman, would be incredibly frustrated in the military, because I would want things to be done MY WAY, not the drill sergeant’s. This doesn’t mean that I don’t need respect, on the contrary, I crave respect, but I have a much harder time showing it than my husband does.
 
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radio-cipher:
basically what I was trying to get at above, is that possibly when we are told as wives to respect our husbands, and our husbands are told to love us, this has more to do with reminding us how to behave rather than telling us how to feel. I think nowadays these things tend to be more confusing to us because our culture focusses so strongly on feelings and how to cultivate and manipulate and prolong feelings, rather than on how we can choose to behave despite what we may feel.
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:clapping:
 
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