Men "not getting it"

[dessert]

First, why did you marry someone who isn’t romantic, sympathic or understanding? Stop for just a minute and think about that comment. Surely you are over-exagerating. He must have at least seemed this way to you at some point.

Secondly, you sound jealous of your brothers. Why were you not hanging out with your brothers during the service for your father? I would love to think that my husband would find something interesting with my BIL (I don’t have brothers).

Third, when you say things to him like “It really hurts my feelings when…”, are you not instilling depression and anxiety in him? Are you not confirming that he does nothing right?

How many times are you “THANKING” him for the things he does right? Sort of what we do to God a lot… We beg for the things we want, and seldom give him thanks for what we get.

Love grows to a much stronger feeling once we get beyond simple things like “romance” and “sympathy”. Love is understanding the person is different.

God made men and women different for a reason. If we were all the same then it would be a sad world. Women cry, pout, become moody (due to hormones) and we can be nags when we want to be.

Think of things like this… The man is like the nice sturdy chair in the dining room and his wife is like the cushion in the chair.

Be his strength during this. Start listening to his advise on your cooking…maybe he will honestly tell you how he likes things prepared.

LET HIM SEE THAT HE IS THE MAN in the family.

God hears a woman crying and he sees your tears. He will help you if you listen to what he is saying.

Or he may need prilosec because of an ulcer, you never know and don’t imagine she is the cause of this, it is genetic usually the tendency towards it.
D.

 

[JFonseka]

Men are usually more attentive in the beginning.
So what happens?
D.

No idea, I’m not married.

 

[PaulinVA]

First I’m going to rant, and then I’ll comment on the topic.

Rant - who died and left women as the gender to determine what “it” is? Maybe we don’t get “it” sometimes because we don’t know “it”.

Okay, there, that feels better. Yes, there are guys that are coarse and seem to be lacking in the social graces. There are also women who are coarse and lacking in the social graces. When the man and women are equally lacking, it’s a marriage made in heaven. When they are not, it’s a constant source of tension for one of them or both of them.

As someone said earlier, you don’t have a lot of success trying to change people. You can, however, change your reaction to what your spouse does.

 

[CarrieH]

Men are usually more attentive in the beginning.
So what happens?

Men are hunters by nature. They are on their good behavior while they are “hunting” us, but once they have won their “prey,” many of them see no need to keep up with the courting behavior. Even my ex-bf with Asperger’s was attentive in the first months we dated (see my previous post, #14). This kind of stuff is yet another example of why rushing into marriage is so foolish.

Women aren’t innocent of this, either. How many of us know someone who went to great lengths to look her best for her bf, cooked fancy dinners for him, etc., but once the ring was on her finger, she drifted into sweats and a ponytail, with Hamburger Helper for dinner? Not that there is anything wrong with either once in awhile, but when it’s a regular habit, that’s not so good.

Some of the courting behavior naturally falls by the wayside as a couple’s adult responsibilities increase. The work of running a household, caring for children, and providing for the family often doesn’t leave a lot of time for candlelight dinners and romance. But letting common courtesies slip away, such as the OP was mentioning, is a matter of laziness and inconsideration, and there is little excuse for that.

 

[dessert]

Men are hunters by nature. They are on their good behavior while they are “hunting” us, but once they have won their “prey,” many of them see no need to keep up with the courting behavior. Even my ex-bf with Asperger’s was attentive in the first months we dated (see my previous post, #14). This kind of stuff is yet another example of why rushing into marriage is so foolish.

Women aren’t innocent of this, either. How many of us know someone who went to great lengths to look her best for her bf, cooked fancy dinners for him, etc., but once the ring was on her finger, she drifted into sweats and a ponytail, with Hamburger Helper for dinner? Not that there is anything wrong with either once in awhile, but when it’s a regular habit, that’s not so good.

Some of the courting behavior naturally falls by the wayside as a couple’s adult responsibilities increase. The work of running a household, caring for children, and providing for the family often doesn’t leave a lot of time for candlelight dinners and romance. But letting common courtesies slip away, such as the OP was mentioning, is a matter of laziness and inconsideration, and there is little excuse for that.

Yes I agree and it doesn’t get any easier as the next 30 years will tell.
I have been married 39 and next feb. will be 40.
I have learned to say things like “you were just about to offer to open the door for me” or “to drop me off at the door of the store because it ias raining and you didn’t want me to get wet I’m sure I heard you just say that”

But that has been mostly in the last 10 years and I do get tired of reminding him to be polite. He usually just po poo’s me but does it. He is a real game player. I try not to act to maucho so that he can feel usefull and not take advantage of it.

What has influenced my dh a lot is his work, he has had 3 real seperate steady jobs, not all at once, in his life and stays faithfully at them and is a good worker so like my friend said you still love him don’t you, and some don’t understand really how good they do have it.
Just start reading some threads in the prayer section and I can see some real suffering going on.

But my dh works in a factory has for 15 years and the stuff goes on there is pretty awfull, it is mostly men and they don’t hold back anything , my dh doesn’t swear or use gross language and he said he sits a lot by himself on lunch and break, he said it is so bad and management can’t do much because they quit for a while and then start up again. He did get management to take down the nudes that some of the guys put up. It is an axillary to GM, parts and supplies and some times they have too much time on their hands. My dh wears an MP3 player to help with the monontemy and the vulgar distractions. He can’t wait to retire. But that may not be for 6 more years.
He gets influenced by them some because of being actually having to be so defensive to it all at work. I tell him hey I’m not the enemy so he vents at his workshop a little.
Sometimes though I can’t get him to talk about what is really bothering him and I will ask and I think he soesn’t even know.
Then I say when when it seems you know we’ll talk and about 4 days later, he says you know my machine at work was broke deliberately by this guy at work and that was buggging me.
Whoah took that long.
Well we are a cushion for each other so that is the partnership and I hope the OP can find a way as God does make us one, always.
God Bless
D.

 

[Norseman82]

First and foremost, men can’t read minds. If you want something of us, come out and say it instead of complaining that “we don’t get it” or are clueless.

Second, if your husband was really diagnosed with clinical depression, how about you using this as an opportunity to exercise the virtues of patience and understanding?

 

[MooCowSteph]

I am truly amazed at how people post this about their own spouse. I am embarrassed for the both of you for how poorly you treat your husband behind his back. I would never have thought the Catholic Answers forum would be a repository for this brand of unfaithfulness.

Sometimes people just need to talk, and it can be difficult to discuss it with friends or family specifically because you don’t want to appear rude or make your spouse look bad. It’s helpful to know you’re not alone.

 

[MooCowSteph]

Can I jump in and complain a little? I really don’t have any advice to offer, but I wouldn’t mind doing a small bit of unloading

I usually feel terrible saying/feeling anything negative about DH because he is super helpful, pretty understanding, and a great dad. BUT he lacks personal relationship skills, like conversation skills. I noticed some time ago that he never asks me personal questions. Like, for example, he’ll be recounting a story of his childhood or some other time before we met, and I’ll ask a question pertaining to the story, promting him to share more, and just having a regular, interesting conversation. When I share, I never get the same. I honestly can’t remember a time when he asked me a personal question beyond “how was your day” or something equally dull. And he’s incredibly difficult to brainstorm with or to discuss a problem with. I always get a “whatever you think is best” or “I don’t know”. Whenever I have a problem, I just call my mom. She knows how to cheer me up.

I’d loved to go on one of those weekend encounters, but it’s hard both because of having a toddler and because he snores so loudly we can rarely sleep the whole night in the same room.

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

When I read one of these sorts of posts, I try to take them at face value. I know full well that there are two sides to every story. But, it doesn’t accomplish anything to bring too much of our own baggage and assumptions into it.

I offered two possible interpretations for the behavior described in the OP. I don’t think it’s a matter of “It’s either this or it’s that” but I do think that it’s possibly one or the other.

For all I know, it’s something entirely different. The OP could be following Fascinating Womanhood to a “T” or she could be a slovenly, demanding harridan. I just go by what is in the post.

 

[KCT]

Thanks for all the replies. --KCT