Men "not getting it"

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I seriously dated a man who truly “didn’t get it,” nor did he “get” that he “didn’t get it.” Turns out he had Asperger’s Syndrome and depression. Perhaps some of your clueless DH’s have similar issues. Of course, getting them to “get it” that they might need help is another issue altogether. 🤷

During the initial phase, x-bf acted thoughtful and attentive, but I think that was the result of a book he had read about how to win a woman’s heart. Later, when his true colors showed, I saw how much he truly didn’t get it, and it was kinda scary. He truly had no clue how to be a partner in a relationship, nor did he have the faintest idea how to consider my feelings. This landed him in the doghouse many times, but his empathy was limited to learning what things would make me angry. He would sneak around behind my back if he wanted to do something that I didn’t approve of (which in our case usually involved squandering money while we were supposed to be saving for our future together), and then he would lie about it because he knew I’d be mad if I found out. As if I would be less mad about the lies than the original action??? :banghead: Sorry, dude, but I have better things to do with my life than to spend it with someone whom I can’t trust to be open and honest with me. I knew about the depressive tendencies, but when his sister later told me that he had Asperger’s, it all made sense. I had no problem forgiving him; he couldn’t help treating me that way. But I wasn’t about to take him back just because he couldn’t help himself! I’m just glad that I found this out before I made a vow that I would later regret.

Nobeerinheaven, you obviously don’t like the content of this thread, but at least we have a place to seek help and offer support in a fairly anonymous manner. Nobody here is giving names or identifying details. If my post helps someone to avoid marrying a man who is at high-risk for making their lives miserable, I’m glad to have the chance to warn them.
 
The OP is not deriding her husband. She loves her husband and wants a better relationship with him. She’s doing this because she cares.

I was in an abusive marriage for 17 years. I never shared any of my husband’s problems with others. I was understanding and forgiving. I would encourage him in everything that he did that was positive. I kept hoping and praying that he would get better. In that situation, what I did was the worst thing that I could have done. I enabled his behavior and protected him from the consequences.

Sometimes the worst thing you can do is keep problems to yourself. I never would have had the strength to find change if when I came here I was told to keep quiet and not discuss the problems. It’s not healthy to not talk about things. This is the Family Life forum and people are welcome to look for advice and support from others. Sometimes it really helps to know that you are not the only one going through these things. I think if anything jmcrae’s posts showed that sometimes maybe you just have to see the humor. If you don’t laugh, then you’ll be crying. I don’t see anyone saying her husband is rotten or making any judgements against him. Really what people are discussing is the behavior and not the person.
 
dulcissima said:
Nobeerinheaven, your comments are uncharitable. There is a difference between looking for help/support and gossiping. One is helpful and the other is harmful. When you are only kind to someone who has hurtful or harmful behavior, you do them no favors. What the OP is doing, looking for some outside opinions and ideas is healthy, and in the end she really is doing her husband a favor by not politely overlooking his beahvior.

And I think jmcrae has a healthy and humorous attitude about her husband’s unusual behavior.
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Thank you!!!
 
KCT said:
So, when does a guy not “getting it” go too far?

My dh as never been romantic, sympathetic or very understanding. Earlier this year he was diagnosed w/ anxiety/ depression, so that explains some things.

However, he does things that he thinks are perfectly normal, that I think are beyond not getting it. At my dad’s informal memorial service (more like a picnic - long story) my dh ignored me and hung out with my brothers. When I said something later, his reply was, “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen your brothers for a long time.” Can a guy really be that clueless? To justify ignoring his spouse after her father’s death? I’m convinced he was not trying to be mean, he just didn’t know how to act.

He very frequently (almost every night) critiques the meals I fix and thinks I should just put up with it. He frequently corrects how I do things, but refuses to do them himself. At his company X-mas party he left me standing at the bar waiting for my drink. He got his drink and walked off. (a co-worker was there and chimed in nicely, “Did X just leave you here? I’ll wait and walk you back to the table.”)

Sadly, he gets angry or irritated if I mention these things. I really do try to be charitable if I bring it up. I even say, "It hurts my feelings when . . . " A common reply, is that I shouldn’t feel that way. 🤷

So, how come some guys know how to treat a lady and others don’t? Is it learned, as in something his parents should have taught him but never did? Is it something we pick up by watching others but he’s never picked up on that? —KCT
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I’m sorry to hear that, KCT. I think there are times when my husband totally ‘gets it,’ and other times not. But, it depends how men were raised…their relationships with their moms…how they saw their dad treat their mothers. How did your fatherinlaw, treat your motherinlaw, may I ask? Does your dh respect his mom?

I read a while back in a marital type article, that women and men should say…‘I really don’t like when you…and it really needs to change.’ (obviously, if it’s reasonable, and a request like this to your husband in the above examples would be warranted, if you ask me) But, please answer the above, because there’s a lot to say about how we were raised, and how we then turn to relating to our spouses, based on that upbringing.
 
dulcissima said:
The OP is not deriding her husband. She loves her husband and wants a better relationship with him. She’s doing this because she cares.
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Whatever her intentions, the fact that she is describing his faults (or those faults she perceives him to have) and attributing multiple marriage problems to those faults is deriding him, by any account. She said few good or loving things about him. Again, I am embarrassed for those women who have also described their husbands in overwhelmingly negative ways; jmcrae, for instance, describes her husband as a buffoon. Not only does that reflect poorly on her decision making in picking a spouse, it reflects poorly on how she loves her husband now that she has him as a spouse, as instead of lovingly accepting those perceived flaws, she parades them behind his back. I simply do not understand how several of you can be so insensitive to how you are mistreating your husbands like this, and masquerade that ‘show and tell’ as “seeking support.” There hasn’t been a single piece of marital advice that I’ve seen, other than two posts recommending counseling (and one of those was me).
 
nobeerinheaven said:
I am truly amazed at how people post this about their own spouse. I am embarrassed for the both of you for how poorly you treat your husband behind his back. I would never have thought the Catholic Answers forum would be a repository for this brand of unfaithfulness. 😦
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That’s just another example of why I’ve remained single since my divorce/annulment of 11 years ago.

And not to hijack the thread, but talking about “relationships”, I just recently spotted my ex in town (haven’t seen her since the Div/Annul).

Spoke to her briefly - her life has tumbled. She’s living with a guy, has no $$ to speak of, lives in a very bad neighborhood, drives a $300 car. Still cursing and swearing.

Ughh.

She asked me how that “religion thing” turned out. LOL

I felt very bad for her … was depressing.
 
nobeerinheaven said:
Whatever her intentions, the fact that she is describing his faults (or those faults she perceives him to have) and attributing multiple marriage problems to those faults is deriding him, by any account. She said few good or loving things about him. Again, I am embarrassed for those women who have also described their husbands in overwhelmingly negative ways; jmcrae, for instance, describes her husband as a buffoon. Not only does that reflect poorly on her decision making in picking a spouse, it reflects poorly on how she loves her husband now that she has him as a spouse, as instead of lovingly accepting those perceived flaws, she parades them behind his back. I simply do not understand how several of you can be so insensitive to how you are mistreating your husbands like this, and masquerade that ‘show and tell’ as “seeking support.” There hasn’t been a single piece of marital advice that I’ve seen, other than two posts recommending counseling (and one of those was me).
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Well, I agree to not namecall one’s spouse/loved ones…I think it borders into gossip…but, this is a message board, and a place for some people to vent about their home lives. That being said…we should all be mindful of the words we use to describe others whom we are angry with.:o
 
This is a general reminder that threads should remain on-topic. When a problem exists, moderators should be contacted using the bad post report button.

Please continue discussing the original topic at hand. 👍
 
Try saying to him, ex. I fixed your favorite meal ex. spagetti, tonight and wait for a response. If it is negative just say his neg back to him like oh you don’t like it I will throw it out.
You are really talking to a spirit, this is what a dominican nun was teaching us one time at church.
You are talking to a spirit I repeat sorry, but see not really.

If he says grudgingly says yeah its ok say thank you and really overemphasize it and kiss him because you got a half a response anyways.
Try being a maximizer a little and make him feel needed. when you are at the bar pretend to fall of f the chair or drop or spill your drink on purpose and say onh no my husband will help me and ssay it loud like you mean it and then give him a big smile .

If he is on depression medicine it may make him tired so talk him into mountain dew if he is allowed it.

I repeat you are talking to a spirit this nun helped me to see the spirit instead of the man.

By the way that other man is not a good spirit, that was helping you if it was a man.

If he likes the meal don’t miss the oporotunity for him to do something for you but ask him what he wants to do for you or suggest something simple like rub your feet always praise him you are praising that spirit.

If you want praise ask him if you look nice and he may say yes than give him lots of praise especially in front of others.
Hold back the criticism for the bathroomwhere you can tell the roll of tissue what you reall fell unless you can tell him constructively.
but more than likely he won’t be able to handle it.

this is advice from an old nun at church
D.
 
Would your husband consider a Marriage Encounter weekend? I think it would be very helpful to your marriage.
 
Opening the Bible at random the other day , to the words of the Book of Song of Songs , remembered someone asking, why such a book in the Scripture …

And true , we have often heard of its symbolism in the spiritual union of The Church as The Bride and so on …

Then , mention was made by someone respected in the field that as powerful as word of God is, this Book could well be the God given marital therapy …

Would it not be good to see how many marriages could be healed / restored by the addition of this Godly prescription … as a good addendum to the rosary !
 
KCT said:
So, when does a guy not “getting it” go too far?

My dh as never been romantic, sympathetic or very understanding. Earlier this year he was diagnosed w/ anxiety/ depression, so that explains some things.

However, he does things that he thinks are perfectly normal, that I think are beyond not getting it. At my dad’s informal memorial service (more like a picnic - long story) my dh ignored me and hung out with my brothers. When I said something later, his reply was, “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen your brothers for a long time.” Can a guy really be that clueless? To justify ignoring his spouse after her father’s death? I’m convinced he was not trying to be mean, he just didn’t know how to act.

He very frequently (almost every night) critiques the meals I fix and thinks I should just put up with it. He frequently corrects how I do things, but refuses to do them himself. At his company X-mas party he left me standing at the bar waiting for my drink. He got his drink and walked off. (a co-worker was there and chimed in nicely, “Did X just leave you here? I’ll wait and walk you back to the table.”)

Sadly, he gets angry or irritated if I mention these things. I really do try to be charitable if I bring it up. I even say, "It hurts my feelings when . . . " A common reply, is that I shouldn’t feel that way. 🤷

So, how come some guys know how to treat a lady and others don’t? Is it learned, as in something his parents should have taught him but never did? Is it something we pick up by watching others but he’s never picked up on that? —KCT
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sorry to hear about your husband.

You sound like a caring woman that really loves her family, although we haven’t heard his side of the story.

regardless he should be greatful he has someone that even fixes him a meal. My wife just does microwave meals because she refuses to learn how to cook.

the old adage “you never know what you have until you lose it”
 
KCT said:
Did one a couple of years ago at my urging. Not much came of it. —KCT
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I’m sorry to hear that. I will pray for you and your husband.

The only people we can change is ourselves -yeah that stinks I know. Maybe some counseling for yourself would help you cope with your husband’s insensitive behavior. I did this because of issues I had with my mother and it helped a lot. It helped me make healthy choices for myself on how and what I would tolerate. Also I recommend a book by Catholic counselor Gregory Popcak. (see link)
God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts: Making Peace with Difficult People
exceptionalmarriages.com/book3.htm
 
someone else has mentioned asperger’s syndrome, and that did occurr to me while reading your post. But, it was just a vague idea/suggestion. My brother has never been diagnosed with AS, but once I found out what it was and read a description, I said, “That’s my brother!” and others have had the same reaction. Anyway, “Just doesn’t get it” pretty much sums up how adults with Asperger’s Syndrome act. They can do some really inconsiderate things. My brother doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, but he does things that really annoy and frustrate other people.

So, it may be that your husband has some sort of thing where he genuinely is “wired that way” and has no clue that he’s being offensive and rude. Do some reading on Asperger’s Syndrome and see if that sounds like your husband’s issue.

On the other hand, what you describe could also sound like somebody who DOES know what they’re doing and are doing it out of thinly-concealed anger. The part where you said he tells you that “you shouldn’t feel that way” when you say “My feelings are hurt when…” sounds a bit like that. Being mean and then telling the person that they have no right to their feelings is a pretty common ploy for people who are emotionally abusive. It may be that your husband is very angry at you but can’t admit it to you or himself and so he is always finding little ways to express his anger, but if you call him on it, he’ll deny it all.
 
KCT said:
So, when does a guy not “getting it” go too far?

My dh as never been romantic, sympathetic or very understanding. Earlier this year he was diagnosed w/ anxiety/ depression, so that explains some things.

However, he does things that he thinks are perfectly normal, that I think are beyond not getting it. At my dad’s informal memorial service (more like a picnic - long story) my dh ignored me and hung out with my brothers. When I said something later, his reply was, “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen your brothers for a long time.” Can a guy really be that clueless? To justify ignoring his spouse after her father’s death? I’m convinced he was not trying to be mean, he just didn’t know how to act.

He very frequently (almost every night) critiques the meals I fix and thinks I should just put up with it. He frequently corrects how I do things, but refuses to do them himself. At his company X-mas party he left me standing at the bar waiting for my drink. He got his drink and walked off. (a co-worker was there and chimed in nicely, “Did X just leave you here? I’ll wait and walk you back to the table.”)

Sadly, he gets angry or irritated if I mention these things. I really do try to be charitable if I bring it up. I even say, "It hurts my feelings when . . . " A common reply, is that I shouldn’t feel that way. 🤷

So, how come some guys know how to treat a lady and others don’t? Is it learned, as in something his parents should have taught him but never did? Is it something we pick up by watching others but he’s never picked up on that? —KCT
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First, why did you marry someone who isn’t romantic, sympathic or understanding? Stop for just a minute and think about that comment. Surely you are over-exagerating. He must have at least seemed this way to you at some point.

Secondly, you sound jealous of your brothers. Why were you not hanging out with your brothers during the service for your father? I would love to think that my husband would find something interesting with my BIL (I don’t have brothers).

Third, when you say things to him like “It really hurts my feelings when…”, are you not instilling depression and anxiety in him? Are you not confirming that he does nothing right?

How many times are you “THANKING” him for the things he does right? Sort of what we do to God a lot… We beg for the things we want, and seldom give him thanks for what we get.

Love grows to a much stronger feeling once we get beyond simple things like “romance” and “sympathy”. Love is understanding the person is different.

God made men and women different for a reason. If we were all the same then it would be a sad world. Women cry, pout, become moody (due to hormones) and we can be nags when we want to be.

Think of things like this… The man is like the nice sturdy chair in the dining room and his wife is like the cushion in the chair.

Be his strength during this. Start listening to his advise on your cooking…maybe he will honestly tell you how he likes things prepared.

LET HIM SEE THAT HE IS THE MAN in the family.

God hears a woman crying and he sees your tears. He will help you if you listen to what he is saying.
 
Complain after getting married. It’s not like he suddenly picked up this habit of ignoring you at crucial times? Or was it…
 
pyropam said:
Third, when you say things to him like “It really hurts my feelings when…”, are you not instilling depression and anxiety in him? Are you not confirming that he does nothing right?
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And let him get away with hurtful behavior scot-free? I don’t think so. If he is doing something hurtful, he needs to be called on it. If it causes him anxiety to be confronted, maybe that will be a reminder to him to be more considerate in the future. And phrasing it that way is often far more effective than saying, “You hurt my feelings.” It is less likely to provoke a defensive response because it focuses on the action which was hurtful rather than the “you,” which can be perceived as a personal attack.

But I agree with you 100% that we need to show appreciation for the good things, too. Don’t just harp on the bad and forget to praise the positive.
 
KCT said:
snip

My dh as never been romantic, sympathetic or very understanding. Earlier this year he was diagnosed w/ anxiety/ depression, so that explains some things.

snip
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If he has never been romantic, sympathetic or understanding, I’m curious how it was you married him in the first place.

Other than that, I don’t really have any advice.
 
JFonseka said:
Complain after getting married. It’s not like he suddenly picked up this habit of ignoring you at crucial times? Or was it…
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Men are usually more attentive in the beginning.
So what happens?
D.
 
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