Men who practice NFP with their wives

[1inICXC]

Hi all,

My husband and I are 25-year-old newlyweds practicing natural family planning (NFP). We attended classes conducted by Couple to Couple League and wholeheartedly believe in NFP as a way to put off pregnancy, as well as to use to ultimately conceive.

As a woman, it seems to be much easier for me to abstain during my fertile period than it is for my husband (for obvious reasons, it would seem, since he is a guy). In his sex-driven moments (which are very frequent!), it is hard to keep him off me.

**Are there any men out there who practice NFP with their wives and can help with practices during the period of fertility? I am eager for my husband to connect with other men who abstain with their wives during fertility and to learn what you do when sexual intercourse is not an option.

Any help/advice/outreach would be VERY appreciated by the both of us! Thank you!

How did you handle this prior to marriage? If he was able to be in control of his desires then, he can surely manage to do the same thing now. Overall, men just have to learn that women aren’t a candy rack that tries to fight them off, but persons who need to be loved and respected regardless how sexually available they are or they aren’t.

He needs a deeper prayer life and a more mature outlook on life and love.

 

[Moore11]

Annoyed? Maybe ocassionally, but every case is different and while i’d love to have the free days some have i wouldn’t want the marital strife they may have on other issues, minus the perpetul absitence, our marriage is amazing. Different crosses i guess. I, i should say we, get frustrated when people have a loose attitude about the situation; NFP institutions telling us to just get pregnant and hope its okay, instructors bailing us because they don’t get the chart, priests scoffing at us for “complaining” people thinking we are absolutely insane to have deal with this. We try to let it just roll off but it truly does hurt, and there are no answers given to us or course of action. It doesn’t fit nicely in the defined box, we’re told good luck, and dropped out of peoples and the churches thoughts. I’m glad it works so well for some people, but those of us who it has so far been a total failure are told to be abstinent for the rest of our fertile lives, make sure to stay intimate…but not too intimate, and then given no further consideration or help. But as long as my wife can still take communion which means the world to her, and her health is not comprimised by a pregnancy I can endure. But our intimate life is dead. And may forever be, much to our deep sadness. I got kinda lost in my thoughts there. Sorry. But no not annoyed, happy for them, hope they know how good they got it. And I’ll pray it gets even better for them.

That is powerful. There was a thread on these boards the other day that was basically saying if NFP is hard then it is because you are doing it wrong. That kind of thing annoys me.
Your testimony is an example of how hard some have to work to try to be holy.
I use cases like yours in examples where people say NFP will not work for them for whatever inconvenient reason they can come up with.

I will pray for your guys and I will cherish my situation a little more because of your story.

 

[The_Bucket]

That is powerful. There was a thread on these boards the other day that was basically saying if NFP is hard then it is because you are doing it wrong. That kind of thing annoys me.
Your testimony is an example of how hard some have to work to try to be holy.
I use cases like yours in examples where people say NFP will not work for them for whatever inconvenient reason they can come up with.

I will pray for your guys and I will cherish my situation a little more because of your story.

Agreed. Whatever sentiment is out there saying that NFP should be easy if you have the right mindset needs to be quashed. Why? Because being holy isn’t easy. We are all inclined to sin and sexual sin is a particularly difficult battle because it is so ingrained in our DNA. After all, without a strong desire for sex embedded in humanity, there wouldn’t be so many of us in existence!

NFP can be relatively easy at times and a great struggle at other times. This is no surprise because being a good person can alternatively be easy at times and hard other times. Sometimes it just matters what side of the bed you wake up on when it comes to those issues! If the situation caused discord in the marriage, then yes I think there might be a mindset problem. If the issue is resisting the natural inclination to physically demonstrate the love for a spouse then I daresay there is nothing that mentally needs to be changed. Just need a few extra prayers and some patience!

 

[Em_in_FL]

Annoyed? Maybe ocassionally, but every case is different and while i’d love to have the free days some have i wouldn’t want the marital strife they may have on other issues, minus the perpetul absitence, our marriage is amazing. Different crosses i guess. I, i should say we, get frustrated when people have a loose attitude about the situation; NFP institutions telling us to just get pregnant and hope its okay, instructors bailing us because they don’t get the chart, priests scoffing at us for “complaining” people thinking we are absolutely insane to have deal with this. We try to let it just roll off but it truly does hurt, and there are no answers given to us or course of action. It doesn’t fit nicely in the defined box, we’re told good luck, and dropped out of peoples and the churches thoughts. I’m glad it works so well for some people, but those of us who it has so far been a total failure are told to be abstinent for the rest of our fertile lives, make sure to stay intimate…but not too intimate, and then given no further consideration or help. But as long as my wife can still take communion which means the world to her, and her health is not comprimised by a pregnancy I can endure. But our intimate life is dead. And may forever be, much to our deep sadness. I got kinda lost in my thoughts there. Sorry. But no not annoyed, happy for them, hope they know how good they got it. And I’ll pray it gets even better for them.

Wow I’m so sorry you’ve been treated like that.
You will be in my prayers that whatever health issue your wife is dealing with will be miraculously lifted from your life. Never give up hope.

 

[manualman]

For the OP, for me a major NFP practice breakthrough was the day I realized that its SUPPOSED to really stink!

Allow me to 'splain. We’re made and designed for our love to be fruitful. To generate new life. When a genuinely serious reason exists not to get pregnant, that’s an obstacle and exception to the natural order of what sexual intimacy IS. The couple that reacts to that reason by being physically intimate anyways and using some technique to prevent the pregnancy that otherwise would result (contraception) CHANGES that encounter. Cheapens it in a way that the soul of each detects and knows deep inside. It becomes a wound that causes cumulative damage in the realtionship.

The couple that reacts to that serious reason not to get pregnant by resisting the natural urge to be intimate during fertile times has to deal with the natural frustration of not giving each other what they want to give each other, but because they do manage to resist, that deeper intimacy remains intact. When they are only intimate during naturally infertile times, they don’t violate the nature of their relationship. They are frustrated at times, but that sacrifice both serves as a lie detector test regarding the serious reason, but also as a statement they make to each other that they each value the entirety of their intimacy more than just the gratified thrill of the moment.

Dealing with that frustration is simply one of the gifts of love the man must give his wife (I can’t speak to how you ladies deal with it). It’s OK that it sucks. We’re men, we can handle unpleasant sacrifices for the sake of love. Once you learn that and realize it’s something you can give as a gift, it has meaning instead of being a useless deprivation. It still sucks, but it now plays a knowable purpose, much like hard excercise or finishing a car repair in spite of the busted knuckles.

 

[waywardson]

That is powerful. There was a thread on these boards the other day that was basically saying if NFP is hard then it is because you are doing it wrong. That kind of thing annoys me.
Your testimony is an example of how hard some have to work to try to be holy.
I use cases like yours in examples where people say NFP will not work for them for whatever inconvenient reason they can come up with.

I will pray for your guys and I will cherish my situation a little more because of your story.

Except sometimes NFP IS hard because you are doing it wrong.

When we struggled with NFP, our biggest problem was the technical method issues. Talk of suffering and holiness and “offering it up” was really annoying, when when what we needed was a new method, better instruction in the faith, and the right attitude.

Sometimes people need sympathy; other times they need advice.

All the sympathy in the world wouldn’t have helped us half as much as a simple unsympathetic “Why, exactly, aren’t you taking her temperature again?”

 

[Moore11]

Except sometimes NFP IS hard because you are doing it wrong.

When we struggled with NFP, our biggest problem was the technical method issues. Talk of suffering and holiness and really wasn’t helpful when what we needed was a new method, better instruction in the faith, and the right attitude.

Sometimes people need sympathy; other times they need advice.

All the sympathy in the world wouldn’t have helped us half as much as a simple unsympathetic “Why, exactly, aren’t you taking her temperature again?”

That was not our case. We know it well, and always have. It isnt that hard for us and we have many charts and tools to help. NFP is bundled as some kind of marriage enhancing panacea and it isnt. It is hard because it should be hard.
But then again we live in a word where children are burdens and you should never have more than two.

 

[waywardson]

For the OP, for me a major NFP practice breakthrough was the day I realized that its SUPPOSED to really stink!

Allow me to 'splain. We’re made and designed for our love to be fruitful. To generate new life. When a genuinely serious reason exists not to get pregnant, that’s an obstacle and exception to the natural order of what sexual intimacy IS. The couple that reacts to that reason by being physically intimate anyways and using some technique to prevent the pregnancy that otherwise would result (contraception) CHANGES that encounter. Cheapens it in a way that the soul of each detects and knows deep inside. It becomes a wound that causes cumulative damage in the realtionship.

The couple that reacts to that serious reason not to get pregnant by resisting the natural urge to be intimate during fertile times has to deal with the natural frustration of not giving each other what they want to give each other, but because they do manage to resist, that deeper intimacy remains intact. When they are only intimate during naturally infertile times, they don’t violate the nature of their relationship. They are frustrated at times, but that sacrifice both serves as a lie detector test regarding the serious reason, but also as a statement they make to each other that they each value the entirety of their intimacy more than just the gratified thrill of the moment.

Dealing with that frustration is simply one of the gifts of love the man must give his wife (I can’t speak to how you ladies deal with it). It’s OK that it sucks. We’re men, we can handle unpleasant sacrifices for the sake of love. Once you learn that and realize it’s something you can give as a gift, it has meaning instead of being a useless deprivation. It still sucks, but it now plays a knowable purpose, much like hard excercise or finishing a car repair in spite of the busted knuckles.

+1

I can’t really add much to this, except the most difficult part really is not being able to satisfy each other. It’s something that is extremely difficult to resist because it goes against all our natural instincts–not just biological, but emotional and relational.

For the ladies, I can only speculate, but my understanding is that it stinks, but not for as long of a time. I once explained to my wife. “You know how you feel when you are ovulating? Guys feel like that the ALL THE TIME after a couple of days.” She was a lot more sympathetic.

 

[mommamaree]

For the ladies, I can only speculate, but my understanding is that it stinks, but not for as long of a time. I once explained to my wife. “You know how you feel when you are ovulating? Guys feel like that the ALL THE TIME after a couple of days.” She was a lot more sympathetic.

Thanks for bringing this up wayward son!

I am honestly amazed at how few people are aware of the painful sensations women experience due to sexual frustration. To go for days, or worse, weeks, without an opportunity to go all the way with one’s husband can be sheer torture for the wife, too. Like somehow one’s womb was turned into a lead weight and one’s entire pelvic floor strains under the pressure. Men are not alone in their burden. But as our family size increases or challenges arise in family life, and an uninterrupted period of time for an intimate encounter becomes more rare, we must perservere and remind ourselves this too shall pass (at least for the majority of couples). But really, Catholic people considering the marriage vocation and all Catholic couples already married, we must all finally recognize and acknowledge that women suffer physically from frustration, and sometimes severely so. My husband and I have talked about this and we have agreed that the sensations of frustration are equivalent in magnitude although different in manifestation. I know that ancient people’s recognized this aspect of female sexuality, so perhaps widespread use of contraceptives, known libido suppressors, would account for modern unawareness of this truth for fertile women. Just a thought…
Anyway, I like these threads on honestly dealing with the trials of NFP. Such an encouragement for me.

 

[waywardson]

Thanks for bringing this up wayward son!

I am honestly amazed at how few people are aware of the painful sensations women experience due to sexual frustration. To go for days, or worse, weeks, without an opportunity to go all the way with one’s husband can be sheer torture for the wife, too. Like somehow one’s womb was turned into a lead weight and one’s entire pelvic floor strains under the pressure. Men are not alone in their burden. But as our family size increases or challenges arise in family life, and an uninterrupted period of time for an intimate encounter becomes more rare, we must perservere and remind ourselves this too shall pass (at least for the majority of couples). But really, Catholic people considering the marriage vocation and all Catholic couples already married, we must all finally recognize and acknowledge that women suffer physically from frustration, and sometimes severely so. My husband and I have talked about this and we have agreed that the sensations of frustration are equivalent in magnitude although different in manifestation. I know that ancient people’s recognized this aspect of female sexuality, so perhaps widespread use of contraceptives, known libido suppressors, would account for modern unawareness of this truth for fertile women. Just a thought…
Anyway, I like these threads on honestly dealing with the trials of NFP. Such an encouragement for me.

It used to be recognized as the medical ailment of “hysteria” until slightly over 100 years ago. Common problem among virgins and religious women. Google “female hysteria” for the disease and cure.

Of course, this does create an interesting question: If it was perfectly morally acceptable for a good religious sister to get a hysteria treatment now and then a 150 years ago, why is doing the exact same thing now morally unacceptable simply because medicine sees the problem differently. I think that this unawareness of the truth is not because of contraceptives but because of “home remedies”.

Given this historical problem, the historical view of the problem, and its historical remedy, I do wonder just how much of the Church’s teachings were to apply to women in the same way as men. (Not dissenting, just questioning.) Especially considering the proven biological differences between the sexes. Stimulation to climax does not cause the same biological problems for women as it does for men and some say it is genuinely biologically beneficial.

 

[Kelfa28]

My husband and I are in our fourth month of NFP as a new married couple.
We converted to the faith about 8 months before the wedding.

Interestingly enough…we were already pregnant at that time and I had only just stopped using ABC about 8 months prior to that…with zero intention of ever going on it again…despite knowing nothing about the church’s stand on contraception.

It’s amazing how God designed the human body to work.

Abstaining during those fertile days is near torturous and I’ve found myself having to trot to confession far more often then I ever expected to. It’s tough to keep desire from turning into lust sometimes.

It’s hard because I know I’m fertile…the chart and all the signs are telling me I am…and it makes that feeling to want to jump my husband that much more intense.

Unfortunately we feel we have very just reasons to space children.

 

[waywardson]

My husband and I are in our fourth month of NFP as a new married couple.
We converted to the faith about 8 months before the wedding.

Interestingly enough…we were already pregnant at that time and I had only just stopped using ABC about 8 months prior to that…with zero intention of ever going on it again…despite knowing nothing about the church’s stand on contraception.

It’s amazing how God designed the human body to work.

Abstaining during those fertile days is near torturous and I’ve found myself having to trot to confession far more often then I ever expected to. It’s tough to keep desire from turning into lust sometimes.

It’s hard because I know I’m fertile…the chart and all the signs are telling me I am…and it makes that feeling to want to jump my husband that much more intense.

Unfortunately we feel we have very just reasons to space children.

I am of the opinion that if the fertile period reminds you to go to confession once a month, then that is one of the benefits. It reminds us of our human weaknesses and sometimes our weaknesses cause us to fail. “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Abstinence is a challenge and can be extremely difficult. The difficulty teaches self-discipline. That being said, couples should never put the discipline of chastity before their obligation to charity. In other words, don’t commit five sins in your effort to avoid one.

 

[ryecroft]

The tone does indeed matter.

If it works for that couple they’re the one’s that have to hear it. If you don’t like it don’t use it but we used that exact phrase “do you want me to wind up pregnant?” or “you really want a kid because we couldn’t wait 2 more days?” This tone actually helped for us because it made it very blunt and in our faces - made us realize ‘hey if we give in we’re going to wind up pregnant and we don’t want that right now’ - this tone can actually be very helpful! (and yes the answer could wind up being yes but it doesn’t sound like that’s what we’re looking for)
To me saying something like ‘what if we got a baby out of this’ makes it sound like you’re looking for an affirmative - if you’re using NFP to put off kids, I wouldn’t go with that version of the question! In fact I would go with something as harsh as ‘you willing to take on the responsibility of a child so we can make love?’
God Bless
Rye

 

[ryecroft]

There was no judgement. You are reading into things.
It is odd that you are reacting this way. Nobody forced you to post. In fact this thread is specifically asking men. Anyone should feel guilt about a sin in the past. It is probably best if you stop advising others on this matter. For your peace and theirs.

I don’t believe Gwen was advising at all just telling her story -
God Bless
Rye

 

[maryjk]

My chart is taped to the bathroom mirror.

There aren’t any secrets.

With serious reasons to avoid, it doesn’t take much to settle for some popcorn and a movie.

 

[Moore11]

If it works for that couple they’re the one’s that have to hear it. If you don’t like it don’t use it but we used that exact phrase “do you want me to wind up pregnant?” or “you really want a kid because we couldn’t wait 2 more days?” This tone actually helped for us because it made it very blunt and in our faces - made us realize ‘hey if we give in we’re going to wind up pregnant and we don’t want that right now’ - this tone can actually be very helpful! (and yes the answer could wind up being yes but it doesn’t sound like that’s what we’re looking for)
To me saying something like ‘what if we got a baby out of this’ makes it sound like you’re looking for an affirmative - if you’re using NFP to put off kids, I wouldn’t go with that version of the question! In fact I would go with something as harsh as ‘you willing to take on the responsibility of a child so we can make love?’
God Bless
Rye

Which opens up the can of worms: What are serous reasons to avoid? And that is a whole other argument.
I just dont know how open to life "do you want another “kid” sounds.

 

[Moore11]

I don’t believe Gwen was advising at all just telling her story -
God Bless
Rye

Which obviously was distressing her.

 

[ryecroft]

Which opens up the can of worms: What are serous reasons to avoid? And that is a whole other argument.
I just dont know how open to life "do you want another “kid” sounds.

To me it doesn’t matter how it sounds - if using that type of terminology will bring my husband or myself back to reality - we know we’re fertils - we have reasons we don’t want kids -it;s actually a very good mood deterant - really kills the mood/desire which is the objective (for us and some of our friends as well that we have joked with this about)- it’s hard to have a meaningful sexual encounter if you’re worried what your doing is going toproduce a child when you don’t want one (for whatever reason)- I think it’s a great tool!
God Bless
Rye

and as far as ‘serious’ reasons - luckily the Church left that up to us to decide (did give some examples but luckily none of the ‘only if you have an illness that could be made worse by getting pregnant - that’s the only reason you may use NFP’ - luckily they went farther to tell us that we should pray about our reason to know if it is a serious one-so it’s pretty objective- so if we decide it’s a serious reason 'nuff said.

 

[Moore11]

To me it doesn’t matter how it sounds - if using that type of terminology will bring my husband or myself back to reality - we know we’re fertils - we have reasons we don’t want kids -it;s actually a very good mood deterant - really kills the mood/desire which is the objective (for us and some of our friends as well that we have joked with this about)- it’s hard to have a meaningful sexual encounter if you’re worried what your doing is going toproduce a child when you don’t want one (for whatever reason)- I think it’s a great tool!
God Bless
Rye

and as far as ‘serious’ reasons - luckily the Church left that up to us to decide (did give some examples but luckily none of the ‘only if you have an illness that could be made worse by getting pregnant - that’s the only reason you may use NFP’ - luckily they went farther to tell us that we should pray about our reason to know if it is a serious one-so it’s pretty objective- so if we decide it’s a serious reason 'nuff said.

Yup to each their own. It sure is a personal issue.
My OPINION is that tons of people abuse the “just reasons” clause. But it would be unfair of me to accuse you of that when I know nothing of your situation. So I want to be clear that I am not accusing you of anything.

You tell how you do it in your family and I tell how we do it in ours. We dont use the same type of blunt language you do and we could have different criteria for spacing. And we are both free to have the positions we do.

 

[system]

The truth about NPF…

godlessbastard.com/nfp