Menopausal MIL making me pull my hair out!

[FullOfThought]

I know there are lots of inlaw threads here, but I couldn’t find one to help with this situation.

My MIL is going through menopause and is a nightmare! She suddenly snaps, yells at everyone, insults and tells us everything we do is wrong… from how high we hang our pictures… to food we eat! (We’re actually extremely healthy and she’s overweight which is kind of ironic!)

My hubby and I have a great relationship, crazy in love (newlyweds ), pray together EVERY day and we feel that her menopause is causing strain on our relationship!

She is a wonderful person, and raised two great children but I want to lock her in a closet and run away!! My mother is still a long time away from menopause and so I’ve had no experience with it before!! Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated!!

 

[EasterJoy]

Menopause is not a form of temporary insanity. Besides, the behavior you are describing comes from all sorts of MILs, not just menopausal ones. First off, then, I would not accept menopause as an excuse for her lack of self-control. She’s being rude and she’s giving herself permission to overstep her authority, that’s all there is to it.

You can pass over her irritable moods, that would be kind, but if she crosses a boundary, you’re going to have to speak up. Most married couples find it is best if the adult child puts the boundaries on for his or her own parents, in defense of spouse and children. If the adult child won’t do it, though, sometimes the SIL or DIL has to.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Move farther away?



Has she actually told you she’s in menopause? That would be rather personal…But some people are like that, over-candid or whatever.

Pray for her, try to be sensible and polite, and limit contact when she is on a rampage.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

 

[FullOfThought]

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Putting this on my fridge!! Thank you!

Yes she told me! I am in training to be a doula, and somehow it came up!!!

It makes me feel awful to want to avoid her!! I feel so sorry for my FIL!

 

[1ke]

Menopause is not a form of temporary insanity.

A few years ago, I would have agreed with you.

But, now that I am having peri-menopause symptoms, I have to disagree to an extent. It isn’t really menopause, but peri-menopause, where the hormones start going nutty and sometimes with wild mood swings and all sorts of strangeness.

 

[FullOfThought]

A few years ago, I would have agreed with you.

But, now that I am having peri-menopause symptoms, I have to disagree to an extent. It isn’t really menopause, but peri-menopause, where the hormones start going nutty and sometimes with wild mood swings and all sorts of strangeness.

Hope you don’t mind this question, please feel free to ignore me if you wish… - Are you aware of your behavior during these ‘episodes’? If your DIL or son told you to ‘mind your own business’ during these times, how do you think you’d react? Thank you!! (sorry if it’s too personal!)

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

A few years ago, I would have agreed with you.

But, now that I am having peri-menopause symptoms, I have to disagree to an extent. It isn’t really menopause, but peri-menopause, where the hormones start going nutty and sometimes with wild mood swings and all sorts of strangeness.

:sad_yes:

The MIL might be overweight due to the hormone fluctuation. Fat produces estrogen and if the ovaries are not producing enough, then the body will tend to hold on to the fat cells.

 

[agnes_therese]

While I’d buy menopause as an excuse for an occasional blow-up/breakdown (having beentheredonethat), it is NO excuse for constant rudeness. If it’s really so bad that she literally cannot control herself, she needs medical help. Otherwise, she needs to exercise a little self-control.

 

[1ke]

Hope you don’t mind this question, please feel free to ignore me if you wish… - Are you aware of your behavior during these ‘episodes’? If your DIL or son told you to ‘mind your own business’ during these times, how do you think you’d react? Thank you!! (sorry if it’s too personal!)

Sometimes. Like when I am snapping my husband’s head off for some ridiculous reason. Sometimes I catch myself and sometimes it is only in retrospect that I think “what was THAT about???” My husband is awesome and he just ignores it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Putting this on my fridge!! Thank you!

Yes she told me! I am in training to be a doula, and somehow it came up!!!

It makes me feel awful to want to avoid her!! I feel so sorry for my FIL!

Well, like the others are saying, there’s a line between being understanding and being a doormat. She can’t just abuse others without some pushback. Sometimes from the inside, one really doesn’t know how obnoxious one is being and it’s good to have a mirror from others who know you.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

My MIL is going through menopause and is a nightmare! She suddenly snaps, yells at everyone, insults and tells us everything we do is wrong… from how high we hang our pictures… to food we eat!

How do you know her behavior is related to menopause?

(We’re actually extremely healthy and she’s overweight which is kind of ironic!)

People who are “overweight” can be “healthy”. Google “HAES” and be amazed.

She is a wonderful person, and raised two great children but I want to lock her in a closet and run away!! My mother is still a long time away from menopause and so I’ve had no experience with it before!! Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated!!

She is a wonderful person, yet you want to lock her in a closet?

Are you living with this woman? If so, you need to find your own house/apartment ASAP. If you are not living with her, limit your contact with her. She can only drive you crazy if you allow her to.

Luna

 

[EasterJoy]

A few years ago, I would have agreed with you.

But, now that I am having peri-menopause symptoms, I have to disagree to an extent. It isn’t really menopause, but peri-menopause, where the hormones start going nutty and sometimes with wild mood swings and all sorts of strangeness.

Me, too. It is a reason, but it is not an excuse. After all, while perimenopause typically lasts 2 to 8 years, it can go on for as long as a decade or even more. That’s a bit long to ask for carte blanche to abuse your newly-married son and his wife.

Other than occasional irritability, which still needs to be apologized for if it is used as an excuse to be ill-mannered, the behavior the OP was describing is simply not acceptable. Two year olds do not deserve to have tantrums, teens do not deserve to be morose and mouthy by turns, and the rest of us do not deserve to give into our bad moods.

Having said that, I would suggest that those of us sailing through life with good health and a sunny disposition give thanks for those blessings. Do not assume it is your doing and do not assume it is going to last forever. Enjoy it while you can!

 

[etmom]

Menopause is the last period, usually only recognized with certainty 12 months after the fact. So you are saying she had her last period 12 months ago, and is suddenly hard to be around? That does not make sense. It is more likely to be potentially perimenopause symptoms, but that’s still a stretch. There could be many causes of her behavior other than the cessation of her fertility, which is very personal. I’d bet you wouldn’t be pleased if she posted on a forum “ovulating daughter in law making me pull my hair out!”

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Menopause is the last period, usually only recognized with certainty 12 months after the fact. So you are saying she had her last period 12 months ago, and is suddenly hard to be around? That does not make sense. It is more likely to be potentially perimenopause symptoms, but that’s still a stretch. There could be many causes of her behavior other than the cessation of her fertility, which is very personal. I’d bet you wouldn’t be pleased if she posted on a forum “ovulating daughter in law making me pull my hair out!”

Thank you, etmom.

 

[maryjk]

Hope you don’t mind this question, please feel free to ignore me if you wish… - Are you aware of your behavior during these ‘episodes’? If your DIL or son told you to ‘mind your own business’ during these times, how do you think you’d react? Thank you!! (sorry if it’s too personal!)

I have no idea that I am being unreasonable.

And they are truly are episodes, they don’t go on and on. Generally it is a single “I’ve lost it.” Then I move on. It is more of a blowing my top, rather than anything that would cause someone to tell me to mind my own business.

Sad thing is, I am normally a very reasonable, understanding and comforting person. When I blow up, my family knows it isn’t normal.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have no idea that I am being unreasonable.

And they are truly are episodes, they don’t go on and on. Generally it is a single “I’ve lost it.” Then I move on. It is more of a blowing my top, rather than anything that would cause someone to tell me to mind my own business.

Sad thing is, I am normally a very reasonable, understanding and comforting person. When I blow up, my family knows it isn’t normal.

This sounds like something where you physically have an issue that interferes with your control once in awhile, you apologize when that happens, and you move on. As long as the person “losing it” doesn’t assume he or she is entitled to abuse the rest of the family when a bad mood sets in, most families can cope with having to be gracious about an occasional mis-step.

 

[Rita77]

premenopause can start as early as mid 30’s and the average age to be done is 50. op for your mother to have a daughter old enough to be married I doubt she isn’t in the premenapause stage yet. it affects all of us differently. most friends, sisters, cousins I know start seeing signs by age 35.

 

[FullOfThought]

How do you know her behavior is related to menopause?

People who are “overweight” can be “healthy”. Google “HAES” and be amazed.

She is a wonderful person, yet you want to lock her in a closet?

Are you living with this woman? If so, you need to find your own house/apartment ASAP. If you are not living with her, limit your contact with her. She can only drive you crazy if you allow her to.

Luna

Heavens no!! We don’t live together!!
Just because she drives me up the wall doesn’t mean she’s not wonderful! We have seen alot of her recently due to lots of early summer birthdays and mothers day.

I assume since she told me she’s recently started menopause and there’s a sudden change in behavior compared to recent years that menopause is the cause of this change.

And she’s overweight because she doesn’t exercise and eats unhealthly. I only mentioned this to show that her rudeness is not constructive or useful, as she is unhealthy and we are extremely health conscious.

Menopause is the last period, usually only recognized with certainty 12 months after the fact. So you are saying she had her last period 12 months ago, and is suddenly hard to be around? That does not make sense. It is more likely to be potentially perimenopause symptoms, but that’s still a stretch. There could be many causes of her behavior other than the cessation of her fertility, which is very personal. I’d bet you wouldn’t be pleased if she posted on a forum “ovulating daughter in law making me pull my hair out!”

I am a bit crazy when I ovulate!

As I said before, she is having extreme fluxuation in hormones and so it would explain her behavior… especially since she has never been like this before.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Having said that, I would suggest that those of us sailing through life with good health and a sunny disposition give thanks for those blessings. Do not assume it is your doing and do not assume it is going to last forever. Enjoy it while you can!

Thank you.

 

[EasterJoy]

She is a wonderful person, yet you want to lock her in a closet?

We have some wonderful but occasionally hormonal teens, and yes, I occasionally feel the desire to lock them (or myself) in a closet. I don’t actually do it, but the thought crosses my mind.

This is just something we’re working through: part their hormones and mine, part the growing pains of their moving on to being adults, which even makes my husband a bit nutty. I wouldn’t trade them for the world, and so far, they say they’re willing to take me, too. Probably the OP is in a family going through much the same thing.

Boundaries are not out of place in a situation like this. Mutual willingness to overlook some unpleasant scenes is not out of place. They’re both essential!