Mental Disorder

[howdytest]

Hey guys. I use to be a frequent poster here, especially in the Apologetics area, but stopped when life, and faith, got difficult. I only mention that because now life and faith are even more difficult, yet I need your opinions. Lets hope i make it brief…

I met this girl. It’s a little cliche to start the story like that, but in the interest of length…And to describe the entire story would take a novel. Lets just say, it was complicated. And by complicated, i mean, i wanted a relationship, she didn’t. After that, i didn’t expect to talk to her again, i even told her to “have a nice life”. Fast forward to now. We’ve been talking and hanging out for awhile. We’ve really gotten to know each other and i can’t help but like her ever the more.

The problem is, this girl really has “personal problems” she wants to settle out before starting a relationship. It seems like once these problems are out of the way, there’s a chance for me to start a relationship with her. However, these problems include self-injury, depression, and suicidal thoughts. (Such problems also affected her late sister). She’s mentioned these things to me before, but not having picked up on them when talking and hanging out, i never gave them a second thought. And for the most part, the cause of it all seems like it’s college. She just can’t handle the stress. Monday was the first day of classes and the first day that (i became aware) she felt like this. Moreso, she tells me she is never happy. Apparently, she has pills to help though.

Because of my strong feelings for her and the way she strung me along for nearly 8 months (i didn’t explain this, just work with me here), i’m tempted to just tell her goodbye. I don’t need a fixer-upper of a relationship. I’m young, i MIGHT be able to find someone better than her without the mental problems. Yet i can’t begin to describe how different she is from the other girls i’ve known. The best part is, she’s a strong Catholic.

She’s not the only girl i’ve been dating, but if she was to tell me she was up for a relationship, i’d drop all the others. At the same time, the way she’s regarded my feelings towards her, essentially “teasing” me (stringing along, toying with me, etc…) is enough for me to move on. But since her mental problems were more than likely the cause of such behavior, i don’t want to take that risk.

So, with all that said, what do i do regarding this mental problem of hers? We’re both 20ish and her parents aren’t really aware of this. I’m tempted to tell her parents, but the only way i have the phone # is because she used my phone to call her parents. Weird and creepy yes, but i think it would be in her best interest.

Also, what’s your take on the whole relationship deal. I’m 20ish, i shouldn’t be looking to commit myself to someone with these problems.

And while i know i was extremely unclear, redundant, and worst of all, long, thank you for reading this. If nothing else, this gave me somewhere to write things down…even if i didn’t get into my feelings much.

Please pray for this girl. She has so much love in her heart, she just can’t seem to find it.

 

[muffinmojo]

However, these problems include self-injury, depression, and suicidal thoughts…for the most part, the cause of it all seems like it’s college.

Self-injury, depression, and suicidal thoughts are not caused by college stress, they are caused by a physical, chemcial condition. She’s not just ‘weak’, she has an imbalance of chemicals that make it hard for her to like herself.

Like, really, really hard.

i’m tempted to just tell her goodbye. I don’t need a fixer-upper of a relationship.

Is she a house, or a person? I don’t mean to sound like I’m attacking you, btw.

If you go into a relationship looking for what you need, you are looking for the wrong type of relationship. Either you love her, and will accordingly give yourself for her, providing whatever she needs from you, or you don’t. That’s your choice, and it has to be made by you.

I’m young, i MIGHT be able to find someone better than her without the mental problems.

Your terminology seems to me to be revealing a great deal of misplaced intentions or viewpoints… do you really mean you want someone ‘better’?

Yet i can’t begin to describe how different she is from the other girls i’ve known. The best part is, she’s a strong Catholic.
…
She’s not the only girl i’ve been dating, but if she was to tell me she was up for a relationship, i’d drop all the others.

Now that’s the answer, isn’t it? It sounds like you really do care for her, genuinely. You’re just trying to talk yourself out of it. If you know you would drop all competitors to be with this one girl who is ‘so different’, then inside you there is also the strength to endure the frustrating and draining trials of having someone close to you with depression(I know what it’s like).

So, with all that said, what do i do regarding this mental problem of hers? We’re both 20ish and her parents aren’t really aware of this. I’m tempted to tell her parents, but the only way i have the phone # is because she used my phone to call her parents. Weird and creepy yes, but i think it would be in her best interest.

I would try talking to her about it, first. I know it’s a hard conversation to have, but suicidal thoughts and self-injury are too much to ignore because it’s awkward. Just remind her that you’re her friend and you’re talking to her because you care, then say that you think she has a problem and needs to get help(or different help, since you said she has pills). If that doesn’t work, then try calling her parents. Calling her parents, going behind her back, might make things MUCH worse, unless it does lead to her getting help(which it hopefully would).

I’m 20ish, i shouldn’t be looking to commit myself to someone with these problems.

Why? Someone who is also your age with those problems probably needs someone they can identify with. I know it’s not something you would typically go around looking for, but choosing to love is a selfless descision in all circumstances, but especailly in the case of someone who has problems like this.

Hope things work out… Especailly for your friend…depression breaks my heart

Anyway…my two cents, and take into account I’m younger than you, so I’m not speaking from vast life experience, though my best friend in the world is/was(mostly was) depressed for a long time…she got through it though.

 

[choosechrist]

Hi,

From what I read, it seems you are feeling guilty to let this girl go, mainly because you liked her but she treated you unkindly.

If you are uncomfortable you are not obliged to continue being in a relationship because you are not married to her. However, out of Christian charity, you could continue to be her friend and support her.

one thing that strikes me is that she suffers from mental problems, so you could never be certain if her positive or negative feelings stem from her illness or they are really her feelings for you. So I suggest you pray fore her, but remember that if you enter a committed relationship with her, then you will have to be committed for the rest of your life. If you are willing to make that comittement then go right ahead, otherwise spare yourself and this girl the trouble of a heart break.

 

[sing]

However, these problems include self-injury, depression, and suicidal thoughts. (Such problems also affected her late sister). She’s mentioned these things to me before, but not having picked up on them when talking and hanging out, i never gave them a second thought. And for the most part, the cause of it all seems like it’s college.

These are severe problems that she might not even understand. If her sister also had the same problems(you make it sound like the sister killed herself, is this what happened?), then its very likely that her upbringing and specifically her parents are somewhat to blame. AKA, deep seated problems that have been bouncing around for years. I’ve been there, done that, got the innumerable scars to prove it.

If you don’t feel like you should be dealing with her problems, then please, for her sake, leave her alone. She doesn’t need someone like that in her life. Do not go to her parents, she’s an adult and deserves to be treated like one. If you legitimately care for her, talk to her. Ask if she is in therapy, and if she isn’t, encourage her to do so. Most colleges have free counselors that students can see. Pills are usually not enough to deal with the type of trauma that causes self-injury. This might not be the best time for a romantic relationship, though, especially since you seem to harbor some resentment towards her.

 

[Danuska]

For one thing, I would not talk to her parents without her consent, she is at the age that it might not do much good to her, she needs the support, but do you know exactly how things are in her family?

Second, depression might be a result of some inner wounds, and I remember once speaking to a priest who has PhD in psychology and works as a counsellor in Germany, that 80 per cent of depression cases result from some inner wounds, traumatic experiences etc, that happened during the first five years of life - it could be even the lack of love and neglect during those years that later can lead to depression.

Another thing, you do not have to commite now, but you surely can be her friend, she might be having some problems with relating to poeple, you say that she is toying with you - that could be because she is afraid to let you get too close to her, poeple who suffer from depression often have this kind of problem - I know that you might feel hurt, but she might be just building some kind of protective shield.

So I would say, do not give up on her as a friend.

She needs support and friendship, and you can help her a lot. As for more serious relationship, you still have time- it might be really too tough for you in the future, and I cannot encourage you to go for that , but I will not discourage you either.

And lastly, depression is curable… she does not have to have this problem throughout the whole life. I had depression, and only now I think that it was quite bad, I had suicidal thoughts and all, and although I might not be 100 per cent over it, but I am now some 80 per cent recovered.

Btw, do you have any chance to look for for inner healing retreats? Or Healing Masses? Take her to these. Look for some literature on the subject as well, if you go to Catholic bookstores, you would be surprised how much good stuff is there which addressses both psychological and spiritual problems.

Take a look around. At the same time, encourage her to see seek professional help as well. Anti-depressants only work as pain-killers, and they will not help take in the longer run, it has to be accompanied by a therapy which will help to change the way of thinking - i think that negative thoughts trigger depression, so you are becoming more and more depressed.

 

[1ke]

She is not in a state to be in a romantic relationship, and might never be.

Mental illness is nothing to fool around with. Remember, dating is to discern marriage. Marriage requires the ability to give consent. Someone with serious depression and untreated mental issues may not be able to do so.

It’s not a situation I would knowingly put myself in. Friendship, yes. Dating, no.

 

[meganfae]

I do not mean to sound harsh, but she doesn’t deserve the kind of treatment you are talking about. You talk about her as if she were an object. Sweetie, that’s not love. I am not convinced that you love her. A person suffering from depression needs the love of their family. I know, I suffer from depression and severe anxiety disorder do to abuse in my teen year and the loss of a child a year and a half ago.
Be a gentle friend…but if you don’t think you have the love for her to be able to handle her depression (and I really do not mean that to be mean, sometimes people just don’t have that love to give), you should not marry her. Not just for yourself, but for her.
Please *please *pray for her. Depression is real and it is DEEP.

 

[howdytest]

Thanks everyone for your help so far.

If you don’t feel like you should be dealing with her problems, then please, for her sake, leave her alone.

We are still friends. One way or the other, i’m dealing with her problems. I’m the one listening to her say things like “i’m just doing what i have to until i die”. They’re not pleasant conversations and more often than not, i get depressed just from listening. My main concern is whether or not a relationship, now or later, is advised. The whole “there are plenty of fish in the sea” sayings and such. Do i truly care for her as much i think, or am i just convincing myself i do? Love vs. infatuation.

Also, she seems unwilling to help herself. That’s why telling her parents came up. She lives with her parents, but hasn’t told them much of anything. After doing some reading on depression, it seems more than possible that, with help, she can overcome it. However, she doesn’t seem to want to help herself or help from others.

Danuska, the sister killed herself at the age of 19 when my friend was 3. So your comment really seemed to hit the nail on the head. I’m also quite concerned that she’s worried about the cost of therapy. Do you have any suggestions as to how to bring up therapy? And since she is so unwilling to seek help, do you know of anything i can say to persuade her? Also, if you don’t mind me asking, how long did it take you to recover?

 

[1ke]

We are still friends. One way or the other, i’m dealing with her problems. I’m the one listening to her say things like “i’m just doing what i have to until i die”. They’re not pleasant conversations and more often than not, i get depressed just from listening.

You cannot be responsible for her mental health.

She needs professional help.

My main concern is whether or not a relationship, now or later, is advised.

No. It’s not advised.

Also, she seems unwilling to help herself. That’s why telling her parents came up. She lives with her parents, but hasn’t told them much of anything. After doing some reading on depression, it seems more than possible that, with help, she can overcome it. However, she doesn’t seem to want to help herself or help from others.

I’d tell her parents that I had noticed signs of serious depression and that she had been making suicidal comments. They need to know.

 

[duskyjewel]

Many many cutters have a past that includes sexual abuse. Especially when their parents try to “protect the family” by not prosecuting. I have no way to know if that is what happened, but I do know the facts of what I have read. So her parents may not be the best choice. Go to your college’s mental health services and tell them what is going on, with no names. Ask how best you should approach this girl, and if you can try to get her into counseling there, at the college. This is why they have those offices… many times these problems stay hidden until people go to college and don’t have family closing ranks around them anymore.

If her parents really are unaware of all this… shame on them. People don’t get to be cutters overnight, she would have had to have been on this track for YEARS.

The best thing you can do to help her is not to even consider anything about having a relationship with her right now, but what you can do to get her the help she needs to get healthy. Please do contact the mental health office at your college.

 

[ironman62292]

Those disorders you mentioned about her are very serious. I would suggest that you remain her friend for the time being and not be to hasty in getting yourself into something life long so soon. I really think it’s important as a friend to kinda talk with her about what bother’s her. You can help her kinda get through these things. That in itself will not only help her but in the process you both may become closer together. But I highly recommend she get’s professional help. You can help too, but as support, let the professional handle things. Trust God, he’ll help you help her. Pray a lot, pray for her that she stays true to her Catholic faith by not giving into such things that plague her. Pray and ask for Mary’s help, she’ll help you.

 

[KathyB11]

eek…this hit’s a nerve with me…when i was 18 i started having severe panic attacks etc…it was ruining my life…i was in love with a great guy when this started but my attacks only got worse…way worse…i was young and not too smart and we got married …we were married for ten years and most of them bad due to my illness…he couldn’t take it anymore, but i did not have a choice…he ending up despising me…i guess because i was no fun and sick…the marrage ended… that was MANY years ago and i am remarried and fine and have a fine and HAPPY life…your friend needs to get help…it does not have to be that way…hope i helped… ps long ago i WAS that girl, just with a different disorder…

 

[Ray_Scheel]

I’m going to ditto 1ke, with the expansion that I waited on a girl with issues to get to the point of wanting a relationship only to discover much too late that she didn’t want a marriage but a way to control someone who felt an obligation to take care of her no matter what.

You do not want (ever, in any way, shape, or form) to get romantically involved with someone who by your own description has mental issues that present a barrier to her capability of giving consent to marriage. Be a friend to the extent you can, but your attraction to her is likely to cloud your judgment even there. Try to get her hooked up with counseling on campus, but otherwise try to limit your time with her so you can get your head straight and look at options available to you as far as dating that are more likely to be ready to consider forging a life partnership with you…

 

[howdytest]

Thanks everyone. For the record, i’m not trying to take her mental health into my hands, i don’t understand how you got that. I’m trying to help her and be there for her. And after everyone’s comments, it’s obvious i need to bring up professional help with her. It’s also a little disheartening to hear opinions on the relationship idea. But i’m young and i guess i just got my hopes up with this girl when all these things came to light.

Thanks.

 

[chevalier]

Please talk to the right people, the mental professionals, as others have advised. I once had a relationship of 9 months with a girl with some disorders. There was a lot of pain. I wouldn’t like to go into details. At any rate, you don’t know what really is her mind and to what extent she directs her actions herself.

And yes, I’m a bit worried by “better than her”… It does feel like you’re wondering if you couldn’t find someone better for you, which might mean the relationship isn’t as deep as you think, except you don’t have a scale to compare it. At any rate, go to the mental health people.

 

[howdytest]

And yes, I’m a bit worried by “better than her”… It does feel like you’re wondering if you couldn’t find someone better for you, which might mean the relationship isn’t as deep as you think, except you don’t have a scale to compare it

I’ve dated plenty of girls. Most of them never lived up to my standards. This girl is the one that did meet my standards. Between her personality, her looks, and her faith, she was the entire package. So yes, i am worried about finding better. She was better than any girl i’ve known thus far, minus these mental problems. But as advised, a relationship isn’t a good idea. So what else do i have to hope for other than finding someone better than her?

I can only hope that her problems are resolved quickly and possibly then a relationship might be an option. Or that i meet another girl who is better. I don’t have much confidence in either of the 2 scenarios.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Honestly, I’m surprised that her parents haven’t taken steps to help her. She had an older sister who committed suicide. Depression issues are very genetic and I’m just shocked mom and dad aren’t able to pick up on the obvious signs she must be showing (especially if she’s living at home)… mom and dad need a clue!
I wonder if the parents are, in any way, contributing to her lack of desire to seek help. Are they against medical treatment of depression issues? (some people have a difficult time viewing depression as truly a MEDICAL issue… blame it on other things, etc)…
I would encourage her to seek MEDICAL attention… not JUST counseling (although that definitely needs to be part of her total therapy). You mention she has “pills”… these seem to not be working… she needs to see a doctor and get things adjusted correctly.

As for your relationship… God may have placed you in her life to help her. Whether or not that leads to anything else isn’t relevant to her need for help. I would first focus on helping her… keep your feelings at bay and simply support her as a friend. No, she’s not your “responsibility”, per se, but God may have placed you in her life for a reason. Pray for her.

 

[Ray_Scheel]

Howdytest:

It does hurt to see someone with a lot to offer that has such a severe barrier to being in a position to marry at all. I still get frustrated occasionally that my ex (with whom I share two children of which I have primary custody) has let so much of what she was capable of waste away. I hope you can convince your friend to start counseling and really work on her issues so that she might be healed enough by the time she graduates to be ready for life in general.

 

[chevalier]

I’ve dated plenty of girls. Most of them never lived up to my standards. This girl is the one that did meet my standards. Between her personality, her looks, and her faith, she was the entire package. So yes, i am worried about finding better. She was better than any girl i’ve known thus far, minus these mental problems. But as advised, a relationship isn’t a good idea. So what else do i have to hope for other than finding someone better than her?

I can only hope that her problems are resolved quickly and possibly then a relationship might be an option. Or that i meet another girl who is better. I don’t have much confidence in either of the 2 scenarios.

Are you looking for the best girl for you, or just the best girl? If you want to land the best catch you can get, it’s counterproductive. Grass is always greener on the other side. Now if you think about, say, someone more compatible, more fun to be with, in better accord with your values, that’s a different thing altogether, although even that doesn’t mark a woman as your right one. I think if you find her, you will know. Do you have any special feelings for this one, other than being a good friend and a good catch in some ways?

No offence, but it does look a bit like you assume you deserve the best and you need to get it quick enough. Haste is a bad advisor and better or worse is not relevant when you meet the right woman. Also, you will then want to be with her, give to her, not really calculating what you get out of the deal. So far it’d be a marriage of convenience, it seems.

 

[Ruthie]

It’s not impossible to have a relationship with a victim of depression.

I met my husband when I was very deeply depressed. He hung around, helped me out, became my friend, and finally became my husband.

He took me for better or worse, knowing about my depression. He is there for me, and is patient when my disease interferes with our life together. He takes over the cooking and laundry when I’m too low to do them.

He is also my watchdog, so to speak. He tells me when he thinks I need a change in treatment, and I listen. Whenever I start a new med I tell him, so he can watch for changes I can’t see.

So, Howdytest, the real question for you is, do you love this girl enough to do that kind of thing for her? If you do, then maybe there’s hope for dating her. If not, be her friend, get her help, and keep looking.

Ruthie