J
jesusalright4me
Guest
Hey guys! So I’ll try to keep it brief.
So, for awhile now, I have been grappling with my faith. I can’t quite pin down where it started. I was on fire with my faith the last few years of high school. It was great! I then went to a college with a great Newman Center. I still go there now, and I can say that, at the end of the last school year, my faith was great. I prayed much, and even when I didn’t feel God near, I knew he was objectively there. However, at the time, a lot of arguments against the faith began to take hold in my head, and though I would brush them to the side, they kept resurfacing, seeming stronger and more convincing, though I knew good counterarguments to them all.
Fast forward to now. Well, I’m in a bit of a crisis of faith/exestintial crisis, and out of nowhere just a few weeks ago I am showing signs of depression, anxiety, and, well, suicide. Now, I don’t want to, but the thoughts…I just can’t get rid of them. Couple that with this doubt in my faith that I have. I wonder if God exists, how the Catholic faith can be the one true faith, if the Sacraments (specifically the Eucharist) are truly inward signs of outward grace. I wonder if life has meaning, and why God would place us hear on earth. It sounds dark, but I begin to think that if heaven exists, it would make sense why people would commit suicide. Of course, we believe that such a thing is a sin, but how can one be blamed for wanting to go strait to God?
I know answers to each of these arguments, and my mind feels like a broken record, constantly replaying the counterarguments to them in my head, making my faith become redundant. The arguments against the faith themselves discourage me and make me sad. Some nights I pray and believe God is there, others I pray and doubt he’s there.
I told my family already, thank goodness. They were supporting and loving, but we had a disagreement when it comes to faith. When I told them, I tried to put into words my crisis of faith. My parents told me that I need to not focus so much on faith. I had a hard time explaining to them my dead prayer life, and I couldn’t put into words my doubt in God’s existence because I didn’t want to admit it to them or myself. I finally said I should probably see a priest, and they said not to, and that he would simply be overly positive, telling me to simply “pray it off!” They think that I should see a counselor (I agree), but only a counselor rather than a religious leader. They seem to think I have overloaded myself on religion, and my mind is telling me to back off.
Now, I am seeing a counselor, as I do believe this is psychological as well as spiritual. I am seeing the on campus one because of cheapness. I considered asking my parents if I could go to a Catholic psychologist, but I just don’t think they understand my struggle in faith. Their idea of God seems to be more progressive. They don’t place the same value in the Sacraments and in a developed prayer life as I do, and think I just need to loosen up.
I’m also discerning priesthood, though I know it would not be wise to enter seminary at this time. I find the idea of saving souls through the Sacraments and ministry of the priest to be an awesome idea, but at the time my faith is weak, and my psychological state downtrodden. I WANT to believe, and WANT to be where I used to be, just don’t know where to start. Life in general seems redundant, and it often feels like I’m putting on a happy face in front of my friends.
I will be meeting with a trained and (I pressume) non Catholic psychologist next week, and, against my parents advice, a trusted priest as well for my spiritual matters. Any advice, or comments? If not, just please pray for me.
So, for awhile now, I have been grappling with my faith. I can’t quite pin down where it started. I was on fire with my faith the last few years of high school. It was great! I then went to a college with a great Newman Center. I still go there now, and I can say that, at the end of the last school year, my faith was great. I prayed much, and even when I didn’t feel God near, I knew he was objectively there. However, at the time, a lot of arguments against the faith began to take hold in my head, and though I would brush them to the side, they kept resurfacing, seeming stronger and more convincing, though I knew good counterarguments to them all.
Fast forward to now. Well, I’m in a bit of a crisis of faith/exestintial crisis, and out of nowhere just a few weeks ago I am showing signs of depression, anxiety, and, well, suicide. Now, I don’t want to, but the thoughts…I just can’t get rid of them. Couple that with this doubt in my faith that I have. I wonder if God exists, how the Catholic faith can be the one true faith, if the Sacraments (specifically the Eucharist) are truly inward signs of outward grace. I wonder if life has meaning, and why God would place us hear on earth. It sounds dark, but I begin to think that if heaven exists, it would make sense why people would commit suicide. Of course, we believe that such a thing is a sin, but how can one be blamed for wanting to go strait to God?
I know answers to each of these arguments, and my mind feels like a broken record, constantly replaying the counterarguments to them in my head, making my faith become redundant. The arguments against the faith themselves discourage me and make me sad. Some nights I pray and believe God is there, others I pray and doubt he’s there.
I told my family already, thank goodness. They were supporting and loving, but we had a disagreement when it comes to faith. When I told them, I tried to put into words my crisis of faith. My parents told me that I need to not focus so much on faith. I had a hard time explaining to them my dead prayer life, and I couldn’t put into words my doubt in God’s existence because I didn’t want to admit it to them or myself. I finally said I should probably see a priest, and they said not to, and that he would simply be overly positive, telling me to simply “pray it off!” They think that I should see a counselor (I agree), but only a counselor rather than a religious leader. They seem to think I have overloaded myself on religion, and my mind is telling me to back off.
Now, I am seeing a counselor, as I do believe this is psychological as well as spiritual. I am seeing the on campus one because of cheapness. I considered asking my parents if I could go to a Catholic psychologist, but I just don’t think they understand my struggle in faith. Their idea of God seems to be more progressive. They don’t place the same value in the Sacraments and in a developed prayer life as I do, and think I just need to loosen up.
I’m also discerning priesthood, though I know it would not be wise to enter seminary at this time. I find the idea of saving souls through the Sacraments and ministry of the priest to be an awesome idea, but at the time my faith is weak, and my psychological state downtrodden. I WANT to believe, and WANT to be where I used to be, just don’t know where to start. Life in general seems redundant, and it often feels like I’m putting on a happy face in front of my friends.
I will be meeting with a trained and (I pressume) non Catholic psychologist next week, and, against my parents advice, a trusted priest as well for my spiritual matters. Any advice, or comments? If not, just please pray for me.
