Mental illness difficulties

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Prolife_Nurse

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I apologize if this is in the wrong section- I’m really not sure where it belongs.
The problem is that I need help with a question and I suspect that this is the only place I’ll be able to get it.
I have been experiencing symptoms of clinical depression and severe anxiety for at least the past 7 years, and I only managed to seek treatment a few months ago. I have been unemployed since March due to my condition. Treatment has only helped slightly thus far, and I am nowhere near the point where I could actually be considered functional for society. I am extremely reluctant to post my personal information but I just can’t figure this out on my own.

Today has been extremely rough for me because I gained a job interview for a position that will be a bad fit for me, but I’ve been out of work for so long that I’m probably going to have to take it. I don’t mind helping people but I’m so exhausted that I can barely accomplish two things on any given day, despite the size of my to-do list. My brain is so scrambled that I can’t retain any knowledge without pages and pages of references and notes. Then I was wandering around on the internet and I keep bumping into all this writing about “We have to love everyone else, we have to put everyone else ahead of ourselves, we can’t be selfish, God loves you so much but if you’re not helping other people all the time then you’re a bad person”, blah blah blah etc.
The honest truth is that I hate myself. I have for years. I try my best to take care of everyone else because I’m supposed to, but I can’t bring myself to give a damn about most of them. I hate being around other people, especially at work because they’ll expect me to help them and I just don’t have the ability to. I feel completely worthless all the time because I’m of no use to anyone. I’ve been told it thousands of times, but I don’t believe that God loves me or that I have any intrinsic value. It’s as if I don’t matter if I’m not being useful and doing what he wants me to do. I don’t even know what that is anymore!! I can’t care about other people and I’m so worried that I’m going to be miserable my entire life and then get thrown in hell and I’ll never have any idea what even being content feels like. It’s horrid. I would very much appreciate any advice anyone might have.

Just one thing- please don’t tell me to pray because it doesn’t make any difference. It makes me even more anxious because I don’t feel anything while I’m doing it, so I’m doing it wrong or I’m just saying the words and they don’t have any meaning anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I’m really sorry for having to bother you guys with this. 😦
 
Christine85 said:
Live in the present moment and try and learn to trust God. Read Abandonment to Divine Providence and this - carmelnet.org/larkin/larkin017.pdf
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Thank you for the reply. I’ll try reading it to see what it says. I always seem to embarrass myself when I’m in a panic, which unfortunately gives no warning when it’s going to strike. I think what I was trying to say before is that I feel as if there are too many requirements for me to fulfill and I don’t feel capable of accomplishing even one of them. It’s very taxing on the mind.
 
Prolife_Nurse said:
Just one thing- please don’t tell me to pray because it doesn’t make any difference. . 😦
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I will not ask you to pray if it makes you so anxious, but please know that I will be praying for you. I don’t have any advice for you, but I will be praying that a loving and merciful God grant you comfort and relief from your symptoms.
 
Hello ProlifeNurse,
As I was reading your post I was thinking of a quote from Mark’s gospel: “Lord,I believe; help my unbelief.”
It just seemed to fit with your decision to post here on CAF, your hesitation as you contemplated prayer and felt that it was not working for you, and your sense that what you were going through wuld resonate with and matter to other posters.
May God bless you. It seems to me that caring for your health is so important, especially at this time. I hope that you can lay some of that high expectations burden you have been laboring under at the feet of Our Lord. We do what we can for each other, and sometimes saying “that is more than I can do right now” is so difficult, but it sounds as if you (and, perhaps in the long run, those you care for) will benefit from a bit of time taken to recharge your battery.
Interviews for jobs that aren’t quite right can be a great way to practice your interviewing skills for the day that just the right job opportunity comes along.
If you are having a panic attack or staggering under a big cloud of depression calling 211 might prove helpful. Your anonymity will be protected and the people who will be there for you will be able to offer support at a higher professional level that someone like myself.
On the other hand, this forum is full of prayer warriors and I’m sure that many will be happy to pray for you. You can put in a prayer request on the prayer forum and wake up each morning remembering that your CAF family is pulling for you.
May Our Lord guide and guard you through this difficult time. Amen.
 
And, please be aware that the Lord loves you unconditionally, and with an infinite love!
 
Prolife_Nurse said:
Today has been extremely rough for me because I gained a job interview for a position that will be a bad fit for me, but I’ve been out of work for so long that I’m probably going to have to take it. I don’t mind helping people but I’m so exhausted that I can barely accomplish two things on any given day, despite the size of my to-do list. My brain is so scrambled that I can’t retain any knowledge without pages and pages of references and notes. Then I was wandering around on the internet and I keep bumping into all this writing about “We have to love everyone else, we have to put everyone else ahead of ourselves, we can’t be selfish, God loves you so much but if you’re not helping other people all the time then you’re a bad person”, blah blah blah etc.
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I always say the worst thing about depression is how guilty you feel for being depressed.

Okay. From what you are saying, I think it’s not very likely you can take this job and keep it. But… OTOH, having some forced structure in your life of going to the job, or a job, might be useful. So, you go to the interview. If you get hired, the worst that can happen is you end up back where you are now.

BTW, are you getting any assistance? Have you thought about filing for temporary disability which is a lot easier to get than permanent?

Do you feel your medical care is adequate? Have you let your doctor know you are not getting much better?

It’s hard to fight for yourself when you don’t really care if you die or not. Hard to be this tired and even think about doing anything positive for yourself.

I understand self-loathing. I actually had some idiot shrink one time assure me it was impossible to hate yourself. Uh-HUH. Moron.

Anyway, pretty sure you, like so many who have been there, actually have quite a lot of rage at someone *not *you. That’s for the long haul. Until then, go to the interview, then insist on a reassessment of your meds. Know that you aren’t alone in how you feel. And, you don’t get to kill yourself. Sorry, if I had to go through hell all alone and find out how much joy there is on the other side, you can’t quit, either. Too bad for youse! 😉 Staying alive is required!

Also, there are mental health forums where I promise you no is going to tell you to “buck up” or “stop being selfish” or any of that dreck.

Oh yeah. Get a shingles vaccination if you have not. Kinda goes with the extreme stress territory.

Come back, keep us informed. We’ll do the praying for you.
 
CHAPTER 22 - On Human Misery
WHEREVER you are and wherever you turn, you will not find happiness until you turn to God. Why are you so distressed when events do not turn out as you wish and hope? Is there anyone who enjoys everything as he wishes? Neither you, nor I, nor anyone else on earth. There is no one in the world without trouble or anxiety, be he King or Pope. Whose, then, is the happiest lot? Surely, he who is able to suffer for love of God.
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Many weak and foolish people, say, “See what a good life that man enjoys! He is so rich, so great, so powerful, so distinguished!” But raise your eyes to the riches of Heaven, and you will see that all the riches of this world are as nothing. All are uncertain and even burdensome, for they are never enjoyed without some anxiety or fear. The happiness of man does not consist in abundance of this world’s goods, for a modest share is sufficient for him. The more spiritual a man desires to become, the more bitter does this present life grow for him, for he sees and realizes more clearly the defects and corruptions of human nature. For to eat and drink, to wake and sleep, to rest and labour, and to be subject to all the necessities of nature is a great trouble and affliction to the devout man, who would rather be released and set free from all sin.

The inner life of man is greatly hindered in this life by the needs of the body. Thus, the Prophet devoutly prays that he may be set free from them, saying, “Lord, deliver me from my necessities!” Woe to those who refuse to recognize their own wretchedness, and doubly woe to those who love this miserable and corruptible life! For some cling so closely to it, that although by working or begging they can hardly win the bare necessities, they would yet be willing to live here for ever if it were possible, caring nothing for the Kingdom of God.
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How crazy and lacking in faith are such people, who are so deeply engrossed in earthly affairs that they care for nothing but material things! These unhappy wretches will at length know to their sorrow how vile and worthless were the things that they loved. But the Saints of God and all the devoted friends of Christ paid little heed to bodily pleasures, nor to prosperity in this life, for all their hopes and aims were directed towards those good things that are eternal. Their whole desire raised them upward to things eternal and invisible, so that the love of things visible could not drag them down. My brother, do not lose hope of progress in the spiritual life; you have still time and opportunity.
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Why put off your good resolution? Rise and begin this very moment, and say, “Now is the time to be up and doing; now is the time to fight; now is the time to amend.” When things go badly and you are in trouble, then is the time to win merit. You must pass through fire and water, before you can come into the place of rest. You will never overcome your vices, unless you discipline yourself severely. For so long as we wear this frail body, we cannot be without sin, nor can we live without weariness and sorrow. We would gladly be free from all troubles; but since we have lost our innocence through sin, we have also lost true happiness. We must therefore have patience, and wait for God’s mercy, until this wickedness pass away, and death be swallowed up in life.
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How great is the frailty of man, ever prone to evil! Today you confess your sins; tomorrow you again commit the very sins you have confessed! Now you resolve to guard against them, and within the hour you act as though you had never made any resolution! Remembering, then, our weakness and instability, it is proper to humble ourselves, and never to have a high opinion of ourselves. For we can easily lose by carelessness that which by God’s grace and our own efforts we had hardly won.
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What will become of us in the end if our zeal so quickly grows cold? Unhappy our fate, if we rest on our oars as though we had already reached a haven of peace and security, when in fact no sign of holiness is apparent in our lives. It would be good for us to be instructed once more, like good novices, in the ways of the good life; there would then be some hope of our future improvement and greater spiritual progress.
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I know what you are going through, and some days, I don’t know how I will get through it without losing my mind.

I have prayed for a cure, have asked if anxiety or depression are recognized as true illnesses by the Church… I’ve even been told they’re just “emotions”. (Sounds pretty cold and scientific to me.)

I have to fight these demons on a daily basis and it is HARD. Some days, I wonder about the Lord promising Grace because he would not give you a cross if He did not also give Grace to help you cope with it. Most days I have scream in my head, “Lord, THIS IS AN SOS! I DON’T WANT TO COMMIT S******E.”

I’m sad for the world, the country, even the community I HAVE to live in because we cannot move back home.

Just saying you have someone who knows how you feel. I never know if tomorrow I will finally “lose it”, or worse yet, put an end to my life.
 
doanli said:
I know what you are going through, and some days, I don’t know how I will get through it without losing my mind.

I have prayed for a cure, have asked if anxiety or depression are recognized as true illnesses by the Church… I’ve even been told they’re just “emotions”. (Sounds pretty cold and scientific to me.)

I have to fight these demons on a daily basis and it is HARD. Some days, I wonder about the Lord promising Grace because he would not give you a cross if He did not also give Grace to help you cope with it. Most days I have scream in my head, “Lord, THIS IS AN SOS! I DON’T WANT TO COMMIT S******E.”

I’m sad for the world, the country, even the community I HAVE to live in because we cannot move back home.

Just saying you have someone who knows how you feel. I never know if tomorrow I will finally “lose it”, or worse yet, put an end to my life.
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“doanli”,

Those who have told you that depression is just an “emotion” are very wrong. I have found priests to be very compassionate and understanding about what depression is.

You and the OP are in my prayers. Depression causes real pain, and the person cannot just “snap out of it” by themselves. Compassionate listeners and people who care are needed.

Christian/Catholic therapists can be of help, because they deal with the whole person, not just the symptoms.

You and the OP will be in my prayers.
 
Prolife_Nurse said:
I apologize if this is in the wrong section- I’m really not sure where it belongs.
The problem is that I need help with a question and I suspect that this is the only place I’ll be able to get it.
I have been experiencing symptoms of clinical depression and severe anxiety for at least the past 7 years, and I only managed to seek treatment a few months ago. I have been unemployed since March due to my condition. Treatment has only helped slightly thus far, and I am nowhere near the point where I could actually be considered functional for society. I am extremely reluctant to post my personal information but I just can’t figure this out on my own.

Today has been extremely rough for me because I gained a job interview for a position that will be a bad fit for me, but I’ve been out of work for so long that I’m probably going to have to take it. I don’t mind helping people but I’m so exhausted that I can barely accomplish two things on any given day, despite the size of my to-do list. My brain is so scrambled that I can’t retain any knowledge without pages and pages of references and notes. Then I was wandering around on the internet and I keep bumping into all this writing about “We have to love everyone else, we have to put everyone else ahead of ourselves, we can’t be selfish, God loves you so much but if you’re not helping other people all the time then you’re a bad person”, blah blah blah etc.
The honest truth is that I hate myself. I have for years. I try my best to take care of everyone else because I’m supposed to, but I can’t bring myself to give a damn about most of them. I hate being around other people, especially at work because they’ll expect me to help them and I just don’t have the ability to. I feel completely worthless all the time because I’m of no use to anyone. I’ve been told it thousands of times, but I don’t believe that God loves me or that I have any intrinsic value. It’s as if I don’t matter if I’m not being useful and doing what he wants me to do. I don’t even know what that is anymore!! I can’t care about other people and I’m so worried that I’m going to be miserable my entire life and then get thrown in hell and I’ll never have any idea what even being content feels like. It’s horrid. I would very much appreciate any advice anyone might have.

Just one thing- please don’t tell me to pray because it doesn’t make any difference. It makes me even more anxious because I don’t feel anything while I’m doing it, so I’m doing it wrong or I’m just saying the words and they don’t have any meaning anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I’m really sorry for having to bother you guys with this. 😦
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I sympathize with you as anxiety runs in our family as well and it is crippling! If you feel you are not ready to return to work, are you able to delay it for a while longer or else take a lesser job you feel you can handle?

Do you have a professional counsellor who can help you sought through your issues and give you guidance? It really does make a difference to speak to a calm person to help you make sense of your diffilculties and share the burden. Do not worry about helping others when you are in this state–get yourself right first and just focus on one thing at a time, even if you have to write things down.Sometimes when all my thoughts are jumbled writing things down can help me see things more clearly.

Know you are valued and do matter–don’t listen to those thoughts that tell you otherwise.
When you can’t pray for yourself let others pray for you, if you haven’t done so already maybe post a prayer request on the prayer intention forum and let other’s prayers help carry you through these difficult times!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
You don’t have to help others all the time and you don’t have to like the people you help. God doesn’t ask for that. He asks you to love Him, others and yourself in that order, but love is not just some fluffy emotion–it goes much deeper than that. Also, God ALWAYS loves you and doesn’t want you to hate yourself. He loves you no matter what you do or don’t do; He created you to love you. You are His child.

Take things slowly and go to counseling if you can. Medication alone does not seem to be the answer in your case. Your anger towards yourself has been building up and I believe that that is the root cause of all this, or at least what triggered this.

There is more than one way to pray. You can simply be open to what God has to say to you instead of focusing so much on your own words. He spoke to my heart once when I asked for proof that we were "enemies–"asked for Him to hurt me to let me know He really “hated me,” as I was a Satanist at the time and wanted to make sure that was really the truth. Instead of hurting me, I felt Him say to my heart very loudly, yet gently and warmly: “I love you. You can always come back.”

I will pray for you. I hope you re-consider prayer too. Prayer is not all about feelings and so despite how you feel, none of your prayers have been useless. God has heard each one and will answer each according to what is best for you. His ways are mysterious and are not our own.
 
I believe depression can have both a clinical component, and a spiritual one. If praying seems to make things worse, that sounds like there are definitely spiritual forces at work against you as part of the problem. I would pray the Rosary as often as possible, and also go to Confession and attend Mass as often as possible. Wear a blessed Rosary around your neck, and also a blessed Crucifix. Someone else suggested short-term disability. Good suggestion, if you qualify.

Don’t let the bastards scare you away from prayer. That is at least part of the cure, and they know it.

Prayer, and liberal use of the Sacraments. That’s the best place to start, and also the best long-term defense.
 
I suffered severe bipolar disorder, which kept me totally disabled for 11 years.

Now I have been healed by the Lord, through quite a “Dark Night” process and lots of love from family and friends.

What sort of support do you have? Do you have any good friends? How the family situation? I’m wanting to know people who let you be yourself. People whom you can trust not to try to “fix” you just because you say something they don’t understand or agree with.

What do you not like about yourself? Potential undeveloped? Errors in judgment in the past? Uncertain future?

To me, I never lost love. If you can love yourself enough to want to be better, as evidenced by your writing here, then we’ll take that as a start at loving yourself. If you hated yourself you wouldn’t want anyone to help.

Alan
 
You dont have to “feel” anything in order to pray or for your prayers to be heard.

You dont have to “like” everyone or feel jolly bubble gum pop around them either in order to love, respect, and help them. In fact Id probably evem go as far as to say that it means more to God when you are obedient even when you dont “feel” like it.
 
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