Met Online - Getting her to meet?

  • Thread starter Thread starter idontknow
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I

idontknow

Guest
Ok, me and this girl met on Catholic Match. We have been talking for 7 weeks now. We talk every night on messenger, sometimes for 3-4 hours (and texted when I was gone on vacation). The plan was to start out as friends, but hopefully become more. We are both new to dating and wanted to take it somewhat slow. But I’m not sure what I’m spose to do now. I have asked two different times about when she would like to meet or what the next step would be for us. The last time was over two weeks ago. I think that we should meet and see how we feel about each other in person, since we have been talking quite a while and know a lot about each other. I really want to ask her maybe again this weekend, about meeting the next weekend. That would be about 2 months of talking almost every day. (I was thinking maybe I should approach it differently, instead of asking when she’d like to meet or figure out plans for us; I thought maybe this time I should say “Would you like to eat out at…”) - We consider each other “friends”, but we think about each other quite a bit, and other stuff. I guess we don’t seem like we are just friends.

So I just would like to know what others think? Any tips or suggestions? The last time she told me she wasn’t ready yet, and I told her she was worth waiting for. But I don’t want to wait forever in case she doesn’t like me or something.

Thanx for any help.
 
I would caution you to take things very slowly. Meeting online is a great way to meet people (I met the guy I’m dating on AveMariaSingles) We talked for almost a year before we physically met – a large reason for that is we’re in different states. However, by us communicating for almost a year, the first meeting was very relaxed and almost no nerves or pressure.
 
I disagree. Meet as soon as possible. When you are chatting, you fill in the blanks in your mind with your imagination. You want to make the friendship as real as possible as soon as possible. I don’t think you have mentioned that you have actually spoken yet? Have you talked on the phone? That would be very preferable to typing.

Think about this… before the internet, people use to just “meet”. They shake hands and start talking. They didn’t type a million little messages to each other first. I am all for meeting online, as you get to filter out a lot and not waste your time, however, I am also for meeting and making the relationship real as soon as possible.

The longer one waits, the more things the imagination puts in place instead of waiting for reality.
 
Personally I think it’s important to meet sooner rather than later, as the only way you’ll know for sure if you have chemistry (as friends or as more than friends) is to spend time together in person. Sometimes people act differently when talking online or in texts than they do in real life.

However, she might be hesitant, so what I would do (and what I did… since I met my husband online!) is tell her that you would really like to meet her, but that you will wait for her to be ready for that step. Just tell her to let you know when she’s ready to meet you, and hopefully she’ll take it from there. You don’t want to be too pushy about it.
 
I met my DH on AveMariaSingles. Our timeline was something like this…

January–he emailed me for the first time
March–he flew down to see me and we started dating
May–he came down to see me again
June–he moved to my state
September–we got engaged

The following June we got married! :love:

We’ve been married for over a year and I think everything happened at the perfect time for us. There isn’t an arbitrary “perfect” timeline that applies to everyone–personalities are different and you may find yourself less in a position to easily get married than we did. (We were both out of school, etc.)

I agree with the PP that it is better to meet sooner than later. That is not to say that you should rush a relationship, but I think it is better for you to meet within 3 to 6 months of starting a correspondance if possible.

Good luck! 👍
 
agapewolf said:
I disagree. Meet as soon as possible. When you are chatting, you fill in the blanks in your mind with your imagination. You want to make the friendship as real as possible as soon as possible. I don’t think you have mentioned that you have actually spoken yet? Have you talked on the phone? That would be very preferable to typing.

Think about this… before the internet, people use to just “meet”. They shake hands and start talking. They didn’t type a million little messages to each other first. I am all for meeting online, as you get to filter out a lot and not waste your time, however, I am also for meeting and making the relationship real as soon as possible.

The longer one waits, the more things the imagination puts in place instead of waiting for reality.
Click to expand...
I totally agree with this advice. Meeting in person is completely different than chatting online. You might think you know all that there is to know about someone by chatting, but meeting in person totally changes it. I had been given the advice to meet face to face as soon as possible, and I think it is good advice. That way your imagination doesn’t get carried away, allowing you to get closer than you should emotionally, only to have it not work out.
 
Thanx for the replys. I really think it would be best for us to meet soon as well. We have told each other a Lot about each other. And seem to like each other. - BTW, she lives around an hour & a half from me.

Any suggestions on what to do besides wait since she’s not ready? Or when I try again, anything I could do differently. I’m trying to be patient and not push her, but I really want to meet her and see if things will work out or not.
 
I met my DH on avemariasingles.com as well. Our time line went like this:

March: started emailing each other
June: met for the first time, continued to see each other on a regular basis
December: got engaged
January of following year: got married

Every couple is different. Some people will move quicker than others, some much slower than others. There is no universal “right” or wrong". Does she seem ready to meet? Maybe she is still being cautious?

Remember, it’s not the same when you are a woman. There are predators everywhere on the internet looking for women so we are more cautious than most men are in meeting in RL. Men don’t really share that same fear, so it’s hard for you to understand.

When DH, when we were still talking online, dropped a hint about coming to visit me for the first time I was ready, so I told him I would love to. If she isn’t responding to your suggestion, she probably isn’t ready to meet, but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Give her a little bit more time and see where it goes, then ask again.

Prayers for you and your relationship! 👍
 
I’m the oddball I guess 😃 Our timeline was:

May, 2007 – first e-mail
May, 2008 – physically met

For us it worked. Personally, I had met some real losers and others that just didn’t work out so I was very hesitant. So it worked for us spending a short amount of time e-mailing and then we went to phone calls.

So I guess do whatever God is leading for your relationship.
 
If she is refusing to meet, these are possible situations.
  1. She fears that you may be a predator.
  2. She has a major flaw that she is hiding from you and is afraid you won’t like her when that flaw is revealed, thus she wants to keep the fantasy alive as long as possible caring nothing about how that may hurt you in the long run.
  3. She has a real life boyfriend that she is hiding from you. (Hence why she is claiming that you and her are only friends.)
I would say give her an absolute MAXIMUM of one more month to meet you, or at the very least for her to make plans to meet you on a SPECIFIC day(within two months), and if she refuses, refuse to continue talking to her on any level. That’s NOT being pushy. It’s asserting your right not to be treated like a doormat, and preventing her from assuming a dictatorship role in your relationship.
 
Met my hubby online too:

June - first email exchange
September - He flew to meet me for first time
October - flew to see me a second time
January - I flew to see him
April - I flew to see him
June - I flew to see him and help him arrange the sale of his house and the move to my area and we were engaged.
July - He moved to my area
November - we were married
 
idontknow said:
Thanx for the replys. I really think it would be best for us to meet soon as well. We have told each other a Lot about each other. And seem to like each other. - BTW, she lives around an hour & a half from me.

Any suggestions on what to do besides wait since she’s not ready? Or when I try again, anything I could do differently. I’m trying to be patient and not push her, but I really want to meet her and see if things will work out or not.
Click to expand...
How old are you both?

Two months is quite a bit of time to invest in talking every day. Have you talked to her on the phone, or just via chat? If you haven’t talked on the phone then do so.

Regarding meeting, I would bring it up on the phone and make a proper invitation. Say that you’d like to meet in person, suggest a restaurant in her town or have her pick one, and you drive to her town for a Saturday or Sunday lunch.

If she’s resistant, then I would suggest that you start spending less individual time with her, and start talking to others. In your mind, you are already dating-- you are talking 3 to 4 hours a day. That’s a LOT of time and emotion investment over two months. You have developed feelings for her. So, if she doesn’t want to meet and carry it to the next leve by starting to date, stop giving her exclusive attention and don’t continue to invest so heavily emotionally.

It doesn’t mean you have to stop talking, but “I’m just not ready” seems sort of weird after 2 months of talking non-stop with you. Especially since you are only an hour or so away by car, it’s not like you have to arrange a big trip to see her.
 
1ke said:
How old are you both?

Two months is quite a bit of time to invest in talking every day. Have you talked to her on the phone, or just via chat? If you haven’t talked on the phone then do so.

Regarding meeting, I would bring it up on the phone and make a proper invitation. Say that you’d like to meet in person, suggest a restaurant in her town or have her pick one, and you drive to her town for a Saturday or Sunday lunch.

If she’s resistant, then I would suggest that you start spending less individual time with her, and start talking to others. In your mind, you are already dating-- you are talking 3 to 4 hours a day. That’s a LOT of time and emotion investment over two months. You have developed feelings for her. So, if she doesn’t want to meet and carry it to the next leve by starting to date, stop giving her exclusive attention and don’t continue to invest so heavily emotionally.

It doesn’t mean you have to stop talking, but “I’m just not ready” seems sort of weird after 2 months of talking non-stop with you. Especially since you are only an hour or so away by car, it’s not like you have to arrange a big trip to see her.
Click to expand...
👍 Good advice. Have to agree with 1ke here.

There’s a couple of general rules that I have, in regard to online dating:

Try to get a phone number and talk on the phone as soon as your comfortable.

Try to meet as soon as possible, if you feel something is there.

The closer you are to each other, the sooner you should expect to meet.

Talking online too much may set up unrealistic expectations of the other person. You need physical contact at some point.

I would suggest calling her and making plans. If she is resistant, I would start pulling away.
 
Some people have online relationships because it gives them the illusion of having a SO without the messy entanglements, obligations, or requirement to behave well of having a real relationship.

Some people prefer online relationships to real ones because they are too fearful, selfish, or weak to actually relate to another person for real. They keep the fantasy going online but never have to deal with a real person.

She may be doing that with you. Caveat emptor. I think if she doesn’t agree to meet with you in the next two weeks and follow through… move on.
 
duskyjewel said:
Some people have online relationships because it gives them the illusion of having a SO without the messy entanglements, obligations, or requirement to behave well of having a real relationship.

Some people prefer online relationships to real ones because they are too fearful, selfish, or weak to actually relate to another person for real. They keep the fantasy going online but never have to deal with a real person.
Click to expand...
]

While I agree with this statement generally, there are some of us who are a little gun shy because we’ve been misled about our date’s true intentions, et cetera. I fall into that category. So I like the option of taking lots of time to talk before meeting. It’s a lot easier to get into indepth conversations over the phone – about important issues – than it is if you’re sitting across the table from someone looking them in the face. That’s what happened with me. When I finally met him, we’d already had several conversations about our faith, our plans, our wants/needs… that it was easier to move into a relationship.

That’s just my two cents, and I realize that’s not the common experience of others.
 
duskyjewel said:
She may be doing that with you. Caveat emptor. I think if she doesn’t agree to meet with you in the next two weeks and follow through… move on.
Click to expand...
I do agree that that is the case sometimes, but how is this girl in question supposed to know that the OP thinks she’s worth waiting for if he won’t wait?

Sometimes having patience with your friends and partners goes a long way. Ultimatums just show that the person isn’t worth waiting for/fighting for.
 
gettingthere said:
I do agree that that is the case sometimes, but how is this girl in question supposed to know that the OP thinks she’s worth waiting for if he won’t wait?

Sometimes having patience with your friends and partners goes a long way. Ultimatums just show that the person isn’t worth waiting for/fighting for.
Click to expand...
Worth “waiting for”? They’ve known each other two months and have never met in person. Pu-leez.

Someone worth “waiting for” is someone you are already committed to who has a **specific **situation in their life that requires they put off advancing to the next step. For example, Lizanne had to wait for her DH to do all the paperwork required for him to move to the US. That is “worth waiting for”.
 
1ke said:
Worth “waiting for”? They’ve known each other two months and have never met in person. Pu-leez.

Someone worth “waiting for” is someone you are already committed to who has a **specific **situation in their life that requires they put off advancing to the next step. For example, Lizanne had to wait for her DH to do all the paperwork required for him to move to the US. That is “worth waiting for”.
Click to expand...
There could be valid reasons she is nervous about meeting him in person. Maybe something bad happened to her in the past with an online relationship, or maybe she’s gotten screwed over too many times. If she’s waiting to be sure that this guy (the OP) is not going to hurt her, him giving her an ultimatum isn’t going to do anything but make her run away.

I think it’s really crazy that you think someone is only worth waiting for if they have a specific situation when makes it impossible to meet. It is possible for someone to be a great person who is worth waiting for, even if you’ve only known them for two months and haven’t met.
 
gettingthere said:
There could be valid reasons she is nervous about meeting him in person. Maybe something bad happened to her in the past with an online relationship, or maybe she’s gotten screwed over too many times. If she’s waiting to be sure that this guy (the OP) is not going to hurt her, him giving her an ultimatum isn’t going to do anything but make her run away.
Click to expand...
Perhaps she does have a good reason. She should communicate it.
gettingthere said:
I think it’s really crazy that you think someone is only worth waiting for if they have a specific situation when makes it impossible to meet.
Click to expand...
To each their own.
gettingthere said:
It is possible for someone to be a great person who is worth waiting for, even if you’ve only known them for two months and haven’t met.
Click to expand...
I disagree. I would be inclined to move on and if/when that person was “ready” then if I was still available… great. If not, oh well.

But, everyone is different.
 
Nanny_PK said:
]

While I agree with this statement generally, there are some of us who are a little gun shy because we’ve been misled about our date’s true intentions, et cetera. I fall into that category. So I like the option of taking lots of time to talk before meeting. **It’s a lot easier to get into indepth conversations over the phone – about important issues – than it is if you’re sitting across the table from someone looking them in the face. ** That’s what happened with me. When I finally met him, we’d already had several conversations about our faith, our plans, our wants/needs… that it was easier to move into a relationship.

That’s just my two cents, and I realize that’s not the common experience of others.
Click to expand...
This is backward intimacy. Easier when you don’t have to look at them? It should be HARDER to share if you don’t have them right there…with the person in the flesh (which, by the way, is how God intended us to have relationships), you have a basis for trusting the person.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top