Met someone online -- how to avoid the fantasy

[dulcissima]

The best way to love your children is to love your spouse. If you do not have a spouse, love yourself enough to attract one who will love you and yor your children!

Exactly.

 

[kentuckyliz]

Meet in person soon. Failing to meet in person is when the filling in the blanks happens, and that is mere fantasy.

I have some cop friends that have done background checks for me. One guy I was dating and very interested in turned out to have a long court docket of domestic abuse convictions. Of course that was a deal breaker.

 

[lizaanne]

Gertie - I met my husband online. Not on a dating site, we met on another Catholic message forum. We were 3,000 miles apart - he lived in England and I’m here in the States. We talked and emailed over the computer for eight months before I flew to England to meet him in person for the first time. I went alone (I do not recommend this to anyone - my situation was my own) - after ensuring that my priest spoke with his priest and they decided it was safe for me to meet him. We were engaged on that visit, but waited over a year to get married, with other trips back and forth to complete our marriage preparation and just get to know each other better.

Our situation turned out good for us - we have been married a little over a year now, very happily! But I know that I would have never ever made the decision to continue the relationship had I never met him in person. For me, I only fell more in love with him after we met. But it could have also gone the other way.

I’ve always said that those in long distance relationships have one major advantage over those who are in the same city. We are FORCED to communicate. We don’t have the luxury of just sitting together silently, going for quiet walks, going to the movies. If there isn’t talk over the phone line, you are wasting your time. And so you have the opportunity to learn TONS about the other person before you meet and in between visits. Use this to your advantage! We did pre-marriage quizzes, worked through a 101 questions before you marry book, and talked in depth about EVERYTHING - nothing was off limits. The way I looked at it was that I had to ask these questions now, because later it could be too late.

So - I guess I would say to take it slow, but meet as soon as possible. You may decide after one meeting that he’s just not for you - why then would you want to continue wasting your time on the phone and Internet wondering? Yes - cost and time is a factor - but some things are worth paying for, from both perspectives.

Hope this was helpful!

~Liza

 

[qui_est_ce]

Ideally your priorities should be first to God, then to your marriage, and then to your kids. I say that ideally because if you are in a situation where you are married to someone who is a threat to your kids, you can’t follow that order, and if you are not married that order is already broken. However, I think when you consider looking for a spouse, you need to find one who can fit into that order.

Interesting perspective. I agree with you about finding a spouse that fits in that order, a difficult thing.

I am sorry, but I just cannot agree with any of this. Joe, I do not believe you understand what it can be like to raise a child on your own. Nor do I believe that you understand to frustration of being alone or lonely, with the weight of the world on your shoulders. I am sorry, but I think this is not very constructive, whether it be from a secular or Catholic perspective.

A husband and marriage do not solve your problems or keep you from being lonely. In many cases, a husband puts more weight on your shoulders. You will always be between kids and husband. The spouse will never be the child’s father. My ex-husband could tell you this. He is emerging from a divorce, where he practically raised his step kids. He was constantly being told by the kids they didn’t have to listen to him, he wasn’t their dad. And by his ex-wife (no 2) that he should not discipline. What a mess. Although I have never met her or her kids, it sounded like a nightmare.

Probably none of my business, Gertie, but my position is…
If you have a kid, especially one so young, than you should be putting 100% of your time and energy into the kid.

I understand it would be good for a child to have a father, but without knowing the future or how it will work out, having men come into an out of her life would not be beneficial.

Right now your energies should be devoted to the child and nowhere else. I have always told myself that if something ever happened to MY wife (I have an 11 year old daughter) I would expect to remain single until my daughter was on her own.

If you could predict the future with 100% accuracy, and know for sure that this man would be the one, and you would marry him and adopt your daughter, that would be fine. But you can’t know.
You can’t risk hurting or confusing your daughter at all.

Having been there, and still am, there is NO WAY I would have dated when my children were younger. I work all day, and needed to be there for kids. When they got older, I joined in church activities. I have met men there. I just can’t find myself dating until kids are out of the house, if then. I have a perfectly full life without being married.

Having said that, I am divorced and their father is part of their lives. It may be different if spouse died or is no longer in the picture.

 

[ljprevo]

I met my wife on CatholicSingles.com

We emailed and spoke on the phone for about a month, then decided to meet each other.

I did have two adopted kids (who did not have a mother, adopted through foster care) and I had to be careful.

I did not want to get wraped up in a person and it not be what I or my kids needed. I left everything in God’s hand.

I met my future wife 1st by myself. I did not want the kids to be confused or hurt.

Then after a few years, this is what we are left with…

jamieandsonya.com

 

[kage_ar]

To know a person well, it is important to know their family and friends.

Also, have this man meet some of your close friends soon. And listen to their honest opinion of him.

 

[dulcissima]

You will always be between kids and husband. The spouse will never be the child’s father. My ex-husband could tell you this. He is emerging from a divorce, where he practically raised his step kids. He was constantly being told by the kids they didn’t have to listen to him, he wasn’t their dad. And by his ex-wife (no 2) that he should not discipline. What a mess. Although I have never met her or her kids, it sounded like a nightmare.

It does sound like a nightmare. I would never marry someone that I didn’t trust to discipline my kids or who didn’t trust me to discipline theirs. I think that would be an unworkable situation. I think when you already have children, you need to be particularly selective in who you would consider marrying. You should really only marry someone whose parenting style is already very similar to your own, so that you are there to support each other as parents, not be at odds over it, because surely the kids would use that to come between you.

 

[jrabs]

I’ve done the internet singles thing. Several times. So I speak from some very hard-won experience.

It is almost invariably bad news. Fewer than 1/3 of the people I met turned out to be who they actually said they were. And this was via a large “Catholic” singles site.

While I like to travel, the whole LDR (long distance romance) thing is fraught with temptation and danger. That is because when you meet, someone has to travel such a long distance, overnight stays (presumably at a hotel) will be required for someone. And the "host, will feel the need to essentially dedicate 100% of their time to the out of town guest. The frequency you meet will be sharply limited so the idea to “make the most of it” may lead to some, well, poor decisions.

But if this person seems intriguing, and you think you can handle an LDR or the person lives locally, I would encourage you to spend a good deal of time speaking on the phone. While I think you should meet in person sooner rather than later, I think it is important that you know the person as well as possible.

There are a lot of creeps out there, both men and women. There are also a great of good and well-meaning people. Be cautious until you know which category the person falls into.

And one last thing. In the case of an LDR, the man must make the first few out of town trips. He stays in a hotel and gets his own rental car. You do not have him stay in the spare bedroom nor decide to use your car. The lady needs an “escape route” if things do not turn out well. Also, no money or expensive gifts should be exchanged. Gifts maybe later, but never money, not until you are married to the guy!

Finally, all this is based on the assumption that both of you are free to marry. That is both of you are never married, widowed, or have an annulment **in **hand for all previous attempts at a marriage. Never start a relationship with anyone who, in the eyes of the Church, is still married, not matter how certain it seems their annulment will be granted.

This whole post is spot on.

I, too, have had dating long distance dating experience from one of these Catholic sites. Met a wonderful (sounding person). Chatted nightly for weeks. Ended the conversation with a nightly rosary over the phone. Beautiful.

When I met him, he was not the same person I had chatted with on the phone and not one I would ever want my children or family to know.

It’s a dating venue that needs to be used with the utmost of care and caution. Yes, there are some great people on those sites - and ABSOLUTELY there are many not so great.

 

[rpp]

This whole post is spot on.

I, too, have had dating long distance dating experience from one of these Catholic sites. Met a wonderful (sounding person). Chatted nightly for weeks. Ended the conversation with a nightly rosary over the phone. Beautiful.

When I met him, he was not the same person I had chatted with on the phone and not one I would ever want my children or family to know.

It’s a dating venue that needs to be used with the utmost of care and caution. Yes, there are some great people on those sites - and ABSOLUTELY there are many not so great.

Hey, jrabs, still looking?

 

[jrabs]

Hey, jrabs, still looking?

Wedding date set for April 5th. Actually met him through a poster on this forum! He’s a local guy for me. LDR are too hard.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

If you meet, just make sure it’s in a REAL public place, and your friend know where you are and what time you’re supposed to return.

 

[qui_est_ce]

To know a person well, it is important to know their family and friends.

Also, have this man meet some of your close friends soon. And listen to their honest opinion of him.

Good advice for anyone who is contemplating marriage. Unfortunately American society focuses on the Wedding and starry eyed romance.

It does sound like a nightmare. I would never marry someone that I didn’t trust to discipline my kids or who didn’t trust me to discipline theirs. I think that would be an unworkable situation. I think when you already have children, you need to be particularly selective in who you would consider marrying. You should really only marry someone whose parenting style is already very similar to your own, so that you are there to support each other as parents, not be at odds over it, because surely the kids would use that to come between you.

And that’s hard enough for first time marriages without kids. Statistically Catholics divorce at a rate of 50%, same as non Catholics, although I believe it is much lower for marriages where both spouses are devoted to the faith.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Wedding date set for April 5th. Actually met him through a poster on this forum! He’s a local guy for me. LDR are too hard.

Congratulations.
Looks like you have a solid common ground.

 

[jrabs]

Congratulations.
Looks like you have a solid common ground.

Thanks. Much much prayer helped.

As it will help the OP in her dating discernment process as well.

 

[rpp]

Wedding date set for April 5th. Actually met him through a poster on this forum! He’s a local guy for me. LDR are too hard.

Congratulations! That is great! May God bless you both!

 

[jrabs]

Congratulations! That is great! May God bless you both!

awe thanks.

 

[Gertabelle]

First off, I just want to thank everyone for the thought, concern, and help you’ve offered me. I’m really touched by how so many of you have opened up your hearts in sharing your stories.

The best way to love your children is to love your spouse. If you do not have a spouse, love yourself enough to attract one who will love you and yor your children!

This is totally beautiful. I may print it up and keep it on my computer.

Meet in person soon. Failing to meet in person is when the filling in the blanks happens, and that is mere fantasy.

I have some cop friends that have done background checks for me. One guy I was dating and very interested in turned out to have a long court docket of domestic abuse convictions. Of course that was a deal breaker.

I have lots of family that live less than an hour from his home, so I may make a quick visit out there over my Christmas vacation. If so, I’ll have him come meet me in my family’s home town so I have family nearby. I may even plant a couple of them in the coffee shop (or wherever) to keep an eye out and give me their thoughts later.

And I’m pretty sure one of the D.A.R.E. officers at one of my schools could help me with a background check. Thanks for the suggestion.

I flew to England to meet him in person for the first time - after ensuring that my priest spoke with his priest and they decided it was safe for me to meet him.

You have the opportunity to learn TONS about the other person before you meet and in between visits. Use this to your advantage! We worked through a 101 questions before you marry book, and talked in depth about EVERYTHING - nothing was off limits. The way I looked at it was that I had to ask these questions now, because later it could be too late.

Talking with his parish priest, or having my pastor speak to his, is a brilliant idea! And we certainly have been using this time on the phone and chatting online to ask some pointed questions. Not just skimming the surface, though not all serious either.

I did have two adopted kids (who did not have a mother, adopted through foster care) and I had to be careful.

I did not want to get wraped up in a person and it not be what I or my kids needed. I left everything in God’s hand.

I met my future wife 1st by myself. I did not want the kids to be confused or hurt.

Then after a few years, this is what we are left with…

jamieandsonya.com

What a lovely family! Congratulations to all of you!

My son will certainly not be a part of any dating time with any man. Depending on how a relationship proceeds, a “prospect” might come over to the house with other friends, a scenario my son is used to so it wouldn’t be confusing to have a particular person be there or not.

To know a person well, it is important to know their family and friends.

Also, have this man meet some of your close friends soon. And listen to their honest opinion of him.

A group of us girls went for coffee after school yesterday and I joked that I should call this man right then and let each of them talk with him and ask him some questions. They practically dialed for me. I told them maybe next week. Well, dating me certainly won’t be boring for any man who takes it on.

If you meet, just make sure it’s in a REAL public place, and your friend know where you are and what time you’re supposed to return.

I was actually thinking of meeting him with a group of my friends – after mass for coffee and doughnuts, at the coffee shop (I do drink a lot of coffee these days), or somewhere else. Courtship in the old days would always have been in the presence of chaperones. And since I don’t know him at all, I think it would be safer, as well as give me “friendly feedback” so it’s not just my own “gut feelings.”

Anyone have thoughts on that?

God bless you all for your good wishes and good advice.

Gertie

 

[lizaanne]

And since I don’t know him at all, I think it would be safer, as well as give me “friendly feedback” so it’s not just my own “gut feelings.”

Anyone have thoughts on that?

God bless you all for your good wishes and good advice.

Gertie

I think that would be an excellent idea - sometimes it’s hard to be objective when you are in the middle of something. I was sure to ask EVERYONE who met my DH on his first visit what they felt about him, and fortunately, everyone loved him. It’s always good to get opinions from those who love you and only want the best for you.

~Liza

 

[rpp]

{snip}
I was actually thinking of meeting him with a group of my friends – after mass for coffee and doughnuts, at the coffee shop (I do drink a lot of coffee these days), or somewhere else. Courtship in the old days would always have been in the presence of chaperones. And since I don’t know him at all, I think it would be safer, as well as give me “friendly feedback” so it’s not just my own “gut feelings.”

Anyone have thoughts on that?

God bless you all for your good wishes and good advice.

Gertie

I think that would be an excellent idea - sometimes it’s hard to be objective when you are in the middle of something. I was sure to ask EVERYONE who met my DH on his first visit what they felt about him, and fortunately, everyone loved him. It’s always good to get opinions from those who love you and only want the best for you.

~Liza

I agree with LizAnne. This is a good idea. But hold off on introducing him to mom and dad on the first meeting!

While you might have that first cup of coffee “alone” (in public) with him, be sure you can introduce him to your friends. Don’t surprise him with this, let him know in advance before he buys any plane tickets.

If he balks at meeting your friends, well, that should speak for itself. If he ignores your friends, that would also not be a good sign.

Another bad sign would be if keeps trying to get your girlfriend’s or sister’s phone number. (Even worse if she gives it to him! ) Just kidding here, sort of.

If he is really sincere and well meaning, he will not mind this and will understand your reasons. Albeit he may be a bit uncomfortable, especially if he is a bit shy.