Methodist Wife and Non-Practicing Catholic Husband - Inlaws Problems

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GAYLEC

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Dear Friends,

My husband and I were married in a Christian ceremony, outdoors in Colorado.
My husband was raised a Catholic, but is non-practicing - and I was raised in the Methodist Church. I was baptized as a baby and later when I was 13 baptized when I accepted Jesus as my lord and Savior.

My husband and I have attended bible-based fellowships during our relationship, before and after we were married.

He doesn’t like to go to Catholic church. He doesn’t agree with some of their beliefs.

The problem lies with his parents. His mother is devout, attends Mass everyday.
His father is also a practicing Catholic.
We go to Mass when we visit them out of respect.

When communion is offered at Mass. I do no participate. This bothers my husband, but as a non-Catholic I can’t accept communion. Am I right?

The other problem is that they are pushing me to convert and want to have another ceremony and big reception upon our being married in their church.

I get the feeling they fail to recognize our marraige as valid. I don’t know enough about the Catholic faith to fully understand this and was looking for some guidance.

I had considered converting…but their pushy behavior and at times hurtful messages have gotten to the point where I really don’t want to.

I am 46 and my husband is 48. We have a loving, respectful and honest marraige.

I just don’t understand why his parents treat me they way they do. They have even said they “can’t wait for me to convert - because I will be more a part of the family then.”

I thought their was something about Catholics looking at other faiths “as brothers in Christ”. What do I say to his parents about the obvious snub?

This is causing a strain on both my husband and I - we don’t really want to spend time with them because they keep bringing this up. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to have a relationship with them and want them to respect my beliefs.

I need help in understanding. Do they think we are going to hell because we were not married in their church?

Many Thanks - Gayle C
 
Good afternoon!

I’ll take a stab at this (others are much more knowledgable than I am, so hopefully someone else will jump in and fill in any blanks for you).

Unless your husband “formally defected” from the Catholic Church, which I believe requires sending a letter to the local Bishop declaring his leaving the Church, he was bound by the marriage laws of the Church, so, no, your marriage is not considered valid. This may explain some of your in-law’s behavior, as they believe you are essentially living in sin, and yes, likely believe you will go to hell if you die without repenting of the situation.

You are correct about Communion-you shouldn’t receive, you are not Catholic. Your husband shouldn’t be receiving either, as, objectively speaking, he is in a state of sin as he doesn’t attend Mass (an obligation for Catholics, and, unless he formally defected as mentioned above, he is still considered a Catholic) and, I’m assuming, doesn’t go to confession prior to attending Mass with his parents.

You should not convert because your in-laws want you too. If you’re going to convert, it should be because the Holy Spirit leads you to study the Catholic faith and you discover it to be the Truth. Coming to CA may be a first step in that, but no one should be pressuring you in this regard. I’m sorry your husband’s parents are this way. Are they pushy in other areas of your life, as well? Some people are just like that. Luckily, I’ve been blessed with wonderful (nonCatholic at that) in-laws, so I always pray for people who have in-law problems, so you’ll be in my prayers as well.

Hope that helped some, and maybe someone more knowledgable can provide more insight. 🙂

In Christ,

Ellen
 
GAYLEC said:
My husband and I were married in a Christian ceremony, outdoors in Colorado.My husband was raised a Catholic, but is non-practicing…

I get the feeling they fail to recognize our marraige as valid.
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Well, the reason you get that “feeling” is that his parents (and the Church for that matter) DON’T recognize your marriage as valid. According to Church teaching, you husband is Catholic and is obligated to be married in the Catholic Church. However, since he is not practicing, I doubt that he is particularly concerned about how the Church views his marriage. As a non-Catholic, you probably don’t care much either.

As devout Catholics, I can understand that his parents might be disappointed that their son chose not to follow their faith. But, that was his choice to make. It wasn’t your fault. If you decide to convert, that’s YOUR choice to make. (Although I would encourage you not to convert just for the sake of family harmony…especially since you don’t believe in some of the Church’s teachings.) Anyway, perhaps you should encourage your husband to inform his parents that you’ve been adults for a long time, and you really don’t need to hear about it any more…and to back off.
 
GAYLEC said:
I need help in understanding. Do they think we are going to hell because we were not married in their church?
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Just noticed this last line in you post.

To answer this question: Yes, believe it or not, they probably think that is a real possibility.
 
If his parents think you are going to hell, they have not come to that conclusion as a Catholic, as we Catholics are not to judge the eternal state of anyone’s soul.

As for your marriage being valid, I don’t think that’s based on being married in the Catholic church, but having been married in a Christian church. I know people who were converts and didn’t have to be remarried for their marriages to be considered valid.

It’s unfortunate that your in-laws are approaching conversion in this way. That can happen in any religion. The underlying reason is probably based on love. They love you and their son, and they love the Catholic faith. Most likely, God, working through the Church, has carried them through many difficulties, and they want you and your husband to have the same support that they have.

When my son grows up, if he decides to leave the Church, it will break my heart. I know the joy that comes from a strong faith and relationship with God and from the beauty and grace of the Mass. To see him walk away from that would be awful. He would be leaving the most precious gift of his life.

If seen from this perspective, you might have more patience with your in-laws. Who knows, maybe you will be encouraged to explore the faith, come to know Jesus in a more personal way, and bring them closer to Him as a result. (Stranger things have happened!)

When you love God, you want everyone else to have what you have. That’s what I pray for you and for your husband.
 
ALLGIRLS said:
Good afternoon!

I’ll take a stab at this (others are much more knowledgable than I am, so hopefully someone else will jump in and fill in any blanks for you).

Unless your husband “formally defected” from the Catholic Church, which I believe requires sending a letter to the local Bishop declaring his leaving the Church, he was bound by the marriage laws of the Church, so, no, your marriage is not considered valid. This may explain some of your in-law’s behavior, as they believe you are essentially living in sin, and yes, likely believe you will go to hell if you die without repenting of the situation.

You are correct about Communion-you shouldn’t receive, you are not Catholic. Your husband shouldn’t be receiving either, as, objectively speaking, he is in a state of sin as he doesn’t attend Mass (an obligation for Catholics, and, unless he formally defected as mentioned above, he is still considered a Catholic) and, I’m assuming, doesn’t go to confession prior to attending Mass with his parents.

You should not convert because your in-laws want you too. If you’re going to convert, it should be because the Holy Spirit leads you to study the Catholic faith and you discover it to be the Truth. Coming to CA may be a first step in that, but no one should be pressuring you in this regard. I’m sorry your husband’s parents are this way. Are they pushy in other areas of your life, as well? Some people are just like that. Luckily, I’ve been blessed with wonderful (nonCatholic at that) in-laws, so I always pray for people who have in-law problems, so you’ll be in my prayers as well.

Hope that helped some, and maybe someone more knowledgable can provide more insight. 🙂

In Christ,

Ellen
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You are right on target with everything you have said.

As an RCIA director, I can tell you we have never brought anyone into the Church against their will.

I especially like your answer “You should not convert because your in-laws want you too. If you’re going to convert, it should be because the Holy Spirit leads you to study the Catholic faith and you discover it to be the Truth.”
 
GAYLEC,

My situation is not a whole lot different than yours. I wasn’t raised in any church per se, but could be considered a marginal Catholic. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior while at college age 19. This was during a time of personal difficulty in my life. Prior to that, I went to mass literally every week during my 4 years in high school. I cannot remember one person outside of my school friends taking the time to say anything to me on a personal level at church.

Anyway, I joined the campus fellowship and it was there that I finally made a few Christian friends and was encouraged to read the Bible. After watching the movie Jan Hus, in March 1977, I placed my trust in Christ.

I have several family members who are Catholic and a cousin who is a Priest. My great Aunt was a Nun. My wifes entire family is Catholic, her mother (my MIL) worked for the Catholic church. When my wife and I became Baptist, it was like the end of the world to my in-laws. The irony is of course, none of my brothers in law are Church goers and one of them has been in jail for years. But because they haven’t become anything other than Catholic, they are OK. My wife and I though are the worse scum on the planet according to them.

Anyway, you and your husband should talk about this and come to some kind of agreement. You are too old to be living your life to please your mother in law. Your mother in law, for her part, needs to mind her own business. I don’t mean to come off like a trouble maker. If you and your spouse agree that Catholic is the way to go then it is not any of my business. But it sounds like you feel at home in a Bible church. I know how you feel.
 
ALLGIRLS said:
Good afternoon!

I’ll take a stab at this (others are much more knowledgable than I am, so hopefully someone else will jump in and fill in any blanks for you).

Unless your husband “formally defected” from the Catholic Church, which I believe requires sending a letter to the local Bishop declaring his leaving the Church, he was bound by the marriage laws of the Church, so, no, your marriage is not considered valid. **This may explain some of your in-law’s behavior, as they believe you are essentially living in sin, and yes, likely believe you will go to hell if you die without repenting of the situation. **

You are correct about Communion-you shouldn’t receive, you are not Catholic. Your husband shouldn’t be receiving either, as, objectively speaking, he is in a state of sin as he doesn’t attend Mass (an obligation for Catholics, and, unless he formally defected as mentioned above, he is still considered a Catholic) and, I’m assuming, doesn’t go to confession prior to attending Mass with his parents.

Hope that helped some, and maybe someone more knowledgable can provide more insight. 🙂

In Christ,

Ellen
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If I may ask would the technical distinction be made that GAYLEC is just fine but her husband is living in sin?

While it may be just this board, but there seem to be many reminders that Protestants are not to join in when communion is celebrated. meanwhile it sometimes seem as if a very significant proportion of Catholics also do not qualify.Is the Catholic husband in this specific case reminded about his obligations or is he supposed to remember from his time in religious education?
 
GAYLEC said:
Dear Friends,

My husband and I were married in a Christian ceremony, outdoors in Colorado. Many Thanks - Gayle C
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Gayle,

I am sorry about the situation with your inlaws. We all do our best.

There is only one reason to belong to any religion. That is you believe in its teachings, doctrines or precepts.

I come from a marginally Catholic family, but I myself have examined carefully the doctrines of the Catholic Church and embrace them. No one should be a Catholic, or Baptist, or anything unless there is adherence to the doctrines of that body. If you believe the teachings of Catholicsm you should be Catholic and if you believe something else you sould be that.

If your husband is encouraging you to receive Communion at Mass that seems to indicate that he is receiving. If your husband is receiving Communion when he goes to Mass with his parents he should stop immediately. Having rejected the Catholic faith and having left the Church for some other religion he is not a practicing Catholic. He does not believe what the Church teaches and is not welcome by the Church to come to Communion at Mass. No one will stop him, but he is an univited guest.

If he had any even basic understanding of the Catholic faith he would know this and surely his parents who seem to be avidly practicing their faith must know it. He is participating in a religious act in a Church whose teaching and faith he rejects.

If he truly does not understand that would be amazing, but then it is also obvious that he has rejected a religion he does not understand. He must not have been properly instructed in the faith on this and probably many other matters.

Why would he even want to participate in Communion in a Church whose faith he rejects? Catholics see the reception of this Sacrament as a public statement, an outward sign, that says, I believe in what the Catholic Church teaches. Amen, I agree. We are one in faith. Taking Communion is a public statement that says I an Cathlic and believe as a Catholic in what my Church believes. That is the statement your husband is making when he goes to receive, but he does not believe.

You said you both go to Mass with your inlaws out of respect. That is a good thing. Leave it at that. Receiving Communion is much more than showing respect. It is participation in a religious act of faith where faith is lacking.

The pharisees were condemned for being hypocrits. They went through religious ceremonies outwardly, but their heearts were far from God. They gave lip service, outward signs, but their hearts were not in it. If your husband is doing this to please his parents and they know he does not believe what the Church teaches they are all very mixed up.

God bless you all.
 
GAYLEC said:
Dear Friends,

My husband and I were married in a Christian ceremony, outdoors in Colorado.
My husband was raised a Catholic, but is non-practicing - and I was raised in the Methodist Church. I was baptized as a baby and later when I was 13 baptized when I accepted Jesus as my lord and Savior.

Your first Baptism was valid if done according to the biblical Trinitarian formula.

My husband and I have attended bible-based fellowships during our relationship, before and after we were married.

He doesn’t like to go to Catholic church. He doesn’t agree with some of their beliefs.

That is the ‘usual’ reason people leave the Church. Personally, I think it’s a poor excuse.

The problem lies with his parents. His mother is devout, attends Mass everyday.
His father is also a practicing Catholic.
We go to Mass when we visit them out of respect.

That’s very nice. 🙂

When communion is offered at Mass. I do no participate. This bothers my husband, but as a non-Catholic I can’t accept communion. Am I right?

You are correct. However, your husband shouldn’t be receiving the Eucharist either as he is in a state of mortal sin as far as the Church is concerned.

The other problem is that they are pushing me to convert and want to have another ceremony and big reception upon our being married in their church.

You and your husband are adults. Make your own decisions.

I get the feeling they fail to recognize our marraige as valid. I don’t know enough about the Catholic faith to fully understand this and was looking for some guidance.

I had considered converting…but their pushy behavior and at times hurtful messages have gotten to the point where I really don’t want to.

I am 46 and my husband is 48. We have a loving, respectful and honest marraige.

Good grief! Both of you are middle aged and STILL ruled by parents?!

I just don’t understand why his parents treat me they way they do. They have even said they “can’t wait for me to convert - because I will be more a part of the family then.”

Just tell them straight out that you have no intentions of converting. Period.

I thought their was something about Catholics looking at other faiths “as brothers in Christ”. What do I say to his parents about the obvious snub?

Tell them that you have a valid Baptism and that you are happy in the religion that you have been raised in, and that your husband supports you.

This is causing a strain on both my husband and I - we don’t really want to spend time with them because they keep bringing this up. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to have a relationship with them and want them to respect my beliefs.

HE will have to speak to his parents and work it out with THEM. He needs to tell them that their bringing this up everytime you visit is creating a strain on your relationship, and that it needs to stop.He needs to tell them that they are hurtful to you in this regard and the matter should be left between the both of you and God.

I need help in understanding. Do they think we are going to hell because we were not married in their church?

**They probably do! **

Many Thanks - Gayle C
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I am most grateful for responses I received.
Being a non-Catholic, it is difficult to understand the “whys” and “wheres” and that is why I reached out on this website.

I have not made up my mind regarding conversion. My original intent was to take the classes that start in September and go thru the process and THEN decide.

Unfortunately, there were medical issues that prevented me from doing so. So instead of waiting until September 2010 - I thought I would post here to start that journey of information.

I did not intend to sound like I was whining at 46 years of age. Actually, I am not really complaining. I just want to understand where Catholics and my faith divide.

I want to understand what drives his devout parents to pressure me. My mother is a devout Christian and she does it gently and with love.

When you are newly married, and your in-laws tell you in essence your really not a part of the family because of your religon…yes, that hurt. Yes, it surprised me.

I appreciate your time. Thank you - Gayle
 
GAYLEC said:
I

I want to understand what drives his devout parents to pressure me. My mother is a devout Christian and she does it gently and with love.

When you are newly married, and your in-laws tell you in essence your really not a part of the family because of your religon…yes, that hurt. Yes, it surprised me.
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Your inlaws probably mean well, but their behavior seems odd.

The essence or most fundamental issue that divides Protestants and Catholics is how we know truth. All agree this is very important. Methodists and other Protestants are also in disagreement on this with one another.

Luther said the sole means by which we know truth is scripture. The Bible and the Bible alone is the only authority in matters of faith and morals.

Catholics say there are two authorities, the Bible and Church. Jesus gave His apostles the authority and power to teach what He taught them. This is also called tradition, the teaching of the apostles and their successors over the centuries, and it is guaranteed by Jesus’s promises in the Bible.

Methodists, if I recall, say there are four things we rely on, faith, tradition, experience and intellect.

Catholics would say our personal experiences can mislead us. People might have a spiritual experience, or think they did and it could be a hallucination, or a trick of the devil. Saints have spiritual experiences all the time and they are difficult to interpret. They can be of God and they might not be.

God gave us intellect, the ability to think and reason, so this is good, but if we rely on our own personal intellect we might make mistakes. Instead we are all together in one body and mind. We rely on the mind of the Church. We are disciples, followers. That does not mean our minds are of no use. Paul tells us to be of one mind and agree on all things.

Best wishes to you.
 
You’ve shown great humility and respect for both your husband’s parents and the catholic faith in spite of experiencing what must seem to you like rude snubs! I’m impressed.

Thank you for respecting the teaching of the catholic church that non-catholics should not participate in communion. It’s complicated, but the bottom line is that catholics believe there is no real distinction between the spiritual and the physical. We are a union of body and soul. If a person receives communion, but doesn’t believe it is the actual body and blood of Christ, that is the physical manifestation of a lie. Your body by receiving is affirming the belief denied by your mind.

Your inlaws are likely distressed by the fact that your husband seems to have defied catholic church teaching that catholics must marry in a catholic church OR receive a dispensation from the priest (perhaps bishop, I can’t recall). Given that you appear to be a sincere Christian reliant on the Grace of Jesus for salvation, it’s hard to believe that he wouldn’t have been able to get such a dispensation had he requested one. In that case, your marriage would be completely valid in the judgement of the Church and since you seem to be a validly baptised christian, you ARE part of the family.

I sense that faith is more important to you than to your husband. That’s a shame and probably the REAL source of disappointment for your inlaws.

If you want to know what catholics really believe, one of the easiest places to start is “Catholicism for Dummies” available at many bookstores. Do not buy the “Complete Idiots Guide to Catholicism” by mistake. It’s junk.

We catholics can be hard to understand from the outside. If you don’t grasp the basics, then many of the rules and laws seem constraining and legalistic. When you understand the basic principles from which they flow, its much easier to see how those seemingly constraining rules are more like guard rails along the edge of a narrow road: they don’t constrain you, they keep you free and moving towards the ultimate freedom!
 
I am really glad I stumbled across this forum. I don’t have a situation similar go GayleC’s, was looking around for info about the Catholic faith. The answers to Gayle’s dilemma you all gave were really great to read. I guess I am being led by the Holy Spirit to inquire about the faith and to learn more. Bless you all!
 
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