Mid 40's and Dealing with Parents

[Pilgrim101]

BACKGROUND:
My wife & I are in out mid-40’s. Kids are pretty much out of the house in college (1 left at home). My parents are in their mid to late 60’s and retired.
My parents both come from broken homes and alcoholic-abusive fathers.
My parents moved away (across country) from their families (sibs & mothers) when I was young.
My parents live with in a 30 mins of us.

PROBLEM:
We were having a big get-together for father’s day – we typically have these throughout the year.
For some reason my wife – who is technologically challenged at times – forgot to put them on an email that said that we were changing the location of our get together from our typical location. They showed up at the regular place and luckily my daughter had gone there to pick up some items and so they(my parents) followed her back (15 minutes) to the new location.
They showed up really angry an, dropped of their food, and left – we apologized profusely but they left anyways.
Wife sent an email and they replied with short note saying they know we didn’t do it on purpose.

QUESTIONS:

1. Is this normal?
2. I’ve always felt like I have to walk on eggshells with parents ever since I was a little kid due to explosive anger of dad. Now I feel like I have to continue to do that – with in reason of course. (Other “kids” still have that problem with parents?)
3. Any advice?

 

[maryjk]

1. Is this normal?
2. I’ve always felt like I have to walk on eggshells with parents ever since I was a little kid due to explosive anger of dad. Now I feel like I have to continue to do that – with in reason of course. (Other “kids” still have that problem with parents?)
3. Any advice?

1)No, that is not normal. Everyone makes mistakes. Unless you regularly leave them out of emails or change places on them, this is simply a mistake that they should get over.

2)This is also not normal. No one should have to live with explosive anger.

1. I would approach/confront them about the Father’s day dinner. But then again, I wouldn’t worry about walking on eggshells. My thought is that we encourage the bad behavior if we don’t confront it or if we accept it.

 

[aloe]

There is a book called Stop Walking On Eggshells. I think you might find it an interesting read. I would also read the book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

 

[aicirt]

Both Mom and Dad were from broken homes and both sets of grandparents were alcholic.

Probably one if not both have issues regarding emotional abandonment if not physical abandonment. And there was lots of yelling going on which they took with them into their marriage because they, especially Dad, are still angry.

Have they ever talked to you about their childhood? Have you ever asked? Have they been in Al-Anon or in counseling?

My Mom would have acted out in the same way and probably for the same reasons. I would go to her, put my arms around her, look her in the eyes and tell her I loved her, she was always welcome in my home…and I would mean it. And then she’d be reassured…until the next time.

If this has never happened before…feeling that you or your wife have left them out…then you can certainly point this out to them. It was an error. An accident that was not done on purpose.

But I do think it is time to confront the elephant in the room. Might go to Mom first and Dad later but you know your parents.

 

[PatriceA]

Its “normal” for people that have the issues such as you have described your parents having. I think the question is more at what point do YOU as their adult child let go of their reaction to the situation or continue to feed the elephant in the room by continuing to apologize or talk about what occurred. You’ve apologized, your wife has apologized, you have addressed the issue. You said your parents have told you they know you didn’t leave them off the email list on purpose. If your parents truly believe you were not intentional in obmitting them from the list, then their behavior should reflect that and all is forgiven, no grudges are kept. That’s what a reasonable, mature person would do…accept the apology, understand their was no intentially harm done, and reestablish harmony in the relationship.

My husband’s parents have issues, there are times we walk a fine line on eggshells with them. We’ve gotten to the point that we apologize when we make a mistake with them or there is a misunderstanding, but once is enough. His parents are the type that they want to rehash old wounds every so often, that what was a situation we thought was handled will rear its ugly head again and we would find ourselves apologizing or making amends for something that happened 5 or so years ago. His parents will conduct themselves as if everything is great between us, but one mishap or what they perceive as an intentional slight, and we’re back to a guilt trip of epic proportions. That’s when we politely excuse ourselves from the situation. We tell them we love them, can’t wait to hear from them at a further date, but we refuse to rehash old situations over and over and over again.

There is a point with people that we have to walk on eggshells around to have to be responsible for their own behavior. The only way to stop the cycle is to no longer take responsibility for your parent’s reactions such as what occurred on Father’s Day once you apologize and you did apologize. They have to decide if they truly accept your apology and act reasonablily. Its no longer your responsibility to make them feel better about the situation every time you talk to them or see them.

 

[marysdaughter1]

There is a book called Stop Walking On Eggshells. I think you might find it an interesting read. I would also read the book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

Both of those are good books. THere is a website, too - bpdcentral.com/

 

[holyrood]

QUESTIONS:

1. Is this normal?
2. I’ve always felt like I have to walk on eggshells with parents ever since I was a little kid due to explosive anger of dad. Now I feel like I have to continue to do that – with in reason of course. (Other “kids” still have that problem with parents?)
3. Any advice?

1. No. I grew up in a family like this. I’m also heading toward mid-40s and still live in a family like this. It was a hugely eye-opening experience several years ago when I made a huge mistake at work. My boss, an older woman who escaped a Communist country with nothing and built this business up, wasn’t the least flustered or angry. We found a solution, I was shocked at how calmly she took it, thinking how my dad would pitch a fit, act like I’m an idiot, castigate me, yell, etc. I even said so. She shook her head, and said, “My husband just had triple bypass. I’m grateful he’s alive. We solved the problem. Why should this upset me?” It really helped me see that not everybody feels the need to pitch fits and keep others on edge.

And normal, no. I wouldn’t think twice if my kids did this. It was an accident, it all worked out. Normal, to me, would be making a joke about hiding from us, laughing it off, and it would continue to be a joke years from now if it was even remembered.

1. My issues may be worse than yours, I have no idea. There were screaming rages at holidays directed at me, and both parents and all siblings telling me I had to somehow take the blame for others’ rages and jump through impossible hoops to do so. It’s also an alcoholic background. But my ultimate answer was to go no contact. I based that decision in part on advice I got here, my time in al-anon, and a counselor I was seeing at the time, saying that there is no fixing some people, no making peace, no making the situation better. The only answer is physical distance. I pray for them daily, but I refuse to be subjected to their criticisms, insults, and screaming rages. I truly believe there was nothing else I could have done, and still had some peace in my life. You might look up the Adult Child of Alcoholics forum at www.soberrecovery.com

 

[Catholic_Cat]

1. No. I grew up in a family like this. I’m also heading toward mid-40s and still live in a family like this. It was a hugely eye-opening experience several years ago when I made a huge mistake at work. My boss, an older woman who escaped a Communist country with nothing and built this business up, wasn’t the least flustered or angry. We found a solution, I was shocked at how calmly she took it, thinking how my dad would pitch a fit, act like I’m an idiot, castigate me, yell, etc. I even said so. She shook her head, and said, “My husband just had triple bypass. I’m grateful he’s alive. We solved the problem. Why should this upset me?” It really helped me see that not everybody feels the need to pitch fits and keep others on edge.

And normal, no. I wouldn’t think twice if my kids did this. It was an accident, it all worked out. Normal, to me, would be making a joke about hiding from us, laughing it off, and it would continue to be a joke years from now if it was even remembered.

1. My issues may be worse than yours, I have no idea. There were screaming rages at holidays directed at me, and both parents and all siblings telling me I had to somehow take the blame for others’ rages and jump through impossible hoops to do so. It’s also an alcoholic background. But my ultimate answer was to go no contact. I based that decision in part on advice I got here, my time in al-anon, and a counselor I was seeing at the time, saying that there is no fixing some people, no making peace, no making the situation better. The only answer is physical distance. I pray for them daily, but I refuse to be subjected to their criticisms, insults, and screaming rages. I truly believe there was nothing else I could have done, and still had some peace in my life. You might look up the Adult Child of Alcoholics forum at www.soberrecovery.com

Interesting discussion. It sounds familiar to me - the screaming rages, criticisms, insults, hitting, and apologizing. I left home at 17 and my parent died just a few years after that. I’ve always wondered because for some reason I just can’t remember if my parent drank or not. I’ve also gone no contact with the crazy making rest of the family- - but over the years that’s been a very painful choice because I haven’t had a family like everybody else. How does a person deal with the pain of no family when Christmas and Easter and all the great events come around. I’m 55 and the pain has never eased off. Its feels like a real cross.

 

[aicirt]

Interesting discussion. It sounds familiar to me - the screaming rages, criticisms, insults, hitting, and apologizing. I left home at 17 and my parent died just a few years after that. I’ve always wondered because for some reason I just can’t remember if my parent drank or not. I’ve also gone no contact with the crazy making rest of the family- - but over the years that’s been a very painful choice because I haven’t had a family like everybody else. How does a person deal with the pain of no family when Christmas and Easter and all the great events come around. I’m 55 and the pain has never eased off. Its feels like a real cross.

Many people face that pain at the age you are now. Most have made friends and have them as extended family and there’s your own family…wife and kids and maybe grandkids.

The flip side of this is parents who remove themselves from crazy making kids and are alone and wonder why. Kids can be drunks and druggies and be disruptive at holidays etc. Sometimes they too have had to cut it off and, sadly, feel the loss of the crazy children over these family affairs.

 

[Catholic_Cat]

Many people face that pain at the age you are now. Most have made friends and have them as extended family and there’s your own family…wife and kids and maybe grandkids.

The flip side of this is parents who remove themselves from crazy making kids and are alone and wonder why. Kids can be drunks and druggies and be disruptive at holidays etc. Sometimes they too have had to cut it off and, sadly, feel the loss of the crazy children over these family affairs.

Yes, I know of some people at our parish struggling with their kids in this way. My crazy making family convinced my kids a couple years ago that “I” was weird and boring because I go to church and live the Catholic life. My husband, has been really tied up looking after his aging mother since his dad passed away. She needs lots of help, but she only wants it from her son, not even her other children or me. That’s a whole other pain to bear. Because I love him, I’m waiting and view it as his apostolate for now because its a heavy burden for him even though he loves her deeply. I’m becoming more active in my parish but there are still times…when I can hardly wait for Heaven (if I’m found worthy of course) which I hope so!

 

[aicirt]

Yes, I know of some people at our parish struggling with their kids in this way. My crazy making family convinced my kids a couple years ago that “I” was weird and boring because I go to church and live the Catholic life. My husband, has been really tied up looking after his aging mother since his dad passed away. She needs lots of help, but she only wants it from her son, not even her other children or me. That’s a whole other pain to bear. Because I love him, I’m waiting and view it as his apostolate for now because its a heavy burden for him even though he loves her deeply. I’m becoming more active in my parish but there are still times…when I can hardly wait for Heaven (if I’m found worthy of course) which I hope so!

You have your children and soon, hopefully, you’ll have grandchildren. You are only 55 and have a lot of living to do. None of us know how long we’ll have the ones we love or our health. These people need you. You miss your parents, think how much the kids and your husband will feel about all those future Christmases if you are not there.

For now, as the old saying goes, Heaven can wait. Think of all the things you want to do and make a bucket list.

It is wonderful of your husband to be such a good son and for you to be supportive of him. He needs to be with you too. Sometimes the elderly can act like spoiled kids and sometimes they have to stay with someone else so you two can have time together.

 

[Catholic_Cat]

You have your children and soon, hopefully, you’ll have grandchildren. You are only 55 and have a lot of living to do. None of us know how long we’ll have the ones we love or our health. These people need you. You miss your parents, think how much the kids and your husband will feel about all those future Christmases if you are not there.

For now, as the old saying goes, Heaven can wait. Think of all the things you want to do and make a bucket list.

It is wonderful of your husband to be such a good son and for you to be supportive of him. He needs to be with you too. Sometimes the elderly can act like spoiled kids and sometimes they have to stay with someone else so you two can have time together.

Thanks for your kind words!

 

[airforcemom]

My parents are 84 and 89. My 89 year old father is always making fat comments towards my husband. My husband rarely visits them anymore and I can’t blame him. My mother had hip replacement surgery last year and spent 2 weeks in the hospital and 6-7 weeks in rehab - we brought to their farm in my Odyssey and all I’ve heard is that getting in that van caused her an additional 3+ months of pain. I now have an F-150 so I know she won’t be riding with me ever. All my life I’ve never done anything right but I’m the one who is the closest around to help - my brother shows up when they are having surgery or doing really bad that it looks close to the end - can’t fault him because he is military but he was the smart to leave. I brought my grandchildren to see them last week which I know my dad enjoyed seeing the boys but I couldn’t wait to leave. I feel bad for my feelings but I know they talk about me and my husband. When does go out to the farm to help I give him food to leave in his truck so he can eat when he is alone and not eat much in their house. It is really a sad situation which I wish I could say was due to their age but I’m 61 and they have been like this ever since I can remember. I pray I am not like that with my children - which they say I’m not - they told me if I were like my mother they would have run away from home.

 

[aicirt]

My parents are 84 and 89. My 89 year old father is always making fat comments towards my husband. My husband rarely visits them anymore and I can’t blame him. My mother had hip replacement surgery last year and spent 2 weeks in the hospital and 6-7 weeks in rehab - we brought to their farm in my Odyssey and all I’ve heard is that getting in that van caused her an additional 3+ months of pain. I now have an F-150 so I know she won’t be riding with me ever. All my life I’ve never done anything right but I’m the one who is the closest around to help - my brother shows up when they are having surgery or doing really bad that it looks close to the end - can’t fault him because he is military but he was the smart to leave. I brought my grandchildren to see them last week which I know my dad enjoyed seeing the boys but I couldn’t wait to leave. I feel bad for my feelings but I know they talk about me and my husband. When does go out to the farm to help I give him food to leave in his truck so he can eat when he is alone and not eat much in their house. It is really a sad situation which I wish I could say was due to their age but I’m 61 and they have been like this ever since I can remember. I pray I am not like that with my children - which they say I’m not - they told me if I were like my mother they would have run away from home.

Interesting because many of my friends and I have similiar experiences with people of that era. For some reason they feel free to say anything they like when they like with no consideration regarding another’s feelings. And there no nice to the people closest to them. We haven’t been able to figure out if it was the Depression, WWII or what.

 

[Catholic_Cat]

Interesting because many of my friends and I have similiar experiences with people of that era. For some reason they feel free to say anything they like when they like with no consideration regarding another’s feelings. And there no nice to the people closest to them. We haven’t been able to figure out if it was the Depression, WWII or what.

I have so often wondered that myself… when my husband’s dad was dying of cancer, we all grew very close and helped day and night especially when toward the end. We were on their speed dial and dropped everything anytime to take him up to the hospital to treatments etc. - he was so grateful and so humble and so loving… it brought the deepest love and so much kindness in me I didn’t even recognize myself. And marvelled at how such suffering could result in so much love for another person. During this time his mother was in denial about his cancer about his pending death, absolutely hostile to hospice care workers coming to the house, delivery people bringing medicine, and so hateful to him for being sick. She said the most hateful things to him. Yet she was kind to us and accepted our hugs and help telling us she loved us. But as soon as he died, she accused me of being in love with her husband, taking over their lives, telling her what to do, etc. All that hate poured out on me to the point I couldn’t be around her anymore. My poor husband takes the brunt all alone because she doesn’t want anyone else around her. Sometimes she is kind to him even loving and other times he comes home crying yet he can’t abandon her. What’s really hard for me is that she is like a spoiled child, has him on speed dial and calls for every little thing even how to turn the tv on. Its a major strain on us. Yet somehow we’ve stayed united as a couple - by the grace of God I’m sure. But I feel like the other women most of the time as she demands front and centre. Its a horrible place to be. I don’t take it out on him, I just bear it because she’s 78 has already fallen and had a hip replaced. My priest says what I didn’t dare utter, that she can’t live forever… (or can she —???)

 

[aicirt]

I have so often wondered that myself… when my husband’s dad was dying of cancer, we all grew very close and helped day and night especially when toward the end. We were on their speed dial and dropped everything anytime to take him up to the hospital to treatments etc. - he was so grateful and so humble and so loving… it brought the deepest love and so much kindness in me I didn’t even recognize myself. And marvelled at how such suffering could result in so much love for another person. During this time his mother was in denial about his cancer about his pending death, absolutely hostile to hospice care workers coming to the house, delivery people bringing medicine, and so hateful to him for being sick. She said the most hateful things to him. Yet she was kind to us and accepted our hugs and help telling us she loved us. But as soon as he died, she accused me of being in love with her husband, taking over their lives, telling her what to do, etc. All that hate poured out on me to the point I couldn’t be around her anymore. My poor husband takes the brunt all alone because she doesn’t want anyone else around her. Sometimes she is kind to him even loving and other times he comes home crying yet he can’t abandon her. What’s really hard for me is that she is like a spoiled child, has him on speed dial and calls for every little thing even how to turn the tv on. Its a major strain on us. Yet somehow we’ve stayed united as a couple - by the grace of God I’m sure. But I feel like the other women most of the time as she demands front and centre. Its a horrible place to be. I don’t take it out on him, I just bear it because she’s 78 has already fallen and had a hip replaced. My priest says what I didn’t dare utter, that she can’t live forever… (or can she —???)

Has the doctor checked her out completely? Friends had to tell me they thought my Mom was losing it. I can’t even remember why I took her to an Alzheimer’s specialist but she was diagnosed with the disease. It is an extremely easy test. Just a series of questions they’re asked to answer.

That was on one level, Simultaneously,a friend who is a psychologist, happened to observe her behaviour and told me she though Mom had a personality disorder. For the first time in my life, someone had put a label on her crazy, egotistical, narcissistic behavior. I was so relieved. All this time I was trying to be the good daughter.

So now there were two things going at the same time. I was handling it until she acted out. I took her to the Alzheimer’s specialist, whom she was seeing every three months, and told him that if something wasn’t done, she’d have to go into a nursing home. (She was still living on her own.) He immediately put her on Seroquel (sp?). Within 24 hrs. she was manageable…no acting out, no accussing people of ridiculous things, calm and pleasant. She remained on it for the rest of her life.

Her doctor was a gereatric physician specializing in Alzheimer’s. He was doing research in to the disease and had access to the newer drugs.

Your husband, I hope, realizes that this is a very stressful on him and on you.

 

[Catholic_Cat]

Has the doctor checked her out completely? Friends had to tell me they thought my Mom was losing it. I can’t even remember why I took her to an Alzheimer’s specialist but she was diagnosed with the disease. It is an extremely easy test. Just a series of questions they’re asked to answer.

That was on one level, Simultaneously,a friend who is a psychologist, happened to observe her behaviour and told me she though Mom had a personality disorder. For the first time in my life, someone had put a label on her crazy, egotistical, narcissistic behavior. I was so relieved. All this time I was trying to be the good daughter.

So now there were two things going at the same time. I was handling it until she acted out. I took her to the Alzheimer’s specialist, whom she was seeing every three months, and told him that if something wasn’t done, she’d have to go into a nursing home. (She was still living on her own.) He immediately put her on Seroquel (sp?). Within 24 hrs. she was manageable…no acting out, no accussing people of ridiculous things, calm and pleasant. She remained on it for the rest of her life.

Her doctor was a gereatric physician specializing in Alzheimer’s. He was doing research in to the disease and had access to the newer drugs.

Your husband, I hope, realizes that this is a very stressful on him and on you.

Its so nice to talk to someone whose been through it! We thought as much last year and had her family doctor test her. But his mom was having a good day mentally and threw a tantrum in the doctors office demanding to know what the doctor was doing. So the doctor told her and blamed us for putting him up to it. She was so abusive with both of us for months after that. And my husband felt so guilty he hated himself for a while. We talked to the palliative care nurses who had looked after his dad, and they checked into things behind the scenes for us, since they had been on the receiving end of all this nasty stuff too. Basically what we were told is that if she won’t move into a nursing home on her own, and refuses the testing, then we have to wait for her to fail on her own end up in the hospital and then the hospital won’t release her back to her home but will insist she goes into nursing care. So we’re waiting right now. My poor husband with his tremendous guilt about having to let her fail, he worries sick and calls her many times every day to make sure she’s okay. He can’t seem to help himself. I can just can’t press him about it because he’s under so much stress already. Anyway that’s our sad saga and crosses to bear right now.

Its funny at noon mass I thought father was speaking directly to me today. He spoke about its easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get to heaven… you know the one. It was a great sermon about leaving our burdens, etc behind and how we need to lay things down now. I had recently read lectio divina and I practiced the contemptation on this for the rest of the day.

 

[Catholic_Cat]

Its so nice to talk to someone whose been through it! We thought as much last year and had her family doctor test her. But his mom was having a good day mentally and threw a tantrum in the doctors office demanding to know what the doctor was doing. So the doctor told her and blamed us for putting him up to it. She was so abusive with both of us for months after that. And my husband felt so guilty he hated himself for a while. We talked to the palliative care nurses who had looked after his dad, and they checked into things behind the scenes for us, since they had been on the receiving end of all this nasty stuff too. Basically what we were told is that if she won’t move into a nursing home on her own, and refuses the testing, then we have to wait for her to fail on her own end up in the hospital and then the hospital won’t release her back to her home but will insist she goes into nursing care. So we’re waiting right now. My poor husband with his tremendous guilt about having to let her fail, he worries sick and calls her many times every day to make sure she’s okay. He can’t seem to help himself. I can just can’t press him about it because he’s under so much stress already. Anyway that’s our sad saga and crosses to bear right now.

Its funny at noon mass I thought father was speaking directly to me today. He spoke about its easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get to heaven… you know the one. It was a great sermon about leaving our burdens, etc behind and how we need to lay things down now. I had recently read lectio divina and I practiced the contemptation on this for the rest of the day.

I was curious if there’s any men out there that have been through this from the mans perspective. Its hard for my husband to talk about all this.

 

[aicirt]

Its so nice to talk to someone whose been through it! We thought as much last year and had her family doctor test her. But his mom was having a good day mentally and threw a tantrum in the doctors office demanding to know what the doctor was doing. So the doctor told her and blamed us for putting him up to it. She was so abusive with both of us for months after that. And my husband felt so guilty he hated himself for a while. We talked to the palliative care nurses who had looked after his dad, and they checked into things behind the scenes for us, since they had been on the receiving end of all this nasty stuff too. Basically what we were told is that if she won’t move into a nursing home on her own, and refuses the testing, then we have to wait for her to fail on her own end up in the hospital and then the hospital won’t release her back to her home but will insist she goes into nursing care. So we’re waiting right now. My poor husband with his tremendous guilt about having to let her fail, he worries sick and calls her many times every day to make sure she’s okay. He can’t seem to help himself. I can just can’t press him about it because he’s under so much stress already. Anyway that’s our sad saga and crosses to bear right now.

Its funny at noon mass I thought father was speaking directly to me today. He spoke about its easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get to heaven… you know the one. It was a great sermon about leaving our burdens, etc behind and how we need to lay things down now. I had recently read lectio divina and I practiced the contemptation on this for the rest of the day.

I was told “It has to get worse for it to get better”.
What about getting one of those alarms she can wear around her neck or as a bracelet? Red Cross has a program. If anything happens, she can buzz and some one will answer and either call you or send an ambulance. Your husband can than stop calling so much.

Did you ask the doctor why, with your observations, the nurses, and his, he was not able to prescribe an anti-depressant at least?
I’d try the Alzheimer’s association and see what suggestions they can offer. Also ask them if there’s a support group for caregiveres. (We have one at the church too). Your husband will benefit hearing from others going through same. And you might want to start interviewing nursing homes now so you’ll know excatly which one you want when the time comes.

 

[Catholic_Cat]

I was told “It has to get worse for it to get better”.
What about getting one of those alarms she can wear around her neck or as a bracelet? Red Cross has a program. If anything happens, she can buzz and some one will answer and either call you or send an ambulance. Your husband can than stop calling so much.

Did you ask the doctor why, with your observations, the nurses, and his, he was not able to prescribe an anti-depressant at least?
I’d try the Alzheimer’s association and see what suggestions they can offer. Also ask them if there’s a support group for caregiveres. (We have one at the church too). Your husband will benefit hearing from others going through same. And you might want to start interviewing nursing homes now so you’ll know excatly which one you want when the time comes.

Oh my goodness! Thank you for the great advise …we’re so much in the fog that we can’t see the obvious. Yes I’m going to look into these things right away.