Middle child

[Lea101]

Just a random question!

Does anyone feel like the middle child don’t get as much love or attention? Or those who have kids-What is it about the middle child that makes you not so “interested” in him/her as opposed to the oldest or youngest.

Don’t mean to sound depressing at all, honestly. I don’t resent my parents for it but I remember just being upset that I never really got any attention. I guess it was one of the factors that made me self harm+restrict food, thinking back. It was never really that bad though. Just that nobody seemed to want to hear my opinion or understand my feelings. I used to understand that the youngest needs the most love and attention but then I realised the oldest was getting that too. It was really confusing to me A priest I know went through the same thing, he didn’t really help though. He just said that it’s very normal and I shouldn’t worry about it too much

Hopefully the problem was just that, not because there’s something wrong about me :ehh: I’m a handful sometimes

 

[Viki63]

I’m pretty sure there’s nothing wrong with you,

I’m the oldest of four. Each birth order has problems attached to it – I was always expected to be the mature one, be perfect, and blaze the way for the kids following me. So my parents came down hard on me, but became more laissez faire with each kid who followed.
And I was hard on my first born, which I regret. He got a lot of attention, but it wasn’t always positive. My expectations were too high – of course he’s a high achiever, and his brother is a clown and people pleaser. That’s how it goes

They do say middle children have a hard row to hoe, as you say. The oldest is new and gets lots of attention, then the middles come along, and the last is the baby so is catered to more.
If it’s any consolation, younger children often have a harder time achieving success, and older children feel pushed into growing up too soon, And by the time parents realize they may not have done things the way they intended, it’s too late to go back and change things.

God, however, is paying close attention to you, and loves you as if you were the only person on earth.

.

 

[Trident_H]

I was second in line. Of 4. And yeah. I was probably ignored more than the others. But it was maybe some of my doing too. But when my brother went away I ended up the oldest. So I sort of had a mixed upbringing with that.

I don’t know what else I’m trying to say here.

 

[Lea101]

I was second in line. Of 4. And yeah. I was probably ignored more than the others. But it was maybe some of my doing too. But when my brother went away I ended up the oldest. So I sort of had a mixed upbringing with that.

I don’t know what else I’m trying to say here.

I’m the older sister, so I was treated like the oldest sometimes. But yeah i get ignored most of the time. It’s so confusing. I need constant attention

 

[Usige]

I think it really depends on the family. My wife and I have 5 ‘middle children’ and we don’t lavish more time on them other than when they are little and can’t do thing for themselves. We try to spend one on one time with each of them throughout the week. We also don’t treat the oldest as more important simply because of when they are born either. In many ways they are treated more harshly when they interrupt when one of their younger siblings is talking about their day.

My wife was an only child and I was the youngest of 5, so for middles that feel they got short thrift what in particular do you feel signaled that you were less important or more ignored? We all have our own perceptions that might be different from our other siblings. One of my middle sisters swears that I got away with everything, whereas another one (closer to my age) says we got away with nothing because my older siblings had already done it all.

As said by another, each birth order has it’s own challenges. Yes it is possible that middles get short thrift, but I don’t think it is a given that it will or must happen.

 

[Gliggle]

Hi,

I think what you are describing is a real thing that often occurs due to the natural dynamics of families. I am the mother of two (three year old and 8 month old) and already I see this pattern occurring in my home. It is a source of concern and guilt for me.

Some of it is practical, you simply cannot give as much attention to the second child as the first, simply because you are now so busy now caring for the two. I try to address this by nurturing the relationship between the siblings so that my youngest gets plenty of attention from my oldest when I am busy (which works some days and other days not).

Psychologically the two have very different expectations from me, my eldest will NOT accept being ignored for long. This is part personality and part throw over from when she was the only child, and if she was in need I dropped everything and ran. My second has no expectation of this, because I was so busy he quickly learnt to settle and calm himself as an infant, so in many ways he is already much more emotionally self sufficient than my three year old ever was, and will wait much longer for attention from me, with the result that i often spend more times attending to the older sisters needs which always seem more immediate and more complex.

I believe this pattern will continue… I honestly do not have more interest in my oldest, but I do perceive and hence address more of her needs. Perhaps this is wrong, but I think middle children do develop a natural resilience which leaves them with less direct attention from their parents, a cycle, which I am certain, can continue well into adulthood.

My older daughter will hit all major developmental milestones before my younger son, needing a lot of guidance and support from me (who will also be learning how to handle these milestones too) he will see her go through all of it (for instance toilet training, first day of school, puberty) and already know what to expect in some ways, and by the time he is facing those milestones, I will also have the skills to handle it more efficiently with him. He will continually require less guidance and attention from me in many ways. It is certainly not because I love him less though.

So my short answer is, often middle children just seem less needy than older children to their parents. There is a body of scientific research around how your familial position influences your state of mind and even your likely profession later in life. It may help you to read about this stuff to know it’s not just you. Your parents likely love you just as much as your siblings, but may have perceived you as less needy and hence missed some of your more quiet and sadly unmet needs.

As an oldest child myself, I can assure you this position also comes with its own difficulties, hurts and resentments and inbuilt anxieties, I am definitely the most needy of my five siblings even today and it’s probably not a coincidence. Also my experience is very similar to Viki63, I am a high achiever yet none of my so called achievements I ever really wanted or valued, because I was pushed into them, and my parents were always so hard on me but my brothers and sisters got away with so many things. I still don’t understand freedom the way my siblings do…

Your experience is interesting to me, I don’t want any of my children to feel unloved because of receiving less attention. I don’t want to miss my sons needs becau he is so quiet . I love them both very much and mostly I am just trying to get them through each day fed, sheltered and learning with minimal tears.

 

[signit]

My mother was the middle of three sisters, and she joked that she was neglected for that reason. The oldest got attention because she was growing up to be a young lady, and the youngest because she was the youngest.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

Or those who have kids-What is it about the middle child that makes you not so “interested” in him/her as opposed to the oldest or youngest.

A child’s temperament has the largest effect on the way they are treated. Any level of interest is usually based on how the parent and child mesh. One parent may be more willing to help a certain child than the other parent is.

A parent may not be as willing to chart new territory with a child other than the oldest. The youngest, or last in line, may get everything that is left; or nothing, if nothing is left.

 

[misspriss]

I was a middle child and honestly, I don’t feel like I got any less attention because of it. My older sister and I were close so we got a lot of attention “together” though. I will admit my parents were harder on her discipline wise than they were on me.

Our younger sister was so much younger than us, it was sorta like I as just the younger of two for a while. By the time she was born we were pretty self sufficient and didn’t want as much “attention”. It was like my little sister grew up with a totally different set of rules and such than we did though!

 

[Lea101]

what in particular do you feel signaled that you were less important or more ignored? We all have our own perceptions that might be different from our other siblings.

Like when I am telling my mom + my older siblings about my day, and one of them will interrupt and start talking and it’s like I was not in the room at all. Sometimes my brother will be like “nobody cares” (although I do understand he was just teasing but hey, it’s not a nice feeling). Or I just notice my mother not having the patience to talk to me. (My dad was not really part of my life until recently, he was rather quiet) I’m the 3rd child out of 4, so there’s another “middle child” but he was the cute and funny one so he got the attention, although not as much as the oldest/youngest I guess. My mother started noticing I was locking myself in the room/not talking much, but then she passed away (But that’s not the point!) middle children don’t seem to require attention in the eyes of the parents!

 

[Lea101]

Your experience is interesting to me, I don’t want any of my children to feel unloved because of receiving less attention. I don’t want to miss my sons needs becau he is so quiet . I love them both very much and mostly I am just trying to get them through each day fed, sheltered and learning with minimal tears.

I’m no mom (I’m 18) but the teenage years is probably the period you want to pay the most attention. We might act like we don’t need our parents, but that’s because we are too proud to admit that we need them the most

 

[Kay_Cee]

I’m a middle child, and boy did I get ignored. I could disappear at family gatherings, and nobody would even notice I’d been gone for hours.

Since this is the subject, here’s a little something I’m working on for my blog, Reflections on My Catholic Journey, that I plan to post in late April:

*I once read a book about birth order and how it affects an individual's personality. Since I am a middle child, I was interested in seeing what this book had to say about me. After reading several chapters devoted to the firstborn, I eagerly turned the page, only to be confronted with a lone chapter all of one sentence long. It essentially said that since middle children are ignored, the author was going to ignore them too—which should of course be fine with us because we're used to it.

Gee, thanks.

My parents had three girls and then a boy. I was the middle girl, and I have to admit being born in that order was a good way to get ignored. I wasn't the oldest, I wasn't the youngest girl, and I wasn't a boy. Nothing special about me at all.

The worst of it was the one day of the year that's supposed to be your day: your birthday. It's like getting a Christmas all for yourself.

Or at least it's supposed to be.

Not only did I have the misfortune to be born in the middle, I happened to come at the wrong time of year. My older sister's birthday was in November. Then came Christmas. My younger siblings both had their birthdays in January, and my parents' fell in February.

And, as far as everybody was concerned, that ended the gift-giving season. The wrapping paper and cards were packed away, and a sigh of relief was breathed at the idea of not having to shop for any more gifts as we ventured into Lent.

But after that, like a lone star flung off from a galaxy, my birthday came near the end of April. 

Getting your birthday ignored isn't such a big deal when you're an adult. But when you're a kid, it's almost as if you have been forgotten.

Take, for example, the day I turned eight. This was one birthday I was so looking forward to because it was going to be super special. My birthday was falling on Easter that year!

Wow! A double whammy! Birthday cake and chocolate bunny! Gifts and an Easter basket! I was so excited when I woke up that morning.

Sure enough, there was an Easter basket full of goodies. In addition, we each got a toy stuffed rabbit. Because it was my birthday, my mother said, I got the bunny that was a bit bigger than the rest.

That was it. No cake adorned with candles to blow out. No ice cream. No other presents. No cards. Nobody even said "Happy birthday."

There's an old black and white photo of me holding the bunny and looking like I'm ready to burst into tears. I remember my parents were upset with me because I was having trouble smiling for the camera.

After that, I began to have a lot of sympathy for kids whose birthdays fall on holidays, especially Christmas. And, most especially of all, I began to have sympathy for the one Kid Who is the reason we celebrate Christmas.

I'm so glad December 25 is a Holy Day of Obligation in the Catholic Church. We should be giving reverence to the Person whose birthday we're celebrating. I can't understand why some Protestant churches are closed that day, even if they claim it's so their members can spend more time with their families. Believe me, I spent plenty of time with my family that Easter day, but so little of it (just the toy bunny being biggest) was about the birthday girl, and it was a painful loss.

The next year my parents announced that the two of them would be vacationing in Mexico that week. Only when I began sobbing uncontrollably did they decide to change their plans.

Well, at least we always did go to Mass on Christmas.

And, in case you're wondering, I still have the stuffed bunny. It's the only toy from my childhood that I still have.*

 

[jmjZelie]

I am the oldest and I always got the least attention. It has nothing to do with birth order, but with how needy particular children are, or how self-sufficient they appear to be (noting that appearances can be deceiving), the temperament of the parents and the temperaments of their children. It is usually not a difference in love, but rather a difference in type of connection, unless it is a situation where selfish parents are obviously favoring one child over the others. Those situations of favoritism are not the norm. Circumstances can also factor in, such as if one child has a serious illness or disability, or if the family goes through a financial crisis, like a bankruptcy or business failure. That can blind parents to the emotional needs of one or more of their children, if they are focused so intensely on survival.

My oldest daughter struggles with a temptation to feel unloved, or not loved enough. She needs more reassurance than her younger siblings. She honestly needs more love than what is humanly possible to give to her. I am working with her on an ongoing basis to help her take her longing for love and security to the Lord as often as she feels tempted to believe she is unloved. She needs to find herself and her true value in her relationship with God who loves her and made her. She also has struggled with a temptation to self-punish.

“Thou hast made us for thyself, Lord. Our souls will not rest until they rest in Thee.”
St. Augustine

You might want to consider if you simply have a temperament that needs more reassurances and attention than other temperaments. It is my belief that God creates souls with a larger need for love so that the soul will quickly realize that humans cannot fill that need and will turn to Him. I imagine it like God gives everyone a cup that only He can pour Himself into, but some people start with a bigger cup, so such people feel thirstier at an early age.

You were made for love. You were made for a greater love than what your earthly parents can provide, even if they were to be incredibly diligent. Bring your thirst for love to God, and learn to forgive your parents for their shortcomings.

 

[Trident_H]

I’m the older sister, so I was treated like the oldest sometimes. But yeah i get ignored most of the time. It’s so confusing. I need constant attention

lol I know the feeling

Hang out here. We’ll give it to ya!

 

[SilverLight]

I have no siblings but I have many cousins and the same thing kind of applies to us in this situation I feel. I am the 4th oldest out of all the cousins. I do get attention but the youngest one does seem to get more then others at times. I think some people just have their favorite also.

 

[Sneaux]

I’m the youngest, but in my family the oldest gets the least attention, and the middle child is basically the golden child.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Just a random question!..Or those who have kids-What is it about the middle child that makes you not so “interested” in him/her as opposed to the oldest or youngest.
…

We have eight children, and that means we have six children in the middle.

The reality is that we spent time alone with our first born before the others were born. Just about everything he did was a “first” for us, so it was new and exciting to participate in and to watch. The things he did were “firsts” for us as parents too. Like most humans, newer often feels more exciting and challenging than the familiar same-old, been-there, done-that, kind of stuff.

As to the youngest getting more attention-- all things being equal, younger children require more care than older children. The same child requires more care at 1 year than at three years, and more at eight years than at eleven years, typically. With younger siblings in the mix, the parent has a younger child who simply needs more care. As a parent, I try to give each child what they need–and the youngest is generally the neediest (apart from illness, etc.) The baby of the family is usually the neediest, until such time as the next baby arrives. Within nine months, a youngest child may turn into a middle-child. Once the babies stop arriving, the youngest still remains the neediest.

**Perhaps the problem with “middle children” in today’s society is that there aren’t enough of you. **In a family of three children, that’s one of three who get less attention. In my family, we’re now with 6 of 8 who are middle children for a ratio of 3:4. Middle children are in the majority here!

---

A few more reflections about this subject from my parenting perspective:

I’m getting older, and we know that our youngest is likely to be our last child, so I can savor some of these experiences because I don’t have younger children demanding my attention. She gets more attention* from the others too–and even though she’s shy, she’s growing up in an environment where she gets lots of attention, so she’s used to it. And since you’re the second child who feels somehow slighted for attention, as a side comment I’m going to say that at one point I thought we were “done” at two children–so I savored some of the experiences of my second baby the same way I did the first and the last. I wish I’d been able to savor them all *that way, but alas I’m human. I get tired and worn-out. I can’t emphasize enough to you that parents are human!

 

[jmjZelie]

We have eight children, and that means we have six children in the middle.

The reality is that we spent time alone with our first born before the others were born. Just about everything he did was a “first” for us, so it was new and exciting to participate in and to watch. The things he did were “firsts” for us as parents too. Like most humans, newer often feels more exciting and challenging than the familiar same-old, been-there, done-that, kind of stuff.

As to the youngest getting more attention-- all things being equal, younger children require more care than older children. The same child requires more care at 1 year than at three years, and more at eight years than at eleven years, typically. With younger siblings in the mix, the parent has a younger child who simply needs more care. As a parent, I try to give each child what they need–and the youngest is generally the neediest (apart from illness, etc.) The baby of the family is usually the neediest, until such time as the next baby arrives. Within nine months, a youngest child may turn into a middle-child. Once the babies stop arriving, the youngest still remains the neediest.

**Perhaps the problem with “middle children” in today’s society is that there aren’t enough of you. **In a family of three children, that’s one of three who get less attention. In my family, we’re now with 6 of 8 who are middle children for a ratio of 3:4. Middle children are in the majority here!

---

A few more reflections about this subject from my parenting perspective:

I’m getting older, and we know that our youngest is likely to be our last child, so I can savor some of these experiences because I don’t have younger children demanding my attention. She gets more attention* from the others too–and even though she’s shy, she’s growing up in an environment where she gets lots of attention, so she’s used to it. And since you’re the second child who feels somehow slighted for attention, as a side comment I’m going to say that at one point I thought we were “done” at two children–so I savored some of the experiences of my second baby the same way I did the first and the last. I wish I’d been able to savor them all *that way, but alas I’m human. I get tired and worn-out. I can’t emphasize enough to you that parents are human!

Yes. The experience of being an “only” middle child is likely part of the difficulty, now that I think of it. We have three middle children and that number looks likely to increase. None of them can claim the “middle child syndrome”, because there are so many of them.
So it really would become obvious that it is other factors that contribute to the disconnect, like those that Monicad mentions, and not merely being the middle child.

My mother still complains to this day that she was not loved enough by her parents, who already had a daughter and who really wanted a son, which they got “on their third try”. Though she admits that they never said any such thing. She also complains that she is not loved enough by her husband(s) or by her children. It is exhausting and I had to stop trying to prove to her that she is loved. She has carried this middle child/unwanted child thing way too far and has become bitter about it.

That is why I have worked so hard with my children to figure out their love language and their temperament as best as I can, and to train them in prayer from an early age, including teaching them how much God loves them (showing them Jesus’ arms outstretched on the Cross). I know how damaging it can be to believe, however true or untrue, that one’s parents did not want one or love one enough.

For what it is worth, my father kicked me and my mom out when I was less than one year old and my adoptive stepfather did not allow me to live at home after I graduated from high school. He no longer acknowledges me as his child once his marriage to my mother ended. My mother is so wrapped up in whether or not she is loved enough that she is incapable of loving me, whom she believes doesn’t love her enough. So I get it. It hurts to be unloved by one’s parents. And it hurts to believe that one is unloved even if that is not the truth. We must turn to God and forgive our parents. It is the only way to make sense of any of it and to find peace.

 

[Sarcelle]

Try being the child with special needs and your siblings are overachievers. I felt like I was damaged goods and not good enough to be part of the family.

 

[Gliggle]

I’m no mom (I’m 18) but the teenage years is probably the period you want to pay the most attention. We might act like we don’t need our parents, but that’s because we are too proud to admit that we need them the most

Thankyou Lea, I will definitely try to remember that.

Also I am so sorry to hear about your mother. You are both in my prayers.