Middle child

[Lea101]

Try being the child with special needs and your siblings are overachievers. I felt like I was damaged goods and not good enough to be part of the family.

you are always good enough to us

 

[Usige]

Like when I am telling my mom + my older siblings about my day, and one of them will interrupt and start talking and it’s like I was not in the room at all. Sometimes my brother will be like “nobody cares” (although I do understand he was just teasing but hey, it’s not a nice feeling). Or I just notice my mother not having the patience to talk to me. (My dad was not really part of my life until recently, he was rather quiet) I’m the 3rd child out of 4, so there’s another “middle child” but he was the cute and funny one so he got the attention, although not as much as the oldest/youngest I guess. My mother started noticing I was locking myself in the room/not talking much, but then she passed away (But that’s not the point!) middle children don’t seem to require attention in the eyes of the parents!

Thanks for sharing and I am sorry that you felt neglected. With my children when they interrupt we stop the interrupter and tell them that their brother or sister was talking and they can speak once the other is done. It doesn’t matter if they are the youngest, oldest or somewhere in the middle.

I wouldn’t say that parents don’t think middles require attention. As others have said it’s often a matter of how the parents and children interact. I am fairly introverted so my two more extroverted middles can be wearing on me. I still love them, but 15 minutes of “dad, dad, did you see… dad, dad watch this… dad, dad did you know…” and I start feeling exhausted. Some of my other kids in the middle like to sit and talk while playing with Legos or cuddle up and read books. Their quiet energy matches my personality more. It is not that I am more or less interested, but rather a match of natures. I still spend time with my extroverts ever if it is tiring.

Even growing up I tended to withdraw to my room to get out of the hustle and bustle of my siblings. Since my mom is also introverted she would not see that as a reaction to being ignored, but just me trying to find a way to recharge. If you tend to be introverted then your parents aren’t necessarily trying to ignore you, but might think they are respecting your space. We can’t expect our parents, spouses or anyone to be mind readers. If you don’t feel like your needs are being met then you need to let that person know. My kids have all let me know if they want a special day out with me or my wife. Some want them once a month, others once a quarter, and our oldest two maybe once or twice a year. My point though is it is driven by them.

 

[Sarcelle]

you are always good enough to us

Thank you.

 

[Xantippe]

I haven’t read the thread yet, but here are some thoughts:

1. I’m the oldest of three children and we ourselves have three children, so this family configuration is very familiar to me. When I was growing up, my dad definitely had the most to offer me vis a vis academics, but once I was out of the nest, he put a lot less effort into my younger siblings’ academics (to the point where my youngest sibling’s high school record was pretty disastrous).
2. Here’s a humorous explanation of the change in parenting style from first to third babies that partly explains #1:

popsugar.com/moms/Difference-Between-First-Second-Third-Babies-5441417

1. I’m close to my sis (the middle child) and here are some of the gripes of heard from her over the years about her place in the birth order:
   –by the time she got stuff, it was pretty used
   –baby brother got away with a lot more (in fact, our parents barely knew what he was doing)
   –baby brother got given a car–something we older children did not get
   –baby brother wasn’t expected to work as much in the family business
   –she didn’t get the financial help with college that I (the oldest child) got
2. Now that I’ve had a family of three kids for several years (spaced roughly the same as the one I grew up in), I have new insights into my family of origin.
   –with a first child, everything they do at every age is new to me
   –so on the one hand, it’s more interesting, but on the other hand, I’m less prepared to deal with it
   –in our particular family, our oldest child is mildly autistic and hence needs a lot from us
   –my middle kid is the “good kid” and the “easy kid” and it’s easy to backburner him
   –unlike the other two kids, he doesn’t loudly announce his needs, so I need to be proactive in investigating what they are–and I don’t always get around to doing that
   –Baby Girl is the youngest, and keeping her alive and in clean diapers occupies at least 50% of my mental energy

So, there are certain things there that are specific just to our family, but other things that are common.

Just a random question!

Does anyone feel like the middle child don’t get as much love or attention? Or those who have kids-What is it about the middle child that makes you not so “interested” in him/her as opposed to the oldest or youngest.

Don’t mean to sound depressing at all, honestly. I don’t resent my parents for it but I remember just being upset that I never really got any attention. I guess it was one of the factors that made me self harm+restrict food, thinking back. It was never really that bad though. Just that nobody seemed to want to hear my opinion or understand my feelings. I used to understand that the youngest needs the most love and attention but then I realised the oldest was getting that too. It was really confusing to me A priest I know went through the same thing, he didn’t really help though. He just said that it’s very normal and I shouldn’t worry about it too much

Hopefully the problem was just that, not because there’s something wrong about me :ehh: I’m a handful sometimes

 

[Lea101]

My kids have all let me know if they want a special day out with me or my wife. Some want them once a month, others once a quarter, and our oldest two maybe once or twice a year. My point though is it is driven by them.

That’s such a sweet idea. Will definitely do that if I have kids in the future

 

[Xantippe]

I’m pretty sure there’s nothing wrong with you,

I’m the oldest of four. Each birth order has problems attached to it – I was always expected to be the mature one, be perfect, and blaze the way for the kids following me. So my parents came down hard on me, but became more laissez faire with each kid who followed.
And I was hard on my first born, which I regret. He got a lot of attention, but it wasn’t always positive. My expectations were too high – of course he’s a high achiever, and his brother is a clown and people pleaser. That’s how it goes

They do say middle children have a hard row to hoe, as you say. The oldest is new and gets lots of attention, then the middles come along, and the last is the baby so is catered to more.
If it’s any consolation, younger children often have a harder time achieving success, and older children feel pushed into growing up too soon, And by the time parents realize they may not have done things the way they intended, it’s too late to go back and change things.

God, however, is paying close attention to you, and loves you as if you were the only person on earth.

.

Yes.

 

[Xantippe]

Hi,

I think what you are describing is a real thing that often occurs due to the natural dynamics of families. I am the mother of two (three year old and 8 month old) and already I see this pattern occurring in my home. It is a source of concern and guilt for me.

Some of it is practical, you simply cannot give as much attention to the second child as the first, simply because you are now so busy now caring for the two. I try to address this by nurturing the relationship between the siblings so that my youngest gets plenty of attention from my oldest when I am busy (which works some days and other days not).

Psychologically the two have very different expectations from me, my eldest will NOT accept being ignored for long. This is part personality and part throw over from when she was the only child, and if she was in need I dropped everything and ran. My second has no expectation of this, because I was so busy he quickly learnt to settle and calm himself as an infant, so in many ways he is already much more emotionally self sufficient than my three year old ever was, and will wait much longer for attention from me, with the result that i often spend more times attending to the older sisters needs which always seem more immediate and more complex.

I believe this pattern will continue… I honestly do not have more interest in my oldest, but I do perceive and hence address more of her needs. Perhaps this is wrong, but I think middle children do develop a natural resilience which leaves them with less direct attention from their parents, a cycle, which I am certain, can continue well into adulthood.

My older daughter will hit all major developmental milestones before my younger son, needing a lot of guidance and support from me (who will also be learning how to handle these milestones too) he will see her go through all of it (for instance toilet training, first day of school, puberty) and already know what to expect in some ways, and by the time he is facing those milestones, I will also have the skills to handle it more efficiently with him. He will continually require less guidance and attention from me in many ways. It is certainly not because I love him less though.

So my short answer is, often middle children just seem less needy than older children to their parents. There is a body of scientific research around how your familial position influences your state of mind and even your likely profession later in life. It may help you to read about this stuff to know it’s not just you. Your parents likely love you just as much as your siblings, but may have perceived you as less needy and hence missed some of your more quiet and sadly unmet needs.

As an oldest child myself, I can assure you this position also comes with its own difficulties, hurts and resentments and inbuilt anxieties, I am definitely the most needy of my five siblings even today and it’s probably not a coincidence. Also my experience is very similar to Viki63, I am a high achiever yet none of my so called achievements I ever really wanted or valued, because I was pushed into them, and my parents were always so hard on me but my brothers and sisters got away with so many things. I still don’t understand freedom the way my siblings do…

Your experience is interesting to me, I don’t want any of my children to feel unloved because of receiving less attention. I don’t want to miss my sons needs becau he is so quiet . I love them both very much and mostly I am just trying to get them through each day fed, sheltered and learning with minimal tears.

Yes.

My two oldest are just over 2.5 years apart, and I remember being really bummed out that I couldn’t just be with the baby. At the time, I really wanted my oldest to buzz off and leave me and the baby alone.

With my youngest, I did get to have that sort of immersive baby experience again that I’d had with my oldest when she was a baby, but my two oldest were very big at the time. They were, come to think of it, both a wee bit neglected for Baby Girl’s first year or two.

Somebody’s going to get the short end of the stick.

 

[Xantippe]

A child’s temperament has the largest effect on the way they are treated. Any level of interest is usually based on how the parent and child mesh. One parent may be more willing to help a certain child than the other parent is.

A parent may not be as willing to chart new territory with a child other than the oldest. The youngest, or last in line, may get everything that is left; or nothing, if nothing is left.

True.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m a middle child, and boy did I get ignored. I could disappear at family gatherings, and nobody would even notice I’d been gone for hours.

Since this is the subject, here’s a little something I’m working on for my blog, Reflections on My Catholic Journey, that I plan to post in late April:

*I once read a book about birth order and how it affects an individual's personality. Since I am a middle child, I was interested in seeing what this book had to say about me. After reading several chapters devoted to the firstborn, I eagerly turned the page, only to be confronted with a lone chapter all of one sentence long. It essentially said that since middle children are ignored, the author was going to ignore them too—which should of course be fine with us because we're used to it.

Gee, thanks.

My parents had three girls and then a boy. I was the middle girl, and I have to admit being born in that order was a good way to get ignored. I wasn't the oldest, I wasn't the youngest girl, and I wasn't a boy. Nothing special about me at all.

The worst of it was the one day of the year that's supposed to be your day: your birthday. It's like getting a Christmas all for yourself.

Or at least it's supposed to be.

Not only did I have the misfortune to be born in the middle, I happened to come at the wrong time of year. My older sister's birthday was in November. Then came Christmas. My younger siblings both had their birthdays in January, and my parents' fell in February.

And, as far as everybody was concerned, that ended the gift-giving season. The wrapping paper and cards were packed away, and a sigh of relief was breathed at the idea of not having to shop for any more gifts as we ventured into Lent.

But after that, like a lone star flung off from a galaxy, my birthday came near the end of April. 

Getting your birthday ignored isn't such a big deal when you're an adult. But when you're a kid, it's almost as if you have been forgotten.

Take, for example, the day I turned eight. This was one birthday I was so looking forward to because it was going to be super special. My birthday was falling on Easter that year!

Wow! A double whammy! Birthday cake and chocolate bunny! Gifts and an Easter basket! I was so excited when I woke up that morning.

Sure enough, there was an Easter basket full of goodies. In addition, we each got a toy stuffed rabbit. Because it was my birthday, my mother said, I got the bunny that was a bit bigger than the rest.

That was it. No cake adorned with candles to blow out. No ice cream. No other presents. No cards. Nobody even said "Happy birthday."

There's an old black and white photo of me holding the bunny and looking like I'm ready to burst into tears. I remember my parents were upset with me because I was having trouble smiling for the camera.

After that, I began to have a lot of sympathy for kids whose birthdays fall on holidays, especially Christmas. And, most especially of all, I began to have sympathy for the one Kid Who is the reason we celebrate Christmas.

I'm so glad December 25 is a Holy Day of Obligation in the Catholic Church. We should be giving reverence to the Person whose birthday we're celebrating. I can't understand why some Protestant churches are closed that day, even if they claim it's so their members can spend more time with their families. Believe me, I spent plenty of time with my family that Easter day, but so little of it (just the toy bunny being biggest) was about the birthday girl, and it was a painful loss.

The next year my parents announced that the two of them would be vacationing in Mexico that week. Only when I began sobbing uncontrollably did they decide to change their plans.

Well, at least we always did go to Mass on Christmas.

And, in case you're wondering, I still have the stuffed bunny. It's the only toy from my childhood that I still have.*

Oh goodness. My sis (a middle sibling) has a birthday way, way too close to Christmas, and I’m afraid to ask how many times she actually got a birthday party–I’m afraid you’d only need one hand to count all of the times she got a birthday cake when she was living at home–and probably not all of the fingers.

 

[pensmama87]

I am the oldest of four. Girl-boy-girl-girl.

It is a source of great amusement to my youngest sister and my brother and I that our “middle sister” complains as much as she does about being the poor, left out, put upon middle child. It is apparent to the rest of us, regardless of the rest of our birth-order related squabbles, that she got more attention growing up than the rest of us combined (and still gets more today than the rest of us).

She seems to think a lot of her troubles are birth-order related, when it’s really that she’s the most extroverted of all of us and was born to highly introverted parents who were/are incredibly socially awkward. The rest of us, also introverts, were more “okay” with our parents’ somewhat emotionally stunted approach. She demanded a lot more, and got a lot more as a result, but still thinks she was starved. She may very well have been to some degree, but she errs in thinking we got more than she did. There just wasn’t a lot of affection going around at all. She’s also definitely the troublemaker of the family.

(My parents are also both youngest children, which I think could be very interesting as part of our family dynamics.)

With my own kids, I do find myself worrying about my middle son. He is very calm and sweet-natured, but he’s also at an age I found very trying with his older brother (almost 3), and I’m navigating the change to school-age with my oldest (who is almost five) and caring for an infant. At the moment he likes to play by himself a lot. He’s not really interested in the baby most of the time. I have tons of pictures of my oldest son snuggling our baby, and if I try to get DS2 in on it he usually doesn’t care to. And of course, in my mind I think, “He’s going to get older and think I was neglecting him this whole time!”

 

[Xantippe]

I am the oldest of four. Girl-boy-girl-girl.

It is a source of great amusement to my youngest sister and my brother and I that our “middle sister” complains as much as she does about being the poor, left out, put upon middle child. It is apparent to the rest of us, regardless of the rest of our birth-order related squabbles, that she got more attention growing up than the rest of us combined (and still gets more today than the rest of us).

She seems to think a lot of her troubles are birth-order related, when it’s really that she’s the most extroverted of all of us and was born to highly introverted parents who were/are incredibly socially awkward. The rest of us, also introverts, were more “okay” with our parents’ somewhat emotionally stunted approach. She demanded a lot more, and got a lot more as a result, but still thinks she was starved. She may very well have been to some degree, but she errs in thinking we got more than she did. There just wasn’t a lot of affection going around at all. She’s also definitely the troublemaker of the family.

(My parents are also both youngest children, which I think could be very interesting as part of our family dynamics.)

With my own kids, I do find myself worrying about my middle son. He is very calm and sweet-natured, but he’s also at an age I found very trying with his older brother (almost 3), and I’m navigating the change to school-age with my oldest (who is almost five) and caring for an infant. At the moment he likes to play by himself a lot. He’s not really interested in the baby most of the time. I have tons of pictures of my oldest son snuggling our baby, and if I try to get DS2 in on it he usually doesn’t care to. And of course, in my mind I think, “He’s going to get older and think I was neglecting him this whole time!”

Wow–that reminds me a lot of my family.