Midlife crisis or God's plan?

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Yungling_Family

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I am a 37 year old husband and father of three young children. My wife is a stay-at-home mom and has begun homeschooling (Catholic of course) our children. Last May I lost my job and have been unable to find suitable, similar employment since. I have been on many interviews but never seem to get the job. After about four months of unemployment I took a job outside of my industry. I am grateful for the paycheck but the work makes me miserable. I tell myself that life isn’t really that hard and all things considered, I have it pretty good. I try to convince myself that this is only temporary and that I will find better employment soon or that this may be my cross to bear and that I should find joy in simply providing for my family. I try to tell myself to offer up my struggles to God as penance.

But there’s something else. For about eight years now, I’ve had this dream of owning my own woodworking business and making 18th century American Colonial reproduction furniture (Queen Anne, Chippendale etc.) I spend much of my free time reading and researching, dreaming and drawing plans. But I have no woodworking tools, little actual experience and after the four months of unemployment little disposable cash. All I have is desire and “book knowledge.” Lately, I have been plagued by images of beautiful pieces of furniture with distinctively Christian and Catholic carvings and designs. For example, last Sunday while in mass I couldn’t shake the image of a giant (8 feet tall by 13 feet wide) set of cabinet/bookshelves with four beautifully carved paneled doors depicting a view looking out from within the empty tomb flanked by life size angels and the words “He is not here for He is risen.” As soon as I got home I started sketching out the plans in my design book.

“The Dream” as I have come to call it has become an obsession…one that my wife says makes me perpetually sad and somewhat emotionally withdrawn from the family. When I’m not thinking about the actual designing and crafting of the furniture I’m thinking about the logistics and finances of outfitting my own shop and starting my own business. I feel as if God has placed the desire to glorify him through woodworking in my heart, that he fills my head with grand visions as if it’s all some sort of calling but the ways and means are withheld and it feels like punishment. What if Mozart heard the music in his head but had never had a piano or Picasso saw the images but never had a paintbrush? My wife is right; it does make me sad and distant. Sometimes I feel like Samuel in 1 Samuel 3:4-10. God is waking me in my sleep, calling my name and I say “Here I am, Lord, your servant is listening.” But there’s only silence in return. Maybe I’m not hearing God because I’m too far away from him. So I rededicate myself to daily rosary focusing on the greater more serious needs of others and make a New Years resolution to go to confession more often in the hopes God will answer my prayers. I am encouraged by the parable of the woman in Luke 18:1. If it wasn’t for the Catholic bent, I would think it was all just my will and not God’s. But if it’s God’s will, why doesn’t he help me make it happen? That leaves me with the possibility that the desire is from God but His purpose is not for me to fulfill the desire but to bear the cross of unfulfilled desire.

Any insight or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
 
Hi. This is a difficult time for you and your family. I have heard in my spiritual journey that it is not a good time to make a decision or a change if one is in spiritual desolation as opposed to spiritual consolation. Perhaps find a spiritual director and work through that. At the same time continue praying and working at finding something to work at you do like to support the family in a more positive frame of mind. Then plan the financials and business planning especially your customer base etc. God works with ‘order’ not ‘disorder’. Just some thoughts. Not to stifle your plans, you need to follow your dreams but be practical (God is practical) and in due course.
 
Very good advice from benedicter.On a personl note,I have a degree in eletronics,I live in the Appalachians(s.e.Ky.)This degree and a dollar will get me a cup of coffee.I work as a coal miner(don’t like my job).Also ,I am the only Catholic.The men I work with are mostly Pentecostal,Holiness or Baptist.They have never known any Catholics.I do get the oppourtunity to share our faith and pray with these men.I guess I’m trying to say the Lord will put you in situations or a place where He can use you .Peace
 
Yungling_Family said:
I am a 37 year old husband and father of three young children. My wife is a stay-at-home mom and has begun homeschooling (Catholic of course) our children. Last May I lost my job and have been unable to find suitable, similar employment since. I have been on many interviews but never seem to get the job. After about four months of unemployment I took a job outside of my industry. I am grateful for the paycheck but the work makes me miserable. I tell myself that life isn’t really that hard and all things considered, I have it pretty good. I try to convince myself that this is only temporary and that I will find better employment soon or that this may be my cross to bear and that I should find joy in simply providing for my family. I try to tell myself to offer up my struggles to God as penance.

But there’s something else. For about eight years now, I’ve had this dream of owning my own woodworking business and making 18th century American Colonial reproduction furniture (Queen Anne, Chippendale etc.) I spend much of my free time reading and researching, dreaming and drawing plans. But I have no woodworking tools, little actual experience and after the four months of unemployment little disposable cash. All I have is desire and “book knowledge.” Lately, I have been plagued by images of beautiful pieces of furniture with distinctively Christian and Catholic carvings and designs. For example, last Sunday while in mass I couldn’t shake the image of a giant (8 feet tall by 13 feet wide) set of cabinet/bookshelves with four beautifully carved paneled doors depicting a view looking out from within the empty tomb flanked by life size angels and the words “He is not here for He is risen.” As soon as I got home I started sketching out the plans in my design book.

“The Dream” as I have come to call it has become an obsession…one that my wife says makes me perpetually sad and somewhat emotionally withdrawn from the family. When I’m not thinking about the actual designing and crafting of the furniture I’m thinking about the logistics and finances of outfitting my own shop and starting my own business. I feel as if God has placed the desire to glorify him through woodworking in my heart, that he fills my head with grand visions as if it’s all some sort of calling but the ways and means are withheld and it feels like punishment. What if Mozart heard the music in his head but had never had a piano or Picasso saw the images but never had a paintbrush? My wife is right; it does make me sad and distant. Sometimes I feel like Samuel in 1 Samuel 3:4-10. God is waking me in my sleep, calling my name and I say “Here I am, Lord, your servant is listening.” But there’s only silence in return. Maybe I’m not hearing God because I’m too far away from him. So I rededicate myself to daily rosary focusing on the greater more serious needs of others and make a New Years resolution to go to confession more often in the hopes God will answer my prayers. I am encouraged by the parable of the woman in Luke 18:1. If it wasn’t for the Catholic bent, I would think it was all just my will and not God’s. But if it’s God’s will, why doesn’t he help me make it happen? That leaves me with the possibility that the desire is from God but His purpose is not for me to fulfill the desire but to bear the cross of unfulfilled desire.

Any insight or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
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I am going through the same thing with inspirations for a private business venture, which calls me to embark upon a field in which I have no experience–designing interpretations of the American Foursquare house, and selling “Godly Gunne Sax”–modest forms of the famous designer wear. I will be doing business as “Prairie Box Merchantile.” One of the plugs I will be making will be for Americans to return to the trades–one of which is woodworking. I’m edified to see that I’m not barking up the wrong tree. (Pun not intended).

On top of that are the jobs of housewife, mom, and aspiring author and religious order foundress.

Your priorities are to your God and your family. You could use the time you’re putting into these designs as your own personal recreational time. Don’t let it get you down and emotionally withdrawn. Everything is on a schedule, and God will open the way when the time comes.

Getting a spiritual director would be of the utmost importance, since you feel that the woodworking is an inspiration from God. He (or she) will help keep you on an even keel, and help you not get so frustrated with how things are progressing.

Do you know of any woodwrights in your area? Hubby started hanging out around the blacksmith shop at our local historical museum, and is now a costumed interpreter blacksmithing apprentice. Making contacts, whether it be locally or via the internet would probably be very beneficial at this point in time.

HTH.

Blessings,
Cloisters
 
Thank you all for your advice.

What exactly do you mean by a spiritual director? Like talk to a priest about it? One of my many problems is that I have a degree in philosophy. Which means when talking to a priest I’m faced with a dilemma of personality: If I don’t stifle myself, I end up talking circles around the priest (and sounding like an arrogant know-it-all) and if I do stifle myself, end up never addressing some of my basic struggles in faith. I’ve started looking into Scott Hahn and apologetics but I’ve already got enough things distracting me from my wife and kids to be arguing “how many angels can dance on the head of a pin” (famous theological argument) which is to say interesting but ultimately useless stuff. Whenever I find myself getting too wrapped up in all the theological/philosophical nonsense I tell myself that until I’ve figured out what John 13:34 means, I shouldn’t be wasting my time and energy on other stuff. The last time I went to confession was while I was unemployed. I told the priest that I feel guilty when I pray for anything other than “God, give me the wisdom to know your will, the grace to accept it and the strength to do it.” I know we’re told to bring all things to the Lord but how can I pray for a job or anything remotely material? When I was a little boy and would refuse to eat something my mother had made for dinner, my parents would tell me, that I was being ungrateful, “Don’t you know there are children starving in India?” Whenever I pray for my “wants” and even sometimes what I think are my needs I feel ungrateful. It’s like Janice Joplin sang “Oh Lord, wont you buy me a Mercedes Benz.” Sure I get these great ideas for Catholic furniture but are they inspirations from God or am I just trying to make a deal with Him, “God if you get me my woodworking shop, I promise to glorify you, I’ll go to mass everyday, I’ll tithe 20 percent instead of just 10, I’ll…etc.” I can almost hear Him say, “Sure, but you go first.”

It’s easy to justify what you want when you say it’s God’s will. The philosopher Immanuel Kant would tell me there can be no claim to morality when there is any other kind of personal benefit. In other words, because I want a woodworking shop, I can’t assume that it’s God’s will. My “inspired ideas” are simply my subconscious way of trying to manipulate God to get what I want, which of course is not only a sin but ultimately fruitless. Sure I can say that I want to glorify God with my work, and that’s true, but what I really want is to own a lot of really nice tools, make cool furniture and spend my time in Maslow-vian self-actualization. How many saints have been recognized for their life long dedication to self-actualization? How can I pray for a woodworking shop when there are kids starving in India? If I really wanted to serve the Lord wouldn’t I sell everything I own, move to India to feed the poor? Does God want more woodworkers or more Mother Teresas? Why oh why, Lord, didn’t you create me a Calvinist?

Anyway, sorry for the drivel, thanks again to all who responded.
 
I think that the Lord tends to work through our natural desires to some degree (as long as they are good.) If it is possible for you to explore a career in woodworking, why not just do it and see where things lead. No, you probably won’t have a “Catholic Furniture” Shop anytime soon, but perhaps one day you will if you start small in pursuing your passion. Such may well be a talent offerred from God which merely needs to be offerred back in order to see it grow.
 
My personal experience tells me that when you have one of these visions, where you can clearly see that kind of a life, to acknowledge that is what you want. Then you just sort of have to backburner that desire for a while. Don’t stress about the details, don’t have anxiety over how to make it happen. Just go about doing what it is that you are responsible for doing. In your case, that would be to go about your duties to your family, all the while keeping up with your prayers and letting God know that it is your desire to do his will. Well, his will will be made known to you. If this woodworking venture is meant to be, the path for that will be made clear. Opportunities will come to you. They may require making some sacrifices, but God does answer our prayers. He might surprise you with what he has planned for you, and there may be obstacles along the way, just don’t lose the faith that his plan for you is always going to be so much better than anything you could have come up with on your own.
 
Thanks, Chicago, for the reply. I grew up in the Chicago suburbs–haven’t lived there since 1993 but in many ways it still feels like home.

I actually have worked for about 6 months in a production cabinet shop strait out of college. The fact that it wasn’t Catholic wasn’t an issue (none of my jobs have been Catholic) although I can certainly commiserate with Wardrandolf, the Kentucky coal miner who replied to my post. I worked with a pretty vulgar group of guys. Someone of my experience might make $8.00/hour with no benefits. Ever try to feed a wife and three kids on that? There are basically two types of shops: large shops that do production work. That’s not woodworking, that’s manufacturing/factory work with wood. And small shops that do the kind of work that I want to do. Finding a job in a small shop is tough, finding one that pays a living wage for anything less than 10 years experience is almost impossible. There was a great apprentice/intern position at Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia under one of this country’s best craftsmen. Competition was pretty tight and it paid a paltry $13/hour. If I was still young and single and money wasn’t an issue I’d be willing to work without pay and just for the experience under one of the greats (there’s at least a dozen.) Or go to one of the three or four schools in New England that teach on the level I’m interested in. Alas, I squandered my youth and financial aid from the military on a double major of English and philosophy. “Youth,” as Aristotle said, “is wasted on the young.” As I said in my original post, I have the vision and the desire, I even know how to run a small business but I lack the woodworking experience. On the upside, if I ever am able to design and build on the level I want to, my English/philosophy background have prepared me to become the next definitive author on the subject–a claim more obscure than distinguished.
 
Thank you, Dulcissima, for your reply. Your suggestions are the most obvious and yet the wisest. All I can do is wait, work and pray. What else is there for any of us? I guess my postings come from impatience, frustration and lack of faith. I get the feeling that God is waiting for me to learn something but I’m not sure what. Something about Him, myself, others, the world–I don’t know. Something about humility, charity, patience, love…all of the above. As I said in one of my earlier posts, I feel like Samuel “Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.” Silence. It seems that not only do I not have the answer, I don’t even know what I’m being asked!

I’m reminded of the reading where Jesus admonishes the disciples because they asked him for faith. I can’t find the verse but he basically said, “Sure everyone wants the easy life of the master, nobody wants the hard work of the servant.” I was always puzzled why when the disciples ask for faith he scolds them. Asking God for faith seems a perfectly reasonable request. Sure, they’d already seen plenty of proof; this may have even occurred after the resurrection. Still how can asking for faith be a bad thing? It was only recently, thanks to a great homily, that I finally came to understand what Jesus was telling them. That faith isn’t given, it’s earned and learned. Jesus is telling the disciples that if they want to increase their faith they’re going to have to work for it–His work. Although I haven’t read the new book on Mother Teresa’s private letters, I’ve heard all the secular flack that she often lacked faith. If that’s so, then she really understood the reading on faith. In our lifetime, who more than her, when struggling with her faith…struggled for her faith? Who, more than her, took up the servant’s cross? Anyway, thanks again, Dulcissima.
 
what posititive steps are you taking to realize your dream?
aquiring tools, building skill set, researching the market and other business factors, making a business plan, getting finances in order to support you during the transition, getting family esp. spouse in gear and supportive, anticipating and planning for objections, setbacks and other challenges. if all you do is dream and talk about it, it is not a dream it is a fantasy.
 
A Spiritual Director is one who will help you listen to God. Not someone who is there to outsmart you on philosophy. What I am saying is that praying requires practice and discernment, it gets easier but it is helpful to have a friend alongside. Yes a Priest, but not necessarily. Enquire at your local Diocesan office and they may be able to help you, also ask God to provide one. I think it is fine to ask God for what will benefit you materially in your position as husband and father, in that it is a need not just an extra want. St Francis de Sales would say that it is appropriate to your vocation of marriage in the world. If you deepen your relationship with the Lord, Graces will come and you will get on track one way or another. The question is, is what we want to do something We want and then we offer it to the Lord (which is the incorrect way) or do we wait on the Lord and do His Will as He directs us (the right way and Mother Teresa’s way). There is a world of difference and only a commitment to prayer and discernment can provide the higher path. Therefore the answer to ‘is this God’s Will’.
 
Dear Puzzleannie, Thanks for your reply. The short answer to all your questions is yes, although it’s an ongoing process and limited by a lot of unknowns.
 
OK, degree in English and Philosophy. Interim measure: have you considered taking the state civil service exam and going to work as a professional in state government? MA in Anthropology (archaeology) here. Most states have professional level positions that require a degree - a degree. The salary will not be as much as you might make in the private sector but it is more than offset by the retirment and health benefits - which are so important for a young family.

My avocation is calligraphy. I have plenty of time in the evenings and weekends to work. I am not a world class calligrapher by any stretch of the imagination but I do OK in supplementing my income with commissions - and I don’t mean addressing wedding invitations. Word of mouth works just fine for me.

The important thing is the interim measure - getting employed at a decent salary with benefits to stabilze your finances and give you time to think. Just my :twocents:

BTW - I’ve worked in human resources in state government for the last 29 1/2 years.
 
hi Yungling,

the quick version: we have ten kids we’re underemployed in that husband and I are not employed in any way that realizes our potentials and we’re underpaid. a ***LOT ***underpaid. husband works with a crass bunch of fellows and hates, yeah, HATES his weekly swingshift, 20 years and counting job.

we have a burning, BURNING desire to create a Catholic Community of Down Syndrome adults-- almost like a religious order, more on the lines of a private ***'n. lots of details, lots of dreams, but this is the quick version.

what are we doing about it? praying. waiting. telling others. considering the Mother Theresa plan for begging up property. getting our personal finances in order. (that’s a big deal.)

but you wrote:
I don’t even know what I’m being asked!
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but your wife does. your first vocation, your first call to holiness is to her and the children you pro-created.

serve them.

then pray for the opportunity for saturday mornings with the local woodcarvers. make lovely boxes and crucifixes and things for your family. pray for guidance and wait on God.

quoted below is Jean Vanier, founder of L’Arche communities for mentally retarded adults. Of my favorite quotes, he says, “Do not live in the immagination. Embrace reality. It’s in the reality-- the here, the now–that you will experience God’s love.”

be blessed.
 
monicatholic said:
hi Yungling,

we have a burning, BURNING desire to create a Catholic Community of Down Syndrome adults-- almost like a religious order, more on the lines of a private ***'n. lots of details, lots of dreams, but this is the quick version.

what are we doing about it? praying. waiting. telling others. considering the Mother Theresa plan for begging up property. getting our personal finances in order. (that’s a big deal.)

MONICATHOLIC - ‘ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT’ I love it.
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Yungling,

You say you know how to run a small business but lack the woodworking experience.

Why not take the business end of it, set up the business, hire someone to do the woodworking, get contracts and investors or customers - and eventually save some of the more pleasant contracts for yourself?

If you can get enough volume out of a shop, you can justify bringing in people for professional development and take the courses yourself with your employees. This and the contracts you will keep to do yourself will give you the woodworking experience you need.

I suggest you draw up a business plan as if you could get the money. Figure everything up in a formal business plan and go looking for investors or a loan from the banks if you need to get some money. Running the business should give you the income you need and the self-actualization you want.

I don’t know if woodworking is what God wants you to do but someone has to do it and Jesus certainly didn’t seem to have any problems with carpentry. So I can’t see it being wrong in any way. Rather than worrying about whether or not it’s what God wants you to do, I say go for it and see if God redirects you away from it.
 
By the way, I’d be interested in knowing more about your background in business and woodworking and what you’d make exactly and how much you figure you could get for it when it’s sold.
 
thanks for the support, Benedicter. Please keep us in prayer. In these especially needy of God’s beloved people, there is so much need.

Got any property you’re feeling called to donate? It must be agricultural (for daily enterprise) but nearby a city (preferably an arts and academic community) for cultural edification. and the nearby Catholic Church must be a parish of vibrant, loving, orthodoxy.

Not too much for God to provide.

IN fact, we have a place in mind, but not the cash in pocket.

Again, God will provide. In HIS time. In HIS way.
 
monicatholic said:
hi Yungling,

the quick version: we have ten kids we’re underemployed in that husband and I are not employed in any way that realizes our potentials and we’re underpaid. a ***LOT ***underpaid. husband works with a crass bunch of fellows and hates, yeah, HATES his weekly swingshift, 20 years and counting job.

we have a burning, BURNING desire to create a Catholic Community of Down Syndrome adults-- almost like a religious order, more on the lines of a private ***'n. lots of details, lots of dreams, but this is the quick version.

what are we doing about it? praying. waiting. telling others. considering the Mother Theresa plan for begging up property. getting our personal finances in order. (that’s a big deal.)

but you wrote:

but your wife does. your first vocation, your first call to holiness is to her and the children you pro-created.

serve them.

then pray for the opportunity for saturday mornings with the local woodcarvers. make lovely boxes and crucifixes and things for your family. pray for guidance and wait on God.

quoted below is Jean Vanier, founder of L’Arche communities for mentally retarded adults. Of my favorite quotes, he says, “Do not live in the immagination. Embrace reality. It’s in the reality-- the here, the now–that you will experience God’s love.”

be blessed.
Click to expand...
There is a community in formation in France called the Little Ones of the Lamb of God (I think I translated that correctly). They have both neurotypical and those with some kind of developmental disorder that starts with "Tri-’ (Trisomy-13 or something like that).

I’m hoping to start the Hermits of Blessed Herman Contractus and Leonie Martin for those with Aspergers Autism.

cloisters.tripod.com/blherman/

If you’d like more information or support where religious communities are concerned, please either email or PM me regarding our Founders Forum yahoo group. It is private and by-invitation-only.

Blessings,
Cloisters
 
Cloisters,

you WILL be hearing from me. Your quickie bio/ aspirations closely match my own. I knew it when I read your short list of things To-Do, I said, “thank you Lord.”

you know a lot of what I need to know.

soon,
monica
 
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