MIL: First time disappointment and not sure how to proceed

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Magnificat1

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Hi everyone,

Ive been married almost 25 years and get along with my MIL very well. We have a good relationship that is deeper than the surface and I love her. She loves to decorate and bought a large frame from an estate sale - she told me about it and mentioned that I should paint something for her. I am an amateur artist. I know the subjects she likes so I took some time to find the right subjects and painted a large scene for her. My husband thought she’d love it. The finished work came out pretty nice. I was happy with it. When I presented it to her she was not enthusiastic. I got the hint and offered her another painting but she assured me it was fine and that she liked it. I knew she was just being nice. So, I spent some money, had it matted and set in the frame for her. She took it home and hung it. She called to tell me that.
Then she said my nephew came over and she pointed out the painting to him and he proceeded to find several faults with it. She told me each one in detail.
I was deflated and silent on the phone. She was kind of laughing about it. Thats when I got insulted. I ended the conversation nicely and then felt hurt. Its been bothering me all night and into today. My problem is, I feel different about her now. Over the years she has given me things that were not exactly to my taste but I never insulted her gift. Maybe I am overthinking it. Maybe it is my pride. Maybe I just need to vent and be done with it. I feel like I can get over it but I also feel like I’ll never give her another gift like that again. When I think about the lesson I should learn from this I feel like this is a humility moment. I don’t want anyone to bash her behavior instead, how do you deal with humiliating moments like this?
 
Your feelings are valid. Anyone would feel hurt by what she did. I can understand that your perception of her has been altered, and if it were me, I’d definitely have a hard time giving her any sort of gift in the future.

One thing that is going through my mind is that this is out of character for her. Like maybe there is more going on under the surface. How old is she? I know my grandparents tended to get more “feisty” as they got older, as the brain ages. Maybe there was something going on in her life that she’s grumpy about? There could be a number of factors in place.
 
Magnificat1 said:
Over the years she has given me things that were not exactly to my taste but I never insulted her gift. Maybe I am overthinking it. Maybe it is my pride. Maybe I just need to vent and be done with it. I feel like I can get over it but I also feel like I’ll never give her another gift like that again.
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That’s wise.

Don’t go to that kind of effort again. If it’s at all feasible, let your husband take care of his mom’s gifts.
 
kptrs said:
One thing that is going through my mind is that this is out of character for her. Like maybe there is more going on under the surface. How old is she? I know my grandparents tended to get more “feisty” as they got older, as the brain ages. Maybe there was something going on in her life that she’s grumpy about? There could be a number of factors in place.
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This was my first thought, too. MIL differences usually doesn´t acciedently pop out after 25 years…
 
From a totally different point of view…
Maybe she had other plans for the frame she bought. She may have felt that she ‘had’ to use it for your painting, once you presented it to her. I don’t agree with the ‘passive-aggressive’ way she has dealt with it, but I can understand it. I know, it’s a real hurtful thing to have your artwork criticized. But, maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to complete her purchases. Of course, maybe I’m all wrong, but it’s something to consider. I agree, that if you’ve gotten along with her for 25 years, you shouldn’t let this be what starts hostilities that may never end.
 
Legend said:
if you’ve gotten along with her for 25 years, you shouldn’t let this be what starts hostilities that may never end.
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Yeah, I don’t want to downplay this incident, because your MIL is definitely in the wrong and did indeed do something hurtful. But if this is the worst thing she’s done in 25 years, you’re very lucky.
 
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It’s normal to be upset, especially if you have had a decent history with her. Even if it’s hard, it might help to realize you went above and beyond for her and didn’t do anything wrong. No matter how she reacts, that’s her problem to solve. My grandma called my mom the devil to her face before she ever married my dad, then mostly ignored her for most of the last 30 years. For christmas my dad and us kids would get nice things and my mom got discount bin plastic hairclips. It feels bad, but it’s not your fault and it is her problem not yours. I married recently and am running into passive agressive behaviors from a MIL figure now too. My hubby and I talk about things and make sure we are on the same page with each other. We still maintain our side of the relationship with her. It’s up to her what she does with the other side.
 
I’d be so hurt by this. Think about her manner of speaking. Is she usually pretty guarded with her language or can you think of other situations where she just opens her mouth without discretion to the wrong audiences? If she does this kind of thing regularly, it just never landed in a way that hurt you like this, I’d hang on to the thought that she’d probably do this to anybody.

If not, and the painting criticism continues, it may be worth a heart to heart to repair your relationship.
 
For all my faults, I can honestly say I am a person who always wants to try to consider the feelings of others. I don’t like hurting peoples feelings, either on purpose or unintentionally. It is important to me. Because of this, it really hurts extra badly when someone hurts my feelings. Not only does the insult itself hurt, but when I think about it I have to consider the lack of care that was taken and then it even hurts worse. Was it intentional? Was it neglectful? The more I think about it, the more it hurts.

So when someone hurts my feelings like in the scenario with your mother-in-law, what gets me through it is that I remind myself that I am sure there are times in the past when I have done the same to someone else and was completely unaware of the pain I caused the other person. I, no doubt, have had times when I acted like an a$$ when I didn’t mean to, or I put my foot in my mouth and hurt someone’s feelings, or I didn’t appreciate a gift and said something hurtful about it. It happens. So I remind myself I am not perfect, either, and it makes it easier for me to not hold others to such high standards with no room for failure. It makes it easy to forgive even when an apology isn’t given.

I am really sorry your MIL was insensitive and hurt you like that. I know how bad that can hurt. You don’t want to ruin a 25 year relationship over it, I am sure. I would suggest chalking it up to a really thoughtless episode (on her part) and leaving it at that. We are all flawed. Not saying it is easy, though.
 
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The OP said the MIL said she should paint something for her. The MIL should be gracious since she asked for the painting.
 
Thanks for the question - She made the suggestion that I should paint something for the frame. Thats why I did it. I did give her a way out when I realized she didn’t like it. Thanks for the prayers. I need them!
 
This has happened before but I let it go and it wasn’t over a painting. It was over a food gift I sent for Christmas. She didn’t like it and told me so. I just took that one because I felt like she was letting me know not to purchase it again for anyone else. I thought that was good advise but I did have to hear about it over a few conversations.
 
Maybe take a couple of art classes at your local community college. Learning to hear criticism is part of being an artist. It is not easy, but, it is important.

My guess is that it is not personal, simply a way to help you improve your craft.
 
I’m sorry for the hurtful reception. It was kind of you to make such a personal and meaningful gift. What a lovely generosity you have!
 
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Hi Magnificat,

I’m really sorry that this happened to you.

As hurtful as this is, I would just try and let it go.

I do understand what this is like, as I have dealt with similar situations from my own MIL over the years. I have just learned to let it go, as the stress has not been worth it to me, personally.
 
Oops! I reread my remark and now see that she did ask you to paint a picture for her frame! I’m sorry. You have every right to be upset. She was quite insensitive.
However, I don’t know why she didn’t accept another painting (or hang the picture elsewhere?). Does she have any illness-mental or physical-that could cause her to act like this? It sounds as if she likes your painting style…was this painting a radical departure in style or materials? Could her feelings she expressed been overly influenced by nephew’s remarks?
On second thought, don’t give it too much thought. Since you’ve had a good relationship for so long, give yourself a day or two, and try and stop thinking about this too much. You did your job for her, and it’s over. So many people have many in-law problems, it sounds that it has been pretty good, most of the time.
However, if this is the beginning of a new attitude for her…start getting less personal gifts for her, or let your husband buy something ‘from both of us’. You have done your job.
Again, I am sorry for not reading carefully enough, before responding. God bless!
 
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Maybe you two both have been politely lying to one another about these small aesthetic things? Not that is a bad thing to say small lies rather than be blunt and careless, but eventually the truth gets out.
I remember when I took private lessons for drawing. One night my mom called to talk with the teacher and find out how am I doing. The teacher enthusiastically told her than I am doing well, learning, I am not talented for drawing but it does not matter this is a skill that can be learned. I cried with sobs that night. Before that, all of my life I had been told that I am talented at drawing by my family, friends etc. It was one of my things considering I was not special in any other way. And right then and there I lost that too.
But even then I knew that this is how art is in the real world. It requires a sacrifice. There is no good art with a viewer to appreciate it. If I were you, I don’t know how interested you are in your hobby I would use the criticism and work to get better or even take more classes. This way a silly conflict that can grow like cancer in your family can be avoided and you can also grow in your personal hobby.
Ok this is not like a general advise, this is what I would do, because a displeased viewer would motivate me to want to move them with my art more than the fact that she is close family and should have been nicer.
 
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