MIL in tears b/c I did not take communion at Episcopal church

[StatCrux]

Sorry she (unknowingly) gives you so much guilt. Take heart in that you did the right thing. As an Episcopalian convert, I know it can be difficult to say “no” because Episcopalians usually don’t understand. You are in my prayers.

 

[jmcrae]

Sorry she (unknowingly) gives you so much guilt. Take heart in that you did the right thing. As an Episcopalian convert, I know it can be difficult to say “no” because Episcopalians usually don’t understand. You are in my prayers.

They are also very proud of the fact that their Holy Communion is open to “anyone who is breathing,” at least according to something I read recently. (The account of the wedding, in the book Singing Lessons by Judy Collins - the wedding took place in an Episcopalian church.)

To my way of thinking, though, that approach really cheapens it, since if it doesn’t even matter whether you believe in Jesus or not, why even bother with it?

 

[minnieg]

As Catholics we put obeying the laws of the Church above feelings of awkwardness. That is how we honor and follow God. MIL probably sees puting rules before feelings of fellowship as sinful. The best the two parties can hope for is a civil disagreement.
\QUOTE]

SMHW - I think this is where the problem lies. She knows that Catholics don’t receive in other churches. She feels this is wrong, wrong, wrong. And that I am a victim of orthodox Catholic meanies. She has mentioned a friend who “grew up believing it is a sin to receive in other churches” and “is dealing with all that guilt” laid on her by the church. This friend told her about Catholics in Florida that are working toward a change.

So I am going to have to face this head-on, as suggested by many of you, and pray for the best. I will pray to St. Michael. And it ain’t going to be pretty. I think the best approach may be what some of you said about pointing out that I don’t dictate to her what she should do, and I cannot allow it with my kids. She is so wonderful to spend lots of time with them, and there is no question that my children will go to church with her sometimes when I am not with them. I am going to have to make it clear to them and to her that they are not to receive communion.

I am angry that this even has to be a discussion. That what I believe is not respected, even if she doesn’t agree.

Please pray for me.

 

[whatevergirl]

SMHW;2616974:

As Catholics we put obeying the laws of the Church above feelings of awkwardness. That is how we honor and follow God. MIL probably sees puting rules before feelings of fellowship as sinful. The best the two parties can hope for is a civil disagreement.
\QUOTE]

SMHW - I think this is where the problem lies. She knows that Catholics don’t receive in other churches. She feels this is wrong, wrong, wrong. And that I am a victim of orthodox Catholic meanies. She has mentioned a friend who “grew up believing it is a sin to receive in other churches” and “is dealing with all that guilt” laid on her by the church. This friend told her about Catholics in Florida that are working toward a change.

So I am going to have to face this head-on, as suggested by many of you, and pray for the best. I will pray to St. Michael. And it ain’t going to be pretty. I think the best approach may be what some of you said about pointing out that I don’t dictate to her what she should do, and I cannot allow it with my kids. She is so wonderful to spend lots of time with them, and there is no question that my children will go to church with her sometimes when I am not with them. I am going to have to make it clear to them and to her that they are not to receive communion.

I am angry that this even has to be a discussion. That what I believe is not respected, even if she doesn’t agree.

Please pray for me.

Hey–I’m a Catholic in Florida…we better not be working towards changing Catholic doctrine!

 

[CatholicCajun]

You did the right thing and handled it correctly. You can maybe quote her the following:'TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE NO EXPLANATION IS NECESSARY, TO THOSE WHO DO NOT BELIEVE NO EXPLANATION IS POSSIBLE"

God bless you.

 

[StephanieC]

Minnieg,
I think Petergee & puzzleannie both hit it just right in their posts.
If you’re sure you’ll be having a discussion about this, just remember: everything with charity and humility. (Not implying that you would do otherwise; just a reminder )

Just as all of us on the boards here have varying levels of Catechesis, she may actually know very little (first hand studying) about the specifics of her denomination, and even less about Catholicism. Sounds like she’s leaning on what she’s “heard” as source material.

It can be very easy (especially for women) to hear “I don’t share your beliefs” as “I reject you as a person.” So just be ready to grab her hand or give her a hug whenever necessary & tell her how much you love her.

Above all, let your LOVE & JOY for your own faith shine through–no “orthodox meanies” are victimizing you; your faith is a gift and you LOVE to practice it in accordance with Tradition and Scripture; faith and reason.

Let go of your anger; just stand firm and lift her up in prayer.

 

[Petergee]

She knows that Catholics don’t receive in other churches. She feels this is wrong, wrong, wrong. And that I am a victim of orthodox Catholic meanies. She has mentioned a friend who “grew up believing it is a sin to receive in other churches” and “is dealing with all that guilt” laid on her by the church. This friend told her about Catholics in Florida that are working toward a change.

OK so she was not simply naive as I assumed from the fact she was crying. She is obviously the one who is forcing the issue, so don’t let her claim that it is you, or “Catholic meanies”, who are being difficult and confrontational. . It seems that however nice and good a person she may be, her tears are crocodile tears calculated to emotionally manipulate you into giving in to her beliefs about communion.

So I am going to have to face this head-on, as suggested by many of you, and pray for the best. I will pray to St. Michael. And it ain’t going to be pretty. I think the best approach may be what some of you said about pointing out that I don’t dictate to her what she should do, and I cannot allow it with my kids. She is so wonderful to spend lots of time with them, and there is no question that my children will go to church with her sometimes when I am not with them. I am going to have to make it clear to them and to her that they are not to receive communion.

Given the attitude she has shown, I think you should be very cautious about even going to her church, and especially with permitting your children to be taken there in your absence. Remember you are the parent and it’s your decision what religious practices your children are exposed to.

I am angry that this even has to be a discussion. That what I believe is not respected, even if she doesn’t agree.

Please pray for me.

I will. God bless you.

 

[kage_ar]

My last suggestion - since this is your MIL, it is far wiser for your DH to have any “confrontation” with his parents. Have you asked your husband to speak with them?

 

[jman507]

If it was me, I would tell her, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I did enjoy going to the service with you. I am just not allowed to go to communion.” Then explain why as much as needed.

The best thing for you to do, in my opinion is to make it clear communion is out. I think I differ from the last post about having DH do it, specifically for this case (otherwise I think it’s a great idea); you understand the rules and reasoning the best. Now if there are other issues too, then yes DH should definitely be involved if not take the lead. The less you waiver, the fewer the problems.

 

[minnieg]

I should state a few things more clearly.

MIL knows that the Catholic Church forbids communion with other ecclesiastic communities. She thinks this is separatist and unloving, perhaps spiritually elitist. I know this because she has stated at other times, quite proudly, “I believe in the catholic church, but I don’t subscribe to the Catholic Church.” She has even threatened to face off with our parish priest over his “separatist” views.

I recognize that not participating in another communion is setting ourselves apart, and I want to be part of the spiritually elite! I remain in the Catholic Church because I see the Truth here! I also understand that the other churches separated from us…had that not happened several times, we would all be communing together. It is the incompatibility of the two POVs that is causing the discomfort!

DH is quite willing to stand up to his mother, and does…frequently! Perhaps more than I would like. But this is not his issue. He is not Catholic. I have to do the standing here.

I know that I have to make a stand. I really just wanted wise words (I’ve gotten many!), prayers (thanks to you all), and reassurance. I will be using, most likely, some of the phrasing y’all have given. And definitely avoiding the situation as much as possible.

Keep the suggestions coming!

 

[KCT]

Good luck to you. Pray for the gift of courage to deal with this!

I don’t always subscribe to the view that the man has to discuss stuff w/ his family and the woman with hers. We’re all adults. We can have conversations w/ anyone we need to. —KCT

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Perhaps she’ll need to be p0wn3d in her debate with the local parish priest to get it through her head that she needs to become part of the spiritual elite and that our “separatist attitude” is far better.
In the immortal words of Dr. Hass “Sometimes it pays to be an elitist”

 

[Donna_Mc]

I can relate to your story. I also think you did the right thing.
My MIL also belongs to the Episcopal Church. She is pretty
liberal too (the liberal stance their church takes drove my husband
away and made him a Catholic!). When attending our children’s
First Communion masses she complained afterwards that she
thought it was wrong that the Catholic Church would not let her
receive Communion. I was upset that she made an issue out of
it on those special days. She has made snide comments about
the church for years although not so much in the past couple of
years as she used to. I love her but her remarks about the church
have caused me much aggravation over the years. As someone
mentioned maybe you should speak to her gently about this.
I never have had the nerve to, I too am afraid of confrontation,
and I get very upset when people attack our beloved church.

 

[Leopard]

Perhaps she’ll need to be p0wn3d…

Urban Dictionary:

p0wn3d… 1ee+ speak, to be “owned”, defeated, trounced, b*tch-slapped.

 

[jman507]

I don’t know if there is much you can do. I think you are right in avoiding the situation as much as possible. Otherwise stand your ground if the issue comes up. Then don’t forget to pray for her and also for your self to change to meet the situation.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

I did not mean it in a mean way.
But we all know some people who do need a good talking to in order to get them to listen.

 

[Leopard]

I did not mean it in a mean way.
But we all know some people who do need a good talking to in order to get them to listen.

I am delighted to hear this! But I must admit to a certain curiousity, how does one b*tch slap not in a mean way?

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

It’s so sad that she was that upset! There are many people who do not take Communion during Mass for their own personal reasons (in both the Catholic and Episcopal churches), so it’s not a status thing! So you didn’t go up? So what???

My brother, his wife, and their children go to an Episcopal church and I have gone to services with them several times (hey - the Episcopals USED to Catholics hahaha I don’t mind going to Mass by myself, but my family is also important - so I’m always there (at the Episcopal church) for the special occasions (my nieces’ baptisms, etc…). Most of the church members know me by now. My brother and his wife have never had an opinion either way on going up to Communion or not. They know I’m Catholic and the girls (though young), also understand that I’m “just visiting” their church and the I go to another church instead.

Anyway, your MIL really shouldn’t take it personally - it’s not about her. It’s just too bad she doesn’t see it that way.

 

[Orionthehunter]

I should state a few things more clearly.

MIL knows that the Catholic Church forbids communion with other ecclesiastic communities. She thinks this is separatist and unloving, perhaps spiritually elitist. I know this because she has stated at other times, quite proudly, “I believe in the catholic church, but I don’t subscribe to the Catholic Church.” She has even threatened to face off with our parish priest over his “separatist” views.

I recognize that not participating in another communion is setting ourselves apart, and I want to be part of the spiritually elite! I remain in the Catholic Church because I see the Truth here! I also understand that the other churches separated from us…had that not happened several times, we would all be communing together. It is the incompatibility of the two POVs that is causing the discomfort!

DH is quite willing to stand up to his mother, and does…frequently! Perhaps more than I would like. But this is not his issue. He is not Catholic. I have to do the standing here.

I know that I have to make a stand. I really just wanted wise words (I’ve gotten many!), prayers (thanks to you all), and reassurance. I will be using, most likely, some of the phrasing y’all have given. And definitely avoiding the situation as much as possible.

Keep the suggestions coming!

You do have to do the standing. I agree. But you don’t have to do the explaining. People of good will are only disagreeable (vs. disagreeing) because they don’t understand each other. You have warm affection for your MIL and you describe her favorably with regard to her “heart”.

My suggestion is that you let your husband hoe the ground for a more fruitful future discussion. Have your husband explain to your MIL how much you fear this discussion because of your affection for her, how you don’t want this to become something that is divisive, and how you aspire to follow Christ to the best of your ability just as your MIL does. And, for YOU, you don’t believe you should receive Communion outside of your own Church.

As one who preaches “tolerance” she should at least understand why she should be considerate of YOUR view. This will allow your husband to not have to defend Church Teachings. The goal of this conversation is to get her to understand that this isn’t about her or you but something that transcends both of you- faith and Faith.

Then, if your hubby even thinks it is needed, you can then have a discussion that focuses on what the Eucharist is to you (besides the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity) it is a statement of assent to beliefs and unity in those beliefs. Going to service with her is an expression of your communion on what you share in common in your respective faiths. But, taking communion in her church is a step you are unable to take and you ask for her understanding.

Also, this will give you a chance to broach the subject of when she is with you at Mass. You can talk about your Teaching that recieving for the Eucharist is reserved for those who are in a state of grace, believe or assent to the core Teachings of the Catholic Church, and believe that it is the Real Presence. Even if one is Catholic and missing one of those elements, the Church teaches this person isn’t to recieve until all are present. This will allow her to understand that the fact she can’t recieve is not personally limited to her but to even Catholics.

 

[kage_ar]

Agree with Orion here - and to add something.

Your husband does not have to be Catholic to “defend” your belief with his mother. My DH defended my Catholic beliefs for years before he converted.

Many prayers for you all!