MIL involved in pyramid scheme, how to handle?

[Kelfa28]

My husband and I are feeling fairly stressed right now about his mother.

She has involved herself in what seems to be a multi-level marketing company called Market America.

Hubby and I did one google search and figured out pretty quickly that it’s a scam. She’s been down this road before with Amway but was stopped by my husband’s father…her ex-husband.

We weren’t really aware of what was going on beforehand until about a week ago when we called her to ask if she could babysit our daughter for our military drill this weekend. Normally she’s more then happy to help out and is the primary care giver on our Family Care Plan in the military.
She told us she had an appointment and couldn’t do it on her usual day…Saturday. This put us in a massive jam since my mother is having surgery tomorrow and my father has been having a lot of knee issues.
While my parents love to watch their grand-daughter…this weekend would have been very difficult for them.
She refused to bend. She wanted to find strangers for us to cover her babysitting or my daughter’s eleven-year old cousin to babysit. All of which are options we just aren’t comfortable with.

What gets us was that this appointment is not a doctor’s appointment…nor is it an appointment that has anything to do with her full-time job. It’s just a meeting for her to talk to some people who have made money through this company. That’s about it.

My husband and her got into an argument over the phone about it this evening.
Yes, we recognize we could have given her a little more notice (we asked about a week in advance but clearly knew about this mandatory drill far before that) and understand that this is partially our fault for not giving her enough notice to just not schedule the meeting.

We, in turn, couldn’t believe that she would put something like this over her usual babysitting responsibilities a couple of times a year…something she put on paper and signed in agreement for the military.

We know we need to talk to her about it. I’m afraid she’ll start sinking money she doesn’t have into this business.
I guess my question is…should we talk to her about it or should we just let it go and let her sink her own ship…so to speak?

Has anyone had a family member who has gotten involved with something like this? If so…how did you handle it?

 

[Linusthe2nd]

My husband and I are feeling fairly stressed right now about his mother.

She has involved herself in what seems to be a multi-level marketing company called Market America.

Hubby and I did one google search and figured out pretty quickly that it’s a scam. She’s been down this road before with Amway but was stopped by my husband’s father…her ex-husband.

We weren’t really aware of what was going on beforehand until about a week ago when we called her to ask if she could babysit our daughter for our military drill this weekend. Normally she’s more then happy to help out and is the primary care giver on our Family Care Plan in the military.
She told us she had an appointment and couldn’t do it on her usual day…Saturday. This put us in a massive jam since my mother is having surgery tomorrow and my father has been having a lot of knee issues.
While my parents love to watch their grand-daughter…this weekend would have been very difficult for them.
She refused to bend. She wanted to find strangers for us to cover her babysitting or my daughter’s eleven-year old cousin to babysit. All of which are options we just aren’t comfortable with.

What gets us was that this appointment is not a doctor’s appointment…nor is it an appointment that has anything to do with her full-time job. It’s just a meeting for her to talk to some people who have made money through this company. That’s about it.

My husband and her got into an argument over the phone about it this evening.
Yes, we recognize we could have given her a little more notice (we asked about a week in advance but clearly knew about this mandatory drill far before that) and understand that this is partially our fault for not giving her enough notice to just not schedule the meeting.

We, in turn, couldn’t believe that she would put something like this over her usual babysitting responsibilities a couple of times a year…something she put on paper and signed in agreement for the military.

We know we need to talk to her about it. I’m afraid she’ll start sinking money she doesn’t have into this business.
I guess my question is…should we talk to her about it or should we just let it go and let her sink her own ship…so to speak?

Has anyone had a family member who has gotten involved with something like this? If so…how did you handle it?

I’m afraid you will have to let her take her lumps. Sometimes you can’t help people.

Linus2nd

 

[agnes_therese]

Now let me get this straight – she dared to make her own plans for a weekend that she did not know was drill weekend, and which you could have told her about long before you did?

Sorry, hon, I’m with her. Sounds like you’ve been seriously taking her for granted.

 

[Kelfa28]

Now let me get this straight – she dared to make her own plans for a weekend that she did not know was drill weekend, and which you could have told her about long before you did?

Sorry, hon, I’m with her. Sounds like you’ve been seriously taking her for granted.

Hardly.

She absolutely knows that she has this responsibility…she signed paperwork for the military stating as such.

We never ask her to babysit for us otherwise.

This was just a reminder for her…a week before that we had drill.

It’s never been an issue before.

I recognize we may have made a mistake…and we are making other plans. I just can’t believe we are taking her for granted…seeing that this is a responsibility she already agreed to do, it’s for the military (not date night or something else that is frivolous) and has babysat for these specific days in the past.

 

[Jon_S_1]

My husband and I are feeling fairly stressed right now about his mother.

She has involved herself in what seems to be a multi-level marketing company called Market America.

Hubby and I did one google search and figured out pretty quickly that it’s a scam. She’s been down this road before with Amway but was stopped by my husband’s father…her ex-husband.

We weren’t really aware of what was going on beforehand until about a week ago when we called her to ask if she could babysit our daughter for our military drill this weekend. Normally she’s more then happy to help out and is the primary care giver on our Family Care Plan in the military.
She told us she had an appointment and couldn’t do it on her usual day…Saturday. This put us in a massive jam since my mother is having surgery tomorrow and my father has been having a lot of knee issues.
While my parents love to watch their grand-daughter…this weekend would have been very difficult for them.
She refused to bend. She wanted to find strangers for us to cover her babysitting or my daughter’s eleven-year old cousin to babysit. All of which are options we just aren’t comfortable with.

What gets us was that this appointment is not a doctor’s appointment…nor is it an appointment that has anything to do with her full-time job. It’s just a meeting for her to talk to some people who have made money through this company. That’s about it.

My husband and her got into an argument over the phone about it this evening.
Yes, we recognize we could have given her a little more notice (we asked about a week in advance but clearly knew about this mandatory drill far before that) and understand that this is partially our fault for not giving her enough notice to just not schedule the meeting.

We, in turn, couldn’t believe that she would put something like this over her usual babysitting responsibilities a couple of times a year…something she put on paper and signed in agreement for the military.

We know we need to talk to her about it. I’m afraid she’ll start sinking money she doesn’t have into this business.
I guess my question is…should we talk to her about it or should we just let it go and let her sink her own ship…so to speak?

Has anyone had a family member who has gotten involved with something like this? If so…how did you handle it?

I thought all women were involved in multi level marketing?

Tupperware
Pampered Chef
Essential Oils
Arbonne
Simply Said
That candle one

Those are just a few my ex wife became a “consultant” for at those “parties”

 

[Xantippe]

I feel like this is two different problems.

1. The babysitting flakiness. That doesn’t sound like it’s clearly your fault or her fault. She maybe should have known, but maybe you should have reminded her, etc. I’d give that one a a pass and I think your husband should apologize to his mom, because he was yelling at his mom for not doing you a favor and he was taking her for granted. You’ll know to give her more notice in future, and you should be prepared for her being unavailable as long as she is involved with this. (I believe the MLMs are really notorious for keeping victims busy with meetings and things to keep them psyched up.)
2. The MLM thing. This really is serious and you should keep your powder dry for dealing with it so it doesn’t just sound like you are being self-interested because of the babysitting when you discourage her from going down this road again. Is there an older relative that she respects and that is money savvy that she will listen to?

Normally, I’d encourage the blood relative in the couple to deal with the in-law, but it sounds like your husband has stepped in it with his mom. That’s awkward.

The Deputy Headmistress has a good post on MLMs here:

thecommonroomblog.com/2013/07/mlm-some-of-my-concerns.html

 

[Iron_Donkey]

I personally would find it very troubling that she would shrug a responsibility like this without contacting you to develop an acceptable alternative FIRST. That she has done so in order to meet with someone about this scam suggests that she might be too (mentally) invested in it to be easily dissuaded.

I’d probably try anyway, but without expecting it to work. What she does is her own responsibility, all you can do is point out the dangers.

 

[RoseMary131]

My husband and I are feeling fairly stressed right now about his mother.

She has involved herself in what seems to be a multi-level marketing company …

…figured out … it’s a scam.

We weren’t really aware of what was going on beforehand until about a week ago when we called her to ask if she could babysit our daughter for our military drill this weekend. Normally she’s more then happy to help out and is the primary care giver on our Family Care Plan in the military.

Thank you to you and your husband for both serving in the military. I’m sorry you are in this bind for this weekend when you are both scheduled for drill.

It sounds from your thread title that you are concerned about your MIL’s financial endeavors. Then at this point, it seems your actual problem is its a drill weekend and your MIL normally responds “Yes” to you “asking” her to babysit for drill.

From what you wrote, you asked her to babysit. “Asking” implies a person can say “yes or no”. She said “no” to your request. That puts you in a bind.

She is your primary care giver on your legal Family Care Plan. Does this mean she must be your babysitter on all drill weekends when both of you are on orders for drill?

She told us she had an appointment and couldn’t do it on her usual day…Saturday. This put us in a massive jam since my mother is having surgery tomorrow and my father has been having a lot of knee issues.

While my parents love to watch their grand-daughter…this weekend would have been very difficult for them.

While it is hard for you in that your own parents can not help due to surgery and knee issues, it does not mean your MIL must drop her appointment - even if her appointment was for fun. Unless the legal FCP primary care giver document actually means she must be the babysitter on drill weekend, then your MIL has a right to say no for any reason.

She refused to bend. She wanted to find strangers for us to cover her babysitting or … we just aren’t comfortable

You mean that she set up her boundary. “Saturday I have an appointment and I plan to keep that appointment and not change it because you have drill.” She did offer to find you other caregivers. You declined.

What if you are both deployed and your MIL follows on her legal contract as primary care giver for the FCP, what if during that time you are away she has an appointment - is she allowed to find other people to babysit during her appointment? What if she picks these same strangers to babysit during the appointment?

What gets us was that this appointment… It’s just a meeting for her to talk to some people who have made money through this company. …

Unless your FCP means she legally must babysit on her usual Saturday of drill weekend, she can actually decline babysitting for any reason. Grandmothers do not have to change their plans in life to babysit nor do grandmothers have to have a “reason” to say no.

My husband and her got into an argument …
Yes, we recognize we could have given her a little more notice (we asked about a week in advance but clearly knew about this mandatory drill far before that) and understand that this is partially our fault for not giving her enough notice to just not schedule the meeting.

The thread really isn’t about helping your MIL not be part of a pyramid scheme, you are upset about not having a babysitter for Saturday’s drill. Having drill and no plans for childcare is very upsetting. However, its not your MIL’s responsibility - unless the legal agreement as primary care giver - means she must provide care this Saturday.

Your responsibility is to begin securing childcare as soon as you are aware of drill orders.

We, in turn, couldn’t believe that she would put something like this over her usual babysitting responsibilities a couple of times a year…something she put on paper and signed in agreement for the military.

She has a right to put anything, even nothing, over her usually babysitting responsibilities - unless as primary care giver on the FCP means she must provide the childcare herself. She has even offered to find another person to provide the childcare. Does she only provide babysitting two times a year - for special training - or does she provide this for the Saturday of each monthly drill?

We know we need to talk to her about it. I’m afraid she’ll start sinking money she doesn’t have into this business.
I guess my question is…should we talk to her about it or should we just let it go and let her sink her own ship…so to speak?

I know it is really upsetting to feel trapped - drill weekend and no childcare for Saturday. However, it appears like not babysitting on Saturday is your most pressing issue with your MIL. It looks like the concern about her money is “because it is an inconvenience to you and your husband”. While you may really be concern and want to help her, the message of your post is about babysitting for drill.

I wished I had an answer for how to help find babysitting. Have you thought about how your MIL will handle being primary care giver if you both are deployed? Will you be comfortable with who she finds to babysit if she has an appointment or wants to do something for fun and your parents are unable to babysit?

May God help you in your needs for this weekend. May you find peace with your MIL’s choice not to babysit on Saturday. May your mother’s surgery be successful and your father feel relief with his knees. May you and your husband have a good drill weekend. God bless you and your unit.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Stay quite about the MLM scheme and let her learn on her own. If she never gets burned then she will never stay away.

It really sounds like you’ve taken your MIL for granted when it comes to babysitting. It isn’t her responsibility to provide free childcare. It is very nice if she does it, but not at all something that is required. If she isn’t available you should find someone you can pay while you take care of work responsibilities. I don’t think you have any right to be upset with her.

 

[Xantippe]

Rosemary said:

“I wished I had an answer for how to help find babysitting. Have you thought about how your MIL will handle being primary care giver if you both are deployed? Will you be comfortable with who she finds to babysit if she has an appointment or wants to do something for fun and your parents are unable to babysit?”

Those are really good questions. If you aren’t comfortable with her choice of caregiver while you are nearby, why be comfortable with her choices when you are far away?

I wonder if paying MIL market rate for her babysitting would make the MLM stuff less attractive.

Burt Macklin said:

“Stay quite about the MLM scheme and let her learn on her own. If she never gets burned then she will never stay away.”

But she’s already done Amway before, so presumably she’s already been burnt, but not learned anything from the experience.

It looks like MIL may have some problems with bad judgment. I think that’s worth reflecting on, and figuring out whether you really do want her taking responsibility for your children.

 

[Aggie414]

To me these are two different issues:

1. Babysitting - you said she signed a contract for your family plan. I would assume this means while you’re deployed and not for normal drill. I admit to a certain bit of ignorance to this. But if she’s not legally obligated to babysit for your drill weekends, I think you’re being a bit harsh. It’s not her responsibility to babysit your child whenever you want. You could have given her more warning and she might have been able to rearrange her schedule but you didn’t and she chose to keep her scheduled appointment.
2. The MLM – while I understand your concerns over this, it’s not illegal. If she’s wanting to be involved in it, it’s her decision. Is it the smartest decision she can make? Probably not. But she’s an adult and has the right to live her life the way she wants – as long as she’s not breaking any laws.

I would urge you to rethink how you approach your support system. Expecting people to just keep their schedule open – or know exactly when drill is and that you might be wanting them to babysit – is unfair.

 

[silicasandra]

MLMs are seriously bad news, and even very smart, ordinarily reasonable, people can get sucked into them. They’re designed to attract via emotional manipulation (I think many target women for this reason - earn an income and still be with your kids - sounds great!). I’ve done two, and I’m still undoing the damage from the second almost two years after getting out. They are the worst.

Pinktruth.com was one of the best websites for me as far as “deprogramming.” It discusses a lot of the manipulative strategies used by MLMs to hook people in and then keep them there. Their focus is on Mary Kay Cosmetics, but the strategies are used by every MLM company out there. They do have sections for those who have loved ones in MLMs. Ultimately, it’ll be up to your MIL to come out of the fog.

I’m so sorry your family is going through this.

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s a suggestion if you can’t find anybody else to sit–have your parents host the kids and be in charge, but enlist the 11-year-old cousin to do the heavy lifting. If she’s a good, responsible kid, and if your parents can bear it, everybody can survive the weekend and you won’t have to worry. Alternately, hire an adult sitter to watch the kids in your parents’ home under their supervision.

This is not ideal, but it is an emergency.

 

[shainski]

Yes, i agree with those that you need to separate the two issues.

If this is primarily about the babysitting, then deal with that (and you admit, it is at least partly your fault for not setting it up earlier - apologize for that).

But if it is about the MLM, I would try to plead with her not to sign anything - or give any money during the meeting this weekend. Give her some out - such as she has to go through her son to get permission to spend money. (I know it sounds hokey, but it is what i did with my mom. She needed a way to say “no” to people on the phone - she just couldn’t hang up when marketing calls came in. So, i told her to tell them that she needed to get approval to spend her money. Usually, any scam person doesn’t want the light of day to shine on their deals - so they are uncomfortable with waiting.

And, i told my mom - anything that is a good deal - should still be a good deal a day or week later. So what is the harm in having a chance to think it over. Then you at least have an opportunity to present the evidence you found that this is a scam.

off topic, but I also convinced my mom to never buy anything when watching tv in the middle of the night. She could be swayed by deals that seem like a great then at 2 a.m. in some informercial - but notsomuch in the daytime. I pleaded with her to just write down the information - and call the next day if she still wanted something. And she stopped buying things on whims.

My rule is that if someone is trying to make me sign a contract for anything - and they are uncomfortable with me waiting a day or more to sign - then there must be something wrong with the deal - that they don’t want me consider. And I use that logic whether buying a car - or a gym membership. So no matter how good of a deal seems at the time, my answer is “no” if the deal isn’t good for a couple days.